Men's opinions needed

[KlickKlackknobsac]

What do men want from a relationship?
What does 'being respected' mean to a man?
Why is work so bloody important to men, seemingly more so than kids/ wife especially when they have something to prove?
How can women get more attention from single-minded work driven men?
(Answers from knowledgeable women also welcome of course)
Background- married almost 20 years, 3 kids, still in love.

Thank you, KlickKlack, my wife certainly is lovely.

I'm afraid I don't actually have much in the way of suggestions to get a husband who spends most of his time at work to spend more time at home. That said, as you say, not belittling him is key. While it might not solve the problem, it certainly wouldn't do any harm to make the home as pleasant a place to be as possible, and not putting him down is a good start.

It's obvious from what you wrote to crescentmoon that you are concerned about him, and wanting more family time isn't at all unreasonable. I suppose your concerns would seem more sincere without the belittling.

But I can appreciate the frustration you have if the problem has been going on for a long time.

When my dh starts to spend more time at work it's usually because he's got so much to do. It can pile up and there are not enough hours in the day. But that's not really his responsibility, his company should employ more staff to deal with the workload.

I tend to remind him that he is a family man and his family want to spend time with him. If he wants to be a workaholic he can, but he would have to be single. Otherwise it's selfish not to consider the needs of the family.

It helps to regularly reassess your priorities in life and where you see yourselves in the future. It helps to have a common goal.

We are always pleased to see him when he returns from work (I finish earlier than him). And we do a lot together as a family as well as having separate friends and hobbies. I think it makes for a more rounded life.

Of course real workaholics are like any other 'holics', they are genuinely addicted and can get very stressed when not working. They would probably need counselling to help understand their addiction.

Not all men are like this. Some men prioritise their families. You gots to find one of them.

Just asked DH;
What do men want from a relationship? Love, trust, honesty, respect & a shared love of geek stuff.

What does 'being respected' mean to a man? Not being lied to about important things, not being last on someone's list of priorities. Recognition for the things he does.

Why is work so bloody important to men, seemingly more so than kids/ wife especially when they have something to prove? DH loves kids/wife more than work & is changing careers to have a better work/life balance. DH used to love his job, but since it started going down the pan it's easier to switch off from it.

How can women get more attention from single-minded work driven men? Tell him what you think, talk about it, try & arrange some exclusive family time, if things don't change accept he's a workminded person & move on (if your priorites are different).

Interesting thread. Thanks men for posting! Has reminded me what may be more important to my DH than I realise. I probably do criticise him too much, which is a double standard because I hate it when he criticises me. He works hard but to be fair family comes first (he also has the luxury of a job that enables him to put family first, but with that of course comes a mediocre salary. Not complaining - I'd rather have him around than merely his pay packet).

bizarre question.It presupposed men are broadly similar to each other.
They're not

There is a song called All the Women I am by Reba Macintyre (dont know if my spelling is right). The song describes me to a tee. My poor DH has to put up with it bless him. Seriously, we both accept that we are equal partners but we both have our blokey/girly sides. The key is accepting those and support each other in our ventures. Just because I am better at one thing than him it doesnt mean I am a better person and visa versa. We love each other for the people we are. Hope that doesnt sound daft.

MrsClown1, That is exactly how it should be.

hard to generalise but some good points on first post from WaitingForMe

I know a lot of men who aren't workaholics. I imagine that some personality types are. Also, I imagine that some men define themselves by the career/level at work.

I think that it is a good idea to welcome each other at the end of the day when the other comes home and start off on a pleasant or supportive note when you first see each other. There is a good piece of advice that I have often not followed...never go to bed on an argument...

I asked my partner what he wanted ? though I omitted the ?from a relationship? bit by mistake ? before he left for work this morning. He asked me why I wanted to know and I told him about the Mumsnet thread and wanting male opinions.
He thought for a few seconds and then said ?Tell them I want to bathe each day in the still-warm tears of broken women - after which I would like to go down the pub and drink the kid?s shoe money. See you tonight, shouldn?t be late? and left.
And I thought enough time, and money, to indulge his motorcycle hobby was enough. You think you know someone. ......

You can make some very broad generalisations I suppose.

From what I've seen a lot of men (e.g. DH, one BIL, quite a few friends) have had slightly prickly, competitive relationships with their fathers that seem to have been all about having to show the father they were good enough. Fathers like that emphasise external validation and 'winning' over unconditional love and acceptance. I wonder if that leads some men to become hooked on showing achievement at work?

Wow bells21 quite a thing to say first thing in the morning!

And Eldritchcleavage I think you are barking up the right tree with the Dad thing. Having a bit of a mare with things at the mo though. Reaching the end of my understanding.

Men, like women, want something that matches their personal priorities.

And that is as varied as there people.

What did I want from a relationship?

Someone who actually cares about me and how I'm doing

Someone who trusts me to do things without constantly checking and scrutinising

Someone who compromises and doesn't always think they're right.

And who can admit they're wrong when they are wrong

Someone who doesn't feel the need to be on the go all the time and can actually sit down and relax with the OH.

Someone who will actually let me make a decision rather than sort of asking me but really wanting and expecting her own way.

Someone who is not so PFB and will occasionally listen to my views on childcare rather than insisting all hers are correct.

Someone who will let me do childcare when I come home from work rather than always insisting I do the tea or go shopping. It's not just me who hasn't seen DS all day.

Someone who can talk about issues rather than getting all upset and storming off for a walk when things get heated.

Someone who actually wants to be with me. And who cares.

But that's just me. We're good friends now.

Men are conflicted. So are women, but I will talk about men as I am one. My instincts, hormones, whatever, tell me to have sex as much as possible, especially with young attractive women who will bear my children. Just look at pornography, prostitution and half of mainstream advertising to see that most men are the same, and everyone knows it. But this is not possible for most, Ghenghis Khan, classic rock stars and Magic Johnston excepted. We are happy to have one nice woman who loves us, trusts us, is a friend and partner and mother to our children. Of course the more attractive and fertile the better, but we take the best we can. I am sure women are the same on this, despite all the bullshit that hollywood and its predecessors sell us, and the groans of disbelief I can imagine at how unromantic I'm being. Once we have her we want to keep her, and we want her to accept us for what we are, what she married, even if we are not George Clooney etc. Better than being a slave or eunuch, this is the great gift of monogamous religions, and the cultures that go with them, to most men.

For our part we usually agree to be faithful, despite the violent urges to the contrary. (I speak for myself, i guess others have more violent urges, or more opportunities to stray. Maybe some deal with this by woking harder. Certainly many fail to deal with it, and start second families or have lovers around age 40-50. ) It seems some women do not find this to be enough. I do not understand this, but my wife has separated us, despite the fact that I wanted to stay with her forever, still fancied her, am still attractive ( so I am told ), and am kind, loving and a good father (even she agrees with most of this). But she says I do not "cherish" her enough, nor respect her. I don't know what this really means, and from our talking about it I'm not sure she does either... See my post earlier in the year.

Any suggestions still welcome.

Ps. I wonder if, around mid 40s as I am and my soontobeex wife, women want to know that we will not just run off and have another family, like we could. So they are unhappy, what with all the other things they have to cope with as working mothers these days, and that comes out as all the problems that this thread is full of. She complains nebulously, he doesn't understand what the problem is. Nicely summed up from the mans viewpoint by cantthink above. The man has the choice of genuflecting or buggering off. I chose the former, but it seems not low enough or not willingly, adoringly, emotionally enough, so I have been given the latter. I wonder if somewhere inside I am just following my instincts, but too shy to have done it up front.

Trying I didn't see your earlier post but are you saying that your wife wants to separate and you don't?

not bothered about BJ's
agree with most of the rest

I would also like to be told what is wrong, I don't have any powers that allow me to see inside my DP's head.

Urgh this thread is so awful... Men have violent sexual urges to have sex with young girls and women should be grateful they agree to be monogamous... Urgh... If you'd said women don't like sex you'd have pretty much got a full house of sexist gender stereotyping about heterosexual monogamy in there... BLEURGH...

Offred I think you've read lots into that comment than is really there, there was no mention of either violence or women being "grateful".

To reply to the original question:
What do men want from a relationship? - depends on the man. For me, it's partnership, affection, tolerance for my faults & foibles, and a shared outlook on life. Sex too of course: a few more BJs would be nice.

What does 'being respected' mean to a man? - Being accepted for who you are, regarded as a valuable person.

Why is work so bloody important to men, seemingly more so than kids/ wife especially when they have something to prove? - because society looks up to the rich and famous and employed, and many men feel that work is the means of being respected. We often have many colleagues, friends & relatives to impress, and just one partner. Beta-males are often better husbands.

How can women get more attention from single-minded work driven men? - You can't. You could try sabotaging his work life so he's unemployed, but that will bring problems of its own.

Read his comment. He says men have violent urges to be unfaithful, he talks about young girls in pornography and he says women do not find the fact a man has decided not to be unfaithful enough. What exactly have I read into his comment?

These poor, poor men with their violent urges to be unfaithful and fuck as many young females as they can, we women just don't understand how lucky we are if a man fights these terrible urges and manages to keep his cock out of other women.
Really? Really? Did someone actually write that tripe?
If you honestly believe what you've written there tryingtokeepittogehter, I'm not in the least bit surprised your wife doesn't respect you.

Equality in a relationship would be a good starting point, forget the "bastards" out there most of us are treated like a spare part at times. Sex yes its important more to some than others but refusal is seen as a direct snub. Also an appreciation that we are different if asked why we did something and we say we dont know, trust me we dont, it just happened that way, move on. Oh and seperation during the menopause might be the way to go !!!

Respect is important agreement even when we are wrong in some minor way. The fact that we are the most important part of your world even if you have Kids, remember they will grow up and move and then you are stuck with each other having developed seperate lives.

Work is who I am, Its defines me even more than marriage and Kids, how I am seen at work is important, it gives me a sense of achievement and purpose and when the above happens its a constant.

Talk at the right times dont lose the fun and do not keep sex for set days because you can lie in.