Can't sleep for crying....what shall I do?

[Kellstar83]

Hi there ladies advice needed if poss pls....

I'm 8 months pregnant n being made to feel so worthless by my partner that I cry myself to sleep most nights
He is not baby's dad ( we split up for a year and I fell pregnant during this time but has always said he wants to bring up baby etc as the dad isn't interested)

I do everything to support him ( he has a job but I pay for everything despite having 2 other kids to support) it wouldn't be so bad if he appreciated it but when he comes over n doesn't help with anything, acts like he's king of the castle in my home and is nasty to me over everything and anything :(
For example.... He says my friends/ family think horrible things about me ( that they agree with him basically) but only he's got the guts to tell me what I'm like :(
He tells me I'm a bad mum everytime one of the kids do anything even minor wrong
Threatens to leave me nearly every day
Calls me pathetic or mentally unstable if I cry
Says my kids would be better off with thier alcoholic violent father and if we split up he would try to get them taken off me by making up lies about me to support my ex
Frightens me and then when I ask him to leave he says if I want him to go call 999

I know everyone's probably reading this and thinking what the hell are u doing with him, I realise I'm a fool but I do love him and my kids adore him - they've already had thier dad walk out on them so I'm desperately trying to hold this together for thier sake

He always says he loves me but how could someone be so intentionally cruel if they did?? I feel so worthless and dreading him acting like this once my baby girl is here in 5 weeks but I'm too weak and worried about my kids being upset to tell him to go :(

Any advice appreciated or just a chat, someone friendly to talk to would make a change as he hates me talking to my friends but doesn't know I've found Mn x

Thank u, need a hug so badly feel at total rock bottom lying in bed with my daughter knowing she deserves so much better than a mum like me :( x

apparently this is unmumsnetty but I'm sending you a huge bolstering,strength giving,warming hug. It's not pathetic that you want him to be nice,kind & loving. Who wouldn't want a partner to be that way? It's natural that you wish that's how he was or could be.

Hell,you're 8 months pregnant,you're hormonal & heavily pregnant & have made a huge decision (entirely the right one) it's hardly surprising that you are feeling shit & doubting yourself. But remember this when you are lying there with your daughter - you are being the best possible mum to her. You have removed a tosspot abusive man from her young & impressionable life. She isn't going to.grow up thinking that the way he treated you is normal & what she should expect in relationships in her adult life. She now has the freedom,when the time comes,to know that she deserves & should expect to be treated decently & respectfully & with love by future partners. She also has a superb rile model in you - her superhero strong & independent mother who wasn't beaten down by disrespectful abusing & using men.

Can you block his number? It's not helpful to you to have to read his bullshit.

Still proud!

I hope you stay strong, I'm so impressed you've kicked him out. If you stick to that you are being a brilliant mum because you are giving your kids a calm, safe home.

The post above where you said how calm your home was without him - reread that again and agaoin if you go wobbly. And don't feel at all guilty, he has been thoroughly horrible and you have just said 'enough' which is perfectly acceptable.

Focus on your kids and your pregnancy and take care x

Oh and here's a hug too - (((hug)))

Don't be hard so on yourself op.

Does he know its over? I mean did you tell him?

My ex used to do that, when he thought he was losing me would suddenly act nice. Would last about 3 minutes.

no, no, no

your dd deserves a mum whose self-esteem isn't being beaten down by an abusive man

in other words, she deserves you but not him

and that is within your control, my love x

What they said ^^. He's doing classic "reeling in" behaviour and yay for you, it's not working! But it's bound to mess with your head somewhat.

Just stay strong and remember that this is the best thing for you and your DC. no more mind games, no more fear. Calm. Sounds ace.

This will pass love, I promise. You're allowed to feel sad and all over the place, you're pregnant and have done an incredibly difficult thing. I am also so proud and impressed that you have ignored his texts, that took strength and you are far, far stronger than you think.

Your whole life is about to get a million times better, go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself and just take one day at a time.

Soon this will be a distant memory. Thinking of you, remember you are an AMAZING mum! Hugs to you.

You can do this! Who cares if he won't take it lying down - that's not your problem, you don't owe him anything, you don't have to see him listen to him, reply to his texts or anything at all. If he gives you ANY hassle record and save everything you can for the police and Women's Aid and get their help. Do NOT let him in - if he needs stuff from your house, bag it up and put it outside.

He is an absolutely classic type of pathetic, useless man using bullying and aggression to prop himself up. Nothing you have done has caused this - however men like this DO rely on finding women who will put up with them, and you don't have to be one of those.

Thank your lucky stars you have no obligation to be involved with him, no kids together, no house together etc.

Oh and btw you don't love him. You want to be loved (which is entirely reasonable) and you have this nasty bloke hanging around who wants to be with you (not because he loves you, but because he's an abusive twunt who wants someone to abuse).

Look at your posts - you do not like this man at all and you can clearly see he's cruel and horrible. So why would you love him? The "love" is imaginary, it's just because you feel you need someone and he walked into your life.

Just imagine if a member of the public you didn't know started treating you like this. Deal with him accordingly.

Good luck with the birth and baby - you will do great without him.

He just sent me the most horrible text ever after sending nice ones (that I haven't replied to) all night
Stuff about he can see y my ex husband tried to kill himself after having to live with me ( he took an overdose, not properly it was part of his control games n used to self harm all the time to frighten me)
That funny how my friends never call/come over anymore it's coz of what they really think about me but won't tell me ( I'm hoping it's just coz they don't like him and everytime they ask me to go out I say no coz of him so they have given up)
That nobody will ever want me with 3 kids by 2 dads etc
Says one of my mates has been calling me a slag for getting pregnant n not being with the dad but he's not going to say which one
Kids would be better off with thier dad or in care rather than me etc
I'm putting the spd on just for attention when really I'm I'm constant pain
And so it goes on......:( its like torture :( x

Can you block this losers number? Ignore ignore ignore.

It's vile and he's using anything he can possibly think of to hurt you, but KEEP THESE so they can be logged with authorities if necessary. And every time you get another one thank your lucky stars you're away from this piece of shit.
You are going to get through this!

OK so that text tells you all you need to know! He doesn't care about you. He's put out at being rejected and he's lashing out at you. This doesn't have to be torture - it's just evidence that you're doing the right thing.

When you're ready, call a friend and explain what's going on and say you'd love to see them. Catch up over a cup of tea. They probably were just staying away because of him. You may even find you have a friend who will help you at the birth.

At least he is giving you a very clear view of his real personality.

He is a twat.

Oh and I've had serious spd ? it's miserable, I really feel for you. Just think, you will be all done with it soon.

Will phone O2 n try n block his number and ask them to change mine
When we 1st got back together I was gutted this baby wasn't his now I'm so pleased she isn't - I can't imagine the pain of having to hand her over to him for a day/weekend knowing how unkind he is :(
The baby jibes get to me the most, that he feels sorry for her that she's going to have me as a mum etc as he knows I'm constantly anxious that I'm doing the best I can for the kids and that they r happy, I go to bed crying upset of I've told them off during the day Fgs!
Anyways sorry for ranting, u ladies have been incredible, wish I had this many real life friends lol x

You are tapping into the female conciousness (yes indeed people I got my cert in wanky talk, did very well too), but thats what MN is like to me. A great lake of women's experience and solidarity that we can reach into at times of greatest need. Those times when you know the answers, don't need a lecture from someone (we all know where to go to for those) just strenght, understanding and support. There are so many here who understand, truly understand at a visceral level what is going on in your head and your heart. to that end no one wants to think someone out there is doing it alone and despairing of the future. We are here to tell you the future is yours to shape.
Good luck, good woman, keep going.

Morning Kel,

i think if you notice in one of his texts he says what he thinks your friends think of you, my Dad did this to my mum and it was all bollox honestly love, if he is this nasty and I seriously believe he is, then your mates will know this too, I wouldnt be surprised if at least one mate is waiting for the call from you saying hi and help.

I would suggest you think who your closest mate was prior to him, and give her a call and tell her whats been going on, i'm absolutely sure that with a couple of calls someones gonna put the shout out, and you could end up with a support system you never know you had.

He has done a real job on you mentally, and yet you come across as quite level headed considering his effect. Take a chance love pick up the phone, if it is enbarrisment holding you back dont worry, the effort im sure will be worth it.

Thank u :)
I just feel so sad that in general there are people like him out there that take pleasure in trying to destroy people :( I worry for my daughter and for what kind of world I'm bringing my new baby into that there's such viciousness out there disguised as people who on the face of it seem so nice I pray none of my children ever meet someone like this....x

That makes you the perfect teacher hun,

My Son has certainly learnt how you dont treat people, and see's how his Dad treated me and how he treats others around him. He does'nt like him very much but puts up with him for the money and presents sake of family harmony.

I am re married now actually anniversary today, there are some fabulous men out there and I am lucky to have one of them. Every relationship prior to dp was a major fuckwit in one way or another. I recognised what was going on, and literally made a check list of what I would and wouldnt put up with, and held out until I got it. I'de rather be on my own then with someone like that again.

Kell - have just finished reading through.
Just anted to say you're doing brilliantly!
Defo second the above... trust your friends... give them the chance to be there for you. They've almost definitely stayed away because he's such a huge arse!
(on that note - if you haven't seen much of your friends recently how would he know what they're saying about you? Total bullcrap.)

Also re people talking because your kids have 2 dads... Really don't think many anyone that matters people these days would care less find it worth mentioning.
Families now come in so many shapes an sizes. Yours should now be your 3 DCs and they're amazing, strong, survivor, role-model mum.

*their

God he's a wanker!

When you're ready, call a friend and explain what's going on and say you'd love to see them. Catch up over a cup of tea. They probably were just staying away because of him. You may even find you have a friend who will help you at the birth.

I agree.

your friends will trickle back when they realise you are not going to take him back (again)

you aren't, are you ?

this time, make the torture stop

you have the power to do that

delete his texts unread...while you are still reading them he is yanking your chain

just stop it

Still thinking about you, he is trying to manipulate you but you Are stronger than that and your kids are very lucky to have a mum like wot, don't let the doubt set in his words are to hurt You they have no basis in fact, he is clutching at straws I hope you're doing ok