Can't sleep for crying....what shall I do?

[Kellstar83]

Hi there ladies advice needed if poss pls....

I'm 8 months pregnant n being made to feel so worthless by my partner that I cry myself to sleep most nights
He is not baby's dad ( we split up for a year and I fell pregnant during this time but has always said he wants to bring up baby etc as the dad isn't interested)

I do everything to support him ( he has a job but I pay for everything despite having 2 other kids to support) it wouldn't be so bad if he appreciated it but when he comes over n doesn't help with anything, acts like he's king of the castle in my home and is nasty to me over everything and anything :(
For example.... He says my friends/ family think horrible things about me ( that they agree with him basically) but only he's got the guts to tell me what I'm like :(
He tells me I'm a bad mum everytime one of the kids do anything even minor wrong
Threatens to leave me nearly every day
Calls me pathetic or mentally unstable if I cry
Says my kids would be better off with thier alcoholic violent father and if we split up he would try to get them taken off me by making up lies about me to support my ex
Frightens me and then when I ask him to leave he says if I want him to go call 999

I know everyone's probably reading this and thinking what the hell are u doing with him, I realise I'm a fool but I do love him and my kids adore him - they've already had thier dad walk out on them so I'm desperately trying to hold this together for thier sake

He always says he loves me but how could someone be so intentionally cruel if they did?? I feel so worthless and dreading him acting like this once my baby girl is here in 5 weeks but I'm too weak and worried about my kids being upset to tell him to go :(

Any advice appreciated or just a chat, someone friendly to talk to would make a change as he hates me talking to my friends but doesn't know I've found Mn x

Record him on your phone. Then he can't deny it. Plus you have the many, many vile texts he sent.

You have kids in the house. Next time he starts any aggro just dial 999.

Good luck with the new baby x

Kell I'm really worried that you didn't post again last night. Are you okay? Did he come back?

Please call the police if you are at all worried. Don't believe any of the lies he has told you about people not believing you, about him contacting social services. Just protect yourself and your children.

Hi ladies thanks for the replies, talking to u really helps to keep me going when things feel so desperate at the moment :( takeitaway he didn't come back last night, haven't heard anything from him today either, my kids asked why I wouldn't let him in last night and I said because he was being rude and I don't like to have rude people in the house - didn't know what to say? X

Can I just ask anyone else that's been in this position especially if it's happened more than once...did u feel embarrassed by it? That everyone will think here we go again or that it must be me? I haven't told any of my mates how bad it is as just feel like a broken record and they will just think I'm daft for not ending it sooner but it's easy to say when u haven't been there :(
Phoned Samaritans last night I felt so pathetic as just wanted a friendly voice to talk to, never in my life did I think I'd be about to give birth n crying down the phone to the Samaritans :( feel really low today x

So glad you're okay Kell.

What you said to your children was exactly the right thing to say, by the way, well done.

Now you have to get practical. First of all, you must make it clear to your partner (preferably by text) that he is not to come round again, and that if he does you will call the police.

Secondly, please, please, tell your family and any friends what is happening. There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You really do need real life support now.

I think your partner has done such a number on you, he has convinced you that your friends don't care. I'm sure once you reach out, you will see that they are on your side and will want to help. Think you've spent so long keeping everyone at arm's length so they don't see what's really been happening in your life that they think you don't need them.

Please look after yourself, stay strong, you've made the first step and you're doing really well.

My marriage is very shaky ATM and yes I feel embarrassed to let people know - especially my family. As if it displays some weakness / fault in me. I think it's even more acute because we've just had a baby. I think they will think I'm stupid and irresponsible for bringing a baby into a difficult relationship.

BUT those concerns will not stop me from doing the right thing if ending it is the right thing.

Just wanted you to know I understand your feelings of shame. They are real but misplaced.

(By the way I have just read most of your thread and I am cheering you on - you actually sound much stronger now than you did in your OP. Well done for putting this tosser in his place, i.e out of your life.)

Oh mate, you're so hooked up on the embarrassment thing, and I was about to be stern, but then I read bushys post and saw it from that POV.

LET people think what they like. Seriously. Anyone with half a brain will think fair play on her for getting out. It just means you think higher of yourself and worth more than that shitty life with that shitty man.

Well done for ringing the samaritans, it's what they're there for. You have done NOTHING wrong and he is breaking the law by intimidating you and making you feel unsafe in your own home. I know you haven't this time, but please, if he returns, call the police. Similarly, keep any texts, however vile, as evidence.

You're doing great, really!

And Kell, the sooner you, him, and everyone else knows that he is no longer part of your life, the sooner you can get on with being the happy and capable mum you are meant to be.

Sounds like he has been draining you mentally and financially for a long time. Honestly, you will be so much stronger and happier without him.

And you and your children will be able to enjoy your precious new baby together.

The first step really is to let people know what's been happening, and let them help you in whatever way they can.

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it (sorry, long thread!) but you need counselling OP. If you keep choosing shit men you need to work on what makes you do that. If you feel embarrassed and ashamed, as though you deserve this behaviour, then something's wrong - do you see that? He is vile vile vile to you and yet you think you need to cover up the embarassment that 'it's happened again'. If your 'friends' can't stick with you then they're not your friends.

Again, apologies if I'm repeating what others have posted but if you get in touch with Womens Aid (0808 2000 247 - call between 7pm-7am as the lines are busy during the day) they will support you in every aspect of getting free of this vile man. izzy posted upthread that if your children aren't removed from this scenario they will very likely (indeed) end up mimicking it as adults: either as the manipulative abuser or the victim of a manipulative abuser.

If you can't get rid for you then please get rid for your kids. they need this 'man' like a hole in the head on every possible level. After some counselling you will be able to see that you need him like a hole in the head too - and you will find out through counselling what has happened to you that when you meet an abuser you think he is good relationship material. (Join the club on that one btw - there are many of us about.)

thinking of you xx

Kells he is a prize jerk.

Please re-read your opening post as if someone else had posted it and consider what advice you'd give them.

It is impossible to read about what you're enduring without being appalled.

This is not love, this is abuse. I will assume you have been raised to accept abuse as an expression of love. You need to start over and learn what love is and how it feels. You need to learn to reject violence and cruelty, and to avoid people who use it in their relationships.

This will take you some time, and you will need good, ongoing support.

I'm so glad you've checked in with mumsnet because there are some wonderful women in here who can offer fantastic advice.

Do listen to them, they can walk you through this patch, and help you create a better life xx

Kell just wondering how you are today. Hope things are looking brighter.

Just checking in again to see if you are okay, Kell. Hope everything's all right.

I'm joining takeitawaY - hope you are ok Kell - please do feel free to message if you need help xxx