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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't sleep for crying....what shall I do?

263 replies

Kellstar83 · 20/08/2012 00:40

Hi there ladies advice needed if poss pls....

I'm 8 months pregnant n being made to feel so worthless by my partner that I cry myself to sleep most nights
He is not baby's dad ( we split up for a year and I fell pregnant during this time but has always said he wants to bring up baby etc as the dad isn't interested)

I do everything to support him ( he has a job but I pay for everything despite having 2 other kids to support) it wouldn't be so bad if he appreciated it but when he comes over n doesn't help with anything, acts like he's king of the castle in my home and is nasty to me over everything and anything :(
For example.... He says my friends/ family think horrible things about me ( that they agree with him basically) but only he's got the guts to tell me what I'm like :(
He tells me I'm a bad mum everytime one of the kids do anything even minor wrong
Threatens to leave me nearly every day
Calls me pathetic or mentally unstable if I cry
Says my kids would be better off with thier alcoholic violent father and if we split up he would try to get them taken off me by making up lies about me to support my ex
Frightens me and then when I ask him to leave he says if I want him to go call 999

I know everyone's probably reading this and thinking what the hell are u doing with him, I realise I'm a fool but I do love him and my kids adore him - they've already had thier dad walk out on them so I'm desperately trying to hold this together for thier sake

He always says he loves me but how could someone be so intentionally cruel if they did?? I feel so worthless and dreading him acting like this once my baby girl is here in 5 weeks but I'm too weak and worried about my kids being upset to tell him to go :(

Any advice appreciated or just a chat, someone friendly to talk to would make a change as he hates me talking to my friends but doesn't know I've found Mn x

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellstar83 · 20/08/2012 14:30

Sorry a pnc check done that's supposed to say!

OP posts:
Frontpaw · 20/08/2012 14:31

Oh god! They both sound like loons.

Proudnscary · 20/08/2012 15:08

OP I think it's great that you are getting away from this bloody awful lunatic! Ignore his texts as you are doing now - they will all be hateful lunacy as you well know. Hope you are ok.

Guiltypleasures - you sound like a very sensitive soul. FFS and FGS are used on this site all the time as shorthand for exasperation - if you see it as someone swearing at you then I think you need to toughen up.

cestlavielife · 20/08/2012 15:14

you said nothing positive about him -
he is like that because he wants to be like that and nothing ou can do will appease him or make him change...
do call 999 - maybe talk to your supervisor at work ?

but call womens aid and get some proper advice.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/08/2012 15:17

Proudnscary I know what the abreviations mean.

If I was'nt a sensitive soul I wouldnt be able to do my job, It is very interesting
to note though, that you felt attacked when in the first instance I never actually mentioned anyones actual post or names. Something must have struck a cord with you and how you are posting to react that way.

Your hostility and demands come across as such that you almost mirror the abuse and demands the op is getting at home. For instance listen to what I am saying, I am right, I know what I am talking about etc.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in how weve been treated we lash out at anyone who we might percieve as attacking anything we do or say in the future.

Original poster
Kellstar83 · 20/08/2012 15:19

There's a few people with tiny babies in the park, makes me realise how much he's ruined this pregnancy and hasn't let me be excited about it once, I don't want the same to happen when she's here
I will keep ignoring him, wish there's a way u could delete texts without reading them! For now I'll just leave the numbers clocking up as unread! X

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 20/08/2012 15:23

when you get a text and you go to inbox when you press select does it come up with a sort of menu box with view delete forward etc? mine can be deleted without viewing

Original poster
Kellstar83 · 20/08/2012 15:32

Don't think so on the iPhone? As soon as I click on the message symbol a preview of his conversation will come up, then I'll have to go into the conversation to delete them :( they will prob be nice rather than nasty now as I'm ignoring him but still bull shit! X

OP posts:
FermezLaBouche · 20/08/2012 15:47

I really would keep them as SGB suggested. If he's sent that many and you haven't been responding, I have a feeling they're not all going to be exactly pleasant. I also think you should read them. If he's threatening any kind of violence you need to be prepared.

Your ordeal with last P sounds horrific and I'm sorry it caused so much trouble with your work.

gingerchick · 20/08/2012 15:48

Stay strong sweetheart there really is nothing he can say to justify nothing at all

solidgoldbrass · 20/08/2012 15:49

Do keep them at least until you can show them to someone in authority, get them on record then you can delete them.

Mivery · 20/08/2012 15:54

You need to get away from him before he hurts you or your family, get to a relative who can help you out or call the police before its too late. These situations can really escalate quickly. Be strong for you and your children.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/08/2012 15:56

Is there a wefare worker at work or someone you trust that can open them for you? at least you will have a witness, the amount of texts wont look good on him either. The more light you shed on his darkness the less scary he becomes, the more people that know about this, the less power he has.

AgathaFusty · 20/08/2012 16:06

Good idea re welfare worker or someone similar.

Original poster
Kellstar83 · 20/08/2012 16:11

So I read the texts...but have NOT replied... They start off bitchy then telling me how much he loves me and he'll change ... Then telling me to fuck myself he's coming over to get his stuff tonight and when he's gone n all my friends family fuck me off maybe I'll realise what a nice guy he is, he wishes I knew what all my friends really think of me then I'd realise I'm not so perfect etc etc , charming eh! N it just goes on and on and on..... X

OP posts:
gingerchick · 20/08/2012 16:14

I guarantee that your friends and family will be ecstatic when they realise you've had the strength to get shot of him you are doing really well seeing him for what he is

AgathaFusty · 20/08/2012 16:18

Can you have his stuff bagged up so he doesn't have to come in to your house? Leave the bag by the door, maybe?

He sounds unhinged.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/08/2012 16:23

Pack his stuff, and leave it outside then lock the doors, with a note attached any further contact will be treated as harrassment and reported to the police , this standing up to him will back foot him and gain you some time to gather your thoughts.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/08/2012 16:23

sorry x posted

PooPooOnMars · 20/08/2012 16:26

Jesus Christ! He's mightily unhinged.

My ex used to say stuff like that, it is most definitely abusive and designed to cut you off from your friends and your support.

Original poster
Kellstar83 · 20/08/2012 16:27

Just a general wondering.... Do u think men like him do it intentionally ( by that I mean wake up thinking today I'm gonna make my gf life hell coz it makes me feel good etc) , r so messed up they don't realise they are being cruel and think thier behaviour is normal? Or do they know it's not normal but profess they are doing nothing wrong as they don't have the self control to stop themselves?
I don't know which, if any are worse or which he is, it's just a. Efu alien pattern of behaviour to me and was just thinking out loud..... X

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 20/08/2012 16:33

Theres behaviour stems from what they believe ie their values and how entitled they think they are, vs how they think you should act,be,do for them.

Its not about you at all, until they change their core values, and this is a really hard thing to do they will never change, and will continue on with someone else after you.

No matter what you change about you and how you think, it will never be enough EVER. Like I said you will never satisfy him no matter what, no one will.

When all of this is over, at some point in the future, get some counselling to understand better recognising this type of behaviour early enough to stop it in future. Also get the Lundy Bancroft book why does he do that, it will open your eyes I promise you. My dad and ex H are both in there, but I handle my dad, and am the only one that can.

gingerchick · 20/08/2012 16:35

I Think they are in complete denial about their behaviour because they say stuff so often that they begin to believe it, changing history is another common one so much so that they actually believe their own story

gingerchick · 20/08/2012 16:37

I haven't explained that awfully well but I hope you get what I am trying to say

PooPooOnMars · 20/08/2012 16:38

I don't know. I think these people (know women like it too) are so messed up in so many ways that its incredibly hard to untangle.

My ex told me that he had a right to hit a woman if he suspected she was unfaithful. So i suppose that was about his beliefs. Don't know where he got that from.

He was also jealous so i suppose that was his insecurity and his attitude of ownership about me.

He was violent so no self control.

He would justify it and blame me so he had a refusal to accept responsibility for his own actions.

He would try to cut me off from other people, tell lies, spy on me . . .

I suspect its a bit of all the things you've mentioned actually.