Can't sleep for crying....what shall I do?

[Kellstar83]

Hi there ladies advice needed if poss pls....

I'm 8 months pregnant n being made to feel so worthless by my partner that I cry myself to sleep most nights
He is not baby's dad ( we split up for a year and I fell pregnant during this time but has always said he wants to bring up baby etc as the dad isn't interested)

I do everything to support him ( he has a job but I pay for everything despite having 2 other kids to support) it wouldn't be so bad if he appreciated it but when he comes over n doesn't help with anything, acts like he's king of the castle in my home and is nasty to me over everything and anything :(
For example.... He says my friends/ family think horrible things about me ( that they agree with him basically) but only he's got the guts to tell me what I'm like :(
He tells me I'm a bad mum everytime one of the kids do anything even minor wrong
Threatens to leave me nearly every day
Calls me pathetic or mentally unstable if I cry
Says my kids would be better off with thier alcoholic violent father and if we split up he would try to get them taken off me by making up lies about me to support my ex
Frightens me and then when I ask him to leave he says if I want him to go call 999

I know everyone's probably reading this and thinking what the hell are u doing with him, I realise I'm a fool but I do love him and my kids adore him - they've already had thier dad walk out on them so I'm desperately trying to hold this together for thier sake

He always says he loves me but how could someone be so intentionally cruel if they did?? I feel so worthless and dreading him acting like this once my baby girl is here in 5 weeks but I'm too weak and worried about my kids being upset to tell him to go :(

Any advice appreciated or just a chat, someone friendly to talk to would make a change as he hates me talking to my friends but doesn't know I've found Mn x

Kell - I can see how you might find it embarrassing, a little anyway. But you need to have the support of your family.

Trust them to be what you need them to. Show them his messages.
Regardless of how many times you might make mistakes I'm sure they'll be there to support you - am assuming there are no issues there?

Espesh given that you're about to have a 3rd dc. Allow them to look after you and to protect you a bit.

Look, you said yourself that nobody would believe what a bastard he is, because he puts on such a charming front.

If he has duped everybody else, there's no shame in the fact that he duped you too. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

It seems like you stayed with him and put up with all kinds of crap because you desperately want your children to have a stable family life.

But if you really want that life, you need to make sure this man is no longer a part of it. Please, please tell your family, tell your friends. Let people help you to keep him away.

I do know ur right so please don't think I don't I just feel crap about it all n would rather people didn't know if u know what I mean?

Of course you don't want people to know, I can completely understand that.

But I'm worried that if you don't tell people what's been going on, how he has threatened you, bullied you, undermined you, and put a stop to it all now, then in the weeks to come, when you have had your baby and are feeling even more fragile and vulnerable, you will let him right back in.

Good to hear you are staying strong Kel, you do need to tell people you trust and get help from WA, your midwife and the police. You DON'T have to see him again, put his stuff in bin bags and dump it outside.

You have done nothing wrong, have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. HE is the one in the wrong.

Stay strong, keep all nasty messages and please contact your police DV unit or phone 101 and get his threats logged.

You can do this, you've already done the hardest part. This will all soon just be a (shitty) memory. You have got so much to look forward to.

Hi Kell, just wondered how you're doing. Really hope you're okay and things have calmed down a bit.

Hi ladies, still feel so tortured emotionally and not strong at all, haven't seen him but he texts all the time, some nasty some nice, promising the world and tugging on every heart string :( I'm 3 weeks away from giving birth now so could be any day n feel so vunerable and alone which makes it easier for him to play me
I'm not sure how to keep going at the moment I'm so emotionally battered I can't think straight n keep crying and being sick every time I'm out of earshot of the kids :( x

Please keep going, please keep this man away from you and your DC, please don't let him trap you.

You are strong. You can do this. Call Woman's Aid for RL help and support, post here, but do not keep this vile, evil man in your life, he will destroy you and your family.

Keep on going. I have read your thread and I know that you have seen him for what he is. You can do this. It is not easy, but you can. Keep posting and draw whatever strength you can from us. Also remind yourself of why you made this decision and know that your life will get better. Not immediately but not so long either.

can you block his number so you can have some peace??

Kell get yourself another sim card, and only give the number to those that need it and wont pass it on, youve said your something to do with the police up thread, surely its time now to let everyone know what the hell is going on, there is no way you can deal with this on your own now, going to make yourself ill lovey, please seek help.

I've asked O2 to send me another sim as I've got an iPhone n can't put the ones u can buy in shops in it, just want this pregnancy to be over now I'm not even excited anymore about having a baby I just feel numb and like these past 9 months have been the worst of my life ( not the baby's fault I know) n feel so guilty that I'm so emotionally battered I can't even look forward to her
Worried now I won't bond with her coz of how battered my head is, will end up with Pnd etc :( x

You may not feel strong right now Kel, but you are being so strong, just by keeping away from him. As soon as you get your new sim you won't have to read his shitty texts. I wouldn't read any he sends you in the meantime.

Have you talked to your MW? Your gorgeous new baby will be the beginning of a much better life, just keep taking one day at a time and keep reaching out for support.

You can do this.

What an incredibly cruel man he is Kell. You know how at school there were always a few nasty, cruel kids who seemed to get a kick out of pulling the legs off insects - he is like the adult equivalent. Please continue to ignore him and hopefully eventually he will slope off to get his fix elsewhere. He is very, very damaged.

So sorry you feel so lonely and vulnerable. Pregnancy hormones can make you feel like you need to be looked after. You will be OK though, it's natural to feel a strong urge to be loved and looked after.

Please contact Women's Aid and find out what help is available in your area. Reach out for support from people who are not cruel and damaged.

Please try to not worry so much about what other people think. You know your friends have backed off because of him and they will return.

All I do is cry tho, well that and be sick! I don't really have a midwife, been put under the care of a consultant who I see once a month n coz of that I've only ever seen the midwife once about 8 months ago
I hate myself for feeling like this and for not being excited about her arrival, feel like he's killed every bit of happiness and excitement I had about her coming, he doesn't care tho n thinks he's done nothing wrong which eats me up even more that he's broken me so much with not a shred of remorse only pity for himself :( x

He can't do empathy Kell, his brain has not developed to work that way. It's not down to you that he can't care, he can't care and nothing you can say or do can change that. This is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you, you are vulnerable to him and other abusers because you are lonely and have a need to be loved.

Can today be the first day of the rest of your life, a life devoted to building up your own confidence and enjoyment of what you want to enjoy? Of believing that you are a good Mum? You will attract kind people and be able to kick the losers into touch one day. Look at the number of women who have posted on this thread with their stories of setting themselves free. You can get there.

I know ur right I just don't get it ( how he can be so heartless) n even find myself feeling sorry for him on some of his guilt trip messages - stupid I know but I hate the thought of anyone I care about being upset even him! That's y it boggles my mind so much that he can claim he loves me but feel no guilt about how he treats me
If I wasn't pregnant this would be so much easier I think I just can't see a way forward coz its such a horrible frame of mind to be a new mum in, the guilt is starting to eat away at me that I'm dreading her coming rather than being excited and it's not her fault :( I feel like when I see her all I'll feel is guilt not joy or excitement :( x

He is heartless because of the way he grew up and the damage that happened when he was a very young baby by the sounds of it. He has a deep seated need to be loved too no doubt, that probably bonds the two of you together in way, but for him, when he gets it, he cannot deal with it. It's OK to feel a bit sorry for him, it shows you are a person who can feel, but it's not OK to let that sadness be a reason to be abused yourself. It is sad that his potential is lost and sometimes he hurts - but you cannot change it, there is nothing you can do to change it. If he had the will to change, he could start a long and hard battle to change, it might work. It is extremely unlikely that he will ever do this. Some humans don't feel guilt.

Please reach out for some real life help. Women's aid, a women's centre, tell a health professional who can put you in touch with a peri/post natal depression team.

I'm off to sleep now. Hope you can get some sleep Kell. Take care.

Hi there ladies little update... Still waiting for new sim, he keeps texting and I keep ignoring, he said he'd forgotten something at my house I can't find it here just think its an excuse to keep bothering me so I sent 1 text back saying its not here n pls leave me .....
He turned up this evening going mad as I wouldn't let him in, shouting thru the letterbox and banging on the door shouting do I realise what I'm loosing???! I kept saying I would call the police if he didn't go away n even had to go as far as gaffa taping the letterbox up when he moved for a min as he had his hands etc thru it :(
Then he was trying to give me the guilt trip that he had no money to get home, his phone was dead, could I let him in to charge his phone etc etc but I didn't so he's said it's not over n he will be back, I'm gonna wish I hadn't messed with him etc :( all verbal tho not by text so haven't got any proof
He's gone now....or seems to be but maybe he's right that I'll never b rid of him, kids in bed and I feel a prisoner in my own home having to tape letterbox up and constantly checking doors are locked :( x

Call that police, he is threatening you. EVERYONE has the right to feel safe and secure in their own home.
He will never, ever change and you need to keep him away from you at all costs. Please ring the police - they need to know you're being threatened.

If I ring the police he will prob loose his job ( not my problem I know) but I'm worried that if he does it will make the situation far worse n he'll do something to get revenge, plus if I do he will just make up lies about me n try n get me into trouble with police/ social services etc n I have no proof that he was being threatening today :(
Sorry if I'm ranting or seeming stupidly weak, just consumed by worry of the what ifs? :( x

I don't want to sound harsh but there are far worse "what-ifs."
What if he's allowed to continue harassing you with no police intervention and gains entry to your house, threatening or hurting you or your children.

The possibility of him losing his job is TOTALLY his choice. If you don't want to get in trouble with the police, don't threaten and harass vulnerable women.

Don't get caught up in the fact you have no proof. Just log it with them. Because I promise he'll come back again and each time could very possibly escalate when he realises he's not getting anywhere.

Sorry to sound negative, I just think this has been going on far too long and he's probably pretty certain now that you're not going to do anyting about it.,

Oh Kell, you poor thing. Am really worried for you. Please, please call the police and log this incident. He sounds unhinged.

Do you have any neighbours who may have heard/witnessed him being there tonight?

Please let your family know what is happening. Is there anyone you can ask to come over and stay with you tonight?

Really hope you're okay.

this is awful I do not know how you are coping and heavily pregnant!
You could video him on your mobile as he tries to put his arms in through your letterbox.

If you contact your firestation for the arson team they will come and seal your letterbox with a metal plate. Ask them to double seal your letterbox as it would be easy to bend the metal plate. They should give you also a letterbox and will put it up for you outside. I totally get the fear with the letterbox. I ended up having to get new front door without letterbox.

Please contact arson team tomorrow morning.

yep,I second calling the police & log this incident. Also that you should speak to.your neighbours in the morning & ask if they heard him shouting at & threatening you. Ask them to keep their eyes open. If you let them.know the situation as it stands (him being a vengeful twatmeister) I'm sure they will be happy to try & help you keep safe.

As to your concerns about him possibly losing his job,well as someone else said,he should have thought about that before he started threatening you,and secondly - rather he lose his job than you or your children come to any harm at his hands.

I posted earlier on your thread,but I still keep an eye on it to see how you're doing. You have been so strong & brave to this point. Just keep focussing on your children & new baby & of course your own safety. He has no claim to you or them. Don't,for the love of god,let him into your house.