Can't sleep for crying....what shall I do?

[Kellstar83]

Hi there ladies advice needed if poss pls....

I'm 8 months pregnant n being made to feel so worthless by my partner that I cry myself to sleep most nights
He is not baby's dad ( we split up for a year and I fell pregnant during this time but has always said he wants to bring up baby etc as the dad isn't interested)

I do everything to support him ( he has a job but I pay for everything despite having 2 other kids to support) it wouldn't be so bad if he appreciated it but when he comes over n doesn't help with anything, acts like he's king of the castle in my home and is nasty to me over everything and anything :(
For example.... He says my friends/ family think horrible things about me ( that they agree with him basically) but only he's got the guts to tell me what I'm like :(
He tells me I'm a bad mum everytime one of the kids do anything even minor wrong
Threatens to leave me nearly every day
Calls me pathetic or mentally unstable if I cry
Says my kids would be better off with thier alcoholic violent father and if we split up he would try to get them taken off me by making up lies about me to support my ex
Frightens me and then when I ask him to leave he says if I want him to go call 999

I know everyone's probably reading this and thinking what the hell are u doing with him, I realise I'm a fool but I do love him and my kids adore him - they've already had thier dad walk out on them so I'm desperately trying to hold this together for thier sake

He always says he loves me but how could someone be so intentionally cruel if they did?? I feel so worthless and dreading him acting like this once my baby girl is here in 5 weeks but I'm too weak and worried about my kids being upset to tell him to go :(

Any advice appreciated or just a chat, someone friendly to talk to would make a change as he hates me talking to my friends but doesn't know I've found Mn x

Please don't allow him in your children's lives any longer. Do not allow him to have any kind of parental responsibility for your new baby. He sounds horribly abusive. You are giving your children an awful example of adult relationships.

Dump him before the wedding. Your children will have family to distract them, and so will you. If you don't want to tell people the reason why, then don't. It's your business and no-one elses.

Finally, an abusing man who makes you feel worthless is a very bad person to have with you in labour. You should only have someone who is truly supportive towards you. You don't need to take anyone with you, that would be far preferable to taking him.

I would like to add that I think dishonesty over telling your children who their sibling's father really is, is not really on. I assume that you would also plan to tell your baby, in time, that this jerk is his/her father? Can you imagine that child's reaction when they find out that is not the case at some point in the future? They will be heartbroken.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I heard you paid for everything and you don't live together. That makes everything so much easier.

This man is a disgrace. Your children are treading on eggshells around him. Of course they act like they like him; they'll be too scared to do otherwise. Why do you think they keep talking to him about the wedding? They aren't sure he's going to be there, are they?

Tell him to piss off. I agree you should contact social services in advance and say, "I've just ended a relationship with an aggressive man. He is not the father of my children. He says he is going to tell you I'm an unfit mother. I just want to warn you in advance. Please feel free to speak to me about his accusations."

You don't have any ties to him. You'll be much better off financially if you split up with him. Your kids will be much happier, as will you.

One thing, OP. This is the second loser in quick succession that you have chosen and now find difficult to shake off. I think you should have a long time without a partner and try to improve your self esteem and your tosser radar. I'm not talking about weeks or months, I'm talking about years.

Also regarding no one believing you, my mums close family knew without ever having to be told that she was unhappy despite her constantly saying she was fine. When she finally got him to leave and they found out what he was like they were nothing but supportive. Everyone else (his friends) thought she was a liar but she couldn't have cared less she was just glad he was gone. Over the years he treated other women in the same way and everyone finally saw him for what he was. Your family have no reason not to believe you if you chose to tell them.

I never told my children he was the baby's dad they just kind of innocently assumed he was as kids don't understand how complicated situations can be, I just never told them he wasn't as would have to explain the baby's father didn't want to know/see her etc not an ideal conversation to have with a 5 year old
I will always be honest with the baby about who her father is that's y i told him and put up with the crap I knew I'd get from him as I never want her to think I've lied to her about who her dad is ( I told baby's dad this but he really didn't want another child)
Jeez people can really jump to conclusions on here :( I will word what I post more carefully next time
Thank u ladies for all your kind replies x

I am struggling with this one. He treats you like shit. He is not the father of your children or your unborn child. He does not live with you but comes round presumably for food and sex. He works but does not support you - in fact, you support him presumably out of your single parent benefits.

What on earth do you get out of this? This man is really taking the piss. Would you really trust him around your vulnerable newborn daughter?

You can do it sweetheart you are obviously a strong woman who has been thru and continues to go thru very stressful things and copes but you do need to get rid, you know that tho don't you, this isn't love, love is a beautiful thing which this is not. Big hugs xxx

Kellstar83 the priority as I see it for you and your family (including the little one on a low light in the oven) is to secure their emotional future. That does not include that man. That is the greatest gift you can give your children, a secure emotional future with you. You in full working order as a functioning person not driven to confusion and self loathing by That Man. They really only need you compos mentis. He can lie till the cows come home, not much will come of it, believe you me. Be honest with you health visitor, be honest with your family and your children. Tidy up as you go, half truths and lies always bite one in the arse at a point further down the road.
As someone further up thread said, you have 10 days at this family gathering to recoup, get your feet under you and get ready for your baby. she is all that should matter right now.
be embarrased if you must, but the details of your private life are that, private. You do not need to give an account of yourself to all and sundry if you do not feel you want to. Go to the event, head held high and simply be in the moment.

That Man can go to hell. You have been given a very clear picture of what your future will be. If you do not do anything to stop it now, then you may never get as good an opportunity again. His threats to leave are nonsense, why would he. Out you go and don't look back. Right now, at this point, it is as easy as that. Later you can deal with whatever comes your way, but right now head for the open door. See yourself doing it. Then don't stop, don't question and most of all don't listen to him.

Read your post with a jolt of awful memories. A few years on and a lot of heartache as he is DS's father, there are a couple of possible explanations about why your abusive cocklodger is being so awful. However, an explanation doesn't mean a solution and his problems aren't yours to fix.
He is possibly being extra cruel because the baby isn't his and at a basic level he is insecure about whether he can support you and realises this is what he is expected to do.
Your tearfulness feels so bad not just because of hormones but because his cruelty has made you more dependent on winning his goodwill - the classic walking on eggshells behaviour.
Talk to your midwife, or book an extra appointment with her and discuss the situation. Abuse is often triggered by pregnancy so they will likely know where you can get practical help to help you through the last weeks of pregnancy and immediately afterwards. They may have a counsellor you can talk to as well.
If you aren't dependent on him, he ceases to have power over you. There is nothing worse than hoping someone will behave well and covering up to other people that he is supportive when he isn't.
So for you

Morning OP, I hope you've managed to catch some sleep.
I noticed from your earlier posts that you seem very concerned that "no-one will believe what he's like" etc. Just wanted to say it REALLY doesn't matter what other people think. You don't have to give any reason whatsoever for breaking up with him.

Also, in relationships, there doesn't have to be some massive, painful reason for ending it, like infidelity or violence - that's the beauty of relationships - you could break up with him just because you want to, because you don't feel the same any more, etc.

I'm kind of concerned, as SGB said, that you see being in any couple as preferable to being single. And that if you have to tell people you're no longer with this chap they'll think "oh God, how did she fuck that one up....dumped again..." etc. Please, please don't. YOU are the one who has to live on eggshells like that and it is no way to live.

Has he ever been physically violent?

People who have had one abusive partner often form relationships with another abuser because their boundaries have been so messed up and, more importantly, because their vulnerability is an arsehole-magnet. I think that's what happened to you: was your previous partner physically violent? That might have made you easy prey for a scrounging, woman-hating bully: a more secure woman would have told this man to fuck off and never come back ages ago.

You can be that secure woman, you are in a very good position to get rid of him and keep him away because you are not linked to him in any way. He has no right of entry to your home, he is not the father of any of your DC, you have no joint finances, so he can be cut right out of all your lives, which will immediaately improve.

Kell - This man does not support you in any way and is causing you grief and anxiety. Why do you deserve thes? You don't!

You will have a new baby to lool after soon, and you know what that means! This man is draining you - emotionally and physically.

Please don't let him do this to you and your kids. A happy child is worth a million men like this and this relationship is not normal. He has no right to treat you like this, to make you feel worthless and cry, to bully you.

Please consider if it is really worth it - I think you already know the answer.

I don't understand what you're doing here, this man is a bf, you don't live with him, need no financial support from him. You can simply change the locks, tell him its over and shut him out of your life.

You want him to be nice to you but HE IS NOT NICE.

Your kids want you, tell your kids that baby has a different daddy, none of the things you are worried about are as bad as subjecting yourself and your kids to this horrible horrible man. Seriously, dump him.

Yeah my ex husband was physically violent and he knows this due to my ex getting arrested for attacking me ( it was dropped thru lack of evidence btw and was 1st time I'd ever had the guys to report him)
He hasn't been physically violent as such when he's in a temper tho he makes reference to the previous violence saying basically that he can see why my ex got so angry at me etc x

saying basically that he can see why my ex got so angry at me etc x
Sick, sick, sick. Everything he says is conditioning you not to expect any better - you are being made to feel undeserving, not a real person... the only person in the world who can change anythnig in this situation is YOU - but are you ready to do it now?

Please contact Women's Aid, and do find out about and if possible attend the freedom program. Some individual counselling might also help, as I wonder about your family dynamics as you were growing up.

Please Please get rid of him NOW for the sake of your kids. Don't let the learn to accept bad reationships from watching you. Teach them about self-respect instead.

My darling, no one is jumping to conclusions or assuming that you aren't interested in their advice. They are just going through the 'what ifs' that always exist when we don't know the full story (and we couldn't ever know it, we're not living your life).

Please think about what's been said:
This man is an abuser, you know he's being cruel to you in order to keep you on the back foot so that he keeps control.
Staying in this relationship and trying to fight against his abuse will cause it to escalate.
Your children know they have to keep him onside, just as kids back up a schoolyard bully, to avoid becoming targets themselves.
People and organisations are out there to protect you from him.
Your family and friends will understand and be proud of you for dumping this bully, once you explain what he's like. In fact, I'll bet several of them have seen through his veneer already and won't be surprised.

Call your Dad or brother in advance and explain why you're going to the wedding without him, so they can explain to other people beforehand. Have a lovely time without him at the wedding, then please spend some time working out why you've had three relationships in succession with men who don't deserve you.

fermezlabouche think u have hit the nail on the head there that's exactly what I think people will think :(
My ex husband is now married to the woman he had an affair with and has been with ever since even tho he's horrible
I on the other hand have been with this guy twice and a short relationship with someone else who I fell pregnant by and doesn't want to know his baby!
I realise it's not a competition before anyone says that I'm just writing this to illustrate how it adds fuel to the fire of my current bfs words that's it's actually me that's the problem and worried that's what people will think

He's awful, nasty and emotionally abusive.

He's never going to change. If this isn't how you want to live your life, and why would you, you need to dump him. PLEASE dump him! He's a massive wrongun!

It took my mum 30 years to leave my dad who was emotionally abusive. I'm 43 and still remember the trauma of walking on egg shells so nothing would set him off because it would be my fault if he had a go at her.
Everyone on the thread has given you sound advice but until you reach the point where you feel enough is enough no change will occur. You reached that point with your ex. Is it going to take violence again to make you move? Notice he isn't violent because he knows you left.
Watch your children carefully they know. I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took my mum. You don't want to look back with regret or have your children learn to accept they are not entitled to happy relationships.
Dig deep. Find whatever you found the last time and use it too make you stronger.
Peace for you and your children.

Let them think it! It's not their business. But if you're there with your kids, looking lovely, which I'm sure you will, with a smile on your face, then they really really won't.
Even if you had 8 babies by 8 men you are a human being worthy of respect and love, and it's not ANYONE ELSE'S business. And without this wanker slowly degrading your confidence you will be able to hold your head high and show the world you're doing the absolute best for your kids.

Please get rid of this twat!

What a dreadful man. Locks changed, get rid of him.

ImperialBlether Mon 20-Aug-12 08:12:39

One thing, OP. This is the second loser in quick succession that you have chosen and now find difficult to shake off. I think you should have a long time without a partner and try to improve your self esteem and your tosser radar. I'm not talking about weeks or months, I'm talking about years.

Yes, +1 to that.
And, as an aside, when you do decide that you want a suitable partner... do consider whether your 3 children really, really need another sibling.

The number of feckless men who seem to take delight in getting "their women" pregnant is appalling. One of my family members was with some tosser who had 5 children with 3 different women. In 4 years. He was, according to her, "a lovely man, but those bitches won't let him see his kids; so he's not paying them owt until he can". Thank god she dumped him. But only after the 2nd time he hit her.

I had no intention of getting pregnant this time, I fell pregnant on the pill, the baby's dad was relatively normal btw no controlling/ nastiness issues,
I'd love to speak to my bf's ex wife n see if this is why they broke up... He says she had an affair, I'm not too sure, I hope he wasn't like this with her as the were together for 10 years just interested if he's always been like it or whether theres something about me/ that I do in particular to make him act so cruel....... X

theres something about me/ that I do in particular to make him act so cruel.......
Stop shouldering the responsibility for his vile actions! I don't think you should make contact with his ExW - their relationship is nothing to do with yours and it wouldn't achieve anything. Think about the here and now.