He doesn't want to marry and I do

[Unhappy73]

Hi, I've NCd..

I feel really unhappy and angry and it's starting to affect my relationship. Partner and I have been together 4 years and I want to get married - he doesn't (or he says he thinks we will 'at some point' - I've been hearing this for 18 months)...

I just feel its excuses. When we met he was going through a divorce but he said he valued marriage and it was important to him to be married - at that point I was cynical about marriage and told him so (but nevertheless,his attitude attracted me). 18 months ago I realised my feelings had changed and suddenly he didn't want to! Said he was surprised at my change of attitude). But the he said we would at some point.. So i left it, didn't want to nag... Since then we've had a bust up every six months (when my feelings reached boiling point) interspersed by him making occasional general comments about getting married but not actually doing anything bout it! Eg on my birthday in March, he said 'so you'd like to get married at .... ' followed by a monologue from me about how I would and to get on with asking me as I'd like to do it next year etc etc', with him just listening to me and since then - nothing!

It's just blown up again as we're just back from a weekend away, somewhere he told me he wanted to take me on our first date, so knew if he was going to propose he'd do it then but there was no mention..

When it blew up at start of year, he said that I hadn't even sold my house yet. It sold in April (although i was really living with him before it sold) and nothing
said! Its like he's moving the goalposts.

I told him just to say he doesn't want to marry ME! Maybe childish, but he married the ex-wife after only 9 months of knowing each other 'because it felt so right, and what's the point in waiting'!!! So what does that say about me?

Just feel very angry and resentful, feel like he wants me to do things to help him (like a wife would) but doesn't think enough of me to marry me. As I said to him, would be different if he wasn't the marrying type (then I wouldn't take it personally) but i know he is! Also, the fact he's generally mentioned marriage during that time angers me - is it just an ego boost for him to get me talking about it? Or to appease me for a while?

He treats me well in every way,is generous and loving, one of the most balanced human beings I've ever met! But I can't stop myself feeling furious, like I've been rejected. As I said, I've mainly kept a lid on it for the last 18 months because I don't want to nag him into anything - it wouldn't mean anything then..

The anger and resentment is making the relationship really difficult and I can't shake it. Feel like I'm investing more into us, expected to help him out like a wife without that status. Feel like I've misread this relationship and now feel reluctant to invest in it to the same level.

Can I just say I do have feminist views, but don't see anything wrong with wanting to calling him my husband or wanting him to WANT me to be his wife. I've seen posters getting flamed on threads like this..

Thanks for listening.

I think you need to decide whether your desire to get married is more important than your relationship. Tbh it sounds like you're acting like a bit of a brat because he's failed to produce a sparkler.

If you love each other and have a good relationship then how will being married improve things?

And with one failed marriage behind him, who can blame him for not wanting to do it again?

If you really want to marry and he doesn't then you have two options. Suck it up and stay with him or finish with him and hope in the future you meet someone special enough to want marriage with.

I also think its not so much about marriage any more to you now is it? You have been wanting to for 18 months and it's more about feeling rejected. You could try look at things another way. He is with you, he treats you well. Does marriage really make a big difference? Is it any bigger a commitment? Is it important enough to you to give up what you have if wont?

So basically you want him to make a commitment to you, which he isn't doing.

He made a commitment once before, and although it felt right to him at the time, it didn't work out. Maybe it's a once bitten, twice shy thing.

Do you think he never wants to get married again, or just doesn't want to marry you?

He views of why he got married the first time have no reflection of his feelings for you.
He was younger then and since it failed he is probably wary. Which is normal.
'a wife' doesn't act any different from a live in partner.
Maybe your vision of what being married means, scares him.

don't seethe.

do try to discuss in a non-pressurized way - after all you don't want him to marry you out of pressure, but because he wants to.

i think if he really isn't going to marry you, and you still want that, better to end the relationship sooner rather than later.

it feels like a rejection, because that's what it is.

oh sweetie. I don't know what to say except I am in the exact same position in that I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years and for the past 6+ months I have been desperate to marry him. He does exactly the same wrt to talking about weddings 'oh when I get married I want....' and we went on holiday to a place that he described as "the perfect place to propose" and then didn't. He was really shocked and upset when I told him I had been expecting a proposal. He says he is 'not ready'.

Though I feel like you, i cna't tell whether he can't be arsed, doesn't want to get married yet, doesn't want to get married full stop or doesn't want to get married at all.

Even though I am very very happy in our otherwise very fucntional and lovely relationship I do feel a bit rejected.

I don't know what to say other than you will get slated on these boards as I have in the past when puting this scenario up!

Marriage makes a HUGE difference though if you're thinking of having children with this man, remember that too OP.

It sounds like everytime you do something special together you think it is an oppertunity for him to propose and when he doesn't you get cross with him. Why don't you just cut out the middle man and propose yourself? At least then you'd have an answer one way or another. Some men don't like being nagged into marriage and how is he supposed to surprise you with a lovely proposal if you are expecting it all the time?

I definitely think a bit of perspective is needed. I'd quite like to marry DP one day but if he didn't, it wouldn't be a big deal and I say that as one who gets bouts of insecurity sometimes. I think what you need to work out is if you want to marry in the future or marry your DP if that makes sense. How important is the act of marriage really to you as opposed to the person.

'because it felt so right, and what's the point in waiting'!!!

I think this is shit of him to have said. It's blatantly putting a comparison down. IMHO, he should have said that he was sure at the time, but now he realises how wrong he was. ANYTHING apart from saying that it was so right after 9 months that they got married.

It's like he is defending that choice rather than trying to move forward with you.

I travelled a lot before I met my DH and while he knows I have, and he knows that I've dated other men and I know he has dated other women, we both say that "nothing felt like this" and "I've never been here before"

I think he makes you feel insecure because he has done it before, expressed the desire to do it again and when you are finally on the same page, he changes his mind

Thanks for the comments all, good and bad! But glad a lot of you can understand!

We're both divorced, albeit mine was a long time ago.. No plans to have kids.

Glad a lot of you can understand! If he likes to be married, then I take it as a personal rejection that he doesn't appear to want to get his finger out and marry me.. Actions speak louder than words and vague murmurings from him actually only make things worse, I almost feel he's taking the piss! It's not the lack of marriage as such (although I really want to be able to call him my husband) but the feeling that I mustn't be 'good enough' in his opinion. Feel very angry with him and don't feel like going out of my way to help him or fill a wife's role..

ethelb I've seen lots of similar posts being flamed, think I remember yours.. It's hard eh?

kicktheguru your last sentence sums it up perfectly, thank you.

To be fair to him, he made the comment regarding marrying the ex quickly, when we first met before strong feelings were involved, it just stuck in my head! He wouldn't say that now.. They were together for 16 years and I dont think he'd even say now that them marrying was a mistake, they got on well it's just that circumstances becme very difficult and it didn't work out.. Like the fact he doesn't slate the ex (as I said he's very balanced!) but does make me feel second best.

Yeh that would make me feel very insecure. My DH mentioned one ex-girlfriend who is a bit of a bloody nutter and I crapped all over him.

If it's not to tell me she is useless and "nothing on me", I honestly don't care.

I went through an "international rugby player" scene so I have about three very well known rugby players that I've snogged. I have two left now. I've told him about one.

^^ That is mostly a joke but I really honestly don't give a shit how fabulous someone in his past was

And visa versa

thanks guru. I appear to be more volatile than she was (well everyone's different eh?) and I think their relationship was quite different to ours but it old be wouldn't it, all relationships are different.. Plus we have baggage now, each other's kid to deal with - you can't compare that to meeting someone in your twenties and it being uncomplicated and starting a family together.. I just feel he must be unfavourably comparing our relationship to their's.. If he doesn't want to marry me, maybe he should go and find someone he does want to marry. Feel sad.

Does he actively compare you to her?

I'm sorry. It's crap when you try to be all reserved and you get lulled into a false sense of security.

At the end of the day what is more important to you. A piece of paper or being with your boyfriend? If it's the paper then probably time to move on. I suspect that since your boyfriend is already a divorcee he knows that a piece of paper counts for nothing. If I was you I would try to forget about that and move onto more important things, have children etc if you both want them etc.

No he doesn't ever mention her, I only go on what he told me when we first got together... Just feel he does love me but not enough to marry me nor does he feel proud enough of me to want me to be his wife..

I think you need to chat to him about it before jumping to the conclusion that he either isn't proud of you or doesn't want to marry you.

I would be non-confrontational and just sit him down and say you're not nagging but you have changed your mind and would he change his mind ever or how can you work through it.

If he had been actively comparing you to the ex, then fair enough he is a bit mean. But since he hasn't, maybe he wants to make sure before he commits to someone for the rest of his life? Maybe he knows it's right with you but he needs a bit more assurance, since "he knew it was right" last time?

I very much doubt those things are true. It's so sad, as you sound like you have a great relationship. I don't think you can really say he's the 'marrying kind' if he is divorced, he's the 'marrying and divorcing' kind which is why he's probably a bit reluctant to change the status quo.

But obviously if you feel it matters a great deal, you do have the option to back off/move out/stop doing 'wife' type of things (have you been reading The Rules? it all sounds a bit like that, and the woman that wrote the Rules got divorced anyway).

Thanks. I just feel I've already said everything and it's now at the point that if he said he wanted to it would be tainted and not worth as much because its taken so much upset to get to that point. Plus I'd be thinking he's only doing it cos he's been 'pressured' and I don't want that. Wanted him to want to, what's the point otherwise?

This whole business is making me feel negatively towards him. And I don't want that.

The thing about marriage is that it is a really good way to tie up the legals - pensions, death in service benefit, property, etc.

What sort of legals/wills are in place? Because even if there is no wedding, you should protect yourself.

You've sold your house, moved in with him, and he keeps changing his mind about making a commitment to you ? It'd worry me a lot, tbh. I would first prioritise ringfencing money from the sale of your house so it is in your name only, in case the relationship doesn't work out. Then I would consider forging hobbies , friendships etc independent of him, and make it clear that you are protecting your future because he is not willing to commit to a future together. No need for ultimatums, but he needs to understand that you won't be dangled forever.

Wanting to be married isn't brattish - it shows commitment to one another, and offers protection to the spouse without property / income that co-habitees don't have .

Thanks Lisa - we only rent at the moment but I've told him wills need to be sorted. Said it in a moment of anger tho - situation just makes me feel bad..