He doesn't want to marry and I do

[Unhappy73]

Hi, I've NCd..

I feel really unhappy and angry and it's starting to affect my relationship. Partner and I have been together 4 years and I want to get married - he doesn't (or he says he thinks we will 'at some point' - I've been hearing this for 18 months)...

I just feel its excuses. When we met he was going through a divorce but he said he valued marriage and it was important to him to be married - at that point I was cynical about marriage and told him so (but nevertheless,his attitude attracted me). 18 months ago I realised my feelings had changed and suddenly he didn't want to! Said he was surprised at my change of attitude). But the he said we would at some point.. So i left it, didn't want to nag... Since then we've had a bust up every six months (when my feelings reached boiling point) interspersed by him making occasional general comments about getting married but not actually doing anything bout it! Eg on my birthday in March, he said 'so you'd like to get married at .... ' followed by a monologue from me about how I would and to get on with asking me as I'd like to do it next year etc etc', with him just listening to me and since then - nothing!

It's just blown up again as we're just back from a weekend away, somewhere he told me he wanted to take me on our first date, so knew if he was going to propose he'd do it then but there was no mention..

When it blew up at start of year, he said that I hadn't even sold my house yet. It sold in April (although i was really living with him before it sold) and nothing
said! Its like he's moving the goalposts.

I told him just to say he doesn't want to marry ME! Maybe childish, but he married the ex-wife after only 9 months of knowing each other 'because it felt so right, and what's the point in waiting'!!! So what does that say about me?

Just feel very angry and resentful, feel like he wants me to do things to help him (like a wife would) but doesn't think enough of me to marry me. As I said to him, would be different if he wasn't the marrying type (then I wouldn't take it personally) but i know he is! Also, the fact he's generally mentioned marriage during that time angers me - is it just an ego boost for him to get me talking about it? Or to appease me for a while?

He treats me well in every way,is generous and loving, one of the most balanced human beings I've ever met! But I can't stop myself feeling furious, like I've been rejected. As I said, I've mainly kept a lid on it for the last 18 months because I don't want to nag him into anything - it wouldn't mean anything then..

The anger and resentment is making the relationship really difficult and I can't shake it. Feel like I'm investing more into us, expected to help him out like a wife without that status. Feel like I've misread this relationship and now feel reluctant to invest in it to the same level.

Can I just say I do have feminist views, but don't see anything wrong with wanting to calling him my husband or wanting him to WANT me to be his wife. I've seen posters getting flamed on threads like this..

Thanks for listening.

'he's asking you to financially commit, but won't discuss emotional commitment like a grown up, as in "I want this" or "I'm sorry, I know you want marriage, but I dont want that."'

Exactly

:( Sorry OP, I have been there, with my previous partner. He was actually my fiance but showed no signs at all of getting married (isn't that the point of getting engaged!). To me, it did matter that he wouldn't marry me - on the grounds that as his pov was that it didn't seem that important, I couldn't understand then why he couldn't just do it as it was important to me?

Great great guy. We're still very good friends. But he was never going to marry me, and it was poisoning the relationship that we had. It just made me feel like he was waiting for something better to come along (or giving himself the opportunity if something better did come along!) So after 7 years, I said I was leaving.

I'm now extremely happy, married and loving life to a man who couldn't wait to marry me (and vice versa!)

BUT it's ultimately about whether or not you can live with not being married. That's all that matters. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you're at ease with it. :(

EightiesChick Sun 19-Aug-12 21:52:06
But my view is always that if one partner does and the other doesn't, then the 'not bothered' person should cave - because if it's 'just a piece of paper' then why object?

Because it legally changes all sorts of things.
Claims over property, next of kin.

I left one marriage and on divorce, asked GF to marry me so I had no such issues.

OP is going to have to learn not to want marriage or leave I think. Sounds like heels are already being dug in.

OP, don't really have much sage advice to add I'm afraid (sorry!), but just wanted to say that I can completely understand where you're coming from. I'm in the same boat and we've been a couple for no fewer than ten years. DP is, in many ways, absolutely lovely, but just doesn't seem to have marriage (and kids, which are also becoming an issue) on his agenda. We've discussed it; he's indicated that he has every intention of marrying me - but the proposal never comes. I have no desire for a big white wedding or anything like that - a small affair would be just fine - but I suppose that deep down I'm fairly traditional, and would like the legal security and foundation for any future children. We actually had a break a few years ago over his lack of commitment, but then he said he wanted us to buy a house together, and I caved in, thinking this was would naturally culminate in marriage. It hasn't. In hindsight, I should probably have stood my ground and given him a clear-cut ultimatum - OP, I'd advise you to do this if marriage is really what you want!

OneMoreChap oh yes, totally agree. But the 'it's just a piece of paper' line is trotted out so often, as if it's a gold medal-winning argument to beat all others, that I feel it needs countering. If something really is a meaningless act, then I don't see why a person would be so resistant to it if it would please their partner.

Agree with you about the OP's options, too.

After seven pages of this, I reckon yr gentleman is having his cake and eating it.

That's not unusual these days, but it doesn't make it right. And it isn't right for you. So I would:

1. Slowly, slowly, start thinking about changes. Consider adding to your life rather than taking chunks (him) out of it, eg with girls nights, courses, and so on.

1. Really don't spend any money with him.

1. Start to withdraw wifely services, beginning with the ones you don't like. I'm not suggesting sex (cackle) but hang loose on home maintenance, partic stuff for him.

1. Go out with your friends and daughter more, and refer to outings with him as 'dates'.

Not that this story has much to do with the above, but my cousin lived with a guy for years who wouldn't marry her.

She bust a gut to please him and still no proposal, altho he did start angling for children. To cut a painfully long story short, she dated someone else a couple of times. DP hit the roof - he really believed that he was entitled to this lovely girl for life, despite having actively refused commitment. They broke up when she realised she didn't want to marry him anyway.

I laff cruelly at the guy's reaction, cruelly because I felt rather sorry for him, and I do think one's emotions should be respected in this regard, but she was right. Seems like the only emotions he cared about were his.

withdraw wifely services-have i just been shuttled back in time? If you do all of these things or even want to I can't see you ever marrying

Ok, update. We had a full and frank discussion last night. Ultimately, he says he does want to marry me, he only said he didn't want to marry me now when we came back from Ireland because he was suprised at my question and he wasn't feeling the best about the relationship (I had been very on edge and agree I kind of ruined the weekend with my internal wranglings over where we were going! ). He says at no other point has he said he didn't want to marry, we've just had a lot on over last few months (true) and it wasn't at the top of his priority list and maybe that was wrong but as we're happy he thought we could deal with it later.

He's happy to marry next year and wants to do things traditionally and make him asking me special. And he will be asking me.

I'm feeling a lot better. The thing about him is he's very upfront and honest and never says anything without considering it and really meaning it. He did say last night if he didn't want to marry me he would just say (which I know he would!). That's why I was so unsettled at him saying we would marry then not doing anything about it, it made me question everything.

I put up with this and lived to regret it. I really wish I'd valued myself more highly to be honest. I should have walked. I think I had too low self esteem to walk away. I would be able to now. I'm still wading through the life-long repurcussions of accepting a set up that suited him entirely, but not me.

Funnily enough I'm seeing a divorced man now and he told me very quickly that he wasnt going to get married again! however, i don't want to marry him but I do want to get married one day so it didn't upset me.

@ unhappy73, well if you have your children in Ireland and you're not married then he will have no more rights than the post man. it's '"funny" my x ended up losing his children really because he was more scared of losing his house. My mother astutely said that years ago. He's more afraid of sharing his assets than he is of not having rights to over the children. (I have never stopped him seeing children btw)).

I remember years ago I began to act a bit crazy because of all the internal dialogue inside my head. I literally didn't know what to think or do next, or if I was brave enough to do what I decided I needed to do. Suddenly this person who's supposed to be your partner is the source of your anxieties.... and you have to keep most of it private because you'll be fobbed off with various platitudes. So, you keep it quiet and it comes out as stressy behaviour in other areas.

I would just never put up with it now, and I so regret not walking away when I was younger.

Thanks Olympia, it's not easy is it? I'm glad you understand about the 'internal dialogue' - its terrible! I had been letting it all build up inside too. I do believe him, as I said he's very honest, and expect things to progress soon. But it's hard when you think there is a disparity between what you feel and what they do.

I hope you meet the right person for you..

'I had been very on edge and agree I kind of ruined the weekend with my internal wranglings over where we were going'

I'm sorry to say it, but I think he's manipulating you. You 'ruined the weekend' because you simply need to know where your relationship is going. (!)

So now you're going to be there dangling for another year while you wait for him to find time to 'make it special'. What's wrong with just agreeing a date, like adults?

I don't mean to upset you, but this sort of thing pushes buttons for me. One of my colleagues had been engaged for 7 years, desperately wanting to get married and start a family. In that time I met my husband, married and was on my second child.

If one of your friends were in this situation, what would you be telling her?

OK, glad you are feeling better, though in your shoes I would like something a little more precise than 'next year'. Plus, if you really do want a wedding next year, and want to have your choice of dates and places, then you are going to need to book it soon. Of course if you are completely flexible about date and venue then it will be less of a concern.

One other question: have you now been reassured that you can discuss marriage with him openly, and that you're on the same page? Or do you feel that raising the issue causes more problems and you will have to let it go for a while now, having had this discussion, to avoid him feeling pressured?

If he wants to get married 'traditionally' next year then if I were you I would put a note in my electronic calendar six months from now, say Christmas and if he hadn't proposed by New Year's Day then I think it is a carrot on a stick, hanging just in front of you.

Weddings take time to plan and he should know this.

I suppose it depends on how many of these 'full and frank' discussions you have had, how many times he has said he will, etc etc etc. I wouldn't tell him about the deadline either.

Then I would enjoy myself as much as I could and put it to the back of my mind, but perhaps enjoy taking an independent look at life, not being dependent on him.

I would also consider the legal position about getting financially tied without marriage. If you have eg a joint mortgage then it is still hard to separate and you are still very tied to him but you don't have as much legal protection. If you were more comfortable about just tying up the legals then that is one thing, but it isn't just about that, is it? It is feeling like 'goods on approval'.

I hope this works out for you. My opinion, fwiw, is that the longer it drags out, the longer it will fester and eventually it will poison the relationship whether he proposes eventually or not. Good luck.

Hi Heath, I do understand what you're saying and thank you for understanding my 'internal wranglings' but to put it in context I hadn't mentioned marriage in months so (as he said) I should have communicated this to him. I didn't give him any inkling what was wrong and I did ruin the weekend which was important to him.

He's a better communicator than me, I just close down, and it's him that wants to talk and sort this issue out..

In answer to your question, if it was a friend who had a different partner I would probably be sceptical. However, knowing my partner, I'm not too concerned. That may be naive and may come back to bite me on the arse, but I don't think so only because it's him.

EightiesChick thanks for reply. It's him that's been wanting to talk about it and sort it out so yes I do feel it's all out in the open..

Thanks Lisa - we've never spoke about me doing it at a certain time or in these terms (apart from once when he vaguely mentioned marriage I said I'd like to do it next year). I asked him last night why he hadn't said 'no' at the time, he said because he's happy to marry next year. I do have a deadline in my head.

So at last you got your finger out and proposed and now all it well.

novack with all due respect, I'm not going to bother replying to your posts, as they make little or no sense in relation to what I've said

Really. Oh well. I was just pointing out that after all your prevaricating that now you've proposed you've actually got the answer you wanted which was to get married. Surely that must make you happy. at least you shoul dnow see that there is was no pint spending all your time worrying and dithering when all you had to do was pop the question. Well done.

Anyway congratulations on your engagement.

Hopefully it'll all work out OP. Definitely give it a relatively short deadline, just to make sure there can be no room for faffing about. As someone else said, if New Year passes and nothing's been said/done, a reminder might be in order.

Sucks that you would have to do that though, after 4 years...

If my OH had ruined every nice thing we did by huffing like a kid that it didn't culminate in her getting a ring to show off, I would have quickly learned doing nice things wasn't worth the earache.

Luckily when I asked her we both knew it wasn't with a gun to my head.

HAPPY, congratualtions!

But I am begging you, please please please listen to Olympia. Men might not understand love the way we do, but they do understand respect.

And, please don't be fukkin stupid about the £££££. Either: you are MARRIED before you sink £££ into HIS assets, OR you have a financial contract.

Please hear me on this. Please promise us you will do this?

mrmiyagi no gun to his head, my partner is too strong to be 'forced' to do something he doesn't want to do and as for your other observation, you don't know me, you don't know my partner and it was nothing to do with 'showing off a ring' (I'm not that shallow!) If the best you can do is come on here and spout rubbish which bears no relation to my actual posts/feelings, well I'm glad you're filling your time

abitobblynow thanks for all your advice and everyone else's (whether i agree or not) and yes I hear. House won't be getting bought anytime soon.