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Original poster

He doesn't want to marry and I do

174 replies

Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 15:32

Hi, I've NCd..

I feel really unhappy and angry and it's starting to affect my relationship. Partner and I have been together 4 years and I want to get married - he doesn't (or he says he thinks we will 'at some point' - I've been hearing this for 18 months)...

I just feel its excuses. When we met he was going through a divorce but he said he valued marriage and it was important to him to be married - at that point I was cynical about marriage and told him so (but nevertheless,his attitude attracted me). 18 months ago I realised my feelings had changed and suddenly he didn't want to! Said he was surprised at my change of attitude). But the he said we would at some point.. So i left it, didn't want to nag... Since then we've had a bust up every six months (when my feelings reached boiling point) interspersed by him making occasional general comments about getting married but not actually doing anything bout it! Eg on my birthday in March, he said 'so you'd like to get married at .... ' followed by a monologue from me about how I would and to get on with asking me as I'd like to do it next year etc etc', with him just listening to me and since then - nothing!

It's just blown up again as we're just back from a weekend away, somewhere he told me he wanted to take me on our first date, so knew if he was going to propose he'd do it then but there was no mention..

When it blew up at start of year, he said that I hadn't even sold my house yet. It sold in April (although i was really living with him before it sold) and nothing
said! Its like he's moving the goalposts.

I told him just to say he doesn't want to marry ME! Maybe childish, but he married the ex-wife after only 9 months of knowing each other 'because it felt so right, and what's the point in waiting'!!! So what does that say about me?

Just feel very angry and resentful, feel like he wants me to do things to help him (like a wife would) but doesn't think enough of me to marry me. As I said to him, would be different if he wasn't the marrying type (then I wouldn't take it personally) but i know he is! Also, the fact he's generally mentioned marriage during that time angers me - is it just an ego boost for him to get me talking about it? Or to appease me for a while?

He treats me well in every way,is generous and loving, one of the most balanced human beings I've ever met! But I can't stop myself feeling furious, like I've been rejected. As I said, I've mainly kept a lid on it for the last 18 months because I don't want to nag him into anything - it wouldn't mean anything then..

The anger and resentment is making the relationship really difficult and I can't shake it. Feel like I'm investing more into us, expected to help him out like a wife without that status. Feel like I've misread this relationship and now feel reluctant to invest in it to the same level.

Can I just say I do have feminist views, but don't see anything wrong with wanting to calling him my husband or wanting him to WANT me to be his wife. I've seen posters getting flamed on threads like this..

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
AlaskaNebraska · 16/08/2012 16:56

He's
Just
Not
That
Into
You

NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 16:59

Why does he need t sort out a will in your benefit. Unless you have dependant children together then that should never even be an issue. Also even if you were married you should still have your own hobbies friends etc.

paula900 · 16/08/2012 17:01

Can i ask why do you feel you need to get married? Is not living together enough? Does that not show committment and a future together? Must be hard to be in your situation and hope you find a solution. Best of luck.

Babyrabbits · 16/08/2012 17:05

Hes a man, he is probably genuine in his not really thinking he's stalling crap.

I would be honest with him, say your not going to waste time if your not in it for the long term.

Yes it is a mans job to ask but it shold be well discussed before hand.

Stop being a little girl call him out, explain your desires it will be a decider.

Good luck. If it helps i did what you did with an ex, big mistake. With my My dh i was open and honest...we got married!

LisaMed · 16/08/2012 17:08

NovackNGood - wills are needed if there is joint property/accounts/money/shares etc that if one should die intestate could leave the other in a tricky state.

Just because you have lived together for twenty years, had kids and shared everything doesn't mean you automatically inherit your significant other's share of the house no matter how much you have put into it. How about a joint account with all the bills going out from it - half of it to the next of kin. etc etc etc. If no property/joint accounts etc then no need.

Though perhaps if one partner (usually but not always female) takes a hit on their career to raise the children of the relationship perhaps it might be nice to recognise that with a death in service payment/widowers pension - except no marriage and no will it goes to someone else. If you are happy that Cousin Fred that you haven't seen since his wedding in 1943 gets all the benefit of your share of the joint pot, no problem.

NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 17:12

Yes but I understood that they have no property together, She moved into his house and if he died interstate then his family as his rightfully next of kin would inherit his property.

LisaMed · 16/08/2012 17:34

NovackNGood - agree in this relationship there doesn't sound to be much in the joint pot. Just worth pointing out that if you live with someone for thirty five years and have six kids together, you still have no automatic right to pension etc and it will all go to that cousin in Australia if no-one local. Not to mention how awful on top of grief trying to unfreeze the joint account that has the bills coming from it while the cousin in Canada is holding out for their share of the balance. These are extreme examples, but if his/her mother always hated you, forget any chance of keeping anything like some of the half share of moveables in the house, not even for the kids.

There are a lot of pitfalls to living together in England and Wales (think different in Scotland) and not everyone is aware of them. Marriage is a legal contract with massive financial implications, and so is its lack. If you put a lot of effort, time and money into a relationship without marriage you risk losing it all on death or, more likely if your read the Relationship boards, separation.

If I was in the OP's position, it wouldn't be the legals that bothered me. It would be the lack of consideration of my view and I would feel undervalued. That would hurt a lot. If it was just the ceremonies, but the partner was willing to do the 'legals' then that would be different. But I would still feel a bit let down.

OP - hope this is helpful

TalHotBrunette · 16/08/2012 17:47

If you aren't his wife then don't act like one! Make the most of your freedom, take holidays with friends, build up your own life and separate off from him a little. It might make him realise he wants more or it might make you realise you don't want to get married after all!

He sounds like he has got far too much security in the relationship already to want to invest more which while on one hand is a good thing and means you probably have a strong relationship, on the other, if you want to get married there probably isn't much to hold out for and you could find yourself in a compromised financial situation if you are living in his house and you separate.

Changlingz · 16/08/2012 17:56

Well if I were him I wouldn't get married again.
I can't see the point.

He should be looking to leave everything of his to his children anyway.

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 18:03

Once again, thank you all.

NovackNGood while we don't share property we have jointly bought other items that can't be owned jointly if you see whati mean. I'm talking motor vehicles worth a lot of money, household items etc,. Our kids are 19 and 20 and while I'd want my daughter taken care of I'd want him taken care of too!

On a more emotional (and possibly depressing) level, his job can be quite dangerous, we both take part in a (relatively) dangerous hobby and I can't stand thought that if anything happened to either of us we'd just be described as boyfriend/girlfriend/partners - nothing against anyone who is happy with these titles but I'm not.

I do have my own life but maybe I need to distance more. He says he loves me, sees us getting married one day but just won't seem to do anything about it now.

I could ask him but want him to ask me. I don't want to put him on the spot and when I've asked generally if he wants to get married soon he says no.

OP posts:
3teenhell · 16/08/2012 18:07

My DP forsn't want to marry. I think i want him so i have to suck it up. I wouldn't want to lose him over that

3teenhell · 16/08/2012 18:08
  • doesn't
Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 18:09

lisamed thank you, you're right - legals are least of it, think I hit out with that due to lost pride.. His attitude does really hurt me.

changelingz if a couple were married should everything still be left to the kids?? So if we've lived together for years, if anything happens to either of us everything should go to grown up children?? Sorry, just don't agree with that.

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 16/08/2012 18:12

Go here: forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=3283450

and have a read. You will find several people feeling as you do. Hope it helps, more use than anything I can say. Although, my DH was a bit slow on the uptake too Wink but we got there.

delilahlilah · 16/08/2012 18:13

oops thread

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 18:15

paula900 no I'm not happy because it feels to me that something must be missing from his feelings for me.

Thanks delilh

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 18:17

Blush delilah - she sounds like a more patient, better-natured version of me!!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/08/2012 18:22

I agree with TallHotBlonde:

"If you aren't his wife then don't act like one! Make the most of your freedom, take holidays with friends, build up your own life and separate off from him a little. It might make him realise he wants more or it might make you realise you don't want to get married after all!"

delilahlilah · 16/08/2012 18:28

Read on unhappy you will find many more ladies with less patience Wink

I also second TallHot Blonde and ImperialBlether and let him miss you a bit.

janelikesjam · 16/08/2012 18:30

Instead of getting angry, perhaps try looking at it this way .... (I am speaking as an outside observer Hmm

So, he doesn't want to marry you, or at least is ambivalent or non-enthusiastic. Whatever his reasons, does it matter what they are?

Time to move on IMO. Ifsomeone doesn't want something that you want in your relationship so fundamentally, it doesnt't make them "wrong" exactly, but you do obviously want different things.

p.s. if you genuinely decide to move on, he may realise what he is losing, propose, and then you will actually have more options and be in a stronger and more positive position in the relationship. And if he doesn't, well you will know you did the right thing.

janelikesjam · 16/08/2012 18:32

And I agree with others - live your own life, go on holiday with g/fs etc. If you are acting like his "wife" then why should he bother commiting to you more in any way.

janelikesjam · 16/08/2012 18:33

when I've asked generally if he wants to get married soon he says no.

Just seen that. Isn't that your answer, OP?

DontmindifIdo · 16/08/2012 18:35

I think you have to accept that he probably doesn't want to marry you, he sees no reason to give you more commitment, so you have to act based on that. I would sit him down calmly and say you want a straight answer, does he want to get married to you or not? You can accept not, but need to know as it's unfair to leave you excited about a possible proposal when that's not going to happen. If he says not then I would move out, not just threaten it, just do it - no arguments, just do it.

however, if he makes out that he was going to ask you and now you've asked you've 'ruined it' so he won't, that's officially him being shit, he doesn't want to marry you but trying ot make it your fault that he doesn't. Run away if that's the case.

Victoria3012 · 16/08/2012 18:38

Why has he got to realise he wants to marry her ? Maybe he just doesn't want to get married. Op can throw as many tantrums as she likes but if he doesn't want to get married then he shouldn't do it.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 16/08/2012 18:39

divorce is devastating. when my husband proposed d to me it meant the absolute world because he had been through a horrendous divorce. most people take time to heal from such an experience - you are not being very understanding!

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