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Original poster

He doesn't want to marry and I do

174 replies

Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 15:32

Hi, I've NCd..

I feel really unhappy and angry and it's starting to affect my relationship. Partner and I have been together 4 years and I want to get married - he doesn't (or he says he thinks we will 'at some point' - I've been hearing this for 18 months)...

I just feel its excuses. When we met he was going through a divorce but he said he valued marriage and it was important to him to be married - at that point I was cynical about marriage and told him so (but nevertheless,his attitude attracted me). 18 months ago I realised my feelings had changed and suddenly he didn't want to! Said he was surprised at my change of attitude). But the he said we would at some point.. So i left it, didn't want to nag... Since then we've had a bust up every six months (when my feelings reached boiling point) interspersed by him making occasional general comments about getting married but not actually doing anything bout it! Eg on my birthday in March, he said 'so you'd like to get married at .... ' followed by a monologue from me about how I would and to get on with asking me as I'd like to do it next year etc etc', with him just listening to me and since then - nothing!

It's just blown up again as we're just back from a weekend away, somewhere he told me he wanted to take me on our first date, so knew if he was going to propose he'd do it then but there was no mention..

When it blew up at start of year, he said that I hadn't even sold my house yet. It sold in April (although i was really living with him before it sold) and nothing
said! Its like he's moving the goalposts.

I told him just to say he doesn't want to marry ME! Maybe childish, but he married the ex-wife after only 9 months of knowing each other 'because it felt so right, and what's the point in waiting'!!! So what does that say about me?

Just feel very angry and resentful, feel like he wants me to do things to help him (like a wife would) but doesn't think enough of me to marry me. As I said to him, would be different if he wasn't the marrying type (then I wouldn't take it personally) but i know he is! Also, the fact he's generally mentioned marriage during that time angers me - is it just an ego boost for him to get me talking about it? Or to appease me for a while?

He treats me well in every way,is generous and loving, one of the most balanced human beings I've ever met! But I can't stop myself feeling furious, like I've been rejected. As I said, I've mainly kept a lid on it for the last 18 months because I don't want to nag him into anything - it wouldn't mean anything then..

The anger and resentment is making the relationship really difficult and I can't shake it. Feel like I'm investing more into us, expected to help him out like a wife without that status. Feel like I've misread this relationship and now feel reluctant to invest in it to the same level.

Can I just say I do have feminist views, but don't see anything wrong with wanting to calling him my husband or wanting him to WANT me to be his wife. I've seen posters getting flamed on threads like this..

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 19/08/2012 20:07

Well if you want to plan as usual says and i have written before you could propose tomorrow. But you seem to have an aversion to this and yet also have an aversion to moving out and moving on in your life.

Helltotheno · 19/08/2012 20:17

But you seem to have an aversion to this and yet also have an aversion to moving out and moving on in your life.

Yeah that's it really. The situation won't resolve itself by you remaining a passive player in it. He's taking the piss out of you innit, talking about marriage to keep you interested, getting sex on tap, but underneath it all knowing he has no intention of marrying you. That's my read on it anyway. There's no point in saying 'He says blah', actions speak louder than words.

Take the bull by the horns. Give him an ultimatum: marriage or we're over.

DontmindifIdo · 19/08/2012 20:18

Unhappy - if he sees you getting married at some distant point, ask him directly to tell you what his reasons are for not getting it arranged in the next couple of years.

Why should he get to set the pace of this?

noddyholder · 19/08/2012 20:18

Well I think thats fine. It will change nothing apart from some legal stuff so I think you should enjoy the great relationship you have and stop worrying Smile. I think what he says is fair. You changed your mind

noddyholder · 19/08/2012 20:19

Marriage or we are over? Cringe.

Helltotheno · 19/08/2012 20:33

Yes noddy for me, hell would be freezing over before I'd make that comment but we're all different Grin
They're going out FOUR years, that's a long ass time so if the OP really wants marriage, that's the only option open to her if she doesn't want to waste these good years of her life waiting for something to happen when nothing will.

For me personally, if DH and I split or anything, I'd be more than happy with a relationship not featuring marriage but everyone's not the same.

DontmindifIdo · 19/08/2012 20:40

Why not give the ultimatum? What's wrong with saying "this is what i want, if you can't provide it, I'll go elsewhere, but i'm giving you the choice to offer me that before I walk away."

Why should the OP compromise what she wants when her DP won't? Or rather, what's wrong with forcing someone to say what they want, rather than just saying what they think their partner wants to hear?

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 19/08/2012 20:43

Novack I'm struggling to understand your obsession with me 'proposing'. I've asked him if he wants to marry me (soon) and he said no Why would I then go on to officially 'propose' to him? If it makes you happy, why don't we just consider that a 'proposal' of sorts.. So there, I've done it and he said no. Happy?

Thanks dontmind - that's another aspect that infuriates me. I'm not a passive person by any stretch of the imagination, quite the opposite, and don't appreciate being 'dictated' to!

Thanks Noddy - he is wonderful to me in every other way and I know he loves me. Just don't know how to get past this - feel very hurt.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 19/08/2012 20:43

But he sees it as a relationship of that seriousness so why does he have to decide a date for this now. The OP was cynical about marriage when they met but has changed. He sounds like he just doesn't want to be pushed.It is becoming an issue and he is digging his heels in I am a bit like that Grin so kind of get it. For 18 months he lived with someone who was cynical about marriage and maybe he came round to your way of thinking in that time. Now you want him to change again and he isn't ready.

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 19/08/2012 20:51

Thanks Noddy that's why I backed off 18 months ago.. But he's had a bit of time to come to terms with it now.. In fact pretty soon after I first brought it up 18 months ago he said we would get married..

One important thing, it's not in his nature to say something he doesn't mean. He doesnt normally just go for the easy life and that's what's upsetting and confusing me. Why say this stuff then do nothing about it.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 19/08/2012 20:51

Yes but OP you have to get past this, you really do. How do you see things playing out? You're feeling angry and hurt now so what are you going to do about making those feelings go away, because over time, those feelings won't be good for your general health.

Hence the ultimatum thing. You've pretty much asked him, he's said no. The next part really is down to you, it's either leave him or accept it.

stainesmassif · 19/08/2012 20:52

It's about what you want. You want to get married, soon, he doesn't and can't say when he will. You want to know that he wants marriage with you. He can't tell you.

You're effectively saying you've already made up your mind. If you stay together now, hoping he's going to change his mind, your existing resentment is going to grow and grow. I'd suggest a break for you both to think about what you really want.

noddyholder · 19/08/2012 20:54

I don't want to sound harsh because I can tell you are upset but I think you need to back off a little bit before it becomes huge and destroys the great life you have. He fell in love with someone who wasn't marriage focussed so maybe chill out and stop making it the be all and end all. FWIW I think it sounds like you will get married it has just become a bit of a pita atm

usualsuspect · 19/08/2012 20:55

Whats more important to you, being in a relationship with him or marriage?

Because getting married won't make a blind bit of difference to your relationship.

Helltotheno · 19/08/2012 21:02

Well in legal terms, it does of course, but OP seems to want that (that's one of the reasons I wouldn't want it in a second relationship).

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 19/08/2012 21:03

Thanks all. I need to get over it. I think it's not so much about being married now, it's about resentment and hurt that he doesn't want to marry me after being all for marriage. Trouble is I've kept a lid on it for 18 months (just about!) and it's getting harder to do so. Little things bring it up to the surface and I just have to try and push it back down - if I can't do that we need to split Sad and I don't want that.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 19/08/2012 21:05

I think you'd probably find it a lot easier to accept a 'just living together' if you knew that was the total level of commitment he wants. Its the hinting at more and not being clear, especially when he knows you want marriage. It's unfair to dangle that over you. Particularly as he's relying on you putting your money into the house purchase - he's asking you to financially commit, but won't discuss emotional commitment like a grown up, as in "I want this" or "I'm sorry, I know you want marriage, but I dont want that."

Quite frankly, i'd be putting a time frame on it of before you put your money into the deposit for the house - you need a clear answer, either he's asked before then, or told you that he does'nt want to marry you. Then at least you can make your decision.

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 19/08/2012 21:17

Thanks dontmindifido you've hit the nail on the head - its the keeping thinking we are progressing towards it then it turns out we're not. But he's adamant does want to at some point. But as has been said on here tonight, actions speak louder than words, so I'm taking it as a 'no' from now on..

The deposit bit doesn't sound great but tbh he's helped me out with more money over the last 4 years than I'd be putting down as deposit (was left with debt after a previous relationship ended and only cleared my feet once my house sold) and he is still very generous with me..

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 19/08/2012 21:38

Don'tmind has put her absolute finger on it, and THIS is why Unhappy should listen to her unhappiness:

Particularly as he's relying on you putting your money into the house purchase - he's asking you to financially commit, but won't discuss emotional commitment like a grown up, as in "I want this" or "I'm sorry, I know you want marriage, but I dont want that."

Unhappy, don't do it! Don't! Please listen to your inner voice, and not all the right-ons blah blah-ing, it is telling you something!

In fact, I have a challenge for you: learn to be happy with your own company. Men might not understand love the way we do, but they sure do understand respect.

Leave him. If he cares about you enough? His actions will speak. I think he has got stuff on tap, and has no incentive to change.

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 19/08/2012 21:49

Thanks abitwobbly I hear what you're saying and it does ring true to a degree. I can't leave him at the moment over it although if resentment continues it'll poison things.

To be fair to him, he's the one who does want to talk things through and that's when he says he does want to marry at some point. I'm the one who gets upset and doesn't want to talk. All I hear is 'I don't want to marry you now' and that's me off! I haven't straight out asked him when as I'm worried what the answer will be. And I'm worried I'll think it's another fob off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappy73 · 19/08/2012 21:50

Ps you're right abut learning to be happy in my own company. I will be working towards that!

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 19/08/2012 21:52

If he knows you really don't want to split, then he will know he can carry on being vague and not actually doing anything about it.

Some people want to marry and others are not at all bothered. But my view is always that if one partner does and the other doesn't, then the 'not bothered' person should cave - because if it's 'just a piece of paper' then why object? If it's meaningless to you, but the person you love really wants to do it, then why not do this meaningless thing because while you're not bothered, you love them and you know it'll make them happy?

The alternative, of course, is that they have a serious problem with commitment in general or commitment to you. Either of those presents a major problem for people who feel as the OP does.

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 19/08/2012 21:58

Thanks eightieschick I agree! Grin I wouldn't care so muh if he just didn't want to marry in general, but do care that he doesn't want to marry me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappy73 · 19/08/2012 22:02

I really need to NC back soon, this username makes me feel even worse! Sad

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 20/08/2012 14:18

he says he does want to marry at some point - this is interesting, the next question is "when" because "at some point" could be "never" - if he wants to marry you, he wants to marry you, why not get engaged now? If he wants to wait 2 years to save up, then fine, engagement now, set the date and start saving. It's not like you are both 18 and want to finish uni and get jobs first, if he wants to get married, there is no particular reason to wait - what are you waiting for?

Weddings don't have to be huge or take up your whole life to do there's no reason why wedding planning and house hunting couldn't be happening over the same period in your life unless you are going to be a total bridezilla, then stalling makes sense - you could get married straight away, if he's made the decision he wants to marry you, then there's not reason to delay (if you're prepared to have a small-ish wedding so don't need to save), on the other hand, if he's not decided either way, he needs to know he's not got 20 years to umm and ahh about it. Then again, if he's made the decision he doesn't want to marry you, he has no right to keep that from you.