Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't want to marry and I do

174 replies

Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 15:32

Hi, I've NCd..

I feel really unhappy and angry and it's starting to affect my relationship. Partner and I have been together 4 years and I want to get married - he doesn't (or he says he thinks we will 'at some point' - I've been hearing this for 18 months)...

I just feel its excuses. When we met he was going through a divorce but he said he valued marriage and it was important to him to be married - at that point I was cynical about marriage and told him so (but nevertheless,his attitude attracted me). 18 months ago I realised my feelings had changed and suddenly he didn't want to! Said he was surprised at my change of attitude). But the he said we would at some point.. So i left it, didn't want to nag... Since then we've had a bust up every six months (when my feelings reached boiling point) interspersed by him making occasional general comments about getting married but not actually doing anything bout it! Eg on my birthday in March, he said 'so you'd like to get married at .... ' followed by a monologue from me about how I would and to get on with asking me as I'd like to do it next year etc etc', with him just listening to me and since then - nothing!

It's just blown up again as we're just back from a weekend away, somewhere he told me he wanted to take me on our first date, so knew if he was going to propose he'd do it then but there was no mention..

When it blew up at start of year, he said that I hadn't even sold my house yet. It sold in April (although i was really living with him before it sold) and nothing
said! Its like he's moving the goalposts.

I told him just to say he doesn't want to marry ME! Maybe childish, but he married the ex-wife after only 9 months of knowing each other 'because it felt so right, and what's the point in waiting'!!! So what does that say about me?

Just feel very angry and resentful, feel like he wants me to do things to help him (like a wife would) but doesn't think enough of me to marry me. As I said to him, would be different if he wasn't the marrying type (then I wouldn't take it personally) but i know he is! Also, the fact he's generally mentioned marriage during that time angers me - is it just an ego boost for him to get me talking about it? Or to appease me for a while?

He treats me well in every way,is generous and loving, one of the most balanced human beings I've ever met! But I can't stop myself feeling furious, like I've been rejected. As I said, I've mainly kept a lid on it for the last 18 months because I don't want to nag him into anything - it wouldn't mean anything then..

The anger and resentment is making the relationship really difficult and I can't shake it. Feel like I'm investing more into us, expected to help him out like a wife without that status. Feel like I've misread this relationship and now feel reluctant to invest in it to the same level.

Can I just say I do have feminist views, but don't see anything wrong with wanting to calling him my husband or wanting him to WANT me to be his wife. I've seen posters getting flamed on threads like this..

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
mouldyironingboard · 16/08/2012 19:25

Sorry to say but this could be a dealbreaker. Some years ago, I ended a relationship for this reason and within a few months he'd met someone else. They got married within a year and I realised (after counselling) that we had never been right for each other in the first place. I met my lovely DH a year later.

I believe that you have to be prepared to walk away if he can't commit to you. The only way to find out if he cares enough about you is to break up with him and insist on no contact for a few months. He's a fool if he lets you leave but it means that you won't waste any more time on a relationship that is going nowhere and can meet someone who really does want to marry you. You deserve better.

NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 19:28

NOt getting married and him not loving you are two different things entirely and no where have you written that he does not love you. The only thing seems to be your need for a piece of paper and forcing him to be a spouse instead of boyfriend. Curiously the word spouse is related to the Spanish for handcuff.

xkittyx · 16/08/2012 19:36

Novack, you're quite harsh and confrontational, the OP didn't post this in AIBU, there's no need to wade in like you're doing.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 20:01

Novack, the point is though, he didn't say he never wanted to marry - if he did then she wouldn't be forcing him but probably just wouldn't moved in with him or continued the r-ship. He may be fond of her, but you don't know whether he loves her.
I agree with mouldy that if you leave, OP, you will find out whether his feeling are strong, he can always come after you or not let you leave. who wants 'fondness'; it's very hurtful.

NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 20:06

He didn't have to say he was going to get married though did he!! He has not said move out to the op, or it's over, or anything bad or that he is not in love with her. If she wants a wedding then she can pop the question if she is unsure of his answer. But we know he does not want to get married so he will be doing no asking. That will be down to her if anyone at all it appears and to be honest if it means 18 months of feeling hurt to her then I cannot fathon why she has not asked him by now.

The op has not said anywhere that her boyfriend is not loving and kind and caring. So if she wants to get married then ask. Simple

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 20:11

Thanks xkitty and likeatonneofbricks and everyone else who's posted. I guess at the end of the day it's whether I can live with it or not.. Jut feel hurt and I do take it very personally. Otherwise he's amazing and I know I'm lucky to have him but its hard if you think they don't love you as much..

OP posts:
motherinferior · 16/08/2012 20:13

Sort out your will(s) separately and then think about the marriage issue.

FWIW I would be very upset if Mr Inferior left me just because I decline his repeated offers of marriage. But it probably wouldn't blackmail me into marrying him, and even if it did I would seethe with inner resentment andpoisonhim-.

NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 20:14

And you still haven't answered why you have not asked him??

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 20:19

I think what's made it worse though is his occasional mention of it though! If he'd just left it at 'no' 18 months ago I'd have been reconciled by now bit he's kept mentioning it every so often. For example, we were doing something at accountant's a couple of months ago and he asked accountant if what we were doing would still be ok if things changed, eg if we got married! It's things like this that lead me to think we're heading in same direction until I get the next big fat 'no'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 20:22

Novack I answered you in my post at 19:21.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 20:22

Because I know he doesn't want to so the answer is 'no'!

OP posts:
xkittyx · 16/08/2012 20:24

Unhappy, I can completely sympathise with how you feel. I was ready to be married before he was, and the conversation went really badly. It really, REALLY hurt. And I only had it for a couple of months before he got his head round the idea and proposed.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married, although for some reason people seem to get slated for wanting it, a bit, in the way they wouldn't for, say, wanting a baby.
I can also see how in your case it would be even more hurtful that this is something he's done with someone else, before, and I can see why that tactless comment stuck in your head.
I really wish you all the best - is there any way you can have a proper, open conversation with him about it?

Leverette · 16/08/2012 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Imsosorryalan · 16/08/2012 20:29

I was with dh for 10 years before he proposed and it was a complete surprise!
Sometimes I think, the more you push, the further away they go.
If you have a good rel. normally I would be inclined to just get on with life together IF he does want to spend the rest of his life with you that is! That is the question you should be asking and not about marriage.

AlmostAHipster · 16/08/2012 20:39

Unhappy - I know what you're going through and it's very hard to feel so rejected.

I've been married and divorced twice. Looking back, I can see that both times it was me who was the driving force behind getting married - both of my husbands wanted to, just not as much as I did. I felt that I needed the validation and status of marriage. However, once married, both men displayed their resentment of me in pretty shocking behaviour which was justified by such comments as 'You knew what I was like when you married me'. So both marriages were ended by me when I couldn't take their shit anymore.

I guess I've learned my lesson the hard way and I certainly won't be getting married again unless I'm 79 and have been begged by a man for 30 years!

So my advice would be to take a deep breath, work out in your own mind if you can live with him trundling along at his own pace or not - or even if you can live happily without him. He sounds like a decent bloke from what you've said and marriage isn't always the happy ending.

Best of luck.

lizbee156 · 16/08/2012 20:40

This happened to me some years ago.
We met he was keen to get married then when i said 'oh go on then' he refused, over time it became the elephant in the room.
Eventually I left, I haven't regretted it for one minute, with hindsight I could see my wanting to marry him was giving him security and power and he began using it against me in subtle ways.
He did propose when I'd left him but he was too late then.
'If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it'.

solidgoldbrass · 16/08/2012 20:46

THe more you post the more I think he is using 'marriage' as a doggy treat and his behaviour is actually quite manipulative. Being able to withold something he knows you really want gives him power over you.

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 20:58

Thanks all. xkittyx we've talked and he says he 'sees us getting married and has never said he doesn't want to '!! He just won't do anything about it! And as far as I'm concerned actions spek louder than words. I get what some of you are saying about control - I've just never known him to play games. Maybe he just can't make up his own mind!

OP posts:
xkittyx · 16/08/2012 21:14

Have you guys talked, or have you asked, about timescales, and have you asked him why he doesn't want to do so yet? Are you just getting the "not ready yet" response?

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 21:46

xkittyx Now he wants to have bought a house first.. Hmm But due to being self-employed and another couple of issues we can't get a mortgage yet and not sure when we'll be able to. But tbh, I think then it would be 'after something else'.. As prior to this it was 'but you've not even sold your house yet' which I did 4 months ago..

OP posts:
EdgarOlymPic · 17/08/2012 09:17

then you have your answer. - No, he isn't going to marry you in the forseeable.

in this situation, you'll get people posting who -

walk away and never look back
left their DP, only to have that DP marry someone else in short order
stay, and get married eventually
stay, remain unmarried indefinitely but happily
stay, to get dumped themselves in the end...

EdgarOlymPic · 17/08/2012 09:18

you need to work out which one you are most likely to be....

amillionyears · 17/08/2012 10:03

I think if I were you I would think about how much you love him out of 10.0 being zero,and 10 being totally.
Then I would ask him,when he is in a calm mood.But give him time to think about it.
It is a bit of a scary thing to do,but you will know a bit better where you stand.

DontmindifIdo · 17/08/2012 12:07

I personally wouldn't buy a house with this man, to me it sounds like he's stalling on the marriage question until it's a bit late for you to just walk away. The buying a house together when it would be impossible for him to get a mortgage on his own seems to be setting off alarm bells, if you aren't married and then break up, and he doesn't want to sell the house, it could get messy to get your money back.

I would put my money from the sale of my house into buying a property of my own. Purely of my own - you could continue to date him, but if marriage really is a "must have" not a "nice to have" for you, then I'd refuse to move back in with him until you are at least engaged. You will get other people saying that this is manipulative, but in my mind, it's exactly what he's doing, he's decided what level of commitment is acceptable to him in this relationship and he's offering only that or leaving him. Actually, what he's doing is worst, it seems he's decided on the level of commitment he's prepared to give, knowing that the op wants more so he's pretending that's an option in order to stop her seeing the straight choice is between accepting this or leaving.

Helltotheno · 17/08/2012 12:08

OP if marriage is not in you and this guy's future but you're not prepared to split up with him, you absolutely need to re-categorise this relationship in your head.

Firstly, under no circumstances should you be pooling finances in any way. Reverse that situation and take control of your own finances again, i.e. ditch any joint accounting you're doing, buy him out of what you bought together, take back any money that came from assets belonging to you.

Secondly, start living your own life and reduce the time you spend with him. Don't include him in that part of your life. As others have said, take up with friends, go on hols with them, do other hobbies that don't involve him.

Thirdly, if you decide to live with him, which I don't think you should, make sure it's a rented place and you're paying equally.

After doing all that, I'm sure the relationship will play one way or the other.

You're with this guy 4 years and your relationship is defined by you having a buildup of negativity followed by an outburst every few months cos he won't put a ring on it. A lot of your life, in other words, is taken up by negativity. How would you advise anyone else in that situation? You've got a short life hon, and this is seriously no way to be living it.