He doesn't want to marry and I do

[Unhappy73]

Hi, I've NCd..

I feel really unhappy and angry and it's starting to affect my relationship. Partner and I have been together 4 years and I want to get married - he doesn't (or he says he thinks we will 'at some point' - I've been hearing this for 18 months)...

I just feel its excuses. When we met he was going through a divorce but he said he valued marriage and it was important to him to be married - at that point I was cynical about marriage and told him so (but nevertheless,his attitude attracted me). 18 months ago I realised my feelings had changed and suddenly he didn't want to! Said he was surprised at my change of attitude). But the he said we would at some point.. So i left it, didn't want to nag... Since then we've had a bust up every six months (when my feelings reached boiling point) interspersed by him making occasional general comments about getting married but not actually doing anything bout it! Eg on my birthday in March, he said 'so you'd like to get married at .... ' followed by a monologue from me about how I would and to get on with asking me as I'd like to do it next year etc etc', with him just listening to me and since then - nothing!

It's just blown up again as we're just back from a weekend away, somewhere he told me he wanted to take me on our first date, so knew if he was going to propose he'd do it then but there was no mention..

When it blew up at start of year, he said that I hadn't even sold my house yet. It sold in April (although i was really living with him before it sold) and nothing
said! Its like he's moving the goalposts.

I told him just to say he doesn't want to marry ME! Maybe childish, but he married the ex-wife after only 9 months of knowing each other 'because it felt so right, and what's the point in waiting'!!! So what does that say about me?

Just feel very angry and resentful, feel like he wants me to do things to help him (like a wife would) but doesn't think enough of me to marry me. As I said to him, would be different if he wasn't the marrying type (then I wouldn't take it personally) but i know he is! Also, the fact he's generally mentioned marriage during that time angers me - is it just an ego boost for him to get me talking about it? Or to appease me for a while?

He treats me well in every way,is generous and loving, one of the most balanced human beings I've ever met! But I can't stop myself feeling furious, like I've been rejected. As I said, I've mainly kept a lid on it for the last 18 months because I don't want to nag him into anything - it wouldn't mean anything then..

The anger and resentment is making the relationship really difficult and I can't shake it. Feel like I'm investing more into us, expected to help him out like a wife without that status. Feel like I've misread this relationship and now feel reluctant to invest in it to the same level.

Can I just say I do have feminist views, but don't see anything wrong with wanting to calling him my husband or wanting him to WANT me to be his wife. I've seen posters getting flamed on threads like this..

Thanks for listening.

Thanks all. Actually, it would be him getting the mortgage (I have poor credit rating that will take longer to sort out) but I'd be paying deposit. But that probably makes it even worse.

I don't think he's deliberately string me along but what do I know. He really is the most fantastic partner in every other way, I can't fault him.

Hey ho. Maybe I feel sorry for both of us. Feel sorry for me being with someone who wants to marry just doesn't appear to want to marry me and feel sorry for him because he does want to marry but isn't with someone he feels he wants to.

Thanks again, appreciate everyone taking the time to post.

As a technical point
motherinferior Thu 16-Aug-12 20:13:08
Sort out your will(s) separately and then think about the marriage issue.

If you are going to do this, do so carefully with proper legal advice.
Unless the will is written in contemplation of marriage it will automatically become void on marriage, see
www.hmrc.gov.uk/manuals/ihtmanual/ihtm12074.htm

I think it's possible that he regards you as 'will do for now' but wants to keep his options open in case Angelie Jolie or whoever suddenly finds herself available. So he doesn't want you to leave him, because then he'd have to cook his own tea and suck his own dick, but nor does he really see himself growing old with you.

You shouldn't feel sorry for him at all. He's getting the relationship he wants; let's face it, if he wanted to marry that badly and felt you weren't the one, I'd like to think he would've taken the initiative and dumped you to find someone who was.

You say he married very quickly the first time - there's a possibility he feels that she was The One and that it isn't really possible to have another One (I don't mean he's still into her).

Don't underrate yourself - he's the lucky one!

Good luck :)

People can be in committed relationships without getting married.

Abolutely, but that's not relevant: she wants to get married.

Fair enough,I'm just pointing out that him not wanting to get married doesn't mean hes not committed to her.

And I hate all this he won't put a ring on it bollocks.

I do too but like it or not, that's what OP wants!!

The biggest issue imo is financial. Commitment w/o marriage is absolutely fine but both better be sure they have things watertight financially.

Oh dear lord, you will be putting the deposit in on a house that will be mortgaged in his name? No no no. Keep your money separately.

If you have a poor credit rating, invest that money elsewhere (take some financial advice, property isn't the only investment opportunity for you). You need to be financially separate - he can't have it both ways, if he wants you to be a single financial unit (ie, you hand over your money so he can get a mortgage with a decent rate) then you need to be a legal unit.

Yes, yes, lots of people are finanical not legal units - and that works fine for them, but you don't want this, so why should you?

If you split up after handing over the money, realistically, could he ever give you that back? If you aren't married, it'll be hard to get that back. Keep your money to yourself.

I also would take a step back and move out even if you don't think he's stringing you along, but doesn't want to marry. At the moment, you might be saying it's important to you to get married, having an argument now and then, but then accepting his level of commitment. He doesn't have to make the choice, because you aren't forcing his hand.

So distance yourself, financially and physically. If he wants to just date you, fine, but he can clean his own toilet. You aren't making it clear now that it's important to you. Your actions say "Now and then, I think I'd like to get married, but for the majority of the time i'm happy like this". If you move out and start planning your life without him (holidaying with other friends, not always just being there), he will see what he's missing. he might decide he prefers not to marry you, but then if that's the case it's likely he'd come to that conclusion at some point anyway, this way you won't be starting again from scratch.

I would look at what kind of man he was, whether I wanted to be with him TBH.

I wouldn't start playing games or giving him ultimatums,unless being married is more important to you than your actual relationship.

Unhappy you are getting some quite staggeringly childish and naive 'advice' here. Brat, sparkler, 'Piece of paper' not wanting to get married doesn't mean commitment FFS.

Listen: bottom line, your unhappiness is your inner self telling you something.
Listen very, very, very carefully to that little inner voice of authenticity that is signalling a warning to you to protect yourself. Emotionally, financially and self-esteem wise.

I think the person who says 'he is just not that into you' is on to something. MN seems to overlook the capacity of a man to separate his emotions from what is convenient for him. A man quite happily shag someone, accept their care and housework, and say 'I love you'/give some flowers every now and again to keep them sweet, whilst feeling quite separate from that person.

If I were you? Stop talking to Mumsnet - at least, taking them seriously (Helltotheno excepted) - and go to counselling so you can work out exactly how your current reality is not fitting in with your hopes and dreams.

He's not for you, Unhappy. My advice is to move on and find someone who sees marrying you as a privilege and not something to be avoided.

I agree with DMIID...I would crystallise this situation and see what he does then. You don't want still to be here in 10 years' time. Well - I wouldn't.

Without ending it, I would move out and say that although you're not ending it, things are not apparently going anywhere and you need to recover your independence because you may be needing it.

Whether he shrugs and lets you go, or rethinks, you need to know this now.

also think Abitwobblynow is right, in that he can quite easily care very little about you while maintaining all appearances to the contrary.

For all you know he just CBA to end it and will be relieved when you do. I'd wnat to surface this sooner rather than later...

Maybe subconsciously he was pleased when you initially said you were cynical about marriage and deep down he is too? I have never wanted to get married and dp did ask me as he felt it was 'the next step' and even though it wasn't for me we are still together 21 years later and are happier than ever. But you need to work out what it is about marriage that appeals and see if you can live without that 'thing'.

Thanks all and yes noddy maybe he was..

It might not be about you though he may not want to marry anyone. I think its a shame to throw it all away for this

I don't think it is playing games to move out or issue ultimatums, it's saying "this is the sort of relationship I want." at the moment, he isn't saying what sort of relationship he wants, he's hinting at marriage and holding it as a possibliity without actually doing anything about it. If he does want marriage, then forcing him to actually get on with it isn't a bad thing, if he doesn't want marriage, then forcing him to admit he was just hinting that it's possible to keep the OP happy is also not a bad thing.

Making him see it does actually matter to the OP is the best option, because if he doesn't want to marry her, then she can plan for that and make her decisions based on fact, at the moment, she's in limbo, trying to do whatever next is the 'thing that as to happen to get the proposal', without actually knowing if that's ever going to happen.

At the beginning of the relationship, your partner talked about marriage because he was probably scared of losing you. He now believes that you are not going anywhere, so he basically can't be arsed to get married.
I think that you are coming across as slightly desperate and desperation is not attractive. If i were you i would stop talking about marriage and get on with your life, go on holiday with friends etc. If he sees that you are confident and content, he may just decide to propose to you. However, he may just not want to marry you.

I don't think you should play games to prompt a proposal just be yourself. Holidays with friends etc will change nothing it is just a game. Talk

Thanks all. I've tried not to look desperate, in between our six monthly 'chats' on the subject I've not even mentioned marriage apart from when he's brought the subject up. In fact, when I mentioned it recently he said he was surprised! Wtf. Either he was genuinely surprised or as I thought, trying to worm his way out of it.. Just feels a bit like he's been stringing me along tbh and that really makes me feel angry.

I just can hardly be civil to him, feel really hurt and very annoyed. Don't know what to do.

I think he just feels hassled and is probably planning to marry you in his own time. He would have said he wasn't interested in marriage at the beginning when you expressed reservations you would have seemed a kindred spirit to someone not interested in marriage. BUT he didn't he has spoken about it but is just spooked because you have mentioned it. I would relax and talk to him seriously but casually. Tell him how you feel without ultimatums

If you can't be civil to him then maybe you should move out and give him space and if he is interested then he will come find you. If not, the you have your definitive answer. I doubt a man wants to live with someone who is not civil to him.

Do women really still wait for a proposal?

usualsuspect I'm not 'waiting for a proposal' - I want to plan to get married soon(ish), he doesn't. Not getting involved in the usual boring debate on threads like this about the 'pathetic/impotent woman waiting on a proposal!

Novack I'm being civil, just finding it hard! Not because he won't marry, because he's kept mentioning it, putting fuel on the flames if you like, with no intention of actually doing it!

Noddy he says he sees us getting married and has never said he doesn't jut not now.