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Original poster

He doesn't want to marry and I do

174 replies

Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 15:32

Hi, I've NCd..

I feel really unhappy and angry and it's starting to affect my relationship. Partner and I have been together 4 years and I want to get married - he doesn't (or he says he thinks we will 'at some point' - I've been hearing this for 18 months)...

I just feel its excuses. When we met he was going through a divorce but he said he valued marriage and it was important to him to be married - at that point I was cynical about marriage and told him so (but nevertheless,his attitude attracted me). 18 months ago I realised my feelings had changed and suddenly he didn't want to! Said he was surprised at my change of attitude). But the he said we would at some point.. So i left it, didn't want to nag... Since then we've had a bust up every six months (when my feelings reached boiling point) interspersed by him making occasional general comments about getting married but not actually doing anything bout it! Eg on my birthday in March, he said 'so you'd like to get married at .... ' followed by a monologue from me about how I would and to get on with asking me as I'd like to do it next year etc etc', with him just listening to me and since then - nothing!

It's just blown up again as we're just back from a weekend away, somewhere he told me he wanted to take me on our first date, so knew if he was going to propose he'd do it then but there was no mention..

When it blew up at start of year, he said that I hadn't even sold my house yet. It sold in April (although i was really living with him before it sold) and nothing
said! Its like he's moving the goalposts.

I told him just to say he doesn't want to marry ME! Maybe childish, but he married the ex-wife after only 9 months of knowing each other 'because it felt so right, and what's the point in waiting'!!! So what does that say about me?

Just feel very angry and resentful, feel like he wants me to do things to help him (like a wife would) but doesn't think enough of me to marry me. As I said to him, would be different if he wasn't the marrying type (then I wouldn't take it personally) but i know he is! Also, the fact he's generally mentioned marriage during that time angers me - is it just an ego boost for him to get me talking about it? Or to appease me for a while?

He treats me well in every way,is generous and loving, one of the most balanced human beings I've ever met! But I can't stop myself feeling furious, like I've been rejected. As I said, I've mainly kept a lid on it for the last 18 months because I don't want to nag him into anything - it wouldn't mean anything then..

The anger and resentment is making the relationship really difficult and I can't shake it. Feel like I'm investing more into us, expected to help him out like a wife without that status. Feel like I've misread this relationship and now feel reluctant to invest in it to the same level.

Can I just say I do have feminist views, but don't see anything wrong with wanting to calling him my husband or wanting him to WANT me to be his wife. I've seen posters getting flamed on threads like this..

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 18:42

If you want answer again since it seems you've already had our answer it's very easy for you to sit across the table and say "Will you marry me?" to him. It is not his job to ask a question he has no desire to ask. It's you that wants the answer so you need to do the questioning.

As for wanting your grown up daughter taken care of??? By whom. I assume that is not his daughter then since you say you have only been together a few years. In which case you should not be expecting him to take care of her financially in any way. That is her fathers and your responsibility, not your boyfriends unless he wants to adopt her.

henrysmama2012 · 16/08/2012 18:46

Can I just say that wanting to get married to the man you love is not anti-feminist!!

Victoria3012 · 16/08/2012 18:51

Wanting to marry the man you love is great but pressuring him into making a decision/getting married is unreasonable. If this was the other way around and he was acting/saying/doing the same things as the op everyone would be up in arms saying he is a control freak/red flags/ leave the bastard etc.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:03

Novack you misunderstood - OP said that she wants her will to include both her DD and him, not just her DD! same as his will would include her as well as his child.

solidgoldbrass · 16/08/2012 19:05

Thing is, marriage is actually rather more for men's benefit than women's. That's what it was designed to be - a way for men to ensure ownership of women and their offspring.

It's possible that, having had one divorce, the OP's man is simply reluctant to marry as he has gone sour on the whole concept, which is fair enough. But it could also be that he's one of these men who doesn't mind much either way but knows that the OP's desperation to be married is something he can use as a training method ie he can dangle the possibility of The Proposal like a doggy treat without ever actually giving it - a hint that it's on the way will have her piddling on the floor in excitement and running round doing whatever he asks; any disobedience or non-co-operation from her and he can do the 'I was going to Propose and now you've ruined it' by way of a punishment.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:06

OP, I really don't like how he moved the goalposts either! telling you to seel a house(pretty much) so that you commit, and then when you did and moved in with him and doing all the looking after him like a wife, he suddenly doesn't feel the need. Manipulative or what? It's difficult situation as you could move out and comtinue r-ship but it's faff as you aer both renting and under contract. You could just distance by being out a lot, you have a right to your feelings if he complains, just say you feel like distancing as you feel he moved goalposts and you can't help feeling rejected, spell it out, why not.

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 19:06

Novackngood - I meant I wanted my daughter taken care of if anything happened to me!!! With the money I leave!

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 19:07

Why?? Her child is grown up. Seems this is not about love or she would have popped the question if it was an issue for her to be married. Seems to be everything about wanting to inherit.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:09

sgb - marriage is very much to a woman's benefit if she wants many children and isn't interested in working, and wants to be supported by a working/solvent husband, nothing wrong with that either. Whatever suits a particular couple.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:10

Novack - but she equally wants her P to inherit part of HER money.

NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 19:12

SOO what she does with her money is her choice A piece of paper of a marriage certificate makes no difference to that does it. She could leave it to the cats home if she likes.

Victoria3012 · 16/08/2012 19:13

But she can arrange a will and leave him her money without getting married. They could have a cohabitation contract.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:13

and not her dd inheriting from her P! her dd would inherit LESS because her P would be in the will too.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:14

well that's why she did mention wills to him, as if they were married it would be automatic, but as it is they have to bother with wills.

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 19:16

No Vackngood - it was YOU who said everything should go to next of Kim which is family?? I was pointing out that I had my family taken care of. Jeez.

OP posts:
Victoria3012 · 16/08/2012 19:16

Either way she can sort out all her financial arrangements with a will and as a couple they could have a cohabitation contract prepared and all this is sorted out without having to get married.

NovackNGood · 16/08/2012 19:17

So why have you not popped the question then??

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 19:19

*kin

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:19

Victoria, I have an unrelated question (if you have knowledge on wills) - if a couple co habit and incude each other in will could the children demand more on death of their parent if hte r-ship was short (so they feel they aer entitled to more than was left to them)? there were many contested wills by children of risch men.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:20

*as they feel

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 19:21

Clue is in the thread title - I already know he doesn't want to!!! I was wanting advice more in how to deal with that. I quite clearly know he doesn't want to (any time soon if ever) and I've alluded to that in subsequent posts.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:22

Op so how do you feel or moving out or at least being out much more so that he doesn'r feel that you ar 'just there'? if he feels you are having doubts he may stop feeling too settled already (=lazy).

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 19:22

I wish I'd never mentioned the bloody will as this seems to have been latched onto. It's the FEELINGS or lack thereof that I've found upsetting.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 19:23

*about , not 'or'

Original poster
Unhappy73 · 16/08/2012 19:25

Thanks likeatonneofbricks I actually think this will happen naturally as I feel less close to him as a result of all this. Feel I misjudged the seriousness of this relationship. If he'd said he never wanted to get married fair enough, but he said he did, so that means he just doesn't want to marry me. That's the point here, not wills, nothing else.

OP posts: