Chutney Twunt pt 3

[LouP19]

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

[Plomino]

Words fail me . And that never happens. So, just to make sure I've got this right , he has an affair, whilst simultaneously lying to you through his teeth , and when both you and OW find out that you're pregnant , despite the fact that he has lied and lied and lied , he expects YOU to dig him out of the pit into which he had fallen , so as not to jeopardise his wonderful new relationship ?

WTAF ?

This Chutney wanker needs to be sectioned , that's how delusional he is . I agree with mathsanxiety . I sincerely hope and pray that all his chickens come home to roost . And then some . And FWIW , I too am like you . Myself and the DH got unreasonably excited the other day at the prospect of lunch at our local garden centre .

You are doing brilliantly well . So much more than I suspect many would . But remember one thing . YOU have all the power here . YOU . Not him , and he knows it , hence the petulant texts and demands . And you have the moral high ground too . Use it wisely , and I promise you , as one who was abandoned two days after getting her DF home from hospital , after visiting him there for Hours daily , for 6 whole months ( turned out I wasn't his only female visitor ) , that you'll be just fine . Honestly , and with a very untypical non mumsnetty hug .

[mathanxiety]

Right now he holds that little bit of power over her -- the fact that she doesn't know where he is and the fact that she only has his unreliable word that she is pregnant. I would find out where he is and if she is in fact pregnant to keep ahead of him and to know for the sake of my own sanity that he is not as clever as he thinks he is, bolting and hiding like a naughty child.

Certain facts need to be clarified. Finances need sorting. It is not stooping to any level to try to tie up what needs tying up and one important aspect of doing that is knowing where solicitors' letters should be addressed.

[mathanxiety]

There will always be wasted headspace until the facts are established.

[Chubfuddler]

Work will do. Perfectly acceptable, legally speaking.

[Kaloobear]

Lou I've just caught up on this thread and I am so angry on your behalf. What a completely fucking cruel bastarding pathetic excuse for a man. I told my DH what's happened to you and he said, quite seriously, that if a friend of his behaved like that he would 'punch his fucking lights out and then never speak to him again'. Do you know many of his friends? Do they know what he's done/doing? Do they know who the OW is? If I were you I'd be ringing everyone in your address book who knows him and telling them everything/getting information from them. No friend of his could possibly support what he's doing and I'm sure they're all devastated and would like to help you.

You are incredible by the way. The fact that you're upright and talking and thinking straight is a bloody miracle.

[AmayaBuzzbee]

Ladies, just had a thought. There is a possibility (even if slim) that OW could be in the ante-natal December thread. Or in the old March BFP thread.

She would be somebody with DP (rather than DH), who just moved in with their partner. Worth a little snoop?

[filthycute]

I've lurked Lou since the beginning of your thread, I have similar experience myself and have read with empathy all the way through, 14 year marriage, husband waked out as 'he felt he was having a breakdown' that turned out to be other woman who he had flown into uk set up home with and introduced to his family before actually leaving me. But this specimen of humanity you are dealing with makes my experience pale into the background What an absolute fucker of a knob holding twunt this man is, by god you are well rid of this wanker. God I can't express what a knob he is, you have been so strong and so classy through all this, you will come out the other side, and yo will marvel at how you let such a poor excuse for a human ever make you feel anything other that great about yourself. Good job he realised you were too good for him and fucked off smartish.

[SoDesperate]

I have been following developments and dont have anything useful to say apart from 'Bless You'!

I am sure that God has better plans for you than spending your life with 'ChutneyTwunt'... and as much as it is incredibly painful, it will get better.

He has given you the child you so desired and taken away your prat of a husband... It is entirely likely you will look back on this and see it as a blessing!

[MushroomSoup]

Just caught up, Lou, and I'm stunned.
There are truly no words to describe him. He is a twatbastard of the highest order.
Keep looking after yourself; you are the fabulous one.

[SoDesperate]

hey.... I met my incredibly manipulative and abusive 'D'H when i was 18.... I have had a life of gaslighting, and all kinds of abusive... oh mild enough, but bad enough... but I have spent 2 hours this evening with my very dear daughter who is my best friend, discussing all the lows, all the crap, the abuse, the embarrassment and we have laughed it all away!

I am not sure what point I am trying to make here :) and I have no desire to try to influence your thought process... But I really do wish you well!!!!!

[Rowanhart]

Surely there must be a mumsnetter living near by who can help rather than the cost if a PI?

Dd you say you lived Derby way LouP or did I up just imagine it.

I'm sure you are feeling a little inundated with advice here but other ways to find out are:

1. Can you get a copy of his phone bills?
   
2. any Facebook members in same department as DH you can trawl through to see if she features in friends' lists?
   
3. Do you still have itinery for Italy? Wonder if you could ring hotel for copy of bill. Might just have the other party's name on it. Could always pretend you are checking an expenses claim?
   
   Once you get a name it will be easy to find her.
   
   He really is a berk!

[Headagainstwall]

It just struck me that, just before he left, he asked for money from you for the holiday in September, and I was wondering what he has to say about that now, as clearly he had no intention of going on it.

But then I thought maybe I had you mixed up with someone else so I checked your first thread, here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1531140-please-please-help?pg=1&order=

I noticed in it you said you had sp

[Headagainstwall]

Sorry, hit post too soon! Tiny phone buttons.

I noticed in your first thread you said you had spoken to his parents and they were trying to contact him.

But in the next thread you said you hadn't been able to get hold of them? Confused...

[Rowanhart]

I think she poke to them and then couldn't get in touch with them again headagainstwall...

[Rowanhart]

Spoke to them!

[Headagainstwall]

Not trying to pick apart your story here! Just confused. You spoke to them, they called him but couldn't get hold of him, then they went on holiday?

[skyebluesapphire]

What has that got to do with anything?.........

[Athendof]

Lou, good to hear you have found a good solicitor, please listen to her words.
Years ago I dated a man who gave me the best piece of advice I have had: If you want to leave, leave but do leave at the time it suits YOU best.

I understand that his behaviour may drive you to want to sever every possible tie with him as soon as possible, but take your time, explore the options and file for divorce at the time that suits your own circumstances. Your solicitor can explain whether it is better to file for divorce now or wait until the arrangements for the care of children are sorted if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Remember, he is the one with pressing circumstances to get a divorce quick, not you. Personally being the bitch I am I would tell him I am filing for for divorce then drag my feet for another 6 weeks or for long enough to suit my case at court or even if it didn't suit it, just, to ensure he doesn't get the decree absolute before the OW's baby is born

[madamemax]

I am so so very sorry to read this latest, what a total cock!

Perhaps the other woman is from out of town, so had never been to his place? Just thinking about him taking chutney, cutlery, and so on. Might make sense if she moved to be with him and settle down, baby and all. He would have to keep up a pretence of clearing out his flat to move in with her and therefore take all kinds of crap with him. Probably irrelevant, but she could very well be totally and utterly in the dark about any of this. Which just further underlines what a total shit he has been, and continues to be. I agree that it is probably fear of the truth coming out that is driving his stupid and manipulative contact.

Have never been through anything like this, however I think you are behaving fantastically well. The occasional text is highly restrained, and entirely forgivable under the circumstances, many others would be screeching like harridans in the street.

Well done to you.

Others have said more eloquently before me, YOU are the only person who counts in all of this now. And your future, with or without baby.

I wish you all the luck in the world in making the right decisions for YOU.

[DumSpiroSpero]

So sorry to hear the latest developments - there are no words for him - I seriously cannot come up with anything offensive enough to describe this 'man' and his actions.

Look after yourself and think of yourself first and foremost in whatever decisions/actions you take - God knows you are doing a bloody amazing job so far.

[LouP19]

Hello, thank you all for your comments. I had my sausages and beans with cheese, and then went out shopping and bought some random crap like strawberry Angel Delight and another quiche and some almonds. And eggs, I'm eating a lot of eggs. Ironic that after all these years of trying, I am doing the atkins diet and losing a bit of weight.

Well well, my text to his sister was actually not a waste of time. Because they had NO idea. And so she then spoke to her parents, who also got the phone message from my Mum. They rang my Dad briefly earlier this evening and said, quite simply, they are in total shock and couldn't speak at that moment. My Dad said he sounded in complete shock. They are clearly appalled at the bastard. I then got a text from his sister that apologised on his behalf and said she was ashamed at how he had disrespected me and our marriage. So a minor victory there. And I've never been that close to his family, so it takes a lot for them to be 'shocked' at their wonderful son. So the pressure is mounting again.

I know it's probably a misdirection of energy, but I do want to find out where he's living and expose him. I won't stand at the door and scream at him, but somehow I'm convinced I am going to expose him. Every time I speak to him I always think how WISE I sound compared to him. When we spoke on the phone he didn't really sound that happy with her. I said 'Do you love her?' and he said 'She's very different to you, she wants to be with me'. And doesn't that comment just sum the idiot up?!! He said he went to live with her because he couldn't face telling me what he's done. So he has risked a 10 year relationship just because of his mammouth cowardice.

Still thinking getting 'accidently' pregnant a few weeks into an affair isn't an accident myself,........ so I doubt she's as entirely innocent in all this as he says. If she thought he was separated or not sleeping with me she probably saw it as a way to ramp up the speed of their relationship.

Anyway, stupid stupid bastard. I just don't know if I can take any more. I am astounding myself, but with every punch I get I actually feel a bit stronger (temporarily).

[droves]

.

What an utter bastard .

Lou take him for everything .

Get spousal support , name her as 3rd party in adultery , get his pension , get 60% of the house and maintenance for your baby . Stall that divorce so that ow has to give birth with him still married to you , ( start it under the 6 months rule : if you know about adultery after 6 months you can't divorce on those grounds ! ) .
I think he's probably not even told her he's married tbh .

Screw every penny out of the fucker .

If the ow thinks he's less of a catch with less cash then tuff titties , he should have thought about that before . Hit them in the wallet .

[LouP19]

When I say 'risked' a 10 year relationship, I should have said 'ended' a 10 year relationship. I do not see his behaviour as a 'risk' to our marriage, it has gone WAAAAAAAYYYY beyond that of course,......

[FrankelSaysRelax]

Stay angry Lou, but direct it 100% at Chutney and no one else. The OW is irrelevant in so far as to how you deal with him.

[madamemax]

Very glad to,read his parents are behind you. His ivory tower will tarnish fast when he cannot escape the horror he has inflicted on you.

Please don't blame the OW, not until you have the facts. OK she may be a knowing home-wrecking, pregnancy-trapping bitch. Equally she could be innocent and entirely in the dark. I would suspect the affair was going on for longer than he has admitted, so far, I have learned many things from reading Mumsnet, one is loud and clear: these bastard types will drip feed and admit the minimum they can for plausibility.

My point is, the OW simply doesn't matter. She is just a catalyst. What matters is how HE has behaved, and what HE has done, what HIS true colours have turned out to be. And on the back of that, what decisions you take and how you act to move forward in the best way for YOU.