Chutney Twunt pt 3

[LouP19]

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

Ja ja ja frankelsaysrelax

You do need to remind yourself that one explanation for his family not knowing is because it isn't true, Lou. Although there's clearly circumstantial evidence for it in terms of the dates tying up, the fact that he moved out lock, stock and [chutney] barrel, etc.

The circumstances of the conception aren't really relevant; for all we know she is a complete victim of this guy as well.

I would definitely get a PI on him; a friend of mine did that when the father of her baby refused to give her an address where she could serve papers on him to get child support sorted out. He basically shat his pants when he was served at home anyway.

Since he appears to be so desperate now for the divorce proceedings to start, clearly you must not do that but get all your ducks in a row. I'm confused by why he now wants the divorce when previously it didn't seem to have occurred to him that that would be the next step - unless the OW has found out he is married and demanding that he end it. And pronto.

Ok Lou , I'm going to suggest something here , you might not like it , but understand it will make your life easier in the long run , and you've got to play the long game here .

His family are shocked and disgusted by what he's done ( rightly so ) .

But he is still theirs . So be wise and tell them only facts .

Do not go to them in anger . The reason being if you decide to continue with your pg , you would be better having them " on side" .

I remember when, not long ago, I found out about my partner's OW. For a time I was obsessed with all the details of their time together. My first question was "who is she?"

I felt a compulsive need to know as much about her as possible, I know it was irrational, but knowing that, did not prevent the urgent need to discover as much as I could. At least then I could explain some of his previously incomprehensible behaviour. And I could start rebuilding "me" again, and she became less of a threat, although she had contributed to the total collapse of my life.

In the end I don't think I ever got all the answers I needed, and some of the answers I did get were lies, but just asking the questions, even writing them down, was cathartic.

So I can understand how Lou feels now, and she may even be able to use this information to benefit her own case.

I don't want to sound like I'm supporting OW but we don't actually know when the relationship started. First he said April, then it became clear that wasn't true.

He's now conveniently rounded up the start of the rel to when she would have become pregnant. Possibly because that is the latest he can get away with confessing. It sounds suspicious that she got pregnant immediately at the start of their relationship.

You said he said last year he'd changed his mind about having a baby. Could he have actually started the relationship with her back then?

Like others have said, HE is the one who has done all this.

I like how you say you think you sound wise compared to him. You come across as being so together, that in itself will be a huge wind up for him if he's used to being in control.

Things can't really get any worse, surely!

Hi Lou, if you are still there, He's just not worth it, even if he came begging on his knees with every excuse in the book , he still wouldn't be good enough for you. He;s shown you how weak he is! you have given him all your support, all your emotional intelligence to ensure he achieves, all your warmth and encouragement. He used it to make himself feel strong and powerful!. Just think what you could achieve for yourself if you focused that attention and support on you!!.

In my experience he won'y change, because he can't. You can give yourself all the energy you have wasted on him, you can be your own best friend, your own cheerleading squad, everyone on here knows you are fab, believe it, you will be the best at whatever you want to be, try being your own best mate for a while, think what you would be giving as advice, and take it!

Whatever you choose to do, own it and know its right, learn to feel confident to beleive in your feelings and instinct because that's you and you are good enough,

Ignoring is a good way to go, this fucker won't ever acknowledge your feelings so you have to take charge, fuck him, fuck his stupid , pathetic attempt at coming across as a nice guy, its a better person that walks away before they shit on another person, so this is his his crap not yours, you are not responsible for him and his failings, just focus on being yourself, do what feels right for you, don't stress about coming across as bitter, he'll dig his own grave, by which time you will have moved on so far you'll be able to be generously indulgent of his crap life choices and say ahh bless, what a twat, !!!!

Yes, droves you are right. I texted his sister back and my Mum kept saying 'keep it to facts Lou, keep it to facts' so I deleted and re-wrote some bits and I shall have to keep reminding myself about that. We, at the moment, have done nothing wrong, and I want it to remain that way. We are calling him every name under the sun behind closed doors, but it's important to me that I keep his family 'on side' (of sorts) for the time being. It helps heap the pressure on him.

Yes, I suspect he's already told the women he was in the process of getting divorced. I have wondered if the whole suddenness of his disappearance was a way of hoping I'd file for divorce immediately. If that what he wants, I'm not going to do it. I know it's all about ME and what I want, but one of my top priorities is to make it difficult for him and to get as much out of him as I possible can.

He was maybe in total denial, head in the sand, until she got a lot more pregnant, and organised moving to town and/or moving in tigether. His affair has very possibly snowballed completely out of his control? Like a child would, ignore, hope it goes away.

She possibly has no idea he's married, I suspect she is a victim too.

Sorry to repeat but, whilst I think this is interesting to know as context, it's basically irrelevant. These are ancillary facts to how he's treated YOU LouP, background noise. You don't need to know details of OW situation: it doesn't change how much of a cunt he's been to YOU.

Yes, you're right. And I suspect it'll all come out in the wash sooner or later. I'd be mortified if I saw them together at work. Although he should be the one who is mortified of course. I also agree that he's probably been seeing her for longer than he's admitted, may be up to a year. This again breaks my heart. As I said earlier, my brother saw him taking another woman out to lunch during the autumn of last year.

Going to try and get some shut eye now. I tend to fall straight asleep and then wake up and 3am and stare at the ceiling for a couple of hours. This is when it really gets me.

Bastard.

This period did not last long for me, and I soon moved away from concerns over OW, and how much younger she was than me, and focused on the actual betrayer, his lies and deception.

But for Lou, it is so very much more complicated, and must be tearing her heart apart.

Bless you x

And yes he is a BASTARD.

"I have wondered if the whole suddenness of his disappearance was a way of hoping I'd file for divorce immediately. If that what he wants, I'm not going to do it."

I think you may go on wondering about his actions for some time without ever really finding out the answer. He's not trustworthy and you don't know what he's telling you is true and what isn't. How much of the story about the OW is true you may never know.

I would think about what you want, talk your options through with your solicitor and make a decision about what you want to do when you want to do it. I would try and put him and what he wants out of the picture rather than basing your decision around him - even if you are trying to do the opposite of what you think he wants.

Sleep well x

I agree with Madamemax about the reason he cleaned out your house so thoroughly it really would look like taking his belongings from a flat, wouldn't it even down to the random cutlery. I think your H is capable of lying comprehensively to everyone in order to get what he wants, and I am certain he has lied to the OW and backed it up with the thorough sweep of your house.

I also agree that the OW may be entirely innocent and not a 'trap him with the baby' sort of floozy I think the H has lied to her about his living arrangements up to recently, your relationship, his freedom to be with her. I think she probably thought he was free to be with her, free to start a family. And I think it also takes two to have an accidental pregnancy one to come off the pill (perhaps) and one not to wear a condom.

Despite what he said about pressing her to have an abortion (you only have his word for this too) I think it might be that he tried to tie her to him by getting her pregnant, or at least it might be that he believed the need for protection didn't apply to him since he wasn't able up to then to conceive with you. Or he may have gone without protection because he was reassuring her of his commitment to her by going bareback, risking a pregnancy while he was still living with you.

He was not above tying you to him financially by urging you to work part time after all. This man does only what seems to benefit himself.

I agree too that her part in this doesn't matter. What matters is what he has done to you and what you need to do now to ensure your financial future.

There are quite a few of us in Derbyshire - I'm sure most would be happy to follow him and take a sneaky photo. Shout up if that would be any help and save you the cost of a PI. I'd be delighted to help

Math is spot on .

After everything , the very least you should do is ensure you come out of this as financially secure as possible.

. I'm really sorry about what your going through , but right now is rock bottom and from there the only way to go is up .

Your amazingly strong and calm . You can do this .

Hi Lou, what a complete Bastard. Him and his cock have started something here that will have ramifications for a long, long time to come. All for what? Nasty, irresponsible twat.

Everyone telling you to try not to feel anger toward the OW, they may well be right but so long as you do nothing that makes you the bad guy (which he is desperate for) then moan away! Moan about her on here, moan to your mum...cos i think you just need to get it out of your system and should be allowed to do so without being ticked off.

What i think is paramount though, is you do NOT give him any indication you blame her, do NOT let him bad mouth her to you, it would utterly suit him right now to plant seeds in your mind about her being some predatory sperm stealer, and poor him. Dont let him, he'd only be doing it to make you a little more vulnerable to his manipulation. Just remember, whatever he is saying to you about her, imagine what he'll have been saying about you to her. Bastard.

Yyy, theDreadedFoosa. I agree. And incidentally I think you've got the best user name on MN.

Lou, don't let him be able to play the victim here at all. He's very manipulative and he'll try that tack IMO.

If he starts spewing any more crap just repeat " you made your choice " like a broken record .

It's a good catch all phrase ... Can be used for anything !

Hang in there Lou, you are doing really well. Don't dance to his tune and agree with others:

a) keep to facts with his family
b) take your folic acid and eat as well as you can for you and baby

Apologies if it seemed like there was 'ticking off' - absolutely not intended.

Simply: direct the anger where it belongs, at HIM.

He caused this, whether in collusion or not.

And LouP you of course should feel free to let rip however you wish to.

Lou, anger is your friend. It keeps you strong, it keeps him scared.

Hold on to it, love yourself and take care of yourself.

Sleep well lou, you have found your anger today which is great. and well done to the inlaws for being such nice people.

Perhaps I'm paranoid on your behalf, but I worry you are posting way too much identifiable information about your situation. If the OW is pregnant and does know about you - what if she pieced it together and showed him these threads?

Considering how extraordinaire this situation is, I am also concerned that Lou can be identified by someone in real life or her ex. So Lou, my advice, rant away if you want here in Mumsnet but always ensure you don't post any strategic information here that could be used in court (ie. which angle are you attacking him from in the divorce process, what you expect to get out of it, what you, your solicitor or family are planning). Keep your cards close to your chest.

I live in a very tight knit community and, at the time of my divorce I made sure of two things... never to reveal anything that may come useful in court, but feel free to talk about things that were already out (ie things I have already made the ex aware via solicitor or via court appearances).