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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Chutney Twunt pt 3

999 replies

LouP19 · 14/08/2012 16:39

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 19/08/2012 20:09

Just a suggestion.

If we have advice, why don't we give it, separately.

There have been points in this and the previous threads where I have disagreed with the advice other posters are offering, sometimes even the majority, but I have just said "I actually think you should do x because of yz reasons." I have not tried to denigrate other posters' advice, or characterise it using perjorative terms such as "hysterical".

The intelligent reader is quite capable of weighing conflicting advice without people saying "I think poster x is being hysterical/speculative/whatever when she says xyz." Just give your advice, whatever it is.

cakeismysaviour · 19/08/2012 20:12

I would absolutely post in legal and/or ask your new solicitor about where you stand should he decide he wants the cats (or just helps himself to them).

Honestly, if she has a dog than he probably wouldn't be able to take them anyway, but as others have said, if men in this situation want to 'get to' their partners, they will often do so via the children or pets.

I really would also change the locks.

TooManyDaisies · 19/08/2012 20:12

^^
Agreed

TooManyDaisies · 19/08/2012 20:13

(with MadBusLady in particular

cakeismysaviour · 19/08/2012 20:15

Good post, MadBusLady.

bogeyface · 19/08/2012 20:20

I still dont think that the cats are an issue.

He doesnt appear to want to "get at" Lou, but to get her to do what he wants which is to abort her baby and quietly disappear, while he helps himself to her belongings.

Taking the cats wouldnt help in any of that. It gives him no clear benefit and this man is driven by selfishness not spite.

Original poster

LouP19 · 19/08/2012 20:20

TOOK THE FUCKING CHUTNEY

Had to smile at that Ivana,....

Ok, well it looks like it's kicked off again. I think the 'How's the cats' bollocks from him is about appearing to be a nice guy, nothing more nothing less. Not concerned he'll take them, to be honest they don't even like him and he used to get jealous that they liked me so much. Plus OW has a dog.

Re: the locks. Just been up to my Mums for tea (can't prepare any food at home, I'm crap!), and had a chat with my brother and Mum again. I AM going to get a locksmith in this week to change the lock on the back door. (The front door is bolted from the inside). Simply because I'm sure he'll come back next week to take more stuff he doesn't need. Just to be vindictive. And I'll tell the solicitor this when I see her because I genuinely fear for my safety at the moment. He can have access to the house, fine, but he has to let me know before he turns up.

It's a nice evening, I thought I'd wash my car. Just been in the garage: no bucket, no sponge, no car wash. You see what I mean?!! I can't live like this, wondering what the fuck he'll take next. I've rearranged the bedrooms and want to hang new pictures up. I can't because he's taken all the tools and the big tool box (SO ironic, she'll see that and think 'hey, Mr Handyman' but even that was all show. He's never put a shelf up in his life!)

I just can't live with him coming in taking what the hell he likes, stripping my home. And me having to conceal the fact that I live here all the time just in case. He can't do this to me.

Re: work. I work part time and am going in this week. Hoping I can get a new lock in for then.

OP posts:

cakeismysaviour · 19/08/2012 20:21

Just to expand on what I said about thread derailers.

Its not about someone who gives different advice or who has different opinions. Its about someone who is consistantly trying to start a bun fight with other users, especially on a support thread.

Still, if it inflates their ego.......

Original poster

LouP19 · 19/08/2012 20:22

"He doesnt appear to want to "get at" Lou, but to get her to do what he wants which is to abort her baby and quietly disappear, while he helps himself to her belongings"

Bogeyface, that's spot on.

OP posts:

cakeismysaviour · 19/08/2012 20:31

Urgh. He is a very thorough bastard, isn't he?

Make a list of everything he has taken that is not part of this own personal items. You can add to it as you find more things missing.

That way it can be taken into consideration when dividing the assets up in divorce.

bogeyface · 19/08/2012 20:31

He is a cunt, but it just seems that he is doing what he wants, rather than deliberately trying to hurt you. Not that that makes it any better really. The OW really has got herself a little peach there hasnt she?

Give me a shout when are ready re:coffee cake and a good ol' slagging session!

stifnstav · 19/08/2012 20:31

Perhaps he intends to sprawl across his car bonnet and each chutney with a teaspoon and took the car washing equipment in case he slops?

bogeyface · 19/08/2012 20:32

Eurgh! What a revolting mental image that created Stif :o

Mainly because my fucked up brain had him in short shorts and a vest for some reason :o

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 19/08/2012 20:35

Hello dear Lou, god, almost cleared you out of teaspoons? Chutney, tools teaspoons and meat? He is one entitled git isn't he? Trying to strip you of even your peace and privacy.

Did he ever watch the Sopranos? Because that thing with the lawyer is what Tony Soprano did to stop his wife getting a good divorce lawyer, he went and had a session with every lawyer in town....so she couldn't appoint them.

Didn't stop her though...

Have a peaceful evening Lou

3kidsand4cats · 19/08/2012 20:36

regarding the locks. i was in a similar situation to Lou. (I posted earlier about this, but will just post again because it might have got lost on this really busy thread). i changed the locks because ex kept coming to house to get 'his stuff' (i.e. cherished photos of the kids he'd left) when i was at work. this unsettled me, and i felt he was having a good old snoop. so i changed the locks. he then got his solicitor to write to mine to request a set of new keys. i had to give him these, because his name is still on the mortgage and it is still his house. this really peed me off, but it is the law. now i am in the process of having the mortgage transferred to me, i can change them again, or ask him for his set back. if he gains access, i can call the police. that's the law.

ladyWordy · 19/08/2012 20:37

I do agree with bogeyface - that he is most likely to do whatever is of direct benefit to him.

It's fair to say he does not come across as a typical abuser or a typical affair-having, middle-aged runaway. His words and actions to date have been at odds with each other, and at times quite bizarre. And sometimes bloodlessly cruel.

His words aren't reliable indicators of his thoughts and actions. Nor are his actions predictable. Who calmly picks a lock to take meat and spoons? If he wanted those things, considering Lou is a vegetarian, he might either have notified her and saved himself the lock-picking procedure, or bought his own (he is not on a pauper's salary).

LouP, as usual, you are showing yourself to be a highly intelligent, clear-minded woman who is only ever wound up by her STBXH! In the winding-up stakes, we must look like beginners compared with him. :) :)

You know your husband - you know best what you need to do for yourself.

PS..he took a car sponge?

Original poster

LouP19 · 19/08/2012 20:46

Oh dear, the locks situation,.... whenever I hear the pros and the cons (i.e. I'll have to give him a key for as long as he's joint owner) I get all twittery,... So I'm going to have to pay for a new lock when he will still have access rights anyway. Grrrrr!!

It's all just so unfair.

Any Babylon, you're a star.

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 19/08/2012 20:54

24 hours and counting lovely Lou!!

And so as not to worry anyone, I shall not be undertaking my PI duties alone

My DH has agreed to join me, I think he's quite excited actually!! We have a minder for the DCs and shall be going all incognito on the motorbike

So completely anonymous too with our visors closed!!

We also shall definitely not be approaching chutney twunt in any way shape or form. Though if I should get the opportunity to fly sticker his car with old chutney labels I can't promise not to!

Babylon1 · 19/08/2012 20:55

Oh and any ideas for new thread title? I'm aware I'm using precious space here??!

cakeismysaviour · 19/08/2012 20:56

He can have his access by prior arrangement.

Mmmnotsure · 19/08/2012 20:57

On the bike, too. Babylon cool!

cakeismysaviour · 19/08/2012 20:58

Thread title - A load of Chutney that his mother should have swallowed?

JustSpiro · 19/08/2012 21:02

Re the locks - am sure I've heard that whilst you shouldn't change the locks - there is nothing illegal about adding new ones to ensure your security and peace of mind - particularly as a potentially vulnerable pregnant woman living on her own.

Even if he does take legal advice regarding your security arrangements, it still stalls him and who's to say how long it will take you to arrange new keys etc for him?

Casserole · 19/08/2012 21:05

Delurking to say that yes, you would legally and in theory eventually have to get him a set of keys to the new locks if he asked for them. But there are a million and one ways you could delay doing that, even when written to by his solicitors, as others have already posted.

I would do it tomorrow, personally. I think you are being amazingly strong, but I couldn't live with the continued privacy invading.

I also think some of those who are urging less mass hysteria really do have your best interests at heart, Lou. It is easy to get caught up with a dramatic thread whilst forgetting it is someone's real life. It is much harder to stand up and be the one to say "Hang on a minute, I don't think this is necessarily helpful..." and take such crap for doing so, too. I know that you need the anger, now, to maintain your strength and momentum. I would, too. But I think some of the posters urging caution are actually trying to have your back in the midst of all that.

Very best of luck to you. May his chutney be eternally mouldy, and may his cock rot with it.

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