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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chutney Twunt pt 3

999 replies

LouP19 · 14/08/2012 16:39

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

OP posts:
Original poster
LouP19 · 19/08/2012 10:06

Having a bit of a wobbly morning, Sundays are the worse days ever in this circumstances, aren't they?

Going to a friends for a cuppa this morning, need to get out the house. Sad

OP posts:
NotGeoffVader · 19/08/2012 10:08

Aw Lou, yes go out and see a friend. Have a change of scenery. Cuddle the cats, lock up, and try to relax.

Sending some virtual hugs your way. x

Bossybritches22 · 19/08/2012 10:19

Good idea have a nice catch up with your friend & good bitch about ChutneyBoy,if it helps, or lorts of other things if you want to change the subject!!

Wowserz129 · 19/08/2012 10:22

Yes a very good idea to try and keep yourself busy and distract your mind away from everything!! xx

Halfling · 19/08/2012 11:10

Bloody hell Lou! I utterly despise your H. Hope all his chutney rots and he and the OW turn green and ill after eating it with thelittle teaspoons he has sneaked away.

ForeverAutumnNow · 19/08/2012 11:15

Wobble away, my little Weeble! You need the odd one now and then, to make you realise how well you are doing the rest of the time. Youve had your life as you knew it, ripped apart. It would be very strange if you didnt feel the need to grieve for it, from time to time. Thinking of you, with love.

Flisspaps · 19/08/2012 11:27

I'd change the locks.

If he does get in over the gate and in through the back door, what stops him unbolting and unlocking the front door (from inside) and again leaving with whatever he feels like? He wouldn't have to carry the TV over the gate.

Re-cover your headboard and get rid of his greasy gel stains.

Oh, and Simon Rimmer seems to be over-emphasising the word chutney this morning on Sunday Brunch...

crazyhead · 19/08/2012 11:29

Delurking to offer my huge, huge sympathies.

Having read your story, I just think one day you're going to look back on this and heave a sigh of relief you didn't waste your life with this pathetic little idiot. Whatever you decide with your pregnancy, you can live your life with integrity, and I bet there will be a future relationship for you that makes you realise what a poor excuse for a man Chutney is.

There was a advice letter in the Guardian this weekend about a woman in her 60s who discovered after her husband died that he'd been having an affair for 20 years - making her whole marriage feel meaningless. Chutney sounds just the type to pull that sort of stunt. He'll also certainly do something of that nature to the OW - he already is with these texts to you - but that's her lookout because she's certainly had fair warning.

Also, don't invest in what his parents think. A) they raised him to be this unprincipled man, so you do have to wonder about their judgement B) to admit to themselves that their son is an immoral failure would destroy them. They can't and arguably shouldn't for their own sanity. Forget them.

The advice here has been great, so nothing more to add.

PigletJohn · 19/08/2012 11:57

following on from Flisspaps, I have no idea about the legality of changing locks to keep him out.

However, if you have a front door with a mortice deadlock on it, one of the key benefits is that a burglar can't open it, even from the inside, so it is more difficult for him to carry your belongings away (provided, of course, you don't leave spare keys lying around)

Is your front door wooden or plastic, and what sort of lock does it have?

saffronwblue · 19/08/2012 12:02

Hope you're having a lovely day. Try to give yourself a day off from all the worry.

TheLastRavenhope · 19/08/2012 13:19

Hope you're having a nice cuppa with your friend Lou :)

ladyWordy · 19/08/2012 13:37

Interesting thought PigletJohn (legal aspects aside of course). Sounds like good advice for anyone thinking about home security.

What about Kensington locks and similar for the PC? Anyone think that is worth trying?

toofattorun · 19/08/2012 14:49

I've just had a thought. I would change the date of the scan, then stay at home but move the car onto another road and invite as many people over as you can to discreetly watch (and laugh at) the fucking cunt whilst he attempts to enter your house.

DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 14:53

Can OP not just 'lose her key' and have to change the locks? Or say a neighbour saw 'someone' picking the lock and it made her fear for her safety if people were breaking in and so she changed the locks for that reason? If he has left of his own accord he can't be around to get another key yes?

Houseofplain · 19/08/2012 14:57

I would just change the locks. It's a civil matter. Not a criminal one. He'd have to go to court to get access to the house again. Which considering he's stripping the marital home of all it's assets. Wouldn't go to well for him.

I would jut do it. Until you can get legal protection in place.

ItWentThatWay · 19/08/2012 15:13

Agree with Houseofplain given Chutney Twunt's behaviour, the courts will not be interested in lock changing. A pregnant woman changing locks to protect herself is not unreasonable behaviour.

Lou, I know you are all up in the air with everything but given that Chutney has been to a solicitor, I would get the divorce on adultery rolling asap. I had a friend who this happened to, she stalled, and he divorced her for unreasonable behaviour (they can make any crap up, it doesn't need proof). In the end, he took half of her wealth after bringing no financial assets to the marriage whatsoever, they had been married 10 years.

This man will take anything that can be removed.

DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 15:15

I'm sure changing the locks in this situation must be different to if she had kicked him out then changed them? He left of his own accord didn't he? Taking all his chutney with him.

Original poster
LouP19 · 19/08/2012 15:19

Thanks everyone. If I get to see a solicitor tomorrow or Tuesday the first thing I'll as is if I can change the locks. Will be the first question,.... given the circumstances.

Re: the scan. A friend is taking me and my car will be on the drive. Am going to ask the neighbour to keep an eye out, OR ask my Mum if she will remain here while I'm there. He won't turn up for the scan, he has no interest in that - he just wants me and his baby to quietly disappear so we can fit in with his new life. He just wants to discard me and any trace of our lives. Sad

Went to friends this morning and we looked through photos of my 30th birthday meal. God, that was upsetting, I looked a different person. And I couldn't help but think if I only I knew what was to come,....

OP posts:
ItWentThatWay · 19/08/2012 15:22

Good luck with everything Lou, you will come through this eventually and will be a better you than ever. Glad you have support.

bogeyface · 19/08/2012 15:23

TO be honest I wouldnt mention the locks to your solicitor as they will be duty bound to tell you not to, and if you do it anyway then you could be in hot water. However, if you do it without informing anyone then you can claim that you didnt know you shouldnt.

Get them changed and worry about the legals later, you need to be safe, fuck his "Right to my property" bollocks.

Houseofplain · 19/08/2012 15:25

A solicitor will tell you you can't. But there is little he can do, except take you to court. Well good luck with that cuntney. He's stripping the house of all of your JOINT assets. It's theft. As a pregnant women you don't even know if you'll have a bed to come home to

cenicienta · 19/08/2012 15:26

Deadlock on the front door is a good idea. Once he gets in (over the wall / gate) he can easily get out through the front door if he has a key.

herethereandeverywhere · 19/08/2012 15:35

On changing the locks, setting aside the legal black and white (which we're all but sure is that she cannot and should not change them) I would way up:

1)What's the absolute worst that can happen if you don't change them? Chutney has proved he's capable of anything and Lou is one more hire-van away from being totally wiped out materially before you even look at the damage it's doing to her mental wellbeing; versus

  1. What's the worst if you do change them? Chutney blows up initially (query how easily he could access Lou and be violent if he's locked out though) bit of legal action, claim they were changed for legitimate reasons (keeping lone woman safe at night, no need for him to return when he's already gone so far as removing frozen meat and chutney) forced to give him keys for new locks/change them back.

Personally I'd run the risk with option 2 but it is Lou's decision to make (and I may well have missed some pros and cons of each option)

ModreB · 19/08/2012 15:39

With regard to the locks, I had a friend who many years ago had a very acrimonious split with her H. She then had to put up with weeks of his sisters Shock turning up at the house, letting themselves in and saying that they were entitled to because he had given them permission to do so, and he had actually written a letter of authority as it was half his house as well and they were coming to check and protect his assets!

She ended up changing the locks, after she lost her handbag, then promised via a solicitors letter to give him a key, but unfortunately, because she was so upset about the split, kept forgetting to get one cut until after the divorce settlement, in which she kept the marital home.

MadBusLady · 19/08/2012 15:40

I have zero experience in legal stuff but my inclination would be to ask about the locks too Sad. I am just Little Miss Rulebook like that. I'd be more inclined to safeguard any stuff you really don't want him to get hold of - could some stuff live in the boot of your car if you have one?? Including the computer itself maybe? (monitors etc are relatively cheap). Bit extreme, but then it's always with you and not legally accessible to him.

Your 30th, were you already married to him at that point? If so, not for long if I recall correctly, I think you mentioned being married 5/6 years. I just suspect that the happy you in those photos is just that - YOU. Nothing to do with him. And therefore, you can get her back.

I really wanted to say when you made that comment about arrogance but got distracted by something - blimey you just don't have an arrogant bone in your body! It shines through your posts, honestly, you are neurologically incapable of being arrogant, or bumptious, or childishly selfish, or egotistical, or any of the other qualities Chutneytwat is so embodying at the moment. Your analysis is totally correct - it IS all his fault. I know reasonable people like you are brought up to be thoughtful about things, mindful of the possibility that you might be in the wrong, that there are always shades of grey in a situation. But seriously, this time, there aren't. It really is all him.