real life challenges vs online misadventures, dating (and non-dating) thread 19

[hatesponge]

I have been to the pub. I'm not pissed but I am happy (well happier at least).

Conclusions reached this evening:

1. I am pretty bloody amazing, and any man I choose to date is very very lucky and should appreciate this fact!
2. Online dating is not for me. But I have learned from it that I shouldnt judge a book by it's cover and not to be so superficial
3. Man from the weekend DID like me, he is either still in love with his wife, or still hurt by her and lacking in confidence, there is NOTHING I did wrong, and he probably will be back at some point, but it will be too late because I will have MOVED ON :)
4. I am joining the gym and losing my remaining 3 stone.
5. I am going back to my old haunts in Essex this weekend because I have the best nights out there and feel at home. I intend to drink, dance, look fabulous and talk to anyone and everyone!

So that's my resolutions for the thread in essence, less moaning, more exercise, to have fun and be sociable to everyone, less aloof unavailable ice queen and more friendly and approachable.

time how old is DD? I got involved in amdram via PM (...of course because I basically do everything he asks me to... ) who was auditioning for 'Macbeth', they needed some children to be brutally murdered, so my boys auditioned and got cast (PM didn't, haha!) and I chaperoned them at rehearsals and performances, met lovely people, got totally sucked in! they did another production and because chaperoning is SO BORING, I started to do a bit of backstage work; stage managing and eventually costume design. I'd like to direct, so thats my next evil plan. :)

If DD is at all theatrical, that might be an 'in' for you. you're absolutely right that it gets so much easier as they get older and more independent, but please don't put off things that might make you happy just because DD is a certain age. There are ways and means! Work would be great as well, it is SO isolating sometimes being away from adult environments. I got so tired of never talking to anyone when I was on maternity leave, I'd strike up conversations with people just so I could talk to someone. Anyway, we all feel a bit lonely at times because we're stuck in the house with DCs and a bit isolated (which is why MN is so good at times) but if at all possible, seize the opportunity to 'use' DD to meet people.. :)

I'm ramping up the seduction campaign with PM. it will be very subtle and probably take a long time. :) I think I told him that I had feelings for him on October 15th 2010 around a couple of years ago, he changed the subject, I left it at that.. then we had a bit of a row last January because he was being a bit insensitive, I kind of think he knows because when he was seeing the gf he didnt tell me he was seeing someone for a while and then when he finally confessed (...) by text (...) acknowledged that it was probably a bit soon/weird for me to meet her. I would never want to cause him any pain or embarrasment, but need to recognise that I have needs/wants/feelings as well and they are of equal priority to his. Thanks for the 'gorgeous and intriguing' - as i say, I do tend to think people only look at me to have a good gawp. I see it, I see people whispering and pointing at me and pulling faces and although I have lots of armour and a very thick tattooed skin, it can wear you down, so I tend to not look at people looking at me.

Anyway, got checked out and complimented on the train this morning by a guy I occasionally commute with, giant brick shit house of a bloke with knee length dreadlocks, who sat next to me and as I stood up to get off said, 'nice ink by the way,' All I could manage was a 'thank you!' (my normal response) but I should probably have added 'awesome hair!'

That was what you said, Time. :) Perhaps not what you meant, though.

But anyway, it doesn't matter if your friends, male of female, are married or single.
And real friends start off as "just" acquaintances, or "just" mum stuff.
You just need to identify the people you like to spend time with and build up from there. Even if couples.

You can take your DD if these people have other children or meet up in a child friendly area. Even invite them in?

To be fair, most of my friends are old friends and we aren't in contact that much, but we still get together and are there for each other if necessary.

I think you need to be around people with good relationships. Men that are nice to women. All the better if they are couples. It will give you a sense of normality and what you can expect from a good relationship.
Also possibly restore your faith in men and identify the good ones.

Who knows? They may even have single nice relatives and friends. :o

I have awoken very happy. Would love to say non man related but i would be lying. Message from date 5, two other people I met in real life wanting dates. Erm, looks guilty, who to choose, stuff it, fuck choosing.

anyone Londonny might fancy this?, fuck me, there's even free gin!

I kind of like this site, it's a bit flirty tounge in cheek and doesnt take itself too seriously. of course it's internet dating, so they're all creeps, but you get to see them in their natural creepy habitat, rather than just looking at them online

Time I had no idea you'd had such a hard time of things. I can entirely understand all of that would give you a negative view of men, I do think some balance would be good though, nice decent men do exist (albeit they are fairly rare) and I think might slightly restore your faith in the male race generally - and balance out the impact of all the horribly abusive men you have encountered in RL in the past plus all the idiots, pervs and general weirdos on POF.

The amdram thing is a great idea, and as Snape rightly says you could probably find a way of doing this involving Dd. That or some other activity - what about cycling (if you and DD have bikes that is) or something like that?

I'd love to do a bit of amdram but the only things local to me are full of people who make me feel a bit boring & suburban .

I dont have many male friends anymore tbh, I have in the past & they were all lovely BUT it always ended for one of 3 reasons - a) they made it clear they wanted more than friendship & I felt uncomfortable in their company b) I realised I had 'feelings' for them & knew they didnt feel the same way so I couldnt be around them c) they met a gf/partner and I never heard from them again... :) but such is life!

My friend is feeling much better this weekend so off back to Essex tomorrow, I can't wait. Intend to be looking fabulous, engaging men in conversation, and whilst I don't expect to meet anyone worthy of my interest, I will certainly have fun

Was slightly flattered by the builder down the road commenting (as I walked past at 7.30 this morning) 'Christ if I had her at home there's no way I'd be at work this early!' Just a shame he was short, lacking in teeth and the wrong side of 50 40. My new mantra of not judging a book by it's cover can only stretch so far, I still have some standards!

Snape I can't see that link cos I'm at work BUT free alcohol sounds good to me

Snape, are you saying that they won't all take their computers/tablets/smart-phones and communicate through e-mail?

Sorry to disagree, Sponge

nice decent men do exist (albeit they are fairly rare)

I think most men I know (or am closer to) are nice and decent. I'm sure they have faults, as we do, but overall I don't have that idea.
Perhaps true in internet dating, which is probably not surprising.

But, I like your current attitude.

Lueji I'd be updating my facebook throughout...

sponge it'sa lovestruck free entry night at a bar in hoxton, 22nd August 2012, starts at 17.00, capacity 500, the first 100 in the door get a free gin (hoorah!) no silly name tags or pressure, if you're single and want to talk to new folk, ask for a red straw at the bar. between 5-7, wine is a tenner a bottle, cocktails are 2-4-1.

If I could be arsed this would be a brilliant idea. (I might be arsed by the time the 22nd creeps around...)

lueji I was probably thinking more of single men, most of the attached men I know are lovely.

Snape it sounds a million times better than the singles thing I went to previously. I might consider giving it a whirl :)

If I reconsider my position regarding various things, i might go - and if I do I'm happy to hunt in a pack... :)

Oh I wish I lived in London, that sounds great.

I am completely amazed at how strong my resolve is with not contacting bf/exbf whatever he is. I've never kept my cool like this before when I actually still had feelings for someone... tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and crack first with contact. Fuck that this time, I am enjoying feeling strong and in control. I can only think that taking that time out and building my self esteem back up is what I have to thank for my new self. I mean I've never been one to take a load of shit or anything, but this is a whole new level of awesome for me. :o

Also it might partly be the sheet of A4 I have pinned up on the wall behind my desk which says KEEP YOUR COOL, STAY STRONG!

Lubey that is brilliant, well done. let him stew.

Thanks.

I think, upon my constant reflection and thinking about this, I have been so very good to him, and so patient and cool and generally an all round brilliant girlfriend.

Therefore I can't be arsed with drama - he either appreciates and wants to keep it or he doesn't. If he doesn't, someone else will. No skin off my nose.

I was ridiculously happy as I was before i met him, with my life as it was, and I will be again if it ends.

Exactly, Lubey. :)

lubey - sounds like you are in a good place and feel ok about whatever might happen. pleased for you. Well done on no contact too, must be hard.

Snape - that looks fab, go, go!!!!

Sponge - hope you have an absolutley smashing weekend away ( did you know im about 30 mins from colchester? )

Miranda - how did the meet go?

I agree with time that friendships are more difficult to cultivate when you dont have much/ any childfree time. If you are making friends with families then they are also busy, and less likely to be able to visit in the evenings. I have tons of aquantinces, school gate people and such, but not many, or any of those i would class as actual friends. Also, i find, as a person in my own right, i dont really want all my socalising to centre around doing something with ' the children' sometimes i want to be able to do stuff for me.

Male role models is interesting. I dont think i have that many positive ones. In know lots of men, who are seemingly nice to the casual observer, but, knowing their wifes i know they are anything but. Siblings boyfriends leave a lot to be desired, and i dont mean in the way they appear, but being very controlling and isolating etc, yet again, on the surface seem lovely. My own father, was, and is a coward who puts others before his children and blames other people for his own actions, my husband was abusive, YWK was narcisist and the worlds biggest liar. My step dad however is lovely, totally.
I do agree, that a lot of men are actually not all that nice, and i think that maybe online dating throws up lots of men with issues, and makes you on the look out for crappy behaviour even more.
Sometimes i do wonder if those who have found someone after only a few dates are maybe not so aware of red flags in behaviour, because they maybe have less experience.

Its been a crappy week, problems at work, Exhusband being a knob and then my grandad died unexpectatly last night. MrL was here when i got the call and was very lovely and offered to stay if i didnt want to be on my own, which was nice.
And tonight we are off, as a couple, to join my mother and step father for a bbq as they are camping locally. Mrl was cool and even enthuastic about it, which was kind of nice. Hes briefly met them once, so , this will be the first socalising thing as it were, with meeting DD next weekend.
:)

Sorry to hear about your Granpa watch was it your Dads side of the family?

Your mum is going to have a great evening judging MrL. :) I forgot to mention how pleased I am that MrL is meeting DD soon. :)

Yes, it was, which brings a whole barrel of issues, as my evil stepmother has ousted me and my siblings from the family, i hadnt seen my grandad for years, we were told we werent welcome.. ive not even been to my fathers house for 6 years now.... the funeral will not be fun. it will be worse than these things usually are.

Shes met him twice, once when i forgot suff when we were camping and she brought it for me, so, maybe 15 mins, and then last night when she collected her dog i had looked after for her. Im sure it will be fine, It feels ok - 4 weeks ago it might have been awkward, but it just feels ok to do now.

Yeah, we were talking about DD last night, and i told him, that i dont know if he was worried or what he might have been thinking, but that there is no expectations on him, he only has to be himself, he doesnt need to be DD's father, she already has one, hes just him. He said he hadnt thought that too much, but had crossed his mind. Its a big jump, but it feels ok.

We also talked about it being nicer, because we will be able to see each other and be part of each others lives more.
Until this point DD has been kept out of the picture, so the me he knows is just the me on my own, and its not the whole me really. Its a sort of fractured thing, i cant think of the words to describe it really.
But i think there comes a point when you want to be in each others lives more, and see each other more, so this needs to be dealth with. Im sure it will all be fine, im basing this on the fact that hes lovely with my dog... lol. but honestly, he is, really sweet with him, people who are nice to pets are usually nice to children too.

Hug, watch. Sorry about your grandad. :(
Great about MrL, though.

Mr VN has drifted onto muddy waters by suggesting that I could do with an extra 2-4 pounds in weight.
Luckily for him it was in response to a jokey comment by me about something making me gain weight. And I don't have hang ups about my weight. :)

We are going to the cinema today. Yay!
He offered to drive me home (1h round trip) if I missed the last transport, although I suspect he actually wants to stay the night.
Not much luck there because my period started last night.
We'll see how I feel later today.

Ha ha loving this thread ... Been on pof since november and so know exactly what you mean !!!

im basing this on the fact that hes lovely with my dog... lol. but honestly, he is, really sweet with him, people who are nice to pets are usually nice to children too :) this really made me smile :)

I think it's difficult, because you're still a wee bit 'fractured' when he's just met the kid(s) and you want to create a great impression of being lovely-competent-uber-mum, so you're especially lovely around DD (not saying that you generally arent!) I'm incredibly fucking lovely to my kids when PM is around. If they were at all calculating, they'd know they can get away with murder. I'm waiting for DD to drop a bomb when he's there so I have to resist any urges to strangle her ( this is a joke, my kids are great, I wouldn't strangle them at all )

haha. but it IS true.
:)
We went for a picnic to the park last night, we took my dog, then i had my mothers dog, so we took her too.
So - two dogs and lots of food... never a good combo.

Then, because it was just after work the park was very busy, and there were dogs all over the place and at one point a spaniel literally came racing over, lept over a lying down mrl, grabbed some food and raced off with it, with my dog and my mothers dog chasing after!

then we got bashed by another dog, then mums dog went in the pond and shook all over him. Then i bumped into some peole i knew, who have 2 dogs and 3 children, so it was all rather manic and crazy/
And i just think, that, well, if someone can be ok with with all, take it all in their stide ( bearing in mind he has NO children himself or in his family, and only cats) then he cant be bad.

Of course, i am only lovely to DD all the time, and never do the mum voice
I dont ever try and be uber mum, i dont really care how people think i parent, i know im doing a good job, so i dont think it will be too much of an issue. i say, hopefully and naievely.
:)

he has cats?!

i luff him. :)

If you do occasionally mum-voice, then keep mum-voicing. Him being around will have no bearing on your parenting at all. :) I was a bit uber-mum when he first met them, because three kids is a lot! but then, he's not my bf and I tend to be a bit precious/show-offy when anyone meets my kids for the first few times, because they're my kids. :)