real life challenges vs online misadventures, dating (and non-dating) thread 19

[hatesponge]

I have been to the pub. I'm not pissed but I am happy (well happier at least).

Conclusions reached this evening:

1. I am pretty bloody amazing, and any man I choose to date is very very lucky and should appreciate this fact!
2. Online dating is not for me. But I have learned from it that I shouldnt judge a book by it's cover and not to be so superficial
3. Man from the weekend DID like me, he is either still in love with his wife, or still hurt by her and lacking in confidence, there is NOTHING I did wrong, and he probably will be back at some point, but it will be too late because I will have MOVED ON :)
4. I am joining the gym and losing my remaining 3 stone.
5. I am going back to my old haunts in Essex this weekend because I have the best nights out there and feel at home. I intend to drink, dance, look fabulous and talk to anyone and everyone!

So that's my resolutions for the thread in essence, less moaning, more exercise, to have fun and be sociable to everyone, less aloof unavailable ice queen and more friendly and approachable.

Well, I agree with all of that Lubey, firmly!

It's the type of thing that put me off ex, particularly in later years, and I'm definitely not accepting it now!

And this type of entitlement and exhibitionism does make me frigid. Frozen even.

Mr VN's hand holding and kisses everywhere on the other hand...

Some men just don't know what they are missing, I guess.

Ooh that made me smile Snape! I am pleased to be a feminist! Yeah, I'm a feminist!! I certainly don't see men as the stronger sex, if anything I have more respect for women than I do men! I don't rely on men for anything at all, I do everything myself and wouldn't dream of thinking I couldn't do something in favour of a man. I certainly do not believe that men deserve to be paid more than women!! I hate being judged on my looks, being called sexy I have a brain and a personality, I am a woman but I am also an individual, and would like to be treated as such. I wear nice clothes and make up because I like it, it makes me feel good, I don't do anything for the sake of attracting a man, I am who I am, I am me, and if a bloke doesn't like it, well, he can piss right off!!

So there!

You get a special badge now & the magical gift of being able to roll your eyes when some men's right's bod rattles on about 'feminazi's'

I get a 'refer a friend' prize. (GHD's) :)

Truth is Snape, I don't really rate men, I don't class them as anything special, I don't think they are superior and a bloke with a big ego is a real turn off! I love my man free life and honestly wouldn't care if I never lived with one again. I think men are full of bullshit and try to lead us to believe they are the stronger sex and that we can't live without them, that they have something we need. Well I can't think of one single thing a man can give me that I need. So, he has a cock, but I don't need it, and a cock attached to the body of man who doesn't treat me respectfully, and as an equal, is of no appeal to me whatsoever!

And I was thinking this morning, about the smutty texts Candle Sniffer sent me. Just because he thought I looked 'sexy', he thought he was entitled to bombard me with sex talk. Because of how I look, how he perceived me, he obviously thought I was up for it. He told me I had made him horny even though I hadn't responded to his smut. His imagination filled in the gaps and he was blaming me for making him horny. It just made me think about the guys who rape women then accuse them of asking for it because of how they were dressed, because the sight of a body/flesh turns them on, so they rape and then blame the women for turning them on. It's so very wrong.

And yesterday I was wearing a knee length black skirt and a wrap over top, with lily white legs and flat sandals on the end of them. I wasn't dressed to look sexy but his mind told him I was.

Apologies for the waffle

Actually, the rape analogy occurred to me as well, blaming you for him being horny, its your fault so you have to do something about it 'luv'. That smacks of all sorts of issues, particularly after you had expressly said no.

I don't need a man for anything either, I'm too.independent & I think men are socialized to distrust that independence & not recognise it as a strength, or that strong women don't lack femininity. but I would quite like some cock thanks

I can't hate men, because I'm rationalizing that they're not all fuckmuppets & I have two incredible DSs, who are being brought up to be respectful of women. Whoever lands one of my chaps is going to be very lucky!

Funny, I had an American bf once, who used to call me 'babe' & walk around Chicago with his hand on my arse. I loved it. I allowed it because he was clued-up, respectful, old fashioned in the courteous ways, chivalrous, but knew I could do anything he could do from change a wheel, to swim 2 miles. I wouldn't date a guy who didn't identify as a feminist (narrows her own field even further!)

I'm pleased you agree Snape because that has really been bothering me. It even crossed my mind this morning that I may have had a lucky escape, if I hadn't been put off by the smut, who knows what might have happened next. The smut feels like a form of grooming. And he was persistent. I did make it clear yesterday that I wasn't interested, but he failed to accept it and continued. Just makes you think.

I'm very independent too. I think men are threatened by it. I don't hate men, I just don't have them on a pedestal, I don't see them as superior. I raised my son in exactly the way you have raised your DS's, but something went badly wrong when he hit his late teens, after living with The Ex. Unfortunately, he hasn't turned out to be the man I intended or would have loved him to be. I pity the woman who ends up with my son, and it breaks my heart to say it, when we were a single parent family he was wonderful, precious and perfect. But it seems he chose the wrong path and decided to emulate the abusive prick I lived with. I pray every day that one day he will knock on my door, having realised the error of his ways.

My field is very narrow! I know exactly what I want in a man and am confident that I will recognise it if/when it comes into my life. If it doesn't happen then I've lost nothing because I can't imagine being any happier than I am right now.

I don't agree with the rape thing, rape is about power, not sexual arousal (women dressed head to toe get raped, so do old ladies, etc etc) men just use the 'she was asking for it' excuse because it's easier than accepting to themselves that they are a monster/psycho/or plain in the wrong

Also Time I wonder if you have any positive male role models in your life at all? You just seem very, very down on all men

I am a feminist for sure but I can't say I don't rate men as a blanket statement- there are plenty of wonderful ones, same as there are wonderful (and some awful!) women

No Lubey I can't say that I have. My dad was lovely, but he was controlled by my mother and didn't have a back bone, therefore when she was abusive, rather than stick up for me he sided with her. I married the first man I sort of felt something for, far too young, just to get away from home. He was an insecure control freak who didn't like me wearing skirts and made me go upstairs every time the insurance man called round. But he told me he loved me . Then the last one, well, far too many problems to go into here, but that was bad. This is warped, I realise that now but the only man I have ever truly admired, really looked up to and sort of loved, was the partner of my friend. He was 20 years older than me but there was something about him I really liked. But this was a man who beat my friend, he broke her ribs, her nose, he was terribly abusive, but he blamed her. Only after leaving my ex, going into refuge, having counselling and realising that I was in an abusive relationship, did it dawn on me how fucked up I was. To actually worship a guy as violently abusive as my friends partner, not to mention putting up with my own abuse, thinking it was normal. I saw that guy in town recently, he came over to me, arms outstretched ready to give me a hug. I just looked at him and walked quickly away, I can see him now for what he is and I despise him. So that's good I suppose?

To be honest I haven't really had that much experience of men. In my first job I had a male boss who was a tyrant. I recognise now that he was abusive. I had a job as an office manager for a builder but he sexually assaulted me so I had to leave. I was a single parent too. I haven't had loads of dates in my adult life, haven't met anyone I feel comfortable with, I was raped by a boyfriend when I was 18 so that sort of put me off a bit, so no, I would say I haven't ever had a positive male role model in my life.

Pretty shit really. And suggestions as to how I change things?

Gosh, this is making me cry!!

Sorry, that should say any suggestions...

Awww Time! I am sorry, I just wondered and wasn't expecting that at all, bless you. I wasn't thinking at all sorry.

My only suggestion would be to bear in mind your lack of a positive role model when thinking of men in general. They aren't all like that, I promise. Also, have you done the freedom program? I have heard very good things about it.

Maybe I am lucky then to have known some fantastic men, as role models growing up, and as love interests. Ones who are gentle and loving, strong but in no way controlling, who are unselfish and just, well... brilliant.

that's ok Lubey.

No, I've not done the freedom programme, I just came out of refuge and threw myself into getting on with my life, the best I could.

I can honestly say I have never had gentle and loving, ever. my exH seemed ok, there had been nothing to make me feel uncomfortable, until our wedding night, when he simply used me for his own pleasure, literally threw me into different positions while having sex with me. So that was the beginning of that!

I have always shied away from men, I have never gone looking for them, the men I dated were all men who came on to me. Up until recently I have hated men looking at me. I do want to feel differently, and I do want to experience the love you talk about, I just don't want to risk any more crap. I feel as though I have spent all of my life fighting to be me, just keeping my head above water. Finally I have a peaceful and happy life and I don't want anything to spoil that.

BUT, I will say that I do worry about DD and I do hope to meet someone who is wonderful, that I can introduce into her life, so that she has experience of a positive male role model, because at the moment she doesn't. I also want her to witness a loving relationship, because she hasn't seen that either.

Hugs, Time.

Most men I know are ok. Not sure why I chose ex, tbh, although I didn't really put up with his attempts at abuse and I was out the door as soon as he became physically violent.

In fact I get along with men in general.

Do you have any male friends?

I think that's so normal after bad relationships time, particularly after ones like yours. Mine have all been rubbish with varying degrees of violence but not to your level I will admit that six months back or so I went through a phase of wondering if I wanted ANY relationship because I really felt I would be happiest without anyone. In my own little world as such.

Getting into another relationship when you are only just starting to get a life back for yourself is plain scary, no matter how nice a chap is. It's taking a risk, making yourself vulnerable again and I can certainly see why some women want to be single end of.

I don't feel that way now, but at the time the feeling of reluctance to give up my own little world and let anyone in was very strong.

What I will say is that in the last year I have certainly learned that I would never ever stay in a bad relationship again because of being afraid to be alone.

Thank you leuji. No, no male friends. I did have a male friend until early this year, mainly in contact via text and email but he started to get a bit too familiar, then he admitted he wanked over my facebook photos. My photos are all head shots, what he found to wank over I have no idea but that put me off him, it didn't feel like a genuine friendship any more so I distanced myself.

I have grown up with abuse Fate, I've never really known any different. When I say I never want to live with a man and I am happy on my own, I do mean it, because I am, genuinely really happy, but if I am being honest I would like to experience something 'nice', and easy, no friction. I would like to experience someone loving me and treating me well, but it just seems like a pipe dream. And he would have to be very very special for me to let him in

I havent got much time to catch up, But TIME he is an arse, best rid of him, real life men arent always any better.

HOWEVER I have today met a really seemingly nice one, Anyone want any of my spares?? I am still planning on seeing my old friend a.k.a date 5, though,but need plan B,C and D in order too.

they are all 'real life men' MLM, it's just some are hidden behind a screen doing the perving rather than in the pound shop.

Well done on date 5!!!

Yeah, you know what i mean, men you meet in real life or online, sorry. [puppyface] I know date 5!!!!

I went on a date the other day. He demonstrated how to treat someone really nicely and then I felt sad cause no one has ever been so nice to me (not any of my partners!) but more than that, I felt really special. It should be like that, shouldn't it?

He's not a sophisticated man and he lives a rather alternative lifestyle which is the complete opposite of mine but he is intelligent and caring. He took me out on his boat, made me dinner and treated me like a queen. I stayed the night and he got up early, made me breakfast and sent me off to work with a packed lunch. I met some of his sailing chums and they all were lovely and welcoming. I know there can't be much of a future for us cause I'm not in a position to sail off into the sunset, literally, but we will see each other again. He's restored my faith that there are some nice ones around and I rather liked being cossetted for a few hours.

time my dearest love, the first step in sorting this is realising that it needs sorted. :). Thank you for sharing that. Although I haven't had abusive relationships and don't remember my father at all, his absence influenced my attitude to men. I was fairly promiscuous as a teenager, equating sex with non-existent love and trying to replace a missing male figure. I think it's really important to analyse this, it's a great starting point for recovery. :)

Get some male friends, do! I have a bunch. I think I don't think they would ever fancy me (self esteem issues..) & I only fancy one of them so it kinda works out. Join a local amateur dramatics society immediately ! ;-)

Incidentally, seeing as I am totally oblivious to anyone, ever looking at me with even a vague hint of sexual interest, because i tend to think they're gawping at my tattoos or wondering why someone so repulsive is allowed out in daylight... PM looked at me tonight & it looked maybe...a bit....kind of... Appreciative.

Not quite sure what to do with that.

Thank you Snape, and you know, I have always, for as long as I remember, wanted to do amateur dramatics. And I would love to have male friends, it's just at the moment, with DD being so young, I'm a bit tied. At the moment I'm looking for work and hoping that a job will bring new people into my life. Being in such abusive relationships has meant I have always been very isolated so I am looking forward to having more people in my life. I do know 'it needs sorted' and I do want to sort it

As for PM, I think he is appreciative of you. I can't imagine spending as much time with a woman as PM spends with you and not have feelings for her. And you are a gorgeous, intriguing woman, he has everything he could ever need right under his nose, so it's about time he started looking at you with appreciation. How long ago is it that you hinted/talked about you being more than just friends? I would love a friend like PM.

Concentrate he sounds lovely!

Having a child doesn't have to stop you from having friends, male or female, Time.

Amateur dramatics sounds good. You should go for it. :)

Indeed good one, Concentrate. If nothing else it's good or the soul. :o

That's not what I said lueji. Having a child stops me from socialising as much as I would like. I can't just sign up to things because I have no one to care for DD and I can't afford babysitters on a regular basis. I do have 'friends' but they are not what i would class as real friendships, just school mum stuff, plus they are all married. As DD gets older and more independent I will have more time for me.