Husband and teens?

[blackraven12]

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

Personally, I think there could be something to be concerned over, or not.

Sexual fantasies/ attractions etc are complex and I personally have fantasies/thoughts which I would never in a million years actually act on in rl because the appeal is that they are not happening in real life.

So what goes on in his head, isn't necessarily the test of his entire character, moral code etc etc.

However, I think at the very least he should be able to see why this would rattle you and cause you to ask questions.

All you are doing is asking him about it, you aren't being judge and jury on him, but you are wondering how it all fits together. Give him chance to think a bit, then tell him you need to better understand it so you can understand why you don't need to worry about it.

If he isn't willing to chat it through in a non-judgemental conversation then he is being a little obtuse IMO.

The fact that this is obviously a theme for him over several years is as good a reason as any to need some illumination on the matter. If it was a one-off passing attraction that might be one thing - but it isn't.

But op. You've already decided teen porn and openly sexualising a 13 yo girl, them letching at teens Infront of you. Isn't a deal breaker. When for many people it would be. I don't know what you really expect.

It's obvious from the way he talks to you he does not respect you, nor care what you think. It's obvious from the way he acts. You've asked him already about the diary, even though he knew at that point she was 13. He rolled his eyes, treated you with contemp and he said "but she looked older".

He does not care. So you are either going to have to suck it up or decide whether to move on or not. That's his preference amd he does not respect you.

You've known him 4 years and all this is coming to light. It's bin time don't you think?

yes OP...and tbh and fair to you...you don't really know the true facts or how far this behaviour has gone or may go....

Who knows what another person is capable of until they are found out and the evidence is there in front of us??? People rarely admit their misdemeanors before they are found out or caught or discovered....

I'm sorry but you just don't know whether this is a can of worms or not...and I understand your fear about finding out may be clouding your judgement quite alot and the implications just seem too overwhelming to think about....but you don't know what may have been going on for 8yrs + with this man.....it remains up to you what you do about this, and what your inner morals are saying to you about what you do next with this information and evidence...albeit, perhaps easier to want to believe it is all innocent and normal and nothing to worry about....you either guard your secrets with your partner and deal with those possible consequences or you share them with someone who can help deal with it professionally

FWIW an ex of mine told me the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to him was on holiday with his mates when he was drooling over a girl in the pool. Later with her family it became obvious that she was about 14 and he instantly lost interest, but his mates still absolutely crucified him taking the piss. They were still doing it 10 years later when he was with me...I asked him how he could just stop fancying her like that and he said it just "went away" as if he was staring at someone and when she turned round it's his sister, or she's got a willy or something!

I honestly think that would be the normal response from most men - they'd go from "she's pretty" to "she's a child" and that would be that.

"So what goes on in his head, isn't necessarily the test of his entire character, moral code etc etc." Thanks for that Jenner, thats why I found it shocking because he's a gentle thoughtful caring person etc.

I know it wasn't an ideal way to go about it but I sent him a txt while he's at work saying I cant stand another night of strained atmosphere and that seeing as he wouldn't talk yesterday I'd send him a txt to say we need to talk. I got one back saying yes we'll talk later.

Im going to have to say something to you again whatthewhatthebleep - his recorded notes regarding the 14 year old acknowledge that his "feelings" (that she was attractive) toward the girl were wrong. Therefore I see no danger at all of this person being a law breaker.

Good that he is prepared to talk. IMO he needs to open up totally and lay all his cards on the table and discuss it with you and be prepared for you to ask questions without eye rolling or being fobbed off.

If he won't do that I would be angry in your shoes.

You need to know for lots of reasons, including if the truth is something you can live with or not.

The comment 'if she was 18 I could handle that' is interesting - I would want to know what that meant personally.

Yes I've told him in the text I'd rather know the truth however uncomfortable it is to hear.

It was 17 he said he could handle it. I asked him about that what would you have done if she'd been 17 and he said he'd have done nothing (in reality). I think it maybe would've made it more acceptable to him to fancy her.

yes...if his interest had stopped there when he found out she was barely 14yrs...but he has actively continued to stare at young girls within the OP's presence and in broad daylight (neither being normal behaviour imo)...trolling the web for 'teen bodies' and very defensive and unwilling to discuss this behavior and been dismissive and angry with OP for asking about it all.....his lack of moral compass is quite clearly badly flawed imo

None of this is normal, acceptable or ok and I'd have major alarm bells going off if it was me and would be very uncomfortable with the possibilities that may be there and I would be wondering about what I don't know....and how far/deep an issue this might be.
I'm not accusing anyone...I'm suggesting the fact that nobody knows and there is only really 1 way to find out

Well I know loads of guys who have drooled over Emma Watson as Hermione in Harry Potter - cue lots of jokes such as 'thank god for that - now I'm not a perv' when she turned 18 after being in the public eye since very young.

But, she is a remote sleb, untouchable except for fantasy - not a family friend or whatever, so it a lot depends on his own POV and how much their extreme youth features in the attraction etc whether this is out of the realms of acceptable.

The fact that these thoughts were strong enough to be the only ones he actually noted in a diary shows the depth of feeling he had at the time. Maybe he alarmed himself for not getting put off by her age and has to keep a check on himself.

Definitely alarm bells happening - hence OP's concern. But think the jury is out until more can be known and understood about it.

I certainly don't think he is/was/going to be an abuser. I know its just in his head, thoughts etc.

You don't know anything of the sort.

I am shocked about the diary entry but I'd like to stick to the facts
( he has actively continued to stare at young girls) it was 2 girls
(angry with OP for asking about it all.) I never said he was angry, he was quite calm considering what I'd told him.

I think OP, the calm considered approach you are taking is far more likely to get you closer to finding out what you need to know that jumping the gun ever would. As someone said further up we don't live in the Minority Reports film.

If you aren't leaping down his throat he can't object to your enquiry and will be able to explain what it is all about for him.

Good luck with your chat tonight.

Thank you Jenner I think the calm considered approach has come with age (I'm 46) a few years ago I'd have been ranting and raving but I've learned that doesn't help matters any (although it does make you feel better!).

I will update but will it will be later this weekend when he's at work. He would be devastated if he knew I was posting this on the internet.

Thanks to all who took the time to reply.

I think that seeing as you have 2 teenage sons - who may well have 'friends' who are girls and 'girlfriends' over the next few years - that you have a duty of care to any teenage girls who may well be visiting your house.

You know he has (at least once) specifically searched for a particular brand of pornography. You have witnessed him leering/drooling over a teenage girl in front of you and you have this 8 year old diary. How would you feel about (for example) the mother of one of your sons friends looking at 'teen' porn, confessing to finding a 14 year old boy hot and openly ogling teenage boys in front of her husband? Would you be willing to let your sons go to their house or would you be put off?

You do need to have a serious talk with him and he needs to address the above actions. And as the mother of two teenage daughters I really hope that you do that.

I know this is very uncomfortable and horrid, but I think some posters are making assumptions, possibly based on their own experiences-I think you do well to stick to the facts op.

Just to clarify-the poster that says 13 can't look 18 is talking nonsense-I was 5 '10 and had bigger boobs than I do now at 13-I've never been asked for id (bit old now!).

As for blokes lusting after teenage girls, I've worked in schools for decades and there are always male staff that have thoughts about the girls and I know of female staff that have had lustful thoughts about boys and girls...I know of none who acted on it-obviously I would have reported them to the police if they had. It's horrid they have the thoughts, but if no action has been taken then there is no crime.

The 'underage' titled porn is available on 'on demand' on my tv-hardly unusual however distasteful.

I would talk it out and see how you feel from there op.

there is nothing "virile" about a bloke that lusts after 13yo girls, then feels the need to get his disgusting thoughts down on paper

Holy shit. What is wrong with some people. Describing children. Not women in the context of hot now. The mind boggles.

Yes I've seen some of the clothes....so? That's like saying a girl deserves to be raped because she is wearing a short skirt. Men can control themselves you know. It's got nothing to do with clothing. WTAF has her clothes got to do with anything? He was still writing sexually about her, despite knowing her age. Jesus wept.

The girl in the op was THIRTEEN you can definitely tell the difference between a 13-18 year old. Those that know/have men that tell them different. Well it says a lot about them. Sorry.

As for blokes lusting after teenage girls, I've worked in schools for decades and there are always male staff that have thoughts about the girls and I know of female staff that have had lustful thoughts about boys and girls

How do you know this?

And people wonder where the "she was asking for it" train of thought comes from!

I take it you women who think it's normal for a 30/40 something man to perv over schoolgirls havent yet got teenaged daughters?

I think Op's already decided its not a deal breaker in any way, just as well that she has no daughters then.
If my 46 year old husband was fantasising about teen girls and writing his thoughts about them down on paper, he would be out of the door.
Damn those 14 year olds with their hot bodies, tempting those poor, poor men. Isn't that what paedophiles say to excuse their preferences?