Husband and teens?

[blackraven12]

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

I think at the very least you need to speak with a third party. Unless he can acknowledge that he has some odd ideas I doubt you'll be able to look past this.

That he's so defensive would concern me enormously.

I certainly don't think he is/was/going to be an abuser. I know its just in his head, thoughts etc.

I suppose you have to ask yourself :
"Do you still love him.
Do you trust him.
Are you prepared to leave him over this.
Is it going to cause a rift between you.
Can you/should you forget it."

Yes I trust him not to do anything real about any thoughts he has/had.
No I'm not going to leave him over a thought he wrote in a diary 8 years ago (obviously would if anything had actually had happened)
Well I certainly see him in a different light now.
And no I could try but I'll never forget it.

Well that is your choice op. You say you don't know what to do. Well that's because you don't want to leave him, and are going to in effect turn a blind eye to the fact he is sexually interested in underage girls.

That's your look out and your choice. Yes you will be on tenterhooks. But think about the poor girls he is leering at and making uncomfortable.They have no choice.

You can't possibly ever know if he is an abuser. After all he thinks of 13 year old girls in a sexual manner. I almost feel from your posts. That the concern is not for them, or his nasty thoughts. It's like you feel you are no competition for them :(

This man has no respect for you at all and I do believe yes he is dangerous to teenage girls. He does. It see what he has done is wrong, it's justifiable as "they look older" which means he is of that mindset.

So good luck, I think you'll need it.

He's still at it though isn't he OP. It's not only about the 8 years ago diary entry, all that's done is confirm his warped sexual preferencences.

I don't see how you can be sure about anything at all but you can only hope that you are right about it just being in his head (for years and years???)

Good luck anyway, it has to be up there with the hardest things to be able to accept and/or deal with for anyone...

I really do think you should seek some prof advice and help with this...and he obviously needs prof support and help too...good luck with that too.

What are you going to do OP, ban your sons female friends from the house or sit there knowing he's a perve and let it go on under your nose? I'm so sorry for you OP but men like him should be locked up and the keys thrown away.

and most men, or women for that matter...would be ashamed and never want to repeat making a mistake in admiring/being attracted to someone and then realising that the person was a child in fact....(I'd be disgusted with myself personally)

A person repeatedly for years ....seeking, staring, leching (esp in public and in front of their partner) ...recording sexual thoughts and feelings about a child in a diary.....there are huge implications here...you are burying your head/ turning a blind eye...that's culpable and aiding and abetting a crime you know????

You need help OP....now!

Ugh :(

Sorry if I've missed this BTW but how did he actually know this girl?

He hasn't committed a crime.....at least.....from the op he hasn't.....although behind closed doors? Who knows?

Op reminds me of someone I know. Her DH was a letcherous bastard. Known by everyone as the one who, looked, touched, leaned over, got to close to young girls. Everyone, upon everyone used to talk about him with disgust. Them his poor wife who seemed oblivious and he treated her like shit also.

Until one day, the man went too far. All those years of having strong sexual urges to early teen girls. Spilled over into a sexual assault. The worst bit is and I shit you not. The wife still turned a blind eye and treated the girl concern with utter contempt, like she was an OW . This thread reminds me of that.

I do believe that a mature man seeking/searching the web for teen girls to look at, etc is a crime...is it not???

OP is aware of this fact too...isn't that aiding and abetting this crime???

Ask any police person about this and with sufficient witness or evidence they would be getting a warrant to remove any pc's for further investigation and detaining the suspect for questioning....

We all like a good judging of others here on mumsnet, so many people, so many assumptions!

Yes, his lecherous statements are offhand, albeit he never expected you to read them. Its a bit like someone accessing your thoughts eg you would think that man is wearing horrendous clothes but you wouldnt actually say it.

The statements are a bit disturbing considering the age of the girl. However, he hasnt done anything wrong or illegal, and we arent living in the world of Minority Report yet where people are punished for crimes they havent yet commited.

I would wonder what would happen if a pretty girl fancied him though and asked him to have sex with her. Would he say no out of loyalty for you?

Again, who knows, but if you can live with this new information, personally I would just leave it.

whatthewhatthebleep - its not a crime to search the internet for teen girls. Teen encompasses the ages of 16-19 as well. Pre-teen is illegal.

I know I'd be really unnerved if it were my husband, like the op said he still had very inappropriate thoughts when he knew the girl was 14 and just because it was written 8 years to go can you be sure he wouldn't write exactly the same thing now if he kept a diary?

How young is too young? what if the girl had been 12? Where's the cut off between acceptable/unacceptable?

Obviously we don't know how we'd react until it happened to us but I'm 99.9% sure that I'd go off my hubby if he was into young girls, it just sets off a very unnatural feeling in me and I think I'd lose respect for him.

It is pretty weird and I'd be disturbed.

The simplest explanation that men always want what they have not got. When they are 20 they dream of older women. When they actually reach the age of the older women, well of course they now want younger women instead.

Your bloke has mostly been around women in their forties for the last 10 years and it follows that he now wants something different.

I'd have to raise it. I'd say I found what turned out to be a diary, looked to see what it was / how old it was prior to dumping it and found what I found.

Yes, all men get to 40 and the start fantasising about fucking 14 year olds. Nice bit of man-hating there Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, have you read the whole thread? Blackraven has already spoken to her Husband about finding the diary.

zippey ...apologies you need clarification on under 16's being teen's...I'd have thought my meaning was obvious when I'm following the thread and commenting on the facts within it

nitpicking????...yes....now clarified?...yes...duh!!!!

I think what zippy was meaning. That he's looked for teen porn. This is kinda misleading. As its just for the majority of it. Young, pert, 18-19 year olds and does not pretend otherwise. Some more murkier stuff, does allude to under 18s.

Just mainstream teen porn is not illegal sadly. Neither is fantasising over underage children.

So from the op he has not broken any laws. That is what she has clarified.

Either way, I do see what you are saying. I'd be gobsmacked after years of inappropriate behaviour amd thoughts wrt to young girls. If it isn't acted on, or has been.

The thing that would really worry me, is yes op has sons....girlfriends are going to come home soon, if they are presumably hetro. Grand kids etc. Family will have girls. The man does not have any boundaries at all.

But whatthewhatthebleep, if you are going to report him to the police as you advocate in a previous post then the accused needs to be breaking a law. In the OP's initial post, she says her DH was google searching for "teen bodies" - this is not illegal.

Thats why I was nit-picking, because you are suggesting this may be a matter for the police to deal with, and the OP may be "aiding and abetting". These are serious allegations esp when the accused is innocent.

I hope that clears things up.

"We all like a good judging of others here on mumsnet, so many people, so many assumptions!

Yes, his lecherous statements are offhand, albeit he never expected you to read them. Its a bit like someone accessing your thoughts eg you would think that man is wearing horrendous clothes but you wouldnt actually say it.

The statements are a bit disturbing considering the age of the girl. However, he hasnt done anything wrong or illegal, and we arent living in the world of Minority Report yet where people are punished for crimes they havent yet commited.

I would wonder what would happen if a pretty girl fancied him though and asked him to have sex with her. Would he say no out of loyalty for you?

Again, who knows, but if you can live with this new information, personally I would just leave it."

Thank you zippey. As I said several times I know he wouldn't cheat with whatever age of female. And Houseofplain he does not act like a lecherous bastard or anything like one, and we've been in plenty of situations where there's been teenagers around. There's been 2 instances since I've know him the checkout girl and the teen bodies.

I think he saw the girl at a friends(married couple) house going off the diary entry.
Only one son 17 yrs lives at home the other is 27.

So according to you op, it's not a problem he has sexual feelings towards a teen and we've got him all wrong?

So why post? I don't understand? Genuinely if it's not all that bad, why the concern?

my possible mis-reading of the OP...I'm possibly assuming (wrongly perhaps) that the trolling for 'teen bodies' is unlikely to be anything to do with age appropriateness (could be whatever he is finding attractive) and he doesn't have 'normal' boundaries and I think it is apparent that his web trolling WON'T be limited to legal ages at all and will be the whole spectrum whatever he comes across....

My post was referring to the OP having knowledge about this behaviour and evidence he has been recording his feelings towards a 14yr old child....and the implication's involved with this....and the years that she has been aware of this for....etc....

Of course it's a problem I didnt say it's not all that bad .
I'd rather stick to the facts that I know instead of some people presuming what he's going to do or has done and suggesting informing the police etc.

and the years that she has been aware of this for....etc...

I've know him 4 years the teen porn thing happened 2 years ago. The diary I read two days ago was from 8 years ago.

@ sugarice

oops, sorry - didn't realise there were 4 pages, only got as far as p1...