Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and teens?

385 replies

blackraven12 · 08/08/2012 14:13

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

OP posts:
Original poster
blackraven12 · 09/08/2012 10:34

Well I decided to tell him I'd read parts of the diary.

When he came home from work I was in the garden he came outside and we chatted for a bit then I told him I'd found the book but didn't realise it was a diary. He was a bit "so you read my diary!" When I asked him about the comments about 'sarah' he said she looked older than she was. I said yes but you still put she was cute and sexy even when you knew her age. He said yeah but I thought she was older.
I said what with this and the 'teen bodies' and staring at that young checkout girl it seems you have a liking for teenagers? He rolled his eyes and said for godsake. I asked him what he'd think if I'd have written about one of my sons 14 year old mates being cute and sexy. He just looked at me got up went back in the house and ate his tea!

So all I kept getting was "well she looked older". The atmosphere was strained to say the least. How can you have a chat when the other person wont talk?
He got up this morning and was all bright and breezy before going to work.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 10:39

He sounds like one of those child abusers, mentioned a couple of posts ago.

"well she looked older" as their defence. As if it makes it all ok, and absolves them of every responsibility. I couldn't live with a man like this tbh, I'd always be wondering if he has done anything illegal. The whole "she looks older" is the excuse these types have for everything.

It's just not normall to have fantasies about a 14 year old, it's just not.

Also fro, your last post. He does not seem to respect you or your opinion at all. So there is that ontop of being a pervert. Why are you still with him?

FermezLaBouche · 09/08/2012 10:41

How can you have a chat when the other person wont talk?
You can't. So you have to decide how much it bothers you. Can you forget you ever saw it and not bring it up again? Or will you always be wondering and feeling on edge when a pretty teenage girl is about?
I really feel for you, blackraven I hope you get this sorted. The whole thing would make me feel wildly uncomfortable and I don't think I could get past it.

Original poster
blackraven12 · 09/08/2012 10:50

Or will you always be wondering and feeling on edge when a pretty teenage girl is about?

Yes this is what I'm thinking too.
I'm going to have to bring it up again but I can't think of anything he could say to explain the second entry.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 10:55

There is nothing at all. You asked him about it already. He gave you the stock response "I thought she was older".

So that's ok in his mind, that allowed him to still feel sexually towards her. Which IMO males him quite dangerous really. That's just horrible.

sugarice · 09/08/2012 10:56

I had a feeling he's get arsey about you reading his diary. Well he hasn't answered your questions with anything approaching honesty has he and to just go to work this morning as if that's the end of that discussion is astounding. Glad to hear that you're going to bring it up again but he'll just block and deny I suspect.

Original poster
blackraven12 · 09/08/2012 10:56

Houseofpain I know what you're saying but I wouldn't consider him dangerous at all. I KNOW he wouldn't do anything if real life as it were.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 11:00

You do really? This man who is quite openly attracted to teenagers, who makes you feel uncomfortable. What about the poor girls? I can bet you that 14 year old knew his interest, how do you think she felt? Not all 14 year old are up for being made to feel uncomfortable.

A man who allows himself to feel sexually towards a 14 year old knowing her age because she looks older. Is not one I'd say is safe around teenage girls tbh. Sorry.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 09/08/2012 11:04

That's because there isn't an explanation.

He's never going to come out and say "yeah, I knew she was 13 but I didn't care, I thought a 13 year old was sexy". He is going to keep trying to avoid the subject and saying she "looked" older.

You know the truth and the truth is he thought she was sexy and his only problem with her age is what other people might think of him as a result.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 09/08/2012 11:06

We keep saying "Sarah" was 14 but remember as he described it himself she was "only nearly 14".

That's 13 years old. A child.

FermezLaBouche · 09/08/2012 11:08

Hmm. I don't know. I obviously don't know your husband, but I do think when people are sexually attracted to someone, there's always a danger of them acting on it.
Also, am I right in thinking he carried on writing how sexy and cute the girl was even when he discovered she was only 13? That's the bit that makes me uneasy.

sugarice · 09/08/2012 11:08

Do your Sons have Girlfriends? Blackraven

Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 11:10

Yes 13-14 either way. Still children, whatever age.

Original poster
blackraven12 · 09/08/2012 11:10

Yes really I do. You can't know if he showed any interest in this girl i.e. flirting and neither can I. I know he wouldn't flirt, chat up a teenager.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 11:19

I'm not talking about flirting....just a sense of general uneasiness. It's hard to hide such feeling of attraction. Body language etc, gives it away.

Much like the staring you describe in the shop.

puds11 · 09/08/2012 11:21

I would be worried that my DH was one of those creepy men that teenagers try to avoid because they touch inappropriately etc. I have had many men including family members do this to me and it is truely awful.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this black

Original poster
blackraven12 · 09/08/2012 11:22

Yes Fermez only two entries and the second was, after he knew her age "she really does not look 14 but shit she is cute and sexy". That's the bit I'm having problems with.
I asked how old did she look and he said 18. I said what would you have done if she had been and he said nothing.

No sons dont have girlfriends.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/08/2012 11:32

There is NO WAY a 13 year old looks 18!

Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 11:32

That's exactly what I'm trying to say puds. He sounds like the "Pervy uncle Rodger". That's only something you can decide if you can live with op.

If he's so blatant with it too, staring etc, he will make these girls uncomfortable.

It shows a lack of respect to you, which is unsurprising as it does not sound like he does anyway.

The reason you are uncomfortable with it op, is much like everyone else. It's wholly wrong and your "d" h is showing he still thinks of a thirteen year old child sexually. Despite knowing her age. That's why it's bothering you. It's disturbing.

sugarice · 09/08/2012 11:41

Only you can decide where you go with this knowledge you now have.The sense of unease that you have isn't going to go away and when your boys do bring girlfriends home you're going to be on your guard and watching your Husband like a hawk. My dh is a similar age to yours and I know I would be living on my nerves if I was in your position. Take care.

fiventhree · 09/08/2012 11:45

Well he clearly has more than just a passing interest in young girls, doesnt he, regardless of how far he would act on it- and whether he would or not is un unknown.

This is a man with very poor boundary control, to say the least.

For me, this would be an issue for counselling.

The phrase 'for god's sake' is not much reassurance , is it?

Original poster
blackraven12 · 09/08/2012 11:52

Thank you for all your replies. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
sugarice · 09/08/2012 12:11

I suppose you have to ask yourself :

Do you still love him.
Do you trust him.
Are you prepared to leave him over this.
Is it going to cause a rift between you.
Can you/should you forget it.

whatthewhatthebleep · 09/08/2012 12:11

I don't suppose you thought he was a man who would be lusting after teenager's ...before you realised he was doing it in front of you....???

and I don't suppose you had a loud alarm bell going off in your head until you found this diary thing with entries relating to 4+ years ago????

so...it's not a new interest, it's not a healthy, acceptable interest...he's written entries in a diary??? omg!!!...this is serious enough for him to be needing to record his thoughts and feelings about. He has been accessing web sites to look at teen's

and still you don't believe he is capable of flirting, etc with teen's and who knows what else????

I'm sorry...this likely goes further and you just can't accept the possibility is there

child abuser's come in all shapes and sizes and walks of life...it isn't tattooed on their forehead....you can't be sure of anything with this.

Make contact with someone in the profession and get some advice about this...
My belief is that things start off low key and develop and manifest into more and more involvement and can lead to all sorts over time and the not getting caught out adds fuel to the belief that it's ok in these people's minds...the boundaries erroded and the capability increases

you need advice...esp that your boys probably have female young friends coming around the house regularly...

I'd wonder if I could trust a person further than I could spit if I was in your position right now

MissFaversam · 09/08/2012 12:18

How awful for you op. He's a sleeze in my book and remember you can't change a persons sexual preferences ever. Once a paedo always a paedo.