Husband and teens?

[blackraven12]

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

"but as long as he hasn't acted on it"

But he HAS acted on it.

He had sex with a teenage girl without knowing she was over the age of consent.

She wasn't. She was 13.

I think that makes him a rapist.

notinmylifetime I suggest you go and educate yourself about the myths that exist around how women (girls in this case, ffs) dress should mitigate for unwanted sexual attention from men

have you seen any of the MN "I Believe You" campaign ?

that would be good place to start

I am also reporting your post as promoting the idea that the things you wear and the way you behave makes it more understandable for men to not be able to help themselves ... made 10 times worse by the fact we are talking about children here

I have to say, I've found some of the responses on this thread pretty fucking revolting.

Oh just reread and see he didn't actually say he shagged her.

Do grown men really write diaries about the girls (actual girls - boak) they fancy?

I'm just trying to work out how someone can rationally come to the concept. That sexualising a 13yo. Talking about her as a sexy is even remotely linked to her clothes. That is may somehow be "understandable". I really don't think I've ever been so disgusted.

have you seen some of the clothes available for teenage children??? it's more hooker chic than famous five, let's put it that way. we don't know what these girls looked like and until we do, well - how can we judge?

And? What does it matter what they wear? You can still tell how young they are no matter what they wear or in a much make up they use. Its clear by the way they move, speak and the underdevelopment of the hips. Even if they have breasts, they don't have properly developed hips.

Even if a bloke was mistaken for a moment it wouldn't last long.

I always remember that stupid woman that used to be married to Chris Evans saying that she thought it was fine for older men to sleep with young girls because they are more mature, wear make up etc . . . I wanted to punch her through the screen! A young girls maturity should be judged on her age and nothing else because at 13 she has the same life experience as a 13 year old boy. The fact the fact can look older is neither here nor there!

Blackraven if you're still reading this thread I hope the chat with h goes ok.You are in a position none of us would want to be in, it's the 'itch you can't scratch' idea; whatever he says to reassure you it may still eat away at you. Come back and say how it went if you're up to it, take care. Remember support will be here if you need or want it.

Two thoughts: if he has letched at young girls in your company he isn't fully in command of himself, as no respectable mature adult that I know would want a witness to that sort of behaviour.

And as the mother of a flirty, pretty 13 year old with a 34DD bra size there is no way I would allow her in your house if I was privy to what you have just revealed on this thread about your DH's interest in young women, even if I felt he was unlikely to act on his desires by engaging in abuse.

TBH anyone who allows the dirty old man in them to slip out in front of their spouse is what I would describe as a bit 'sexually incontinent'. Not nice. I would tell him to get a grip.

Most of us would be uncomfortable with this, and I think the OP is too. Certainly, she now has enough information to keep a much closer and more critical eye on the situation.

However, the way in which he handles the conversation tonight is likely to be relevant- ie whether he is dismissive or open and understanding.

Agree with MN Disgusting. I started periods at 10. I was still a fucking CHILD WITH TITS at 14. Vile.

Just what? What could he do when she looked like a woman?

Not call her a sexy little *** and dangerous.

The only one dangerous here is a man talking about a thirteen year old in such a manner.

What could he do? Get a fucking grip and see her as the child she is. Men aren't led by their penis.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I work with children. I have known some girls start their periods at age 8. I wonder what not would say about that.

Then again, I think it's pretty obvious what it would say about that

And was shocked to discover she was 13. It's like he knew it was wrong to lust after someone so young but what could he do when she looked like a fully matured woman?

What is this attitude of yours that men have no control of themselves!

She looks her age. You can tell. You have proved nothing. Just what a stupid fucking view you have.

It must be the clothes....men can't control themselves.

Seriously have a fucking word with yourself.

not Do you reckon on seeing this Rebecca Black talk, walk, conduct herself, interact with people, interact with sleazy older men - it wouldn't be apparent she was THIRTEEN? What a very lucky girl to have stylists to do her hair and makeup in such an adult way.

The point is, when the OP's husband found out the object of his lust was a CHILD of 13, he didn't feel shame and curb himself, he carried on lusting with the disclaimer "she doesn't LOOK like a kid"

point made ?

no

the only point you make here is you have a fucked-up view of what constitutes childhood and how it relates to sex

I think its important to stick to facts here regarding the OP's situation. DH has looked at other girls, and written down in a diary that he finds an under-age girl hot, and wished she were older, as she is too young at the moment. So he hasnt committed any crime, in fact you could say he has restrained and told himself off for thinking these thoughts. I believe we are defined by our actions, rather than what we say or think, therefore I think he isnt half as bad as many on here are saying.

The OP has to decided wether she can tolerate this situation. I would say that guys will look at porn, they will admire beauty, and maybe even fatasise about it. We have to stop thinking that we can police or shape other peoples thoughts.

I hate all the judginess on these forums. The OP is a real person with a real life, but people here are telling her that her husband may be an abuser, that she should leave him etc, for a situation which, to be frank, is not that serious. Im not even sure she should have confronted hubby about it.

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