Husband and teens?

[blackraven12]

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

Wow. This is a really disturbing thread. Surely if someone mistakes a 13yr old for a woman (trying to think, but suppose it can - longshot- maybe happen) then once they realise their age doesn't a switch go off in their head?

I remember going to watch my DS play football, at half time we glanced across at another match. My friend and I said, ooh this looks good (6footers, very fit) then someone said they were U16s. Straight away that switch went.

It could be compared to a straight man being attracted to a beautiful woman with an attractive figure, lovely dress sense and sparkling smile.

After chatting to her it becomes apparent that it's actually a man in drag. Cue bucket of cold water over hot desire.

The bloke aint going to say, hmm pity that cute, sexy man isn't a woman, he's smoking hot!

In fact, said bloke, would probably not mention it at all in his diary.

Making a mistake is one thing, continuing to feel and even supposedly fight against that attraction when he knows the truth is another.

I couldn't read past page 2 of that other forum, the posts were so fucking depressing :(

I agree StuntGirl - some of the responses were shocking.

I don't blame the OP for her decision though. I liken it to the start of an abusive relationship. Little lines get crossed (OK for some here huge lines have been crossed, but for the OP, she can argue he's done nothing illegal, his explanations "could" be true, no-one has been hurt, hell even a load of people on another forum agree with her...) - you accept things.

Then usually, more and more things happen, until one day something you just can't ignore happens.

It's very very difficult to explain unless you've been in a controlling and/or abusive relationship (or in this case relationship where unacceptable things are happening.) It's very very slow, you doubt yourself, you stop understanding quite what is acceptable and what isn't, you start saying "well no relationship is perfect and most of the time we are fine". It might be linked to self esteem. Feeling disgusted by people in this position is sad (though I can see where that feeling is coming from).

I have been in an abusive relationship. I know how it feels but I find it hard to understand people who don't hit their rock bottom when it becomes apparent the abuse is not just affecting them anymore. That's what I find hard to take.

And I know that actually you don't need to accept things fully to take action to keep things safe anyway.

Yes I agree with you, and I do understand your last post. The thing is, either someone in this position can

• just about argue to herself that no-one else has been affected here if she doubts it - no-one has been hurt or even knows about what he did/ does

- argue that he is telling the truth, because "she knows him/ we don't etc etc". - argue that "every man could find an underage girl attractive, after all lots of 13 year olds look 18 these days"

The OP has every reason to argue any of that - this is her whole life at stake - her relationship/ her home/ her belief in this man.

I don't agree with her decision at all - I would like to scream "get out". I said more than once she needs to seriously think about it.

I think she will be subconsciously or maybe consciously watching out for stuff now though. And whatever she has said about trusting him, she posted enough times on both forums questioning about it "not being right" for her to have big doubts underneath.

Actually, it's an interesting debate, but I feel a bit uncomfortable discussing the OP on her own thread. Really sorry if what I've said has been offensive to her/ to you OP if you're still reading. I think I will hide this thread now.

I agree Offred. She's willing to put her children's friends/girlfriends in danger?

No sympathy.

So depressing

Why is there even a debate on this thread?

A man leering at young teens is not normal and this is extremely worrying

The fact his diary entry expressed disappointment that Sarah was younger than he thought says it all - he knows his feelings and urges are wrong. He feels just about ok and 'normal' if he is lusting over a 17 year old...when he finds out she's 13 he thinks 'damn too young to be allowed to lust after her'. Though of course he still is.

Now op's predictably u-turned with the the usual 'we have a wonderful marriage and you are a nest of man hating vipers who have twisted my words'

Op - my dh isn't perfect but I am thanking God I am not married to your husband right now