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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and teens?

385 replies

blackraven12 · 08/08/2012 14:13

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/08/2012 22:16

they did here too (but definitely the minority here)

Houseofplain · 13/08/2012 22:18

Yeah she will be. I could tell, I really could. Even when I got slated for being hysterical. Women like this talk in a certain manner, I know, I know one.

They see it as all about keeping their man, no matter what. How attractive they are, the attention, the sex. The talk of tenterhooks. That's because, if you go back. She was worried how he'd react around young girls, how much he would oggle them. They are ows.

Unfortunately. There is a small minority of people who will always, see the best. As their husbans do it too, they are men who do it too, their dads do it too, etc.

So ops like this use the scattergun approach. If they push on for long enough, and hard enough, in lots of places. Blurring reality, with what's been said. They'll get one comment, which justifies what they are doing. Staying with a nonce. It's desperation.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 22:36

Sometimes I wonder if it's just their self esteem is so, so pathetically low it's like, 'well any man -even a dangerous pervert- is better than NO man!

MagicHouse · 13/08/2012 22:47

No, it's not that. It's because she's been with him ages, because "other than these (few) things he's lovely", because he's very believable, and she will genuinely accept what he says. Because dealing with it means breaking up a relationship that is "often great". Because he tells her he loves her and not to be silly thinking ridiculous things, and she will hear all the lovely things. All those things (excuses) that you hear women saying again and again and again.... - it's different on the inside - you genuinely don't see it as others do.
It makes me sad.

Offred · 13/08/2012 22:54

If he really says all those things to her and she didn't think he was being sexually attracted to these girls she would not be worried. Really being frank, there would be no problem.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 22:57

Educate me here, I'm genuinely confused.

She obviously knows deep down it's wrong. She has children who will bring home friends/girlfriends. This must worry her.

Why, if she knows it's wrong (and I get the very strong impression from the emotion in her posts she does,) how can she live with it/herself?

I'm young and have never been married, no kids so far. Educate me? Because I just don't understand why and it's weighing on my mind big time. I just keep thinking about her sons, being so proud of their new girlfriend while their stepfather has a hard on over them. :(

anairofhopeFORGOLD · 13/08/2012 23:00

I would and should be shocked but im not.

Im sure there is some resureach into why women support men who are criminals, abusers even to their own children. Some from fear but others from a twisted sence of love or an abused past themselves.

Its horrible and sad and terrorfying but it happens more often than we probable know :(

AnyFucker · 13/08/2012 23:07

lurking

have a read around cognitive dissonance

you will find the explanation somewhere in there

human nature, eh ?

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 23:15

So essentially, (as Wiki put it) The Fox and the Grapes?

Houseofplain · 13/08/2012 23:20

But she does not think its wrong. That is the point. Look very, very carefully. I spotted it, but I know others did too, some got it, some took a while.

Look very, carefully at the words she is using. Look at the scenarios that strike fear into her heart.

It is not the fact he fancies teenagers which is the problem. Its that he is looking and getting off on other "women" apart from her. Be it porn, in the shop, a friends 13yo. She knows as a middle aged? Woman she will never have a teen body. So she cant satisfy this for him.

THAT is what bothers her. The fact she has to compete with these "sexy" man stealing children for her husbands affections. Not that the target of said affections is children.

Offred · 13/08/2012 23:23

House the cognitive dissonance is about not thinking the girls are girls but women but still feeling uncomfortable about him perving over them. The saying he is not attracted to teenagers but seeing teenagers as competitive sexual interests.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 23:28

So basically, she just has no self esteem? :(

I feel guilty. I don't feel sorry for her. I always feel sorry for people with pathetically low self esteem as I'm one of them. Why can't I feel sorry that her self worth is so low she's staying with this creature? Confused

This is opening up a lot of confusion for me.

Offred · 13/08/2012 23:33

Because having low self esteem doesn't necessarily mean you are capable of being complicit in behaviour which harms others.

Houseofplain · 13/08/2012 23:38

I know. I was replying to lurking and took ages as I was on the phone. SO xposts

LordOfThe5Rings · 13/08/2012 23:41

I completely agree with this poster, though --->

The girls age is irrelevant for considerations of attractiveness. We are hardwired to find some traits attractive and there is a damn thing you can do about it. And the guy's age is also irrelevant. A guy in his 40s and a guy in his 20s will still find the same girls attractive. What you find physically attractive doesn't scale with your age.

Plenty of 14 year old girls look like grown women. In order to evaluate if your husband may have a problem you need to look at this girl and see if she looks like a child or a grown woman.

Here take a look at this very interesting poster:

itsybitsysteps.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/are-all-men-pedophiles.jpg

Now, show the girl on the poster to 100 men and i'm willing to bet the overwhelming majority of them will consider her beautiful and attractive. Yet, she is... 14 years old!

Yet it is most likely that those 100 men are indeed not pedophiles. They are attracted to certain traits that can show up in sexually mature girls. Our social construct that anyone bellow a certain age is a child that should be assexualized (age limits vary according to countries) is just that... A social construct. Biologically those constraints are ignored.

There isn't a grown man in existence that hasn't found an attractive girl who is underage. In fact i will outright call liar to anyone who claims he never found an underage girl attractive.

Having said that, the overwhelming majority of men don't act on those innate impulses. It is understood that there are a lot of reasons not to.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 23:42

Sorry for all the questions. Blush

Just find myself so deeply disgusted with this woman, and it's a feeling I've never felt before. Especially since, as my mum would say 'it's just some nut on the internet!'

But I'm deeply disturbed by this woman. Jealous of children and enabling a hebephile/ebephile.

Offred · 13/08/2012 23:44

That is just absolute crap lord if it were true then you would still be sexually attracted to 12 year old boys. My sexual attractions has certainly scaled with age and I don't think I can stick any "but men are different, they can't help humping everything with a hole" crap.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 23:44

A guy might go 'oooh she's hot!' but when they find out she's fifteen the attraction is instantly killed and they're disgusted with themselves (real scenario with an ex)

This guy wash fantasising and wishing she was older...And by older I mean 17...So he could...Ugh I can't say it.

Offred · 13/08/2012 23:46

she is also made up, photoshopped and white lighted and still looks like a teenager although it is undoubtedly less obvious than it would be if she had not had those things done to her. WTAF is that pro-sexual abuse man hating shit anyway

Offred · 13/08/2012 23:51

And again an attraction to "teenage bodies" is not mistakenly finding out a girl who looks 19 is 14, it is not writing about her being sexy cute and dangerous again when he knows she is 14 and then later being found searching for porn of teenage bodies.

LordOfThe5Rings · 13/08/2012 23:53

But it doesn't mean acting on it is alright though as it's disgusting (no need to flame me, I hate paedophiles as found out my ex was one...)

AnyFucker · 13/08/2012 23:54

of course men (and women) will find that girl in the poster attractive

she is attractive

but would most men want to shag her, call her "dangerous" and wish she was older (so they could shag her and not go to jail) ?

erm, no

for the hundredth time, peadophilia is sexual attraction to children prior to puberty

that girl (in the OP, and in the poster), is past puberty, it isn't paedophilia, so not sure why so many people get the terminology wrong, even when it is pointed out to them

Lord , in other words, your post was jarring, misplaced and not really on the point

but carry on if it makes you feel better about the men in your life

LordOfThe5Rings · 13/08/2012 23:55

Yes but woman look for different things in attractiveness. Woman mature as far as their bodies are concerned much quicker than men. You don't find a 12 year old attractive because he hasn't got the proper masculine traits.

I am not saying it's alright, I'm not saying it's good but it's an evolutionary thing. If the man acts on it, it's wrong but if that is just the science behind it they know this but don't act on it, to me that makes sense.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2012 23:55

but would most men want to shag her, call her "dangerous" and wish she was older (so they could shag her and not go to jail) ?

all this knowing she was only 14 of course

LordOfThe5Rings · 13/08/2012 23:57

I don't think you can say that any of that is pro sexual abuse, talk about jumping the gun. Man finds someone who looks 18 attractive, he must be a sexual predator therefore he must be a rapist/willing to force someone into sex. What the hell, are you listening to yourselves here?

Yes once he knows, he obviously should not act on it. If he does, he is breaking the law and being a vile man and if he doesn't, then he has done the right thing and realised he has made a terrible mistake.