Husband and teens?

[blackraven12]

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

Is it just me or is there a lot of bullying on here; people trying to foist their opinions on the OP? Most with good intensions no doubt, but what happens? You scare away the person you want to help.

Advice should be considered, and jumping on the "leave him"/"call the police"/"he's a potensial pedophile" bandwagon dont really help anyone. You have to have thick skin to post on MM!

The guy wrote that he found a girl of 13 attractive, he thought she looked older, and slammed himself for thinking such thoughts. He wrote it as his private thoughts in a diary.

He maybe has issues, but maybe not. But he hasnt committed any crimes, and until he does so, I think his diary comments should just be dismissed as "laddish nonsense". I think the OP is right in dismissing much of the alarmist advice given on here. She knows herself, she knows her DH and good luck to her.

Zippey, he didn't slam himself for having thoughts about a 13 yaer old. He knew she was 13 and continued being attracted to her.

He's not a potential paedophile btw, you either are a paedophile or you aren't, acting on t makes you a child abuser. OP's husband is a hebephile. Which means he's sexually attracted to teenage bodies.

In fact wasn't that the porn he looked up? creeps self out

It's not about the OP any more. She isn't going to listen, but other people read MN and the facts should be there for people who will listen.

Sadly, I think HouseofPlains has hit the nail square on the head. :(

Zippey - No-one has jumped on the "paedophile bandwagon" here. You already wrote on 09/08 at 21:55 that you don't think there is anything wrong with what the op has described and that you wouldn't even have confronted him.

Just because you disagree that it is serious doesn't mean that people who think it is are jumping on bandwagons and spouting unconsidered opinions. I think saying that is an underhand tactic designed to discredit and if so I would have to wonder why you would be so desperate to have everyone believe that this is fine that you would do that?

I have considered my opinion quite a lot thank you very much. I have never called the man an abuser or called him a paedophile. I agree with lurking's categorisation of him as a hebephile. There is nothing in what he wrote in his diary that "tells himself off" or restrains himself. Writing in a diary is not the same as having a private thought. People do not write all their private thoughts in their diaries, they choose to write the important thoughts that evoke strong feelings that they want to remember and relive, that is the point of a diary if he was ashamed or disgusted with himself he would either have not written it down or he would have written down that he was ashamed and disgusted with himself. He has written down the part of his thought that he wants to remember, that she was sexy and cute and dangerous and this was after he new she was 13, he wrote "as ever" and "again" which means he was ogling her repeatedly. If he was concerned about an overly sexualised child as he has said to his wife he just would not have written the actual things he wrote. He would have written what he wanted to remember - that he was concerned about so and so's daughter/child's friend/etc because she was so young and looked/behaved so much older. What he wrote actually sounds like a porn script.

Further than that when he was caught looking for porn he was using the term "teenage bodies" a teenage body is not a woman's body. He was not searching for porn which indulged a fantasy of youth or forbidden situations, involving adult women with adult bodies, the search term "teenage bodies" is a good indicator that his sexual fetish is the bodies of teenagers since that was specifically what he was searching for. I do not see how there can be any other explanation at all for that search which was for what he wanted to see.

It shows that when his wife has noticed him staring at teenagers the reason he is staring at them is his sexual attraction to teenage bodies, not that they are very pretty girls the poor man just can't help looking at and not just that staring so obviously at them on more than one occasion so hard that his wife notices and is irritated.

Let me say it again, a teenage body is not an adult one, a search for a teenage body in a porn context will turn up illegal porn because you have to be 18 to make porn and it isn't likely many 18 year olds will have bodies that pass as teenagers is it? That is an issue in itself that he may well be looking at illegal porn in a house with his wife and his wife's teenage sons. Whether you mean to deliberately look at illegal porn does not matter to the police.

Offread - That was a very considered responce. When I bemoan the lack of considered replies I dont mean to sweep everyone with the same brush. I will flag up your comment on the second paragraph, which maybe gives indications on the content of your entire post. My posting was not an underhand tactic to discredit other posters. With that, maybe you are over-analysing the OPs' original and subsequent posts. Your over-analysis from a few postings from the OP has led you to believe that:

• he is a hebaphile
• he wants to relive his thoughts in his diary
• he was not ashamed at his thoughts
• he was repeatedly ogling at her
• his whole diary extracts are similar to that of a porn script
• he has a fetish for teen bodies
• the reason for staing at teenagers is his sexual attraction of teen bodies
• He may be looking at illegal porn

All this from a few posts, from the OP's viewpoint. As with most forum posts we only see it from the posters side, we dont have the husbands side.

I hope you can see that all these points are subjective and open to debate. They are formed from your own pseudo psychology predjudices about OP's husbands behaviour eg you call the OP's husband a hebaphile, a label I do not think you are qualified to make.

If the OP's husband were to do anything illegal I probably would not be so lenient. But if the OP can live with him ogling other girls, with his diary extracts, then that is up to her. He hasnt broken any laws at all. We simply should not be judging a person for crimes they havent committed.

Anyway, I dont think we are going to agree on this, but it has been an interesting debate.

Since it's a bit of a circular argument and OP has made her choice on how to...'Deal' with this, I just wanted to respond to your argument that being a hebephile is open to debate. Everything else? Not in my opinion, but of course because not everyone shares my opinion.

what qualifications do you need exactly?

If someone is sexually attracted to teenagers, they are a hebephile.

If someone is sexually attracted to young children, they are a paedophile.

You and OP are of course welcome to believe what you want, but those are facts. Not liking them and them being ugly terms doesn't make them any less of a fact.

Oh, and many hebephile's and paedophile's have normal adult relationships. Doesn't change the fact they're attracted to minors.

Actually, on this topic, there is one thing open to debate. Whether he's a hebpephile (attracted to teenagers in early puberty) or an ebephile, who is attracted to later adolescence.

Since he's shown a preference for thirteen year old's, searched 'teenage bodies' for porn, and stared at 17 year old girls, he's most likely both.

But he's certainly not neither.

Ok zippey first the responses you disagree with are not considered and bandwagon jumping and then they are over analysing but you are not trying to discredit opinions you disagree with.

op has found a forum more to her taste anyway it seems

How did you find that?! Super sleuth.

OP must really want people to tell her this is okay. :(

And seems the posters saying she is thinking of teenagers as 'OW' are right. :(

Why isn't there a despair emoticon?!

Ok the following things you have misread from me as assumptions:
"- he is a hebaphile

• he wants to relive his thoughts in his diary
• he was not ashamed at his thoughts
• he was repeatedly ogling at her
• his whole diary extracts are similar to that of a porn script
• he has a fetish for teen bodies
• the reason for staing at teenagers is his sexual attraction of teen bodies
• He may be looking at illegal porn"

I have not called him a hebephile, I said I agreed with lurking's assertion that he probably was.

What I said is I think that there isn't another reason is there for writing in a diary? That is a sentence written in the subjective.

I wrote that he did not write that he was ashamed to correct when you said he did.

He wrote she was looking vomitvomitvomit "again" which means he had thought she looked vomit before which is repeatedly isn't it?

I wrote that the fact the search he did on the porn site was for "teenage bodies" demonstrates that that is specifically what he wanted to see and therefore is what he is sexually attracted to otherwise why is he using that extremely specific search term in a porn site?

It is not an assumption that doing a search for teenage bodies porn will turn up illegal porn whether he is seeking it or not, you cannot make a women have a teenage body, if that is what he is searching for then he will turn up illegal porn made using girls that are under 18 because it is not physically possible to find a number of adult women who have teenage type bodies is it?

You are grasping at straws there.

I told you didn't I? I could tell right from the beginning. That fucked up stance where she feels like she is competition against these ows. The sexy, naughty, young teenagers are no competition and may snare her man away from her.

Women like this will STOP at nothing to justify themselves staying with a nonce. Be it on forums, family, friends, by twisting it.

Next time you see a news article about say, a teacher, abusing a pupil. Look how many wives stick by them. Even when convicted. You'd be surprised.

Op is of this ilk.

I know, it made me mad how she is deliberately misrepresenting what was being said here so I know it was probably crappy of me to post it but

Trying to put my understanding hat on again but it's hard...

I was trying to find the MN thread on general Internet window on my iPhone and that was the first discussion result, the blurb at the top read the same and I realised it was the same person.

I find that really hard to understand house, really hard. Burying your head for self protection is one thing but that's something else.

It's not crappy. It just backs up everyone who has rightly been attacking her fucked up stance. You don't want shit like that on mn. AT ALL.

Especially not with the we believe you campaign. With some idiots even suggesting it could be the clothes

I'm afraid I have to agree House. And that's something I fight against very hard. (How could she not KNOW, etc etc.)

She's even said on that other thread how much attention he pays her and how he barely looks at other WOMEN because he's staring at minors and how he always tells her how sexy she is.

Does that sound like someone who is upset their husband is looking at young girls or someone who is upsettheir husband is looking at other women? :(

so, do we think troll or desperate woman looking for just one response to tell her that there is no harm in her husband ?

Fecking hell! Looks like she started this one the same day as that one.

I don't think she's a troll. Her responses are too angry/hurt/desperate for justification, not provocative (well, not on purpose.)

I assume her justification will come off all the bull on that other forum about 'it's just evolutionary!'

I don't know, I really would like to believe that she posted there, got some negative responses so thought she'd post her hoping for a "what a twat ogling people other than you" type of ltb response that would help her keep denying to herself.

tbh, she did get some "it's not even that bad (what he did/does)" responses on here

Oh my Offred what have you dug up here?

'Stay away from jail bait teens, they are nothing but trouble'

And again

Some of the replies on that thread will totally reassure the op that she's right to be concerned about young '***s in training' tempting her husband away.

Thankfully, still a lot of posters telling her that this is not normal or acceptable behaviour.

Tbh the marrying 13 year olds thing spouted on the other forum is bullshit. In those days women were wombs who were bought and sold for political or financial advantage. There is not evolutionary advantage in having sex with a woman until she is nearing optimal child bearing age (22) because pregnancy is riskier for children

Actually with troll stuff she copy and pasted her exact responses here and there, with a few words changed to match the respective forum.

I hope she is a troll. I don't want a woman like her or a man like him to exist. Unrealistic, I know.

Wait no, she trashed this forum so yep.

AND apparently she's looking up stories of wrongly convicted rapists/child killers/etc.

Oh God. She's real. :(

Unfortunately it looks like some people over there told her what she wanted to hear.