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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and teens?

385 replies

blackraven12 · 08/08/2012 14:13

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

OP posts:
anairofhopeFORGOLD · 12/08/2012 15:28

If you wrote something down five years ago would you remeber writing it or what you were thinging about?

I wouldnt.

You asked him not to look at porn and he did and then lied to you about it. What else is he lieing about?

How disrespectful to eye up others when with your wife the women you love and forsake all others for.

He sounds like a good catch, but i wouldnt want to be with him.

handstandCrabForwardRollGold · 12/08/2012 15:31

Ok blackraven although I'm not really sure why you posted then? What did you want to hear?

Original poster
blackraven12 · 12/08/2012 15:45

I didn't want to "hear" anything. I just wanted to correct Houseofplains any man is better than no man assumption really!

That's definitely it I'm off.
Thanks anyway for taking time to reply. This is my first post ever on a relationship forum and it's certainly been an eyeopener!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 12/08/2012 15:47

OP this is the thing that neither you nor your dh have been able to justify.

Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14

Then the entry after he knew she was only 13

Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever . . . she's one cute ,sexy *

what? 13 year old?

Shock

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy

No OP you are not overeacting. This diary entry alone says it all.

Seriously. Just this one fact. Do you honestly, truly, really believe that's an ok thing to think about a child?

Forget everything else, whether he may or may not be oggling young girls, or looking for teen porn. Forget that for now, just think about that diary entry. What kind of man describes a child that he knows to be 13 like that?

I'm so sorry, op. You have discovered something that will change all your perceptions of your dh. That's a lot to come to terms with but it won't ever go away. This is the man he is. If he could admit it, talk about it, get some counselling and do everything he can to ensure that he will never act on these impules, then maybe you could support him.

But as long as you both pretend that you think that diary entry is ok you have a problem. Bear that in mind when your sons bring home female friends, when you have grandchildren, etc.

Ignoring this carries serious consequences.

CagneyNLacey · 12/08/2012 15:55

Sorry op, but just taking it back to basics- normal adult men don't write in diaries about dangerously sexy 13 year olds. They just don't.

doinmummy · 12/08/2012 16:19

went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy

It sounds as if 'Sarah' is the daughter of friends. Black I cant imagine being in this situation, but it does ring alarm bells.

I would (gulp) have a conversation with him and try and make it seem that i was ok with his behaviour and see if it makes him open up a bit more.

sugarice · 12/08/2012 16:47

doinmummy, Blackraven has had the conversation with her H, twice. She has made it abundantly clear she is supporting him and moving on.

doinmummy · 12/08/2012 16:50

OOOps didn't read that bit. Blush

sugarice · 12/08/2012 16:57

Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound snippy Blush. Blackraven is happy with the explanations her h has given her regarding her concerns so I don't see why others keep posting trying to convince her otherwise. I imagine she has hidden the thread.

BlueSparkles · 12/08/2012 17:24

People keep posting because it is so obvious there is a problem. I speak from experience and know what it's like to shut your eyes to this. But the OP will have alarm bells going off deep down. I agree with the PP who said ignoring this has implications. Ignore it for yourself by all means, but the minute you have young girls in the house - keep an eye on his behaviour. The internet makes it very easy to start crossing boundaries, and blur the disctinction (for him0 about what and what isn't acceptable.

What he wrote about a 13 year old is NOT normal - that she's a "cute, sexy " - what's with the * - I can only imagine the term he wanted to write.....about a 13 year old.... and people think this ok????

Offred · 12/08/2012 17:28

What do you think is the definition of ogling then? Are you saying you didn't mean to give the impression that when he was "staring through the window" at the "very pretty girls" it was ogling?! Pah, back pedalling and burying hear in the sand there. So what you didn't use the word ogling, if he wasn't ogling what exactly are you concerned about, why would you even mention it on this thread and what the hell was the intention of his staring?

sugarice · 12/08/2012 17:28

But she isn't agreeing with what others are offering in terms of support and clearly doesn't want to listen. Hopefully she'll come back when/if something else kicks off and needs help and advice.

Offred · 12/08/2012 17:29

Sugarice- because black raven isn't the only one reading this thread.

Offred · 12/08/2012 17:32

What would be the point in saying "oh yes, sure it'll be fine, good luck"? Other people then read it on the public forum and think "oh MN says this is fine" - very idiotic but does actually happen. So when something like this is here, like when people post rape myths or victim blaming it isn't great to perpetuate a damaging view by leaving it unchallenged. If we were trying to convince the op we'd have stopped posting ages ago.

sugarice · 12/08/2012 18:19

Yes fair comment regarding others in a similar position reading, I was only thinking of the OP to be honest no-one else and didn't want her to feel frightened not to return. Apologies.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/08/2012 19:28

Only one poster misread the op and thought your husband had slept with the 13 year old, you keep mentioning that, as though that one posters error eradicates anything your husband may have done/would like to do/ re teenage girls.

Its not related.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/08/2012 20:20

Yes Im saying he's not sexually attracted to underage girls. He's not going round chatting any bloody women up so what you on about getting into trouble??? I've listed where people have changed words to make stuff seem worse can you not see that??

How can you say that when he has written down that he IS sexually attracted to young girls?! And confirmed by his internet searches? Seriously. Denial, denial, denial!

It doesn't matter what word here or there has been changed, the facts are the same.

LordOfThe5Rings · 12/08/2012 20:24

Nobody wants to hurt or upset you, at least I hope not. It is a topic people have very strong opinions on.

Fairenuff · 12/08/2012 20:31

And it is the safety of young girls that is at the forefront of our minds. How it affects op is secondary, at least it is for me. Sorry op, but making sure that he is not a threat to young girls has to be a priority. And forcing this into the open is one way of doing that. Sticking your head in the sand and hoping it all goes away means that he could continue to be a threat.

He may never act on these impulses. We understand that. He may never, ever push unwanted sexual attention on young girls. Hopefully he won't. He could be a perfectly decent man who would never do that.

But that doesn't mean that you pretend it's not a part of him.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/08/2012 20:42

He's not going round chatting any bloody women up so what you on about getting into trouble???

Don't you mean teenagers, not women? Interesting mistake there.

Houseofplain · 12/08/2012 21:59

Well yes poo poo. Like I said earlier. That same fucked up mentality is here.

Such a low opinion of herself, that she thinks of these teenage girls as ows, comeptition. Against her ageing body.

GhouliaYelps · 12/08/2012 22:36

Sorry but your husband sounds like a raging perv. That diary entry is quite horrific " cute and sexy as usual" so he had had his eye on her for a good while and she was only 13!!

It's just rank. I knew a guy like that when I was 14 at my place of work. He was just awful. I was a v tall, developed teen and I overheard him and another man talking about me the other guy said " she is just 14" and the sleazeball replied " that's old enough look at her"
pukes at memory

GhouliaYelps · 12/08/2012 22:38

Just re read it was " dangerous as ever" for how long had he been leering over this child? " cute sexy * " ... Shock get some self esteem OP Jees

PooPooInMyToes · 12/08/2012 23:28

Such a low opinion of herself, that she thinks of these teenage girls as ows, comeptition.

You're right. Shocking. Everything she has said points to this. Her Dh reassuring her that he fancies her etc. Like that matters!

Fucked up!

Offred · 12/08/2012 23:40

Don't be too unkind. Which is less horrific to believe that your husband is ogling other women because your body isn't as good as theirs or that he is sexually attracted to teenage bodies? Can understand how it happens but I hope there are some seeds of doubt planted now with the op, that's all I've been saying, what is the point in saying definitely he is not a problem and refusing to consider that he might be.