WWYD DH lending money again

[KatieMorag]

Dh has a long hiistory of lending our money to mostly family and friends without agreeing this with me first. Sometimes it gets paid back , sometimes not. We've had many many rows about this. He promises faithfully that he won't do it again. Then he does

Usually he lends money to his family. I don't mind if (a) we can afford it ( b) we get it back and ( c) we agree it between us. Sometimes we give money to family too, on the same conditions. This is because we are fortunate to be better off than most of our siblings.

About 10 years ago he borrowed £10,000 to lend to his sister. She never repaid it and it took us years to pay off the loan.

Last year he gave her £1,000 because she said she was in debt and couldn't pay her bills. She then took the money and went to Australia for a months holiday.

Earlier this year he lent a large sum of money to a colleague. By large I mean what I earn in a year. Today I discovered by accident that he's now lent this person another £10k.

I am so angry and Upset I can't even talk to him. It's not just the money, it's the lies , the deception and the broken promises. I don't know what to do.

[KatieMorag]

Employee has built extension onto his house. He couldn't remortgage as he had only been in post for a few months. So Dh feels " reposnsible".. ( yeah, because we forced him to leave his last company where he has been for years)

Of course employee could just have waited and done the work next summer.

Building work HAS been done ( have seen it) and costs seem reasonable for work . So I don't think employee is drinking/gambling/snorting it

[KatieMorag]

I am listening to the posts about getting another accountant BTW

[thisisthestory]

What the utter fuck happened that these people felt able to approach your DH for that sum of money? I just cannot imagine asking anyone for such an enormous amount . I would feel uncomfortable asking a friend for a tenner (I did this about a year and a half ago, and repaid it the next day, with a box of chocs as interest!)
Does he advertise himself as a no-repayments-ever lender?

[MNsFavouriteManHater]

but why is that your H's problem ?

no wonder this employee left his last post and came onboard with your company...your H is financing his whole life for him !

is the loan with interest ?

[KatieMorag]

Man-hater-the only way to realise my assets would be to sell company, as there's a lot in goodwill. Getting half of money in bank, assets and WIP would not be a good deal. Also company not ready to sell yet

Even if we get divorced I won't quit company

[MNsFavouriteManHater]

you have no idea what this bloke is doing with the money !

are you (or H) a building contractor ? Have you seen the building plans ? This employee could be siphoning any amount of money to do what the fuck he wants with. A vague idea that it looks ok on paper, that the loan amount "vaguely" matches the work done is naive in the extreme!

[kettlecrisps]

Haven't read whole thread (just OP and last couple of posts) and disclaimer: I aiin't no financial whizz - so sorry if I'm talking utter rubbish.

But - I was just wondering - these loans to "people" if they are definitely genuine? Or could they possibly be a way of DH giving money back to himself money? Money he could spend without you knowing?

[MNsFavouriteManHater]

I did say I was gobsmacked and had no words, didn't I ? < sheepish >

[KatieMorag]

Of course it's not our problem. It's not " problem" at all. they could just have waited a year. It's nit like his wife had a stroke and needed a ground floor bedroom/bathroom. They just wanted a bigger Kitchen.

Loan not with interest . There s no paperwork or schedule for repayment.

[MNsFavouriteManHater]

< dries up >

[VicWilcox]

I was going to say the same as kettlecrisps. Do you have proof from the recipient of the loans in terms of the amounts etc that they are 'receiving' from your H.

e.g. did he lend this employee 30k and give the other 30k to himself? or any other combination.

Sorry you are going through this. Lies like this really destroy marriages (been there). I think you need to assume that you just cannot believe anything that you have been told by your H or the accountant and get yourself some genuinely independent advice.

[KatieMorag]

Yes we know about buildings and it seems legit

Just about the only thing that is

Dh isn't siphoning off the money. He doesn't care about money.he spends very little on himself compared to most people with his income. He has a pathological need for people to like him and think he's a great guy. That's his drug. That and work. He doenst work for the money, he does it for approval.

[bamboostalks]

Are you sure he is loaning people cash and not a gambler? These are extraordinary sums. Could the accountant/employees be covering up?

[tribpot]

Sorry, I hadn't realised these were all massive and unjustified payments to one employee. there are some serious piss-takers in the world, it's a pity these two aren't married to each other!

[VicWilcox]

But Katie, has this employee said to you 'Gosh, thanks for the 60k you have lent me'. Or has your H said 'Oh yeah, I've given X a loan for 60k'.

The 'loans' may be bullshit. Is he gambling? Being blackmailed? Who the fuck borrows 60k from their employer for no interest?

[VicWilcox]

Am not getting cross at you btw, just your H! I really feel for you.

[KatieMorag]

Yes I know money went into the employees account, it shows up on the online banking. I've checked.

I now have Dhs widget and card for online banking and will change his password tonight . So he can't authorise any more transactions from business

Although yesterday's £10k came from his personal account

What a bloody mess. I can't decide whether Hagen das or red wine is tonight's drug of choice

[CinnabarRed]

We're here for you. Don't panic. The situation with the company/accountant is definitely fixable now you know about it.

May I ask, is your accountant a high street guy? If he is then the chances are your business had outgrown his capabilities anyway. I work for one of the Big 4 and you don't want us either - look for a reputable mid-tier firm for whom your business will be a prize worth their while to look after you very well and who will have the expertise to deal with your company, but who won't sting you over hourly rates.

Your relationship with DH may be fixable too provided that he acknowledges that he needs help and goes out and gets it. You're clearly not short of disposable cash, he can pay for counselling himself without having to wait for NHS treatment. But get help he must. For all your sakes.

[kettlecrisps]

Yes, I think you should have an eye to eye conversation with each of the people that have been loaned without forewarning your DH.

You may find out more than just the exact amounts s i.e. do they look panicked, sheepish, struggling to get story straight etc?

It doesn't really add up "wanting to be liked". I know it does to you as you know him. But it's like anything if it sounds too good to be true it usually is. I'd be digging deeper and not inclined to believe a word from someone who behaved so casually with money.

[DoItOnce]

I think you have a great attitude, this could still all be fixable and I really hope you manage to sort it out.

Is your DH a bit flash with his cash usually, eg all the latest tech stuff and flashy cars?

[tribpot]

KatieMorag, no-one in your situation should be made to choose between red wine and Haagen-Dazs tonight.

I think we can all see you are doing your level best to process this genuinely shocking information you've been given today.

[AThingInYourLife]

Well you'll need to rethink your complacency about dividends being "household inc

[KatieMorag]

Cinnabar, accountant not big co. Don't know how to determine if medium sized or high st. 14 staff, specialises in tax advice and business development < snort>

Dh doenst think he needs help but is even more scared of divorce than HMRC

[Houseofplain]

I'm sorry, I do really hate to say I told you so.....there is now 60k not 10k. Men like this NEVER EVER change without help. I said before it is all about the big I am and there WOULD be more bigger loans you didn't know about.

I know of two men who run business like this they are bankrupt now. Stuff that would have been hidden from you, from everyone. That's why I said get another accountant to go over personal accounts as well as the companies.

Please, please will you listen to that, please?

[kettlecrisps]

I'm not trying to scare you - merely trying to get you to stretch away from believing everything you see is true in the situation. ie. you've seen the money paid in. That doesn't mean you've seen it paid out does it? ie. they could have come to an arrangement for appearances sake etc.

You've taken him at face value up until now and he's proved himself to be underhand with money and your right to know/make decisions. I don't think it's going over the top to be open minded that there's more to it than there seems.

It may just be that he is genuinely this immature. If that's the case then I'd be wanting to split business 30/70 other way pretty pronto and make him face up to fact he can't be trusted to make decisions.