Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Morning Lou I would say don't go to work as it's something you just don't need to do right now, you're drained and if you're stressing about it now just ring in and say. It's fab that you've got a great network of friends to support you.

...but know I will have to at some point

do you? I wouldn't - I'd cut him out of the whole kit and kaboodle tbh. But then I'm not you.

are you ready for work yet, particularly as it's also shitface's his domain, though for some people going back to work is a means of checking out of challenging life events. They sound very supportive if they're coming to yours - wonderful.

don't worry about being grumpy with your parents, that's often how it goes, the closest get it in the neck.

PS Re: the valium, I've only been given a weeks worth to help get through the initial shock. I'm trying to only take 1 a day. The ADs are in conjunction with this, I've been told it'll take 2/3 weeks for these to kick in.

PPS Re: all your comments about congratulations, or not. My main worry is that any decision I want to make is taken away from me (i.e. I miscarry). That would be the cherry on the cake of everything and I'm really not sure how I could cope with that at all. My initial thought is I don't want a baby on my own, with him being the father, given the current state of my life. But whatever decision I make I want it to be mine.

PPPS: The Doctor said (not sure whether I believe her or whether she was trying to make me feel better) that she sees many many people who have problems with adultery (usually the man) when struggling TTC. We've been trying for 3 years, and no doubt it has put an inordinate amount of pressure on us, our relationship, our sex lives. I KNOW this, I can't deny it. NO excuses being made, it's just an unavoidable fact. Again, if he'd have said ALL this to me (i.e. been honest) it might have made some of this information, or his actions, slightly easier to digest or understand. But I keep reminding myself it's his subsequent actions that have been the REAL shocker in all this.

He's taken crockery as well. No joke.

I'll come in from the other side - as I said I am in the exactly the same position as you, and I told my H about the pregnancy. He was ironically thrilled, and I'm not wanting to give you hope as I do not know your situation but my H dropped the OW immediately and wanted to try again. I have made no promises, but we are making tentative steps.

Was the issue of children something that your H was finding difficult? Men can be very selfish. Mine left me for a girl of 29, as he had read the on-line stats and decided that she at 29 was more fertile than me at 39. My ovaries however didn't agree.

Tell him, you have nothing to lose.

Don't worry about being grumpy, I have been a prize bitch at times to my dad, when he has been trying to help. I feel awful about it, but have apologised and he understands.

Bloody hell I am so sorry :( Posted this by accident...............

Valium is good for getting through the shock/anxiety.

I would agree with your take on what dr said- ttc is tough but it doesn't excuse what the fork thief is up to (seriously why take all the cutlery? How did he work that out).

If you feel like going back to work and you could manage it , I would. I found it helpful (although on reduced hours basis) when I had been through tough times before if for no other reason that it got me out house and stopped my thoughts folding in on themselves. But there is no right or wrong way.

Can you manage to eat anything yet?

I'm sure the doc was telling the truth but it doesn't sound like she understands the situation really (why should she, I guess). In suggesting that an external pressure contributed to the adultery she's assuming he's not naturally delusional or manipulative or cruel, whereas it seems from the way he's gone about this that he is. I'm not sure people like that ever need an external reason to cheat.

Lou- glad you have slept ok. My tablets kicked in within days I started to feel much better.

Just concentrate on looking after yourself, please rest as much as you can. You don't need to make any decisions about anything yet.

Don't rush back to work until you are ready. It may help but it may not I'm sure the doctor would sign you off in view of what's happened.

Take care xx

Cramping doesn't necessarily mean anything, I had cramps so bad with DS (before I tested) I was convinced my period was about to turn up any minute. Almost took ibruprofen one night but the packet was empty so decided to wait til next morning and get some in the chemist. Once I knew I was pg the cramps continued for a while. I was told it was the uterus stretching.
Breathe and just give yourself some time. You don't need to decide anything right now. You don't need to tell him anything ever again if you don't want to, you owe him nothing.
Thinking of you.
x

Lou just want to say that Marie Stopes can offer phone counselling and very likely other places too. I found it really helpful at a very stressful time and was able to clear my mind a bit and think things through.

Thanks for the recipe catfart I'm sure the OP (and the rest of us) could all do with a snack break at this point in the proceedings...

Catfart, totally off topic to this thread as was your recipe but thank you so much for making me laugh! I needed it

catfart those muffins sound fab.

Hello, Lou :) It might not feel like it, but your inner coping capacities seem to be kicking in - it's a healthy sign that you've acted snappy with your parents and the cat (anger showing up) and I'm sure both parents and cats will understand! A quick apology will be welcome, no doubt, but don't beat yourself up when if you do it again.

From the Guardian: "At BPAS women have an initial consultation which can last up to 50 minutes with an adviser who has been trained to offer both counselling and medical advice. Bpas, including their training, is accredited by the BACP."

BACP is the British Association of Counsellors and Psychologists. Marie Stopes don't have this training and accreditation - though it's also a matter of the individual you get. Stopes and BPAS both get NHS funding. BPAS.

30% of domestic abuse starts or escalates during pregnancy. Your doctor wasn't wrong. There has been a campaign to make health workers aware of this danger, which she's clearly taken on board - good for her! I wouldn't recommend reading this link to Women's Aid on the matter (it's grim) but just so you know it's not scaremongering ... Another reason to block ChutneyFucker right out of your life.

I'm relieved that you have friendly company for the coming days and are sleeping at last. Do take care of yourself; you are your priority now.
Much love.

Lou you are very wise (though you perhaps don't feel it) to see and understand that it's the way he hired a van, deliberately manufactured a time slot and then systematically raided your home of 'his' belongings, down to forks and spoons, that is the utter deal-breaker here. This is NOT the behaviour of a man in distress who has been suffering from some kind of depression brought about by months of ttc.

No. This is the behaviour of a cold, calculating, ruthless, cruel cheat. After my exH did a runner I saw a counsellor who knew me well (work sent me for some sessions with her after I burned out and went on sick leave) and I remember the phrase she used about him exactly: she called him 'a cheating thieving lying dissembling pervert.' Your H's behaviour - in discarding your marriage and in his subsequent treatment of you - is the same.

I have no doubts that my ex was seriously dysfunctional - I call it NPD - and garlic earlier on your other thread called it a built-in lifelong malfunction but this only makes any attempt to salvage a relationship with him, on any terms, totally impossible

Many many congratulations on your pregnancy... (no matter what you decide, a new life, especially a longed-for baby is always worth a celebration.) I agree with others who have said that there is no need to tell your H this news yet.

Given his treatment of you, it is quite possible that if your baby does hang on in there and you decide to keep him/her, you could argue successfully for very limited and supervised contact on the basis that the father is unpredictable, irrational and abusive.

But I would also strongly suspect that your H will simply not be interested in a his child. He may pretend to be to start with...in order to come across as the nice guy he craves to be seen as..but I bet you a squillion pounds that any interest drops off. Children mean self-sacrifice, love and devotion and the only person he is able to give such gifts to, is himself.

When my exH clocked out of our marriage, he did so very methodically too - he drained our joint account of its ten thousand pounds overdraft limit (he withdrew it IN CASH over the counter at our local bank ffs - he must have felt Oh So Important!!) and transferred our thirty thousand pounds in savings into his account, on the internet, while I was upstairs with the baby.

He walked down the garden path, but popped back for - guess what - his rayban sunglasses (utter utter knob) before driving to Heathrow in my car (which he dumped in the car-park) stopping along the way for a bloody slap-up breakfast paid for on our massively overdrawn account.

He then flew to Thailand, sat a teaching course, became a 'lecturer' and shagged for England.

Our gorgeous baby son was 6 months old.

I love my wonderful son more than life itself - even though he looks a lot like his father, has his eyes and his smile. I was 43 when he was born and he was so longed-for. By me! You will love your baby passionately.

My exH also has two daughters who live with their mother (he treated her the same way as he treated me though they weren't married.) They were 9 and 11 and we saw them regularly. He abandoned them too without a backward glance. He played the nice-guy-daddy with them for the 7 years he was with me, because he knew it made him look good and that he would have sunk very low in my estimation if he didn't do his very best by them.

But when he discarded me, the girls had no use for him anymore so he was easily able to discard them too. He pays no support whatsoever for any of his children. It took me months and months to clear the overdraft and get my credit rating back on track.

Plough on with your divorce. Plough on with getting through one day at a time.

As a single mother, you will get financial help - with tax credits, child benefit and, if you sell up and rent, housing benefit (unless you have more than 16k in savings.) You can work part-time when you are ready. Your family will no doubt help you out with the baby and possibly cash-flow.

So sorry this is long, but you have behaved impeccably so far with this shallow creature who has treated you with such contempt.

Forget his texts. Forget counselling. He has lost all rights to a nano-second of your time and as I say, I would say nothing about the pregnancy for now. try not to let his family find out either.

I love being a single parent. It's hard at times but it's hard at times even when you have a decent husband! And god it would have been so much harder and more miserable with my exH around. Because - and I have left this to the last - don't forget that your H said he has made 'several mistakes'. You have sussed that he has probably been having sex on and off with other women during your relationship. This OW will not be the first. Same with my Exh - he had a very dubious existence behind my back. You cannot make any kind of life with a man like that. And he will be so busy fulfilling the needs and desires of his cock that he won't have time to pursue any meaningful relationship with his child. You will have your baby and your life and eventually perhaps a happy marriage to someone who actually gives a damn.

I think the issue of the other woman pales into significance when you consider how he's behaved. I don't think the OP would ever be able to trust him again. How could you ever come home from work or from a day out without wondering whether the house was as it had been?

I beg to differ about a NPD father being uninterested. ime my ex basically did whatever I didn't want him to do - so, if I begged him to be involved in our childrens' lives, we didn't see him for dust. Then when I acclimatised and backed right off, he was all over them like a rash.

imo this 'man' is a serious headfuck right through to the core. He will give you no end of trouble if he is involved in your child's life. I'm talking from the other end, of years and years of trouble and grief and endless hideous, petty, vicious manipulations. Better to cut him out now, for good: never tell him about the pg.

apologies for very blunt advice. I wish someone had given it to me way back when tbh.

Better to cut him out now, for good: never tell him about the pg.

I couldn't agree more strongly with this. Good point about keeping it from his parents, too, if that's feasible.

Lou, I'm a little concerned about the weight of posts assuming you will continue your pregnancy and it will continue with you. It's understandable, what with this being mumsnet and all, but is by no means a given either way. A decision about termination really needs to be made by you, for you, with as little biased influence as possible. There's also the strong possibility that it will terminate itself. You've been wisely advised that there's still plenty of time to consider this from every angle so, please, look after your own physical and emotional health first and come to practical choices one by one as you gain strength :)

decision needs to be made by you, for your own self, with as little biased influence as possible

So many wise words here.
Babylon thanks for the updates.
UnlikelyAmazon, you are giving some very useful 'been there' information. I hope that things settle and each day becomes more peaceful.
Skye &Pickles I am glad you have joined this thread - hopefully it'll be useful for sharing.

Everyone else! I wish I could be as eloquent and helpful.

Lou (Saving the best 'til last) - take your time, let everything sink in. Be kind to yourself. Whatever you decide, we're here. No pressure to update on threads, do what you need to, as and when you need to do it.

Well said Garlic.

Hi Lou

I haven't managed to catch up with all the latest messages yet, so apologies if I am repeating what may have been mentioned already.

I think the timing of the Chutneytwat's stunt may have some importance. It almost seems as if the news of your pregnancy the first time round (before the assumption of CP as he would have needed a few days to organise all) might have spurred him into action? Could it be he had been thinking about leaving for quite some time, and then when you broke the pregnancy news -decided he really wants out so does not have to be responsible for the baby?

Whatever you decide to do, I would not tell him about the pregnancy (if you decide to continue) prior to 12wk scan (or even much, much later), so you know it's all viable and happening for real. I also think the pregnancy should not play part in the relationship between yourselves -if he realised he'd make a huge mistake and wanted to come back (presuming you'd ever consider taking him back -which I doubt and would strongly advise against!), it should be because of you, and the relationship between you two -not because he feels he has to for the sake of the baby. That simply wouldn't work for the long term and would just complicate things for all of you.

You really come across like such a lovely person in your messages. You will get through this however it may feel now. Just think that in one year's time all this will be way in the past, and you could be truly happy by then .