Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Whether she's manipulated the situation or not. He was the one who's done all this and took advantage of it.

I understand you anger towards her, but you are better off chanelling it to him. He deceived both of you. There are two potential children here. She didn't even know you were still together, let alone pregnant or trying. He had sex with her without contraception, when you were trying!

Your full force and anger should be at him, to get the best future for you.

Just deal with him through a solicitor now, why not? All of this communication from him, is to force you into a resolution best for him.

oh wow. Of course he doesn't want to tell the OW you're pregnant. Either she does not even know that he is married or he fed her the usual "we're already separated, no relationship, no sex" story.
What a piece of work he is.

You'd think we'd be used to it by now but it's just breathtaking how "me, me, me" he still is with his "she responds very differently to me" crap. Did he have any concern for how this news was going to make you feel?

How did you leave things with him, Lou? I wonder what outcome is it that would make him reach the point where he "has to" tell OW about you and and your pregnancy?

Lou, what unmitigated fucking cunt.

Firstly, I would also be slightly uncertain about whether to believe me. This could simply be a tool for manipulating you into having a termination, or rather what he thinks will be a tool (i.e. "I'll tell Lou the OW is pregnant and keeping it against my will so that maybe she will get rid of her own pregnancy to make herself more appealing to me. Then I'll only have one child to support, and OW need never know any different")

Secondly, as difficult as it is, try not to focus on the OW's role in this. Let's face it: she wouldn't have been able to trap him at all if he'd taken responsibility for contraception to protect himself. We also don't know at all whether she planned it just to ensnare him - personally, I think that's a convenient trap to allow yourself to fall into when you want to hate her and her situation.

The reality is probably far closer to what others have intimated - she thought she was in a loving monogamous relationship with a man who was separated from his wife. She won't be the first woman to fall for that old story hook, line and sinker, and she won't be the last. She's more likely than not just as much a victim of this arsehole as you are.

Lou, don't listen to the bullshit when he compares her to you, my ex twat did this, but when I eventually came face to face with the OW, it turned out he was even more abusive to her than me, and constantly put her down telling her how she fell short of me!

I had him saved in my mobile as 'Satan'

I would do my best to contact OW and blow the fucker out of the water. I wouldn't be too quick to believe that she did not know you were together, they do this to 'protect' the OW.

Expose HIS lies with the truth, why should you be the only one going through hell!

"him" not "me". I'm honest, I swear!

Oh Lou, yet another body blow.

You will need to be stronger than ever now, because once she does find out about your circumstances - and she will - his van may well be re-packed for him, and jars of chutney chucked.

It is going to be so very hard, but you must not let this latest development colour your decision regarding your own pregnancy. He is going to up the ante very, very soon, in this regard. Please stand firm with whatever you choose to do, and do it for you, and no one else.

Oh and IF she is pregnant, adultery is thus proven!

I'm still in shock how he dare ask you to abort your baby that was borne out of love... Certainly on your part anyway.... Whilst knowing the OW was also pg.

My half sister is the child of the OW. The wife was also pg. My mum knew nothing of the wife and vice versa.

Apparently there was a big cat fight between the two women who then went on to be the best of friends. The two children had a love/hate relationship and still do.... The DH stayed with the wife but had nothing to do with my mum or sister. But....When I was born, I always knew the wife as auntie x... When I was old enough to question no one would tell me who my sisters dad was. My sister told me when I was 13 and I thought she was taking the piss. Auntie x was a feature in our home regularly. I couldn't fathom it. They had a friendship borne out of such selfishness.

When my own dad lost his money at the bookies, auntie x would appear with a pie and always had a spare 50p for the metre. Looking back she was remarkable given he must have been very hurt by her DH. They stayed together and had 4 kids! That's the bit I can't fathom!!

Lou- just wanted to let you know how am thinking of you. Is there anyone coming over as think you need company or whatever help (incl dairy lea squares) to manage your shock.
I also think anger should be at chutney. Who knows what ow knew or didnt know but my anger would be squarely aimed at chutney. A leopard doesn't change his spots and I don't believe chutney won't end up treating ow like shit in time.

Also when you know this is true (it does sound odd but I have heard of such stories incl one chutney type where ow and wife gave birth within a week of each other), talk to solicitor about it. I don't think ow is necessarily something that lightens chutneys obligations to you and your dc which is probably why he is panicking.

There is another thread in legal at minute at issues with citing adultery in a divorce. I dont think it is really a problem for today and sounds like your lovely solicitor can help when time comes.

Oh and I would like to call him a cunt but they are useful so is an insult to them.

He's been to several scans with her - REALLY? I'm not sure as it is a long time ago I had my babies, but thought there were two scans during a preg. This did not ring true.

It sounds as though he was trying to be DELIBERATELY hurtful to you OP. I wonder if he's made this up.

How did you react when he told you this stuff? Does he know you are devastated?

I think he is playing some kind of game.

Are you going to tell your parents, and will they tell his parents?

And I'm 36 in September and don't know if I'll get another chance. But don't want to be tied to him forever,....

Lou, just wanted to delurk to say please don't think it is necessarily too late - i was 40 when i had my first baby and wouldn't rule out trying for another now. I think the post back upthread by Cokeaholic is worth thinking about though, given your difficulties ttc. There's also no guarantee that you will be tied to him forever if you do go ahead with the pregnancy - his behaviour doesn't indicate someone who is going to take his responsibilities seriously, so you can't aasume he is going to be around. Whatever decision you make about the pregnancy has to be based on you and only on you, not on what he may or may not do or think. I am so so sorry that you are having to go through all this.

She may be about 20 weeks now hence 12/20 week (assuming no extra scan). That also means that all this abortion talk (if he ever did had it) is academic as baby is here to stay (assuming it is real).

De-lurking to offer support. My heart literally started pounding when I read the latest development, so god only knows how utterly floored and devastated you must feel. I have nothing to add to the brilliant advice you have already received but want to wish you strength, courage and healing for the coming weeks and months.

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE COMPLETE AND UTTER WASTE OF SPACE
WHAT A BASTARD
WHAT AN ABSOLUTE CUNT

I would talk to him with both sets of parents present
scream, shout, but get it all out

then never ever speak to the bastard again
never
ever
leave it all to the solicitors

WHAT A LOWLIFE

I am so sorry this has happened to you
but you will get through it

I am so angry on your behalf

My Mum is coming over this evening, as in amongst all this we have to try and go food shopping. I'm still trying to get a solicitors appointment for this Friday, I wondered if that letter we could put something in writing about me being pregnant. That would put the shits up him. He did say during the call 'I just wonder why you haven't filed for divorce' which makes it sound like thats what he wants - i.e. to sever all his ties from me and this house. Well I'm not going to do that, because that makes it easier for him in the short term. And nothing I do will make it easier for him, am determined about that. He also fed some yarn 'I want to be with you, but know you could never forgive me'. The guy is DELUDED, he's walked into a relationship after a few months convincing himself she 'reacts differently' and blown a relationship of nearly 10 years out of the water for it. This all hurts so much, and in doing so he's given some other woman something I so desperately wanted.

I have also (bit stupidly) texted his sister, who I don't really like anyway and said 'Just wondered if you were aware X is expecting a baby with someone in December. This person thinks he is separated and has no idea I am also expecting. Just interested what, if anything, he is telling his family'.

Now that's a bit petty, but don't really give a fuck at the moment. I cannot believe I have spent years of wasted dreams on him. This is what hurts.

I hate this "I want to be with you but know you could never forgive me" bollocks of his. What he's doing here is basically putting all the blame onto you yet again: "it's Lou's fault, I wanted to try again but she is so unforgiving". God, where does the bastard get off!!
Thinking of you Lou.
PS, we'll need a new thread again soon.

Dear christ, he is just a dreadful, sickening human being.

I think we have plumbed his depths now (prepared to be surprised). Surely it cannot get any worse. He "can't understand why you haven't divorced him". That sounds like true colours, doesn't it.

Having said that, the detail of what he's saying does sound odd. That picture from Italy you found - I know everyone starts to show at different times, but did that jump out at you as being a 4 months pregnant woman? Could he have massaged the timings a bit to make the whole thing sound more serious/advanced than it actually is? He's such a sick fuck that anything's possible. Just like all the other times, as soon as you start to get a measure of control back he hits you with another suspiciously well-timed bombshell about what's "really" going on, and it turns out not to be the whole truth. It's just as well you had the good sense to ignore all the counselling bullshit or you'd be even more in pieces.

All of which underlines the point that you should stop talking to him. Yes it may (or may not) be useful information, but is it worth you taking yet another incoming missile every few days like this?

Glad the solicitor was helpful, and I'm so sorry the cunt has ruined your day again. He has a knack for it. Stop talking to him. (Did I say that before?)

Scarlet if OW is due in early Dec she's about 23-4 weeks pg now. He may have been to the 12 week and 20 week scan with OW - perhaps more if there was some complication. (From something v. serious to something like "keeping an eye on placenta previa" or something).
FWIW I will have 3+ scans this pregnancy to keep an eye on a kidney anomaly in this foetus. In a totally healthy pregnancy, it's 2 - which he could have been to, I suppose. What a dickhead. I wouldn't put it past him to spin 'two' into 'several' to cause maximum hurt to Lou, but it's possible.

Not that this is any help to Lou. Sorry, Lou.

Hi Lou, another delurker here.

Please be careful. I worry that when the OW finds out about your pregnancy she may kick him into touch..... and he will come to you with a 'I left her, I have realised my mistake, I want you and you alone, etc' bullshit story.

It's more important than ever to get his communication to you in writing, refuse to speak to him again and only communicate thru text and email. Then you have proof of any lies he tells.

(((hugs)))

Lou, I have no words, am utterly speechless at the mess this spineless, cowardly fucker has heaped on you.

The fact that he has tried to persuade his wife and OW to abort two 'inconvenient' (for him) babies tells us all we need to know about this man.

If it was me I would be finding out OW's identity and sending her a brief, factual email. She is most likely as much a victim as you - pregnant and vulnerable, as a result of mistakenly placed trust. It's twatface who has entered into all this knowingly, and deceitfully.

Lord almighty he is a twat. Ensure that it is documented that your baby was conceived in the marriage and therefore the support (and roof over its head) needs to included in the divorce settlement. (should of course you wish to maintain the pregnancy).

And do not forget his pension in the divorce. Loads of people do and it horrifies me. It is offen the biggest asset in the marriage.

You sound awesome btw.

Lou , please stop all contact with him.