Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Arh, Lou, That´s shit.

Good I wish someone would castrate this man.

Ok, girl breath!!!!!

The text to the sister was a bit petty, but it got it out of your system (Bet it felt good too)

Ok, so if this is someone he knows from work, I think I well timed sob in the loo´s is called for tommorow. I´m sorry girls if this seems harsh but i really would want to name this OW in the divorce, would give me a perverse satisfaction.

Lou trust me. You and your body knows what is right for you right now, What ever that disicion is make it for YOUR RIGHT reasons no one elses. What ever is right for you is right for you. CHutney muncher is not going to be in your life forever even if you decide to keep the baby.

Just incase it is a factor in your decision making, I still have some of DD first baby clothes (not many suitable for a boy) and would be happy for them to go to a good home. I am sure there are plenty of other who would think the same. So you don´t really need to consider the finacial ramifications.

What you need to consider is what is right for you. you and only you should decide that.

Hugs (however un mumnet they are, are well deserved)

I guess communications with his parents/sister will have to stop soonish as well, but for now I don't think they'll be doing any harm (to you, that is. Hopefully they'll do SOME harm to him!) Ultimately they are his family, and however decent they are they'll probably side with him in the end, or at least go silent and pretend the whole unfortunate "son turning out to be a total cunt" thing never happened. But if it gives them even a partial reality check in the meantime, and makes you feel better, and you don't go overboard with it, then I don't think it's petty at all. The more people know what a shit he is, the more uncomfortable he seems to be.

And I second what NotANatural said above.

It's doubtless impossible, Lou, but the best advice re this is really to erase Miss Italy from the picture and not to worry about her alleged pregnancy. Her life is her life and it's already going tits-up, pregnant or not. Both mine told me my replacements were pregnant. With X1 (I was pregnant), it turned out to be a lie: he said she lied, but no matter who was lying, she wasn't. X2 simply denied he'd said it.

They do weird shit, these weird people. Focus on the present and on getting YOUR life in order.

I don't know you LouP but I'm so angry on your behalf. You sound like a lovely girl and I know it doesn't look like it now, but you will meet a lovely man who appreciates what he has with or without a child. My tutor married his DP last year, she had a child from a previous relationship. He is genuinely the nicest guy I know, and he loves her DD like his own, they now have just had another.

My god, I'm so angry and upset on your behalf.
The thing that keeps going round in my head is him saying he is so upset. No much bloody wonder. His elaborate story, him being a good guy, is going to be utterly blown out of the water.
What a piece of shit he is!
Don't waste your time feeling anything for the OW. Focus everything on him and what he has done to you. I'm wondering if the next time he wants to speak to you, you let your parents answer and say you are too upset to speak to him at the moment.
I hope some of his chutneys are going past their used by date and he suffers as a result.

"I just wonder why you haven't filed for divorce" - again, this is him trying to enforce his timetable. Does he really imagine that most people, within barely a week or two of being whacked with the most horrible shock revelations from the person they loved would be all "oh fine, let's call it a day, then, where do I sign?"

He just has no concept of you as a person, needing to get independent advice, needing just TIME to come to terms with everything, and needing to secure yourself financially.

You have done very well in getting him rattled so far, but with this fresh shock perhaps no contact is the way to go again for a while, for your own sake?

Yes, you're right, thank you. I saw the picture and she was a very slim looking woman and I have to say she didn't look pregnant at all, and at that stage she would have been nearing 5 months. But if it's her first? Well, I don't know, never had one before, but she had a relatively baggy pink mini dress on so something could've been under there. To be honest he sounded like he was bricking it on the phone, so I do think that bit is true.

Yes, the text to his sister was petty, I regret it even now. And yes he was still manipulating me lots of the phone 'You'd never forgive me. I want to know why you've not divorced me'. I said to him I don't know how on earth someone can base their life on such ridiculous callous lies, and, well, he didn't really reply. But the good thing is he didn't sound happy. What he DID say is 'Well, she really wants me' and I think that's all he's concerned about and he was keen to get that point across.

The good news is I'm seeing that solicitor again on Friday morning. We'll now plough in with this new bit of information, and try and get something in writing about how his emotionallly vulnerable pregnant wife needs assurance of continued financial support. Something like that should do nicely.

God, I am so angry and confused. He found out in May!! That explains why he spent nearly £200 on me in Seasalt on clothes, explaining I 'deserved a treat'. I thought that was weird at the time, but that was in May. GOD, I HATE HIM.

one word lou

GUILT.

Sorry sweetie but you need to redo every conversation since may. It will drive you spare so don´t do it, just put a line and think, well what ever I have nice new clothes the reason he didn´t don´t matter.

OH, and well done re the solicitor.

If you feel comfortable with her that is great.

Roll on Friday morning Lou. Are you going to stop contact with him?

Lou - did the solicitor say anything about divorce costs and who pays them if you divorce him for adultery? I know you say that you don't want to make it easy for him, or give him what he wants, but it might make it better for you in the long term if you divorce him for adultery within the ?6 month time limit - both in terms of him paying for the divorce and for a decent settlement for yourself.

I'm not sure when the clock starts counting in terms of divorce for adultery, if it is from discovery or start of affair. But if it is from start of affair and she is really 5 ish months pregnant, then your time to start proceedings is pressing.

I'm so very sorry that you have had this further massive blow. Just remember that now it is important to do what is best for you, whether it is good, bad or indifferent for him is totally irrelevent.

De lurking to tell you how wonderful I think you are and how great you've been coping in such a terrible stage in your life.

Something that has occured to me though is that Miss Italy surely would have looked pregnant in the photo if what he is saying is true?

Just a thought.

All I can think of at the moment is how much I would love to draw my arm right back and punch the lowlife fucker straight in the mouth.

Sorry was too slow

I agree with brian

God, that's disgusting. Rather than, for example, tell you what was going on? He is awful, beyond contempt.

I think maybe she gave him an ultimatum of some kind, possibly in Italy. He's been burying his head up his arse hoping that somehow his pathetic "what a dude I am" double life won't have any consequences. Someone who's capable of buying their wife clothes as a suitable substitute for confessing to having a pregnant OW is just in deep, deep denial about what a shit they are, and what total devastation they are wreaking on innocent people.

I am furious for you. and furious.

(I've never had one either, I am guessing a bit on the looking pg thing )

Lou, I'm so, so sorry that you're going through all of this. I think you should cease all contact now, let the solicitor send a letter and make all contact go through them. I know it'll cost but they act without emotion to get you the best deal and you should let them do that. Everytime you have contact with him, he's trying to make you out to be the bad one AND YOU ARE NOT!
It's not the OW, or you, it's HIM. He's the common shitty denominator here.

I think some of the truth is finally beginning to trickle through.

Its why he is telling you about it that is bothering me the most. It sounds to me like you are not being nearly as needy and desperate as he wants you to be and he wants to grind you down completely. This, I am sure he hopes, will drive you to abort your baby. After all, he doesn't want you to be as 'independent' as OW and therefore more likely to keep the baby.

Its all about him, the bastard.

Whatever you decide to do about the baby, YOU have the right to be able to make the decision. YOUR decision for YOU to make based on what is best for YOU. He has lost the right to play any part in your decision on this.

I was wondering if it might be a good idea to send him an email along the lines of: "I should like you to confirm that I understood properly what you told me today: your mistress is approximately 5 months pregnant (due December) with a baby you understand is yours".

He might answer, if he sees this as a route to a quick divorce. And then you will have written confirmation of what he is telling you (which might come in handy generally; also it demonstrates that you are not deluded mad woman (as a poster above suggested might be his aim).

If he refuses to confirm in writing, ask why.

Lou I am staggered at this cunt's utter cuntery.

You are being so strong - please stay strong, fight for your rights and security and take some pleasure in the fact the total twat will get what's coming to him eventually.

Yes, Edith is right, some confirmation would be good.

I really think a hiring a PI would be good. You need to get to the bottom of this in order to be able to assess the situation and decide what you should do.

If you rely on him to provide the info, I fear you will be at the mercy of his bullshit all the way through.