Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Just sending a (((hug))) and strength to help you with your decision, whatever it may be x

Bear in mind that a narc has no boundaries whatsoever - and certainly doesn't recognise yours (or any potential child's). He will do precisely what he wants to do, irrespective of the law (which he despises and which is very often toothless), along with a heavy dose of punishment that never ends . He doesn't have to have a good reason to punish, and will never feel his need to punish is sated. The fact that he left you is good enough reason to punish, in his book.

springy yes I totally agree with that - they can also stick around only to cause maximum head-fuckery or to come across as the nice-guy-with-the-mad-bitch-ex, to their new victim. They certainly don't stick around to be a good, reliable father to the child. The child is a means to an end.

I totally agree also with better to cut him out now, for good

Sorry you have to deal with a similar bastard.

Hi Lou - as garlic said above, you need to make your own decisions, so as I said before, just look after yourself, get plenty of rest, get doctors advice on what you can or cant take, and try and get some emergency counselling to talk about the pregnancy. Somebody suggested BPAS and that sounds like a good idea. You do need unbiased, unemotional advice.

Have read both threads and I'm absolutely amazed at your strength and character, Lou. Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best. x

Just catching up...
Oh Lou I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this.

I'm not ignoring the fact you are pregnant but don't want to say the C word as you're ,understandably, not sure what to do. Whatever you decide MUST be the right thing for YOU.

With regard to cutting the ex out now - really? For all he has done class A Cunt he is (if Lou decides to go ahead) the father and has a right to be involved in the childs life (I'm NOT saying he deserves to be) and as much as he has completely fucked Lou's life the baby deserves a father (granted it deserves a good one) The type of person he has proved himself to be already, if he's given enough rope then eventually he'll hang himself with it anyway. (NOT meant literally, just in case some people haven't heard the saying)

I hope you manage to get some counselling ASAP and talk things through and as others have said Lou, please take care of yourself xxx

Wow, Lou, what an extraordinary week you are having. Keep trying to stay calm and centred, don't fall for chutneytwat's mindgames and just keep asking yourself what you want and need to do. I hope you are sleeping better and managing to eat. Whatever your decision re the pregnancy you will have support here.

loup I remember you from all the TTC boards, congratulations and you are going to be fine, you are better off on your own!

Lou, I was left pregnant at 6 weeks gone by my partner. I was terrified of doing it on my own and even discussed adoption.

Well I didn't adopt, I did it on my own and there were happy times and hard times. XP didn't have anything to do with either of us.

I just wanted to say that my lovely daughter is now 20 and at University. I am SO proud of her - and I wouldn't have wanted to bring her up any other way, I'm glad I did it on my own.

If you are in any doubt just look at all these Olympians from lone parent backgrounds. Their stories are just fantastic.

I don't think you should cut your ex out unless you decide not to proceed with this pregnancy (or miscarry), at which point I'd say he gave up any right to be informed when he decided to physically remove himself and his chutneys from your life.

If you do decide to go ahead, then telling your solicitor and him as soon as possible is important. Apart from anything else, it will massively effect the way the assets are split in a divorce. You wil be entitled to maintenance. You won't be doing this solo. Yes, you'll have to give him access, but that doesn't mean you have to let him back in your heart. And there is no reason why he should see you through the pregnancy, or even be there at the birth, unless you want him to be.

I think that posters must be very very careful not to let this real life scenario not turn into a theoretical debate on the best thing to do. It is up to the woman herself to choose her path through all of this, not up to us, and our ideal projection.

I know there are LOADS of genuine people helping her out but I just wanted to day that x

There don't appear to be many assets, Dontmind. In any case, retention of a house might be a poor price for choosing to stay involved with a self-obsessed nutcase.

Lou, I have no advice for you, just thoughts of how strong you must be to be coping with all of this. You have plenty of time to make decisions.

Dear Lou,

You must be bowled over. Don't forget the good, basic advice - I remember lists (Not his!) - given above, if you haven't done so already:

Make sure you've changed the locks to protect a) yourself, b) the cats, c) furniture/any other possessions or papers/overlooked foodstuffs.

Check all money/house situation. Put whatever stops on accounts you can, so that he doesn't fleece them, and perhaps you should transfer any money which is your own, to hold it somewhere safe. Inform the mortgage people. Arrange for copies of whatever house or other financial papers he has taken.

Tell everyone what he has done, including work. You don't want your personal or professional reputation damaged by this man and his deluded view of reality, which I suspect he will be very ready to share with others. Like Pride and Prejudice - if he is prepared to abuse you to your face, doubtless he will be very ready to do it with everyone else.

Follow up with finding a solicitor when you have the energy.

Take some time. I'm not sure where you are in this pregnancy but I think it's early? You have time to get yourself on to a more even keel before any decisions have to be made; you need to give yourself time to think and to decide what is best to do. If I were you I would tell the fewest number of people possible, and not tell Mr Homewrecker at least until much, much later, when all decisions have been made, if indeed you tell him at all. There is no need to tell people unless you want to, until you (or perhaps fate) have decided one way or another. You don't ever have to go into details: if you do decide not to go ahead with this, then just call it another mc to anyone who finds out. If you do decide to go ahead with it, then it is your decision taken after much consideration and I am sure you will be a wonderful mother. The decision and outcome is absolutely no one else's business but yours, in the circumstances.

FWIW we had years of ttc, and it caused great strain and sadness, and bitterness and arguments. I should think that happens to many couples. But neither of us went off with anyone else. And we weren't cruel and calculated and utterly egotistical in the way that you have experienced: that's another ballgame altogether.

Later on, steel yourself for the future. You can do it. I think you sell yourself short, because I and a stunning number of people on this thread can all see what an impressive person you are and how much you have to offer now and in the future. I remember right at the beginning when you said how you could hear your mother crying in the next room. That is what mothers do, bless her, and I'm glad that you have a great family and friends who have rallied round. Don't worry about being 'unkind' to your parents: you are not being so, and they will recognise it for what it is - a stage of your reactions to all this. But make sure that you let this cruel, damaged man (who I suspect cannot be mended) into your life and head as little as possible, and don't ever let him into a position where you are lying there listening to a child cry because of him. Be kind and generous to yourself: you deserve it.

Sorry for the essay.

Lou, I know a few lovely people who have struggled to ttc. They are all still together and AFAIK, none of the guys ever got a removal van in or went off with another woman.
Nature will take it's own course, but if there is a decision to be made, do whatever feels right for you.

Hello all, back again.

Cat gone to the vet, got swollen mammary gland, may need a biopsy. Is he insured? I don't know, because the insurance documents have been taken,.... it was due for renewal and he told me he'd 'sort it'. I mean, this is RIDICULOUS, he can't leave me in this position over absolutely fucking everything!!

Unlikely Amazonian - your story is jaw dropping too and you sound a total inspiration. Jeez.

Mornings are always the worst. I wake up, open my wardrobe and look at my clothes and I think 'yeah, I can see why he left you'. And I know I've got to stop doing that, but you look at the things you've bought to wear over the years, and how you've changed into a slightly safer/cosier person, and then I start to feel it's my fault. A bit. I know you all say I'm strong, but I'm not.

Re: maintaining contact. All I've texted him and said ie 'We need to talk about counselling within the next few days and what we want to do'. Believe me, I'm not playing his game. I've only sent him about 4 non emotional, direct texts asking for things like an address. And every time he texts me it makes me angry and makes me see how totally mental he is. So right now it doesn't feel 'dangerous' to have some minimal contact with him. And I guess I want to keep this until I make any decisions about the pregnancy. He might not be behaving with any dignity, but I am going to. I keep repeating this.

My Uncle rang last night - never been close at all, total surprise. He just said 'He's weighing up his options between you and OW. And whatever you do don't like him make the decision about your future'.

Suspect with all the fuss I'm getting this week, that all the tears and real hard bereavement will hit me next week or the week after. This bit scares me.

One day at a time Lou, that's all you can do. No use fretting in advance about how you are going to feel next week.

Uncle's advice was good.

Only YOU are going to make any decisions about your own future.

Like how you are staying angry...healthy reaction.

Look after yourself.

Lou you are being so amazingly strong, I can't believe how brilliantly you've handled this.

I'm sorry your cat is a bit poorly. Which insurance company was your pet insurance with? I would imagine if you give them a ring they should be able to track your policy from your details like address etc. You could also request new paperwork to be sent to you so you know you've got a copy.

Take each day as it comes, you sound like you've got an amazing support network so lean on them if you need it. Nobody is running to him to offer support and well wishes are they, I think that speaks volumes.

oh dear, dear me.

narcs are not like your average person. They have no conscience. They are actually psychopaths (or sociopaths). For those of us who have had the misfortune to become embroiled with a narc, there is no 'better side' to appeal to. We can be good, bad, horrid, clever, wily, compassionate etc etc - there are no techniques that work, a narc steams on regardless, causing unbelievable damage. the only 'technique' is to run like hell and cut all possible contact. It really is the only option. btw, they fuck up the kids, are no different with their own children. There is no human side to them, they fake it all.

I am saying this because it may not make any sense to you now but it will do one day if you continue to be involved with him. I deeply regret that I didn't literally run away in what we stood up in when the kids were small.

I am sure that if you ring the insurance company they can tell you. I've done this before because I am a messy bitch who files everything on the floor disorganised.

Loving how you are maintaining your dignity. You are truly an inspiration.

"Yeah, I can see why he left you.'

Really? What I see is hundreds of posts rooting for you. A brother who you didn't feel so close to proving to be good news and v supportive. An uncle ditto. Many people being rather perceptive about this relationship that you have been in. Friends and relatives who come round to stay. A neighbour who decides to get going on your rockery, for heavens' sake. I would hazard a guess that you are a much loved and admired woman.

It is fine to become slightly safer/cosier in a safer/cosier environment. That is how things work over the years, a shared change. It's okay, if you are both true and committed. You were, he wasn't.

'It's Not Your Fault.'
It's Not Your Fault.
Repeat, ad infinitum.

And don't worry about next week or the week after. Just get through today, and then tomorrow.

Jeez, Lou, if it was based on my wardrobe, my own dh would have been gone long ago!
All the people who know you are rooting for you. Neighbours, relative, friends. No-one has said they get why he left, not one.
This is not about you, you didn't deserve this, it's about him.

One day at a time Lou - thats all you can do.

you are doing amazingly well and yes it will keep on hitting you, but each time you pick yourself up again. Ive been having a major wobble myself today, but I need to get a grip and remind myself that its only been four months...... Im allowed to have good days and bad days and so are you.

I hope the cat gets better soon.

The reasons why he left you, lovely Lou, are to do with him and not with you.

Repeat as necessary.

Jeez, I've shaved my head and put on two stone over the course of a four year marriage, and DH has stuck it out! What one earth does getting "cosier" as a person have to do with anything (except being awesome and my lifelong goal) - don't let your nasty ex-partner have a nasty voice in your own head, if you start hearing thoughts like that again remind yourself that it's him talking, and he's a liar - therefore can (and should) be ignored.

One day at a time, love. It's going to be hard but it won't always be as hard as this.

This didn't happen because you weren't giving enough to you marriage Lou, it happened because he wasn't.

I honestly believe that.

The only think I remember really clearly thinking (and saying to my STBXH in the counselling session) was this: What do you think would have happened to our marriage if you had put the same effort into being with me, that you put into being with her? If you had used the energy you used to lie to me, hide from me, deceive and control me so you could be with this other person... if all that energy had been spent building something worth having (which is what we both promised to do when we got married) instead of destroying it, don't you think we'd have stood a chance?

It doesn't matter what happened in your marriage that you might have been responsible for now. You are not responsible for what he has done. Please remind yourself of this daily x