Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

He's a piece of work isn't he :( How these people can live the deceitful lives they do is beyond me.

This part probably feels like you're in limb; there's SO much to sort out it probably feels like there aren't enough minutes in the day. You will get through this, one day at a time. You're brilliant, even if you don't always feel it! X

Aw Lou, don't rush yourself about a relationship. Take your time to heal, and rediscover you!

Hello Lou,
The more you post the lovelier you get! Down to earth, funny, caring, sensitive, intelligent and very very strong. Getting rid of Chutney will be the start of a wonderful new life. You are too good for him.

I second Mathanxiety about a SHIT HOT solicitor. He/She will be worth every penny. As well as getting you what you deserve from a settlement, they will also remove the need for you to deal with Chutney personally. Everything can go through them. He will be reeling that he can't speak to you and manipulate you - keep ignoring those texts - you have the power now.

Another tinned ravioli fan. And potato waffles shoved in the toaster with baked beans on the side. xxxxxx

Hells Bells Lou, I thought your last post read that you had cooked the cats!!!

I wondered if you are going to allow your H to call you. From what you have shared of your character, I think it would be something you might want to do. Listening - and revealing nothing! - to his further pearls of wisdom might just give you some added knowledge to take with you to the solicitor. You need to feel able to cope with it though, and it has to be just your choice.

Reading what you said about knowing there will be someone in your life again, blew me away at your level of self awareness. This is what is getting you through this mess, and you will pass the winning post long before The Blessed Chutney Lover, despite his flying start.

I've also stirred dairy lea into hot pasta with a drop of milk to slacken it down with a sprinkling of cayenne pepper on top.Yum, sorry to go off thread, I now really fancy some dairy lea

Keep on ignoring Chutney, I hope he's stewing in his juices!

Ooo Lou, now I really want some dairylea! Yum!

I love Dairylea Triangles on toast or Jacobs Crackers. Somedays that is my tea. Or a baked bean toasted sandwich. Or some Pringles. That's the beauty of being on your own, no need to cook every night.!

I too waver between wanting a new man (at some point) and thinking I'd never trust a twunt again. If my H, who was the most solid, loyal, loving bloke on the planet can treat me like this, how the hell can I trust anyone else?! But I've been assured there are some nice guys out there do fingers crossed!

Sleep well. I had one free solicitor half hour and paid another one £60 for 45 minutes advice I went with him because he said I could get legal Aid and that I should divorce the bastard immediately .

Stay string and positive. You are doing so much better than I was this early on. xx

Glad you made some progress today - hope tomorrow is positive too and that Chutney is not messing with your head too much in the meantime. You certainly come across as having 10x the balls he'll ever have!

Can I just add to the comfort food shopping list Cheese & Broccoli Pasta 'n' Sauce? I usually melt the ounce of butter it specifies as optional in a pan and add leeks, mushrooms, red peppers and courgettes or broccoli before chucking in the packet and liquid - then lots of grated mature cheddar on top when it's done.

My DH is a chef and always gives me looks when I make it for myself!

Oooh, I'd give anything for simple tinned toms on toast, spaghetti hoops, dairy lea triangles or that ravioli you mentioned. DH turns his nose up at the lot of them! My brother, however, is a different kettle of fish.......

Can I just make an observation.....

Lou doesn't have to 'rediscover herself'.

She didn't do anything wrong - so suggesting that she has to make a rediscovery suggests that she has failed in some way.

Lou is a bright, intelligent, intellectual and strong woman. She is simply caught on her back foot at this time because Twunt intended her to be caught off guard.

Just to go off on a minor tangent, Lou, there is no need to do "grown up" things like dinner parties or have a hectic social whirl of a life. I love slobbing about at home. If I'm not at home (or working) then I am happy spending hours in an art gallery or museum.

Haute quisine doesn't get a look in here. Generally meals here are one pot wonders, but beans on toast or omelette and chips are often staples.

I am glad to see your sense of humour shining through. If I were a man I would love to date you. Hell, if I was single, I'd love to date you!

Hi Lou, my usual checking in to see how you are.

D'you know, you're posts are starting to sound more positive? I know you're still going through shit but you're able to opine about cheese ravioli so there's other stuff able to get through too!

I've been single for 3 years and tbh although I like the idea of a relationship in theory, when I think about what it would involve I get irrationally irritated with the poor soul I haven't even met yet....

I do have 2 cats though, so that's all good.

I'm off for a couple of days so although I'll try and check in it'll be a bit sporadic.

All the best with the solicitor tomorrow. x

sadwidow, I had to 'rediscover myself' because I had twisted myself out of shape - altered my self somewhat - to fit in with what my twunt seemed to want. This cropped up a few pages back, when we were talking about having forgotten what you like to buy in the supermarket. Twunts mess with your head and it's a very weird feeling to realise how much you've changed without noticing. This doesn't imply anything wrong with Lou! I'm shocked that you see self-insight as a symptom of failure or something; to most people it's an indication of strength.

Sadwidow, in reference to rediscovery - I didn't mean to imply that lou had done anything wrong. What I meant was more to do with a fresh start and enjoying all the things that make you tick, as an individual, not having to please anyone but yourself... Stuff that gets lost sometimes when in a relationship. Golly, I don't know that I've articulated my thoughts that well but hopefully it makes sense.

Yes that too Garlicnuts, putting yourself back together. The bastard that drove me to a breakdown robbed me of my identity. It was a long time ago but that took some hardcore therapy/rediscovery!

Lou has said on several occasions that she is getting back in touch with - or re-discovering - herself, in the short time since her H left. Her intellect and strength are part of who she is, and will have always been in evidence. Things like a nice cuppa, however, instead of an over priced glass of wine, Dairylea on toast instead of Foie Gras, solitude now and then, a walk on a windswept Cornish beach, mooching for bargains in Dunelm Mill - try TK Maxx Lou, even better for bargains!!! These are the sort of things that will help her to re-discover herself, and what will give her pleasure.....purely for herself. All without the constant drip drip drip in her ear, of her H`s vicious comments and criticisms. I think she is really going to enjoy this particular journey of re-discovery, once she has rid herself of her H.

I have rediscovered myself in a way. My STBXH was not a very good mixer and as the years have gone by I spent less time talking to others myself as it felt wrong to leave him standing in a corner on his own,

My friend commented the other night when we were out, that I've got my spark back. I am once again the life and soul of the party when legless
so I suppose I have found my old self again in a way and I only have myself to worry about.

I have also started reading again, a lot more because I don't feel like I should be doing something else instead, like I used to.

Good luck today Lou

Thank you all, just caught up with your posts.

Well my friend came round last night and said she saw the solicitor I'm seeing this morning and found them to be very disappointing, so that's deflated me a bit. But will still go and see what I think, but as everyone has reiterated I know I want someone who's very angry on my behalf. On another note, she was the first one who came round and spent most of the evening talking about herself. Felt a bit down afterwards actually, made a mental note that she's a 'me me me' person (she probably always has been to be honest,.....).

Problem is from tomorrow I'm at work, and then we get put back a week again.

In the meantime, the twunt has texted to say 'I really really need to talk to you. I will email you'. So I rang him back last night at 10pm, the phone rang, and then it went off. I guess, as someone earlier said, I'm intrigued as to what sort of mess he's going to try and dig himself further into. But the fact that his phone went off is another massive indicator that he can't have the wife ring when he's sailed off into the sunset with the OW. Idiot! Anyway, I texted him back and said 'Realise it isn't convenient for you to answer when you're with your girlfriend. Really, you are digging yourself further and further into this mess'. And that was it.

So I've had a bit of contact, but still think it was fairly restrained. Dreading getting an email today because I have the fear that it might contain a bit of truth in it (i.e. yes, I'm living with X, and yes I really don't want you to have the baby), and even though I know this is all true it's going to be very hard once he starts being honest. If that makes sense,....

Lou, make sure you keep every one of his texts and emails. They will help provide a record of his behaviour. However tempting, delete nothing!

(((hugs)))

Lou - good luck at the solicitors today.

You seem to be spot on with Chutneys reactions to everything. You are not letting yourself be played by him which is good. Do not ever let him turn it back on you and say you are awkward and ruining everything which he will because you are not co-operating as he would like.

You are doing so well. Just keep on day by day.

Regarding your friend , she may have been trying to get your mind off it. I had a couple of friends like it, all I wanted to do was talk about it over and over but she dudn't think it was good and kept changing the subject. Her intentions were good, maybe your friend was the same.

Stay strong. If you don't like the solicitor then make a paying appointment with another one. Get a couple of quotes for an hours advice.

Xx

Lou I agree with Frankel, keep every single text and email he sends you, anything he puts in writing.

Yes, you were very restrained in your response to him, but I really wouldn't make any contact at all.

You need to regain control of this situation, and by NOT responding when he wants you to, you are (a) creating a timetable that suits you and suits your current feelings about everything, and (b) minimising your exposure to his endless hurtful bullshit.

What would you have said if he had picked up last night when you called? More to the point, what would HE have said? You're already dreading any email you might get from him today - would you have been able to keep your composure if you'd heard those words actually coming out of his mouth?

As hard as it is to just leave them alone when you still have so many unanswered questions, and when you are so desperate to find some kind of reason for their behaviour and sniff out any evidence of humanity, you really need to cease contact with him.

HE needs to speak to you, HE wants to tell you what he thinks about the pregnancy, HE wants to justify where he is and what he's doing, HE wants to spin more of his web of lies with you.

What do YOU need? Any of the above shit in your life? Nope, probably not. You need to forget his head-fuckery and focus on the steps you're taking to protect yourself.

Opening yourself up to communication with him is the opposite of protecting yourself...

Dear Lou, I'm sorry that you are having to go through this but I must say that you are doing really well and are being a realist in all that has happened. My STBXH left in the night and it took me to find out about the OW that he refused to say anothing about. My five months have been hard but I have two DC that pull me through.

Friends and family have been great and have supported me emotionally and at times financally - without them we would still be living without a boiler, kitchen, and in all the other junk he left behind. This weekend saw the last of it being removed!

I would recommend that you stay firm, my 'idiot' agreed a divorce on adultery, refused and would only go on 'unreasonable behaviour' then refused that and wanted adultery again as it didnt list some of his other failings in our marriage. Just keep all contact via sols - he will quickly get fed up about your lack of response. Every email he sends forward to them, it will cost but it shows his attitude towards you and the pregancy.

Good luck. XXX

I just had to chuckle at your text to him last night - assuming he was with OW he probably thinks you're either psychic or having him followed and is no doubt currently shitting himself - well done you!

Have you changed his name on your phone and your email contacts list to "Chutney"? It might help you, as a reminder of this thread when opening messages from him.

I'd be tempted to text back: "Your way of leaving made situation very clear. There is nothing that requires discussion at present".

Then wait until you have found a solicitor you are happy with.