Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Good luck with the solicitor today Lou, go for the jugular.

Lou, just a word of warning here. Although other posters are quite right to state to keep contact brief, if all contact is through solicitors the financial implications are enormous. Solicitors locally tend to charge £165 to £185 plus VAT per hour then extras for letters etc (£16 in and similar amount out). I know that bills can soon amount to thousands of pounds and I had to remortgage my home as I was not entitled to legal aid.

A good solicitor will tell you this. I have seen people become extremely angry when they receive huge invoices - I mentally added mine up and was pretty close to the mark when I received mine. I avoided general chit chat and let him know what I wanted to discuss before the appointment so he could prepare.

Solicitors are solicitors - they are not counsellors and are not there to listen to all your problems. They deal in cold, hard facts and time is money. Do ask around for recommendations please. A membership of Resolution is a good indication.

I had a solicitor who said he would "fight" for me whereas in reality he talked a load of bullshit and backed down in court trying to get me to accept a deal I did not want and pressurised me so he would not lose face.

I know this may seem harsh to you, but I don't want to see you make the same mistakes as me. My situation was different in that it was a children act case rather than matrimonial, but both are of course emotive issues.

Yes, my phone says "twunt" as I couldn't stand to see his name come up. Seeing his name was surreal as it was normal and life is so far from normal! Now it says twunt and makes me feel happy :-)

I will change it when DD learns to read...!!

Onwards and upwards....

Hi Lou,

Delurking - I think you are doing so well. My H left a few months ago, having had an affair, porn issues and remortaging the house. He took the Cath Kidston tea towels...

It does get easier. I have realised now, similar to you, that the less I engage, the angrier he gets, as he hates not having control. I do still find it hard not to cave then, as I always hated it when he was horrible to me. He has told me now he wants to force me out of the house and is going for full custody of our dd. They just want to retain power at all costs, but doesn't mean it isn't terrifying. Keep being as strong as you can and collapse when you can't. It will get easier.

Lou I so admire how you are slowly regaining control. Can you feel it? He is on the back foot because you are not following the script. No way back? Damn right!

Hey come on Lou,STBX will probably email, but you don't have to read it on your own.

Fingers crossed for the solicitor,

You're doing really well.

Step away from match.com ! :) vastly overpriced site. You don't have to make your life sound exciting LouP it will be exciting to someone in the future as they will have the same interests. I was single for 3 years after X walked so you don't even need to think about that yet. What you could do WRT the lawyers is to utilise the free 30mins with more than one also that way they cannot represent chutey as it wld be a conflict of interest :)

Set up a filter on your email so a thing from him goes into a Chutney folder, then only read when you are feeling strong. This will stop the possibility of an email derailing you when you're in the midddle of checking your mail. Only open his folder once a week, and for the rest of the time get on with the stuff you want or need to get on with.

Sorry to hear what your friend said about the sol. It may simply e that your friend expected them to be more of a counsellor and less of a solicitor - you say she's a mememe type person? Her perception could be very different from yours, so keep your mind open until you find out for yourself. Good luck with it.

Still amazed at how strong you are being with him Lou. You are brilliant.

I hope the solicitors goes well, what didn't work for your friend may well work for you. Give them a chance and see what they're like and how you feel about them. Don't be deflated yet!

You sound like an amazing, funny, caring, wonderful woman Lou. Any guy would be lucky to have you, so don't worry about future relationships. You will find one who deserves to share his life with you and the cats :)

Don't underestimate the power of guilt, Lou. The law, with its no fault, no blame ethos, will give you the bare minimum. But public opinion takes a very different view. You are in a very strong position, especially now it seems his parents are on board. He will be very anxious about how others see him and want to make amends to look good to them.

He is admitting in his texts that he is at fault and has done you wrong. This won't, unfortunately, last. But while it does, make the most of it, particularly in areas such as his taking responsibility for bills and mortgage for a set period, above and beyond what he is legally bound to do.

Find out what you're entitled to, but push for more privately on the grounds of what any decent man would do.

Hi Loup

I've been reading your threads with growing admiration for you. I think you're dealing with this amazingly... with strength and dignity and in such a measured way... although it might not always feel that way, it's how you come across.

I haven't had much to say before now that hasn't already been said.

However, I do have a couple of observations on finding a solicitor.

I wholeheartedly agree with ElsieMc who said:

Solicitors are solicitors - they are not counsellors and are not there to listen to all your problems. They deal in cold, hard facts...

I'm a solicitor (not family law, unfortunately) and the best solicitors I have worked with and trained with are those who can stay dispassionate when it matters. That's not to say that they won't feel or express empathy - you'd have to be practically psychotic not to want to call Chutney Twunt every name under the sun and feel outraged on your behalf... but you need them to stay level headed, keep on top of the facts, be cool, calm and collected when you can't be because that's their job.

I'm not convinced that shopping around and getting free advice here and there is a good way forward, because different solicitors may take slightly different approaches to dealing with your case. It's often about strategy, especially in teh early stages. There's no format to follow when dealing with divorce and you may end up getting more confused and feeling more unsure about the process.

Hope your appointment today goes/ went well, Loup.

Stay strong xx

Hang in there Lou. Hope the nobber is beginning to feel the consequences of his actions!

Hi Lou,

I wish I had something really insightful and helpful to add but all I can say is that I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and that you seem to be so strong, you're amazing.

Congratulations on the pregnancy too... I know everything is up in the air at the moment so just know that whatever you decide to do you seem to have a lot of RL support as well as the brilliant posts you've had on here..

Good luck today xxxxxx

another lurker, delurking to say...

I agree with LulaPalooza. I am not a solicitor but have used them several times. The bills can be huge. It doesn't matter if you like them. Or whether or not you feel they are empathetic towards you. So don't waste their time and your money trying to make friends and hope for their sympathy.
What matters is that they have the important facts and any evidence, they need to have the time, knowledge and the experience to represent you well and you takes notes whenever they offer you advice.

Personally i would not send them each and every text/ communication as soon as you receive it, I'd keep them and send them in batches every so often.

I wouldn't help your ex either by giving him advice. My only emails to him would be written with the solicitor/ judge in mind and I'd think of them as headed "Dear Judge". So they can be emotional to demonstrate your shock at the marriage breakdown and your hurt at his actions, but don't resort to calling him names or the OW either. (You can save those for after the divorce is through and you have your settlement which will hurt him far more than anything you could possibly say to him now).

Hello all, thanks for your messages.

Well, a positive morning. Saw the solicitor for the free 20 minutes, she sat with us for nearer 50. She was calm, thorough and very helpful. She also initiated some points we wanted to push for (like he continues to pay the mortgage for a while), without us having to prompt her. She was factual but also sympathetic and seems to think we can push for some sort of maintenance payment until I'm able to earn more, whether there's a baby or not. She's also suggested a loophope where I may qualify for legal aid.

Overall, she was brilliant, not just because she said what I wanted to hear, but because she just had a calm authoratitive manner about her which impressed. She also said she's been doing this for 25 years (unlike the one I saw last week who didn't look a day over 30). She's recommended what her first step would be - a letter to him stating our intentions and asking him what his are - and I am happy with that. So I've rang back and hope to book an appointment with her by the end of this week to get the ball rolling. So still early days and yes I'm aware of the cost implications etc, but feeling slightly more upbeat.

On the other hand, he has texted again, this morning. I was at my parents with my Brother and Dad preparing for the meeting with the solicitor. I know you probably think I make this up, but I don't, I couldn't!! 'I am really not very happy at all. I need to speak to you as soon as possible. I could not amswer last night as I was driving and then my phone was on charge. I would like to speak to you at lunchtime today.'

I'm waiting for the comments to roll. It's my favourite part of this threat - the interpretations of his texts. .

Oh, can I go first:

'This is not going according to MY plan. I am losing control and you are misbehaving. I need to urge you again to abort the baby. I am worried about putting it in an email as this could be used against me. I couldn't answer last night as I was at home with the other woman and she has no idea you're pregnant or how I left. I need to speak to you at lunchtime today because it has to be done in work hours so she doesn't find out. I am a compulsive bullshitter'

Hello Lou. Solicitor sounds excellent. Just goes to show it is about personal fit, just because she was not right for your friend doesn't mean she's not right for you. Would be great to get the ball rolling sharpish, as you say.

About the text - well, first off, I think, he's committed the schoolboy error of over-explaining. One excuse for not picking up might be plausible, two is just pathetic. Driving and then after that phone needed charging? It's all bluster.

I'm sure the Chutney gang will be along with more :)

Glad to hear the solicitor meeting went well, what is he not happy about? Because you are not letting him take control? (not that you should care). He clearly didnt realise what he had let himself in for when he stole the contents of your kitchen cupboards.....good for you!!

I couldnt keep up yesterday but i think he had booked counselling for then? I am guessing that it didnt happen?

Glad the meeting was positive, Lou, that must be a real weight off your mind. I think your summary of the text is pretty spot on.

Funnily enough I can use my phone when it's charging....

Maybe you could make a pinata with his face on it and beat it 'til the sweets fall out? :)

Hi Lou, I've read from the beginning and wanted to add my support.

My text interpretation

'you were right but I'm not telling you that because I prefer to believe my own lies and kid myself that you're not wise to my game, so I'm making up some gumph. I need to talk to you because you are not dancing to my tune and that's making me unhappy, and I've convienently forgotten it's me that did this and caused all this'

Tell you what... You couldn't make these things up.... Do you feel like you're in the middle of a badly written soap? I certainly did / do! These men seem to think we are so daft that we honestly believe every word.

He doesn't matter now and I would say he's started to realise that you are now taking proactive steps for yourself. He won't like it as he no longer knows what you are thinking, which means he is losing the upper hand and control

'I am not very happy at all' - He really is the gift who keeps on giving isn't he! . Who does he think he is, TWAT

I'm not going to interpret what that Wanker could possibly be thinking as others will do it so much better.

Also glad your meeting went well, positive news especially if you can access legal aid.

Oh and while I'm here, the previous texts were running through my mind too:
I can't see any way back from here = now that you've outrageously told my parents that I made you pregnant (at the "worst possible time" when we were both trying our hardest to, duh, get pregnant), I have lost face and my good-guy standing, and because that is all your fault I now won't come back and grace your life with my chutney-loving presence again.

On that subject, is there any chance that his parents would want to help out financially if it were a case of securing a home for their potential grandchild? They obviously feel shock and shame, and maybe they will want to make some gesture to make up for what a cock of a son they've raised?