is this the behaviour of someone that likes women.

[itsodd]

I posted a few days ago after discovering the man I'm seeing had only had sex 5 Times ( at the age of 28) before we met. I am very surprised by this as he seems very confident in the bedroom and we quickly progressed, within a few weeks to dressing up, bondage, anal, sex toys etc. Not to be too graphic, but just to set it all in the correct context.
Ive said to him before how the first night we had sex, he played some high risk moves, that had strong potential to backfire ie: slapping my boobs, little bit of whipping with his belt, pinning me down hard. These things are fine with me, I like them, but he Didnt know that, we hadn't discussed sex at all, so it was a strange thing for him to do.
When he confessed to the only recently having been a virgin i.told him that made what he did the first night even more crazy, in fact it makes it almost incomprehensible. He told me he had been thinking about that and what had happened was a girl at his work had come onto him strongly earlier on in the day, he was cross about her wanting casual sex from him and he took it out on me In a ' take that women kind' kind of a way.
I told him that was terrible.

It's been bugging me since, It's not the kind of thing you say, and now I know our first sex wasn't about us but about some other woman!!!

^AF, according to the OP though that is not quite how it happened.

The first night the OP and this man had sex, he was quite rough. OP says she enjoyed it. Some people like something other than vanilla, so who are any of us to judge why she continued.^

No, no, no.

The first night this bloke enacted violence without consent. It's got nothing at all to do with whether the sex was 'vanilla' or otherwise.

If the OP had posted just that story 5 months ago, lots of posters would have advised her to run for the hills.

Agree with mcmooncup totally

I knew from the op that this was going to be porn influenced - he did the high risk moves because that's his expectations of sex, what porn has taught him.
I'd have gone by now!

If the OP had posted, 5 months ago, that she'd had the most amazing night of sex for the first time with a man she'd known for a little while, that it had been quite full on, but it was exactly the sort of sex she loved, then I think most of us would have said good for her.

If the OP had posted, 5 months ago, that she'd had sex for the first time with a man who she had been dating and that she'd hated it as it was far more full on than she was comfortable with, we would have said run for the hills, I am sure.

I'd run like fuck and never look back.

He's a loon!

Would you have said 'good for her' if she'd said that the sexual violence that she ended up enjoying was enacted without her initial consent then Rinders?

That's the point you seem to be missing.

Men who do what they want sexually without consent should always be shown the door. It was an obvious and early red flag. This led to him pushing further boundaries that fortunately the OP did object to, but was only able to after the event because yet again, he obtained no consent.

Yet again I say this is not about enjoyable sex, it's about consent.

ive had two seriously abusive relationships. both started exactly like this and progressed to out and out violent rape. get out before it spills out of the bedroom. once he has established this dynamic in the bedroom its really easy for it to find its way out.
tight with money also a big red flag for a controlling personality.

Your posts about what he has said and done have made my skin crawl, what an utterly vile man, you need to act on your instinct and get out now.

It's got nothing to do with full on wild sex. Absolutely spectacularly missing the point.

Decent men, and women. Decent people who are into various things. ALWAYS discuss this first. They do NOT start slapping and getting the belts out on the first shag, without even discussing it or obtaining consent.

How many times does it have to be said, by various people. It's not the "sex" it's not the acts, is got nothing to do with "vanilla". It's the lack of consent which from the very off, meant this would only have one ending.

Really, house. Only one ending? One strike and you are out. You can be so absolutely cocksure, right.

It sounds like your Twat Radar is in overdrive.

It sounds to me that House's radar is entirely accurate, actually.

Would those disagreeing here really have continued a relationship with someone who slapped your breasts and whipped you with his belt during a first sexual encounter, without asking first if you consented to that?

If so, there are more women than the OP on this thread whose radar needs recalibrating somewhat......

Any man who brings violence, into the bedroom WITHOUT consent, or talking about it first. Yes he's a sure fire twat. Who has no respect for women, or the person concerned, their feelings or welfare.

So it was always going to end this way.

You aren't surely trying to suggest otherwise are you blue? That a man who slaps and whips with a belt on the first shag, with no prior discussion, or concern to whether it was ops thing. Could be anything else, but dangerous. Or are you?

In which case I would suggest you look at your own twat radar, mine is fine.

Wow just wow.

I think any normal womans radar would be howling at the filthy bitches comment,blueshoes what the actual fuck????!

I agree that it is advisable to discuss non-vanilla sexual behaviour before embarking on it. The fact that the man did not is something that would put me on alert.

What I would consider is a red flag is having started on this, the OP said 'no' and the man did not stop. That to me would be a showstopper.

OP never got to this point because luckily for him, she did not object and quite enjoyed it. I disagree that there can only be one ending to this situation. That just sounds hysterical.

The more you post blue shoes the more it looks like you prob have pretty low standards yourself.

Hmmm maybe men like this actually appeal to some women, and that's very scary!

he Didnt know that, we hadn't discussed sex at all, so it was a strange thing for him to do.

I'd read this far when I saw the big red flag. There are clearly many others (haven't read whole thread as would find it triggering). It is perfectly OK for you to like these things but someone doing them without asking for consent and discussing it with you is completely and totally wrong by everyone's standards, in kink scene and out of it.

Yes, because it's concerning that you think the behaviour has to be cumulative to be concerning. Most of these things individually are enough for most people.

Actually londonone, you are once again showing an uncanny ability to jump to conclusions without any basis.

I have never been in an abusive relationship and I have had quite a few. Any sign of violence (of which there wasn't any because I have no tolerance of twat), they would have been out on their ear. My dh is the kindest gentlest person I know and we are going to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary soon.

I honestly think a lot of women need their radar tuning........I've already fessed up to mine......the porn laden patriarchal structure we live amongst is pretty terrifying when you realise the extent of the brainwashing.

But blue, you are definitely missing this point about consent............?

I have already addressed the point of consent.

You do need challenging blue. As you are suggesting, that a one off, shouldn't necessarily be enough for a one strike and you are out.

You seem to be suggesting that infact as long as most of the behaviour is normal. Individual instances don't necessarily scream show stopping red flags.

Even if those red flags are, sexual violence without consent. Ohhh and going too far on several occasions, as he forgot she was a "real woman" unlike those in porn so he forgot she wouldn't react the same

It's actually dangerous, especially to op, how you are normalising it. That is why people are challenging you, IT IS DANGEROUS.

blue - you addressed the consent issue by saying it would "put you on alert"

It should be that "you show them the door"

That's it. Simples. Somethings are not worth second chances. That is the biggest dealbreaker there is for a sexual relationship.