is this the behaviour of someone that likes women.

[itsodd]

I posted a few days ago after discovering the man I'm seeing had only had sex 5 Times ( at the age of 28) before we met. I am very surprised by this as he seems very confident in the bedroom and we quickly progressed, within a few weeks to dressing up, bondage, anal, sex toys etc. Not to be too graphic, but just to set it all in the correct context.
Ive said to him before how the first night we had sex, he played some high risk moves, that had strong potential to backfire ie: slapping my boobs, little bit of whipping with his belt, pinning me down hard. These things are fine with me, I like them, but he Didnt know that, we hadn't discussed sex at all, so it was a strange thing for him to do.
When he confessed to the only recently having been a virgin i.told him that made what he did the first night even more crazy, in fact it makes it almost incomprehensible. He told me he had been thinking about that and what had happened was a girl at his work had come onto him strongly earlier on in the day, he was cross about her wanting casual sex from him and he took it out on me In a ' take that women kind' kind of a way.
I told him that was terrible.

It's been bugging me since, It's not the kind of thing you say, and now I know our first sex wasn't about us but about some other woman!!!

I am also very sad that you are looking back at a totally fucked up situation and thinking "it was nice for a while, to think that someone cared about me". You are far better than that sort of relationship

I think you're probably sad for the loss of someone you thought you were with for the best part of 5 months, rather than the loss of the reality...a seriously fucked up individual who was potentially dangerous.

Well done OP. I guess you know that the best thing now is to ignore his calls and texts and cease to engage

No, you are to be commended for recognising this relationship had lots of red flags and not staying within it. Too many women do.

Agree with Rinders totally

londonone, you can lay off the OP. You are almost implying that her dcs are at risk.

OP has been on her own for 4.5 years. She was with him for 5 months before considering introducing him to the dcs. And she came on this thread to double-check her concerns. She has now very quickly told him where to get off. Lesson learnt alright?

Why should I lay off the OP. the fact she had to start a thread on the Internet to ascertain how fucked up the situation is, shows how skewed her judgement is. It was blindingly and overwhelming obvious to everyone who posted, but not the op. As many posters have said it was blindingly obvious from the first time they had sex, yet the op continued to see him for 5 months. So yes from the information posted I do have doubts as to whether the op is able to make judgements that keep her and her children safe. Why is it so wrong to actually tell it as it is. The op seems to think she has bulletproof 'twat radar" when this is patently not the case.

Londonme, are you always so quick to form judgments. Very nice for the families you 'support'.

I have formed a judgement from the info given, which is what the Op was asking for

Blue shoes - I work with the children, who have no choice in the relationship choices their parents make.

londonone, you have formed a judgement on very selective information the OP has given. She said that she was considering introducing this man to her children before he disclosed all that incredibly distasteful information to her. Obviously, now she has realised he has some very fucked-up ideas, she has dumped him and is in no way about to start playing happy families with him.

You patently have your 'twat-radar' on full alert at all times. Perhaps you should engage your 'compassion and understanding-radar' and join the OP in breathing a huge sigh of relief that she has dumped the twat.

I actually think its more dangerous to the op, and less helpful. To actually sit back and congratulate her on her fully functions twat rader.

Than it is to actually question it, question why she thinks it's so bullet proof. Why it did not go off with the HUGE red flags that were presenting themselves. Why she let this clearly dangerous man stick around for 5 months when the flags were waving all over the show.

As London has said. Women do go from abused to abuser. Not their fault, these men smell it. If any post actually manages to get through to the op. that from the very first moment he took violence into the relationship without consent. Was a huge red flag. (ignoring he admitted many times he forgot she was a person with feelings, when going too far).

Then mn would have done well imvho,

he belted your tits and told you that it was to "get back at womenkind" the first time you had sex ?

and 5 months later you are still asking strangers on the internet if he's ok, really, just a bit misunderstood

you wasted time asking about virginity and shit ?

you actually contemplated introducing him to your dc ?

erm, and people are congratulating this woman on her "twat radar" ?

come on...

OP....are you going to contiinue to engage with his calls and texts ?

OP is not and has not gone from 'abuser to abuser' in 4.5 years. Calm down will you, House and londonone.

We are not in OP's shoes so don't know the full story. He could be very normal otherwise. My public school boyfriend was very normal at first if a bit reserved.

I am sure the OP has heard the message loud and clear about the red flags. She spotted it herself. So don't patronise her. Also, don't imply her children will end up being abused, that is truly sickening. Give her the benefit of the doubt, jeez.

Goldenfucker, No one is congratulating her on her twat radar. Read the thread first instead of making it up.

Erm she has gone from abuser to abuser....this guys is fucked up no?

The first time he was with her......he slapped her tits, pinned her down hard and whipped her with a belt. FIRST HUGE RED FLAG. To get the hell out of it right there.

This isn't just appeared. The signs he was dangerous were there from the off. Op missed them, which isn't her fault, but she did.

She then in her later posts, says many, many other odd things have happened. Not least that on several occasions he has gone way too far. Admitting he forgot she was a real woman, unlike the ones in porn, so she won't react the same .

It's pretty clear the guy was dangerous and fucked up from the off given the information, even limited with the ops posts. It does not matter if he is normal the rest of the time. This behaviour should have had the op running, running fast, not staying for 5 months. I'm frankly gobsmacked that people have missed these quite serious points.

The point is. She didn't spot red flags which were 5 miles wide. It took 5 months and something else for the penny to drop. That's why people are rightly worried about her going forward. She didn't spot the most outrageously bright red flags, anywhere quickly enough.

I read the thread

AF, according to the OP though that is not quite how it happened.

The first night the OP and this man had sex, he was quite rough. OP says she enjoyed it. Some people like something other than vanilla, so who are any of us to judge why she continued.

They had a relationship for some 5 months after that. Then this man admitted to the OP that he had, until very recently, been a virgin. This made the OP question most especially how he'd have had enough experience to have performed as he did that first night. Man then confesses it was because he was angry at another woman and wanted to do something to punish women in general. Twat alert starts beeping like mad.

It has taken the OP a few days to process all of the stuff he has said over the past few months, to add 2 and 2 together and come to the conclusion to run like the wind and never look back.

Things aren't always as simple as seeing things coldly written down. Of course, with all of the information presented in the same place, at the same time, we can all reach the same conclusion. This man showed the OP his true colours, she listened, posted on here for some validation, and has now dumped him. No need for such judgement and vilification by some posters, imo.

The important outcome of this thread is that Itsodd has done what we all know many women don't, which is get rid of him, and for that she deserves a (((hug))).

And yet again, I agree with Rinders

Blue shoes - if she continues on getting into relationships with abusive men her children will suffer, that is not supposition, that is a fact. She didnt spot it herself if she had she wouldn't be on the bloody Internet asking about it. There is no problem with rough sex, it's the lack of consent etc that's he problem. Also most abuses are "very normal otherwise"

God, some of you are like dogs with fucking bones, aren't you? I think the OP has the message now.

OP, I'm sorry your thread has descended. Hopefully you'll be able to take some useful advice (ie don't engage with him any further now he's dumped) from amongst the scrapping

It's the lack of consent.

The other weird stuff he's done and talked about.

The most chilling. Several times over this five month relationship. He went too far as he forgot she was a "real" woman and wouldn't react like the ones in porn.

It actually really upsets me to think that op put up with that, thinking he was a nice guy. His views on women were clear from the off. Very clear. This is not something which has just manifested itself.

Which actually really does, genuinely bother me, that if op genuinely does not see how this all come about and this was always him. She will meet another, just like him, or worse :(

Another one who thinks Ops 'twat radar' is fully functional.

After 5 months she's had the sense to question his behaviour, seen the red flags and ended it.

It's really hard to hear all this OP, I know. I have been in an abusive relationship, and immediately after and for a while after I thought I knew how to spot them, but I accept now that my radar still needs constant tuning.

Turns out I needed to work a lot harder than I expected to get myself to a proper emotionally healthy place. I'm not even there yet....not bitten the bullet yet for a relationship and am aware of why I haven't. And now kinda like being single.

I think actually this place that is emotionally healthy, where we don't accept any shit and abusive behaviour is harder to get to than we give it credit. The 'acceptance' of abusive behaviour is so engrained in us, so deep, and genuinely takes some conscious effort to break it. Again, that is not blaming you, it is just that when you have been abused, you have also been brainwashed and programmed and you have to take each little part and break it down and re-programme yourself. It's really tough. But not impossible I don't think.