Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

I'm so sorry. I can't think of any other explanation.

It all depends what you want to do. If you confront him and he admits it, decisions have to be made. Does he stay or does he go? Do you want him to stay? What are the implications of his staying? What are the implications of his leaving.

If you do want to confront him, this is what I have done with my ex husband.

I sat him down and said, "How long have you been having an affair?

It's an open question so he has to say something. You shouldn't say anything until he's spoken. Don't say, "I just thought, because..." or "I just need to know..." or "How could you?" Just ask the question, then say nothing. (That is quite hard because if he answers you will hear something that really hurts you and it's natural to try to prevent that happening.)

If he asks what you're talking about, just say, "I know."

In my experience that freaks them out.

If he then says "What do you mean, you know? What do you know?" then he's really asking the question - WHAT do you know, how much should he give away, etc.

In that situation say, "I know you're having an affair. Don't ask me how I know because I won't tell you, but I do know. I don't know everything, but I do know that. Please don't lie and say you're not."

However, please don't think a marriage automatically has to end because of an affair. All will depend on his attitude, how long it's gone on, whether he wants to stay, whether you can stomach him in the house.

I would be very straightforward and ask him what the hell is going on and to hand the BB over.

Being distant and sleeping with someone else are MILES apart

Try not to jump to conclusions

Say you've noticed he is distant and have a discussion to sort it

Hiya - if I were in your shoes I would be suspicious.

Your gut feeling is something is wrong, might not be what you think, but if someone else had typed this up on MN what would you think?

You need to start snooping (I would). Laptop - emails/history.

Search his bag, diary? Bank Statements/phone bills. His car?

A friend of mines husband hid another moby in with the spare tyre to keep in contact with his OW.

Get proactive!

Very sorry this is happening to you. Its not nice.

I would never snoop

I would ask

I second imperials excellent advice. I am so so sorry but I can't think of another explanation, and instinct is usually pretty good in these situations. I would sit him down and just ask 'how long?' etc and take it from there. Everything will then depend on how he reacts, what he says the simple use of a calm 'i know' should from
His reaction tell you all you need to know. Again I'm really sorry

Blimey if my husband thought I was cheating every time I acted distant we would have divorced along time ago

he may be having some sort of involvement with someone else but I don't think jumping in with both feet is the sanswer if you have no actual proof

trying not to be blunt, but well, he is disappearing off upstairs, you go up and the lights are out, he has his phone? You have sex once a month (that really isn't very much), you have twins (you must be knackered). Could it be that hes having a wank??? just that?

Talk to him, dont mention the blackberry - tell him all the rest of it, then maybe depending on the rest of the conversation, ask him about the phone? It isn't reasonable to say, "youve got that phone surgically attached WTAF is going on" it is however reasonable to say "you are so distant lately, i really feel a gulf is developing, we need to address this" and not accept "dont worry, im just tired" as an answer.

Best of luck, i really hope you manage to sort things out. Either way, he is being a cock.

Cybbo, there's a lot more to it than her husband acting distant. Read the OP. Her husband's behaviour has completely changed.

I have read the OP

Lucyellens advice good

Of course it has changed, they have twins! Im not defending, im not, but having babies changes everything doesn't it. I do think his behaviour is suspicious, but his behaviour doesn't necessarily have to be because he is having an affair. Could he be attached to that sodding phone because he is in trouble at work, trying to sort it out, not saying anything to his wife because he doesnt want to worry her, stressed so acting distant? I think thats equally possible.

Either way, OP, you need to talk to him, at some point, you need to know what has been going on with the phone, but don't make accusations, not at this stage. Or, just say come out and say it - "are you having an affair" show him your OP, or something similar, with all those details and say, "well, you would forgive me for thinking you are........."

I don't think you should snoop because two wrongs don't make a right. Tell him you're concerned, unhappy, feeling suspicious and ask him if there's anything wrong. Mention the disappearances upstairs and the Blackberry kept close to the chest and judge his explanation. Ask if you can read his text messages and assess his reaction. You know this man well and you'll be able to tell if he's lying or looks caught-out

The advice these threads attract worries me , it's all accuse him, hand phone over, tell him you know he's having an affair. Not helpful IMO

I agree cybbo, to a degree - there is something amiss and the OP is entitled to find out what that is, but yes an accusation of an affair is not going to be well received! She just needs to talk, frankly, and if she feels he is having an affair, she needs to be at least able to seek reassurance that this isnt happening.

Can you maybe be a bit sneaky and find a reason that you need to use his blackberry? I know its a work phone but maybe wait until he has it out and then think of something "urgent" that you need to use it for and see if he's reluctant to hand it over? I do think it sounds like an affair but without much evidence i'm not sure how i'd go about it.

From what you've said, I don't think an affair would be my first guess at the reason behind his behaviour.
I wonder if tiredness is taking its toll on both of you- presenting in him with distance, and you by feeling insecure about your relationship.
I'd sit him down and discuss how you're feeling, it's a genuine problem and I don't want to come across as though I'm minimising how you feel, and try and open up to each other more.
I wouldn't, personally, go in all guns blazing accessing him of cheating, especially when there's no real evidence to say that he is.
Sorry you're having a tough time

Accusing* buggering iPhone

Just to add two more possible explanations, to open your mind up from the circles it's been running in:

He could be gambling/in debt as a result. The gambling could be online, necessitating the use of the BlackBerry, and worries about it could definitely lead to emotional "distance".

He could be "at risk" of redundancy (the emotional distance) and be conferring with colleagues about it (itself a risk, as it takes proper emotional engagement away from you and his family).

I am not saying you are stupid to suspect an affair, but getting out of the rut of that one suspicion could help you to think more clearly about how to find out what is going on.

He's cheating.

Or, if we analyse this logically.

1. He's using his Blackberry to communicate with someone at all hours of the day and night.
2. He is keeping it secret/trying to be discreet which he wouldn't bother doing if it was legitimate work stuff.
3. He is 'checking out' of the relationship, whilst being a 'perfect' husband in order not to arouse suspicion.
4. The OP's gut instincts tell her that he is cheating - go with the gut instinct, in my experience, it's nearly always right.

Sorry, OP, I wish I could say 'he's just tired' and agree with Cybbo etc above, but the danger there is that you put time and effort into trying hard to fix things - and it's your husband who needs to try harder, not you. Take care of yourself.

what lovespeace said ^^ take care op x

Wouldn't surprise me if he is having an affair, but the alarm bells aren't ringing quite as loud as they usually do on threads like these.

I think he is definitely having a secret wank every day and possibly using porn sites on BB. Affair certainly possible as well.

BB use is suspicious but then my own BB use is just as obsessive/rampant and I know I'm not having an affair.

Would he access porn on a work phone though?

When is he conducting this affair? From the description in the OP he doesn't have the necessary hours in his life.

I'm with cybbo but will express myself more strongly: MN attracts emotional vultures waiting for what they hope are dying relationships.

Is he likely to use a work phone for contacting ow or looking at porn?! Wouldn't this get him in to a lot of trouble at work?!

He is taking a big risk there if that is what he is doing, surely he would just buy a cheap pay as you go if he was up to something dodgy on the phone...
Otherwise he is risking the sack and your financial security!

The women who "would never snoop" are the ones who feel foolish that they didn't do it at the outset and save themselves months, if not years, of heartache.
Instincts are rarely wrong, there is something wrong and sometimes snooping is the only way to find the truth.