Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

Does he run. Why did he go to watch the end of the women's road race. What did he take photos of? Can you download the pics when he is not around.

How big is his work company? The IT dept, from past experience, often log numbers of emails/ website visits, can you imply that someone from IT spoke to you in the supermarket as if he was hinting at something.

Who do you know from his work. Could you have bumped into someone who you could say told you they were worried about his weird behaviour?

If it is an affair when are they meeting? At work? after work? lunchtimes? meetings out of town?

Can you threaten to phone his boss and say you are so worried about his change of behaviour lately that you think he may be having a breakdown.

If it's important to him to be respected at work he might panic at any suggestion that you would contact someone there. Depends on the tone, if it's all lads together then him having an affair might be acceptable behaviour.

a well-known apologist for bad male behaviour should have no sway on this thread

I wasn't apologising for his behaviour, I was suggesting that jumping straight away to the "affair" conclusion was a bit peremptory gioven the circumstances.

And when I have MN's favourite man-hater reaching for the ad hominems, I know I'm probably on the right track :o

If you're on the right track, can you explain how "18m/o twins plus very little sex" is an explanation for someone's suddenly keeping work BB on him at all times and suddenly starting to use it to sned texts/emails at all hours of the day and night?

All this would be driving me nuts OP.
I think i would just confront him and ask the question

there's a "track" you're on WMW but it ain't the right one

Good luck - I would have the conversation sooner than later.

Always trust your instincts and his behaviour shows many signs of having an affair.

And if he denies, then ask for his BB there and then. His reaction will be telling.

Just to offer some support, I really hope it's not bad news, but if it is, you will get lots of great advice and support here. Sending you all best vibes.

Agree with Charbon here, btw. His behaviour, whatever the cause, is making you unhappy and he should know this. Relationships do change when you have DC - but that's no excuse for him opting out or gallivanting off when you can't.

Just read this whole thread and I'm sorry if it was a big gathering why would he be buying a bottle??? In my eyes u buy a bottle share between 2....??? Not a huge gathering unless there shoting it!!!

You could phone the restaurant and ask how their receipt slips are written, you are making your claim for expenses from work and can't remember this evening fully.

Or phone the restaurant and say you're Human Resources and this person has been claiming for meals/drinks for two people instead of one and can they explain the receipt.

Does he even drink rose wine usually?

I think I would go with just asking him?

I have nothing to add OP but I've read through the thread and just wanted to say how brave and strong you sound, am proud of you. And snoop snoop snoop!

Its a hard one. I was in the same position once, was convinced that oh at the time was having an affair, but i couldn't prove it. I confronted him with my suspicions several times and was told I was paranoid and over thinking things. He took to sleeping in the spare room, as he didn't want to wake me when he came in late. Anyway he went away for a weekend with some friends. I changed the sheets on the spare bed and found a phone I'd never seen before. And I snooped. The stuff I found was horrible, proved beyond reasonable doubt that he was having an affair, and was in fact away with her that weekend. Aside from being devastated I was so angry that had I hadn't trusted my gut instinct and allowed him to make me feel that the paranoia was all mine.
What I'm trying to say is that you can ask him straight, but it doesn't mean you'd get a straight answer. If i really really suspected there was something going on these days, I'd snoop first and ask questions later, before they have a chance to cover their tracks and hide the evidence!! I would have saved myself months of heartache if I had followed my own advice.

Exactly.... Men having affairs do not tell the truth. I think most of us on this thread have been in your position. My ExH was so devious it took literally years for me to get to the bottom of it, wasn't until he was seen in a restaurant by a member of my famy with ow and he still tried to talk his way out of it!!!! If he refuses to hand over the phone, he has something to hide. Can't see any other way for you to find anything concrete atm. Thinking of you though... x

Deep down you know the truth, although you desperately want H to come up with a reasonable explanation that isn't the one staring you in the face. Getting confirmation is heart-breaking. Can I ask if you have people in RL that you can talk to both before and after as you are going to need it. Doing it on your own is desperately lonely.

In approaching your H you could say baldly:

"How long have you been having the affair for?"

When he splutters/denies it

"Show me your phone"

He'll presumably refuse which will be confirmation enough. You will then need to decide what you want to do/how you want to play it, and that is the hardest bit (((hug)))

there's a "track" you're on WMW but it ain't the right one

Possibly, but IMO 18 month old twins and very little sex can create enough tension between 2 people for most of this stuff to happen.

I agree with those who say a bit of snooping is better than confrontation.

I find the phone behaviour bizarre because it'd be so obvious if it was an affair.

im properly going against most posters here but should say i think the way he is behaving is slightly odd but doesnt scream affair.
When you have had baby things chnage, sex lifes change and your relationship changes. Maybe he is struggling being a parent?
As for the phone, mine goes everywhere with me, even to the bathroom some days, i am not having an affair!
just ask him, sit down and talk to him

Hi, I have been on the receiving end of a husband having an affair. I would just like to say, you will never be sure unless you have absolute concrete proof. I just could not take it in and believed all sorts of excuses(lies) until the day I knew of the content of emails between them which included arranging booking hotels and sexual stuff ( found by the OWs H ). this was finally the proof I needed and my H had no choice but to tell me everything once he realised I knew it was a sexual thing and not platonic as he had always insisted. Men will go to extreme lengths to prevent you from finding out and I think it's pointless asking them what's going on as they will definitely lie if they don't want to lose you.
As it sounds like it would be impossible for you sneakily look at his blackberry? I think you should ask him outright to have a look at it. Say you are feeling unsettled and a bit insecure as he's so reluctant to be apart from it and blame it on the hormones and tiredness having young twins perhaps. He should understand, and if innocent he should let you have the phone (and password of course) and show you all the texts, emails, Internet browsing history.
Whatever you do, don't let him have time to delete anything, it has to be there and then and If he doesn't readily let you look at it I would be very worried.
It may all be fine but you definitely NEED to know.
Thinking of you.

OP - I am sorry. I believe from what you've said there is another woman. Ask any woman who's partner has had an affair and they will describe what you've written.

My first question would be: what do you want to do about it? Do you want to know? Not all women do. Sometimes these things blow over and if you are happy with that, and want to wait it out, it's not something I would advise, but it's your call.

If you do want to know the truth, then you will need some support and help, because this will be tough. It may also be a good idea to think about what your response will be if you do find out.

As I see it you have 2 options:

1. Challenge. As another poster said (sorry forgot who), tell him his behaviour is too odd, you've heard rumours and that you want to see his BB there and then - pref after one of his little evening retreats. If he bluffs, refuses, accuses you of being paranoid etc. then he is having an affair.

Anything other than a genuine 'why would you think that?" 'here have a look' is the wrong answer. If I was with a partner I loved and respected, with no history of stalking/paranoia and they thought I was having an affair, I would be concerned and want to know why they felt that way and what I could do to show them that their fears are unfounded.

1. Espionage. Whether it's the old-fashioned PD or the hidden microphone ABIT suggested.

It's a horrible position to be in, but please ignore all those people who tell you you are overreacting. In your gut you know that something is wrong. Listen to that. You deserve to feel happy and secure in a relationship.

Hey Brassica - you OK?

So sorry you're going through this OP. I empathise as i started a thread a short time ago about this. In my case my DH's behaviour was not at the same level as yours. I had caught him texting twice and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights and he deleted his messages. Other than that he was totally, 100% 'normal'. No extra trips, excuses to get out of the house, he was still loving etc. I too have a 20 month old DS. I agree with others that it sounds suspicious and you're right to be worried. But i also agree with a post from the beginning that talks about these threads attracting 'emotional vultures'. In my experience, bringing it here can actually serve to make things worse because you over-analyse. Every. Single. Word. You end up listening more to other people than to yourself or your instincts, or even your DH.

My advice? Talk. Talk about your relationship and how you feel. Ask him how he feels. Ask if he's still in love with you. Tell him you still love him but know you've both been pre-occupied with your twins. If he's having some kind of emotional affair it might just stop it in its tracks. Or you might be reassured by his responses that he isn't.

In my case i confronted him, felt like absolute shit for a week, lost all trust in him and it very nearly destroyed our relationship. But it got us talking again, having fun together again, listening to each other again and concentrating on each other again. It turned out he genuinely wasn't having an affair. People will ask how i know and suggest that i am being naive, but i just know. You know your husband better than anybody on these boards who only have your description of the situation to go by. If you look closely at him and his behaviour do you really think he is capable? There are lots of people who will tell you that you never can tell and plenty of good men have affairs and are certainly capable of having affairs. Of course they do. But plenty don't too and it's all too easy to jump to conclusions.

It's suspicious. It doesn't mean he's guilty.

I haven't got the impression from this OP that she would cast people responding to her request for help, as 'emotional vultures'. On this thread Brassica has been extremely polite and well-mannered and seems genuinely grateful that people will give up their time to help a stranger. No-one posts unsolicited advice, the OP gives them permission to state their views.

Denial's an interesting phase though. It makes some people want to hide away, it makes others want to shoot their advisers/messengers and become angry. It passes and only when it does, can the real problems get tackled.