Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

"volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, "

"When is he conducting this affair?".... I agree with that one. Most parents of young children would treat the above as pretty welcome rather than a cause for suspicion. It's difficult to shag your girlfriend with a few babies or a shopping trolley in tow.

My first thought, I'll admit, was either inappropriate texting or porn usage and both are unpleasant but not irretrieveable. If he was suddenly taking weekends away with a hobby or business, that would be when I'd think 'affair'.

Sorry bleedingheart great minds x post!

I think it's difficult to assume anything at this stage given the evidence is very sketchy.... Yes he has changed, dramatically but this could be the result of a whole host of things....
If I were in the OP's position I'd sit down with him and try to discuss my concerns calmly, gauging his responses and reactions etc....
So sorry you are going through this...as if life isn't difficult enough with young twins to look after .
Good luck

I think having twins is bound to have changed the dynamic of your relationship and you are coming out of the new baby fog and are noticing it.

I think it takes about 2 years to become "me" again.

It could be seriously he is trying to take twins off your hand to give you a break - it's not like he is disappearing alone.

Ask him - seriously - just ask - tell him you miss him.

He hasn't changed 'dramatically'. Waiting a whole five minutes before saying Happy Birthday and offering to take children shopping solo is not 'dramatic'. The main change in his behaviour is the secretive phone use. And since phones are not just communication devices now but mini-laptops with internet access, that could mean absolutely anything.

Have used work Blackberry when drunk, obsessively checking and generally being parnoid about being seen to work at all times, including ludicrous times of the night, at a time when redundancies were being mooted. I was quite literally surgically attached to the damned thing. Could it be something like work getting a bit tough and him wanting to take care of it without being seen to be and therefore worrying you?

Having a few friends with OHs going through this sort of thing, they frequently get more distant, grumpy, distracted and generally not like themselves.

I'm not being facetious, dh has probably had fleeting thoughts like this about me...because of mn

If you're focussing on the blackberry use, how about sitting him down and saying, look, I know this might sound silly, but I'm finding myself feeling really suspicious and I don't like it. I keep imagining that you're hiding your blackberry and im driving myself a bit mad. I love you, will you help me? Can I just look at your blackberry right now, to set my mind at rest, and then can we talk about what we can do to try to get a bit more intimacy?
And see what happens.

Sitting down and having a rational conversation is a gamble in situations like these, men who are in the throes of an affair ( or behaving badly in some other way) will deny until they are blue in the face and usually manage to convince women that they are irrational/deluded/crazy and leave them feeling shellshocked and guilty - those of us in good relationships with healthy communication ( or who have always believed they are) think that simply asking a question will get an honest answer but if MN has taught me anything, it's that people having affairs lie and lie and lie some more until it suits them to own up.

I can't think of a single instance over the years where a poster has had her instincts proved wrong in situations like OP's.

I think your gut feeling that he is hiding something is probably accurate. We don't trust our feelings enough and you know him better than we do, OP but it might not be an OW, it could be a financial issue he thinks he's protecting you from.
I would tell him you are concerned about the distance and ask his feelings about it, judging his reaction carefully. I know what people mean about gathering 'proof' but I doubt you will find any and you could drive yourself mad. I also agree that if you ask him straight out it is very unlikely he would admit to an affair at once.

Sorry - the secretive phone behaviour and the nipping out all sounds like an affair to me ... exactly what my STBXH husband did

The only reason I had doubts that he was having an affair was because he never went anywhere .. turns out though he was taking fly days off (after dropping me at work as usual) and going to fake training and fake conferences

Sorry you are going through this OP ..xx

... and what Malificence said

"He hasn't changed 'dramatically'. Waiting a whole five minutes before saying Happy Birthday and offering to take children shopping solo is not 'dramatic'."

I think the woman who is married to him should be the judge of that, don't you?

What Post says
"If you're focussing on the blackberry use, how about sitting him down and saying, look, I know this might sound silly, but I'm finding myself feeling really suspicious and I don't like it. I keep imagining that you're hiding your blackberry and im driving myself a bit mad. I love you, will you help me? Can I just look at your blackberry right now, to set my mind at rest, and then can we talk about what we can do to try to get a bit more intimacy?
And see what happens. "

But if he doesn't willingly and immediately give you access to his Blackberry I would assue 'affair' and pack his bags.

The woman married to him is asking us to judge.... 'WWYD?' is the thread title.

assue assume

Thanks all...must admit I'm totally confused what path to take. Do I just have a husband who is slipping off for a wank or feeling stressed at work, or someone who is slowly disengaging from me and our life together?

I have discussed the question of him seeming distant with him, as said in my OP - actually I first raised it a couple of weeks ago and sort of signposted it. I said we need to talk because I'm unhappy at how you've been with me and I suggest we do it at the weekend so please think about what areas of the relationship you want to fix (giving him the opportunity to say 'sex') and at the time he comforted me as I was crying, and then the weekend came and went, I had my period and he seemed a bit more attentive so I thought I'd been imagining it. The thing was that he never even mentioned it and asked whether I was OK...

So then on Sunday (after his disappearance into town with his BB) I sat him down more tersely and said things really aren't right, and I am disappointed that you didn't ask me before what I had been wanting to talk about. Again I asked whether there was anything wrong in the relationship he wanted to fix. He said nothing's wrong honestly, he'd hoped I was feeling better so hadn't wanted to bring up the conversation, and then tried to come up with ideas to help me feel less unappreciated, torn in different directions etc which has been an issue for me...typical men's stuff - let's deal with practicalities and find solutions. The conversation got away from me and I couldn't then bring up the BB that I was suspicious about.

With hindsight (I wish I could be better at spotting the smell of fish) this all seems very placatory, with the use of distraction and promises to get me to pipe down. Saying 'honestly' nothing is wrong at all with our relationship is fishy, isn't it? Surely everyone can come up with something that's been irking them? And the use of the word 'honestly' is consistent with someone who's lying and not very used to doing so.

It was a good point raised that his opportunities to actually have an affair seem quite limited. I guess I have been assuming that at least some of his work nights out have involved seeing the OW but he has not disappeared for a whole day or night, unless he's been bunking off work to get extra time with her. In my mind I see this being more of an emotional relationship than a physical one, but may be kidding myself.

I absolutely do not think that there is any porn or gambling problem, it's not something he would have any time for (and I know how ridiculous that sounds when I am saying this man I never thought would cheat could be cheating).

What gets me is that I have always thought I, of all people, had a good guy here. His Dad left his Mum when DH was literally just born, for another woman. His Mum has never married again. I truly believe(d) that coming from that situation made him the least likely man of everyone I know to ever leave his wife and children. There is no doubting how much he loves his children, and he couldn't have been more devoted to me in our history together, until however long ago I started to feel this gap opening up.

I feel a bit powerless at the moment, like he isn't giving me the opportunity to find out for sure because he is being just good enough at keeping the secret. Unless an opportunity comes up to find him out - and I will try to follow him upstairs tonight - then I guess I just have to air my suspicions don't I?

I know a girl who thought her husband was cheating and hired a private eye to watch him. Found him in a pub with his ow.

Joke was on him though, she was a sahm so she paid for it out of their joint account.

"Saying 'honestly' nothing is wrong at all with our relationship is fishy, isn't it? "

Anything is fishy if you want it to be. You can find double-meanings if you're looking for them. Sounds like you need to go back to this conversation and ask the questions you didn't ask last time, especially the ones about the phone. If you don't understand the answer, ask another question rather than filling the gaps.....

Our life is shocking at the moment - but I'd ans nothing if anyone asked me what was wrong with mine and dhs relationship - because there is nothing wrong.

I would say, follow your instincts. Stay alert and don't let him get suspicious. It could be nothing at all. But experience and the countless stories on here have shown that on most occasions when a woman feels that something is wrong, it usually is.

I had people telling me to go with my gut and then people like Cybbo suggesting I was imagining it. When I found out he WAS cheating non of the doubters ever came back on my thread to admit they were wrong.

I will say it, go with your gut. I would bide my time though, if he is cheating you will catch him out.

I think you should trust your instincts

Most people in this situation have said that with hindsight that having a calm chat about their suspicions proved only one thing; the stage the affair was at and the depth of feelings at that point for both the OW/OM and the concerned spouse. So a man who's having an affair that he sees only as a 'bit of fun' will be frightened that he's been rumbled and will go overboard to reassure his wife that there's nothing going on. A man who is on the other hand either in the early stages of an affair will react angrily, but will deny and make some half-hearted attempt at reassurance because he's still hedging his bets. A man who is in love with the OW, wants to leave when it suits him but doesn't want to take the blame for it, will react angrily and then demonise his wife, accusing her of being 'mad' and a whole host of other faults.

The only people I've known to confess when confronted are those whose affair is long-ended and they hate the effect the secret is having on their relationship.

The acid test that's fairly reliable after confrontation is whether the behaviour changes for the better and appears utterly genuine i.e. full 'presence' in the relationship. What however tends to happen after these confrontations without evidence is the person having an affair just hides it better e.g. buys a second phone, becomes more disciplined about deleting e mails and texts, warns the OW and asks her to modify her behaviour/demands etc.

The behaviour of someone who falls into the 'accused innocent' category is initial hurt and anger, followed by understanding about why their behaviour has led to suspicions. They can see that if the situations were reversed, they might have had concerns too. If they really value the trust in their relationship, they will be open about the reasons for their behaviour and ask their partners for help. Critically, the behaviour that led to the suspicions will change and for the better.

Individuals who feel that their own mental health is suffering because of unproven suspicions or worse still, denials and gaslighting - should feel no compunction in snooping and thank goodness, this has saved many people's mental health and provided a kind of relief that they weren't 'going mad' after all. And that's entirely right.

No-one has got the right to mess with someone's mental health and no relationship or principled attitude to privacy invasion is more important than good mental health.

So what would I do? I'd go looking for evidence before confronting. My mental health and those of the people dependent on me are way more important to me than any principles about privacy.

You sound so composed OP. I hope you get some answers soon.