Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

OP, you say you can't explain these things any other way, but IMO they could be.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
Perhaps he feels you don't want the contact and so he doesn't put you in the position of refusing him?
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
Wanking?
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
Is there something going on at work that he doesn't want to worry you with? In the current economic climate, there could be.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
Again, he doesn't want to worry you?
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
If you thought he could be checking cricket scores on his phone, why couldn't he have been doing it on his Blackberry?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
I quite liked it when DS was small, DH taking him out and giving me some time to myself. Could it just be that? As for the camera - taking photos of his children?
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.
I'm not a big 'birthday person' so that doesn't sound off to me. Your twins are 18 months old, why would he buy you a present/card 'from them'? Some do, some (I expect most) don't.

If you are a SAHM he is presumably the sole breadwinner right now. Even my oh-so-stable-and-sensible DH found that a bit of a pressure. Some people react to that pressure. And (economic) times are tough right now - could something be going on at work (I presume the Blackberry is issued by his employer) that he doesn't want to scare you with? Could he be feeling down?

I guess I'm saying that whilst something seems to be getting to him right now, I don't see that something as having to be an affair. I think it is just as likely to be work-related.

Sorry to hear what you are going through, and obviously snooping is not the preferred method of action but, in my experience, asking him outright may not uncover anything, because his first instinct will be to deny it. Depending what sort of guy he is obviously.

I went through exactly this in 2004 when DD2 was 2. I gave him the benefit of the doubt etc and tried to excuse his shady behaviour because he wouldnt admit to anything. Confronting him will alert him and could take it even longer for the truth to come out. My ExH was also exemplary, loving etc so his changed behaviour was very obvious. He used to text from the bathroom, take DC out for a walk to ' bump' into the ow, guarded his phone with his life....

You could try talking to him or you could watch him for a while but you will get a lot of support here.... I wish I'd had Mumsnet when it happened to me. Could you talk to a friend who may have some insight?

Go with your gut instinct.

This story could be me. Read the After Infidelity thread. Hope I'm wrong but dp was acting in exactly the same way last year and I just knew something wasn't right. The phone is the biggest giveaway. When they become precious about it it usually means they are hiding something. Dp was. Previous to this he had been just like your dp. He could be conducting an emotional affair in which case he wouldn't need to go out to meet ow. Dp texted quite a bit when dog walking!

Hope I'm wrong but with my own recent experience it sounds like he could be up to something.

I don't know how you play it. The phone is the key.

Hi Op - sorry you are in this agonising and miserable situation.

I think he's either having an affair or interacting with porn sites/dating sites.

Totally trust your gut on this.

I would:

Snoop, snoop and snoop some more - cannot understand anyone saying otherwise. He's given you more than legit reason to be suspicious.

Defintely don't confront him until you have evidence. Or if you do, do it in a very forthright way, tell him you know and demand his Blackberry there and then. Don't give him even 5 seconds out of your sight to delete anything!

A possible explanation is that he is addicted to something online. Be it facebook, twitter, news sites, sports, whatever. My DP is never away from his phone, or ipad, but unlike yours I can access anything I want on it. You could try losing your phone for a day or two and ask to use his?

Before people advise asking, can I repost Slambang's excellent summary of what happens:

...

To summarise many many MN threads, the steps are ...

Faced with suspicions "of course I'm not having an affair. I love you."
Faced with evidence. "I'm not having an affair. Shut up."
Faced with incontrovertible proof. "I'm not having an affair. You're mad."
Faced with being kicked out. "Yes there is another OW but we haven't done anything. It's all emotional. I'm so confused"
Faced with not being allowed back home. "Actually, she's the love of my life and I never loved you."
Faced with divorce. "I'm madly in love with her. You are an evil bitch."

6 months to 2 years later. "I made a terrible mistake. I love you.Can I come back?"

Bloody sad those isn't it?

And, of course, it's not just MN threads - I've seen exact same pattern/script with two close friends in RL

The only slant I can give you is that I had a similiar situation - husband on blackberry and iPad, never had opportunity to be having an affair
Etc. One say it flashed and I looked, email there clearly confirming he was having an affair!

It was taking place in his lunch hour with a work colleague......

Good idea about losing your phone.

He has his phone with him all the time? Could you say you can't find yours and can you just use his for a minute? Put your hand out as though it's a really normal request. Look at his body language.

It would be perfect if you could say, "What's your password?" in a really normal voice.

Dunno why this has just occurred to me but what if you get a friend of yours to ring DH's phone, while you are both out and about together? Make sure your own is out of battery/on silent/left at home so your friend can breezily say "oh, Brassica's not picking up, just need to check something with her, can you put her on?" and then you do that wandering off while chatting on the phone thing... and see if he is panicking or demanding it back as soon as you finish?

OP, will PM you now.

Snoop, snoop and snoop some more - cannot understand anyone saying otherwise

Often the people who admonish others for 'snooping' have secrets of their own that if found out, would cause them and others hurt.

Don't confront without evidence - he'll only deny everything and become more careful about hiding his tracks.

I wouldn't have any more conversations about your relationship until you've got phone bills etc.

And another thing.....when he said there's nothing wrong with your relationship from his point of view, he's probably telling the truth.

People don't have affairs just because their relationship is in difficulty you know. Lots of people have affairs simply because they have the opportunity and they don't think they'll be found out. Many people find that their relationship only hits difficulty after a relationship of any kind starts with another person. That's why I think your suspicions and instincts are entirely correct. You could probably set the date this opportunity looked like it was going to become a reality, by the way your partner's behaviour towards you changed. In more instances than you can imagine, an affair causes problems in a marriage that just didn't exist beforehand.

OP your instincts are telling you that something is wrong. Stick with that.

You are worried about the recent change in how he uses his blackberry, and you need somehow to speak with him about this, but in a way in which he cannot deny what is actually happening, or which suggests it's all in your mind.

Could you wait until he has taken his bb with him in unusual circumstances, and move his work bag. Then when he tries to return his bb to its usual innocent place, he will not be able to. THAT is one time to have a straight conversation with him - when you are sitting with his work bag, and he has his bb (that he can't secretly replace), and he is on the back-foot. Then no second guessing, no snooping. Just straight questions: "tell me what's going on and why you have your bb with you". After that your only comment to whatever he says is "tell me more about that" until eventually your instinct tells you that you are getting the truth.

You could offer an 'easy' get-out when he is floundering, such as "are you in some kind of trouble at work?" which he will either grasp (in which case you say "tell me more about that" until you are convinced that he is lying or telling the truth) or deny in which case you return to the original question: "so, tell me what's going on and why you have your bb with you".

I have not used this with a dh (fortunately), but I have used it in a work situation.

If he becomes defensive / accusatory and asks why you're doing this, you can answer "because I'm worried". "so, tell me what's on etc......."

I agree with everyone saying contrive a situation to ask for his phone/password. I think his reaction will speak volumes - you will know.

I trust my husband and he's given me no cause for suspicion in 18 years but if he refused to let me borrow his phone, I'd think the worst straight away.

Another tell tale sign is of his mobile is on silent all the time.

Or you could ask to use his email address to receive a mail as you can't log in.

Hoping it all works out ok for you and we're all just suspicious women!

I asked my H for his phone and said that you didn't have to be a body language expert to know he was hiding something in it .. he spat back at me 'Seeing as you asked NO' in a venomous tone!

I wish I had trusted my gut instincts instead of letting him persuade me that he was protective of his phone as a result of me trying to see it!!!

Ime and that of countless other mners all the signs are there for an affair. I'd be very surprised if it wasn't. Sorry x

My ex's phone was always on silent, glued to him. He would spend ages in the bathroom. I asked why his phone was on silent and picked it up, his reaction told me everything I needed to know, he grabbed me and threw me onto the sofa and then pushed me into the kitchen worktop. He has never admitted anything but that month the phone bill was the give away. 100s of texts at night when I was sleeping, all day when I was out. I phoned the number and it was a girl, I believe it was the girl he got with just 2 weeks after I threw him out.
He tried to tell me that he reacted like that as he was fed up with me accusing him, if nothing was wrong he would have given me the phone.
My new dps phone gets left wherever, he charges it on the bed side cupboard, I know the pin and I know if I pick it up to use it then he won't react.
If he is guarding his phone I would be thinking the same

Saying all of this I am often a bit protective of my phone/ipad if I am Mumsnetting! He is probably on Dadsnet posting about his wife having an affair!

Christ, that was inappropriately flippant OP - sorry

My opinion is trust your gut OP, he's up to something and no, don't ask him, as other posters have said he will lie his head off to you and make out you're mad. Keep looking for clues.

So sorry, Brassica, my exH followed that script almost to the letter. From leaving his phone lying around, asking me to answer it if I was nearest, suddenly it had a password and was with him constantly.

I suspected, confronted him, and was told not to be silly, he loves me, etc.

I still suspected, lots of tiny things happened, he began to act out of character, friends who he was supposed to be out with asked me why he'd left early, and similar. I confronted him and was told I needed to see a doctor.

I began to ask him nearly every day, which I guess contributed to the no sex and distancing behaviour which was already going on.

One evening I sneaked downstairs and found him texting. Grabbed the phone, he grabbed my neck, but I'd already seen the first two lines of her text to him. It was all I needed to know. That was four years ago and I still don't know exactly what happened.

About 1000 MNers on here will know what I'm talking about.

You probably won't get much out of him by just asking, you need proof otherwise you'll go bananas. I don't really have any ideas. Anyone??

Phone bill