Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

Hi again. Still feeling pretty calm about everything, which is starting to concern me a bit. I have really only broken down and had a good cry twice so far, once before I challenged him and once since. Am I still numb and waiting for the storm to hit, or am I weird and untroubled? I am sleeping absolutely fine too. Surely there should be some physical manifestation of something??

I have just been back to the doctor, who has held out the option of counselling should I need it. She thinks that there has been a very slow build up to this crisis and that I have been becoming depressed for a while before this bombshell because of the twins and coping more or less unaided and going back to work etc. This is probably right, but I don't know whether I need counselling or just more practical help so I can spend some time being 'me' and not just mummy all the time.

Thanks a lot for the thoughts on childminders/nannies etc - I will try to wander over to that section of MN and get some help from the professionals who can say how it all works.

The discussions over the weekend were quite helpful in terms of getting more of the story of the affair, and clarifying that they did have sex, that it progressed to this quite quickly and that it's been going on a bit longer than he said initially. I have told him that STI tests are needed for us both and I think that will help him feel more of the impact of this. I have told him that I do want us to stay together and come out the other side, and he looked visibly relieved so along with what he's said verbally I think he is genuine in wanting this too. However I need to hear more about how come he wants this more than anything if it wasn't enough for him before, and what she was offering (apart from knee tremblers) that I wasn't. The Shirley Glass book is quite helpful so far too - looks as though a lot of the strategy I've been using until now (either by instinct or advice from you guys) has been consistent with hers. She's so damn reasonable though, there's no room for wailing and gnashing of teeth!

Got my friends coming round very soon so I won't ramble on more now but if anyone can reassure me on the lack of huge emotional response so far that would be really good. I'm just worried that I'm not feeling it yet and it'll suddenly overwhelm me when this time of being signed off work is over and it'll be all the worse then.

Hi there. I slept fairly well which surprised me when STBXH walked out. I would wake up with everything going round in my head though.

I think shock and adrenaline keeps you going for a while. I sat around with the shakes for days and stopped eating. I did cry day after day but u am a very emotional person and everybody is different.

I am having counselling and it is helping me immensely. I can see with her help that I had been depressed for a long time but instead of helping me my STBXH just walked out after turning to another woman

I think you are doing really well. Also if you are talking to each other that will make a difference. My H wouldn't talk to me so I couldn't get the answers I wanted..

Brassica, I only cried four months down the line, I'm now in my fifth month. I too felt the same as you, I thought that I should be wailing and weeping but my counsellor has assured me that I'm perfectly normal and that we just all respond in different ways. When the tears eventually came they were shared with my dp (he's cried more than me and he's not a crier) I just felt so numb and totally gobsmacked by his revelations tbh, I don't think my mind and body could take it all in and deal with it really, I had lots of adreneline pumping through my body, my head tingled, suppose it was just a coping mechanism and that was my way of coping.

I think you're still in shock, and also so used to focus on just getting through each day with such young multiples that you are used to shutting down your own problems to an extent.

I don't have much constructive to say but I wanted to say I have been thinking about you. Hang on in there.

Shock brassica. I was eerily calm and collected after the initial discovery. It lasted about 2 weeks.

Hey Orm, hope you are keeping well.

Hi Beryl! Up and down, up and down.

You're not weird Brassica, I think my first initial reaction would have been shock but then relief with the confirmation that I wasn't going crazy and knew my instincts were right. Just deal with each day as it comes, that's all you can do.
Take care x

Hello Orm - I've thought of you a lot this last month. Hope things are at least slowly improving.

Brassica, I hope the childcare threads are helpful. xx

I don't think you need to worry. People have different coping strategies, mechanisms and timescales. I was oh so reasonable and practical for a good 8 weeks post-affair discovery, including going back to work after maternity leave and counselling STBExH against topping himself during my every lunch-break, but what made me cry was things concerning the dcs and not directly related to our marriage, such as when they went out for their first access visit and when he introduced them, against what had been formally agreed, to the OW. Now it's water off a duck's back but it was a big deal then. Was more worried about being bitter and seething but fortunately if I have been it's been short-lived.

Has H done or said anything that makes you feel that he's on the right track?

Keep talking to us Brass. So sorry

Hi brassica, thinking of you. It's hard and painful, I know xx

I think you're reacting quite normally Brassica. You may never really break down over this, you are in control and I think that will help you.

As long as you continue to communicate openly and honestly with each other, then you have every chance of working through this and coming out the other side as a stronger partnership.

Thinking of you brassica, how's it all going?

Hi Babylon, thanks for asking. I'm feeling more up and down than I was, which I suppose is progress!? Yesterday I had a few tears and a bit of anger about everything. It feels like a ride that I can't get off at the moment - twins need so much time and energy that I feel I have nothing left in the tank at the end of each day to attend to myself or our marriage.

I am angry that I have to start re-learning how to relate to him, when things were so easy once upon a time and it's his fault that we have to go through all this rubbish. I feel (as often) that I am just here for everyone else and don't get to call the shots - none of this is of my doing and yet I'm having to 'work' on my marriage and pretend to most other people that things are the same as usual, and just absorb everything into what was already a fairly packed workload.

I'm back to work on Thursday again after my sick leave and dreading it, to be honest. Although I've really enjoyed being back at work since finishing mat leave, it is clear that I need everything else to be ticking along well in order to feel on top of things. Since that's hardly the case at the moment, am I going to get stressed out and implode?

I find it hard to see a way for me to get a good length of time to myself, which it seems is something hugely important to me that I hadn't anticipated before the twins' arrival. I suppose I just want an opportunity to be 'me' sometimes, all by myself, and that time is nearly impossible to find in a normal week.

He is waiting to be guided by me as to when I want to talk and when I don't, but I have told him also to be pro-active if there is something he thinks he should share. He is itching to start suggesting things I/he/we should do to make things better - always his approach to a problem, he can never just sit and listen or talk. He got a bit ratty on Sunday night about my mood swings and I have made it clear that's just tough luck, he doesn't get to be angry with me because it's not up to him and we have to expect a rollercoaster. I do wonder if we should go and speak to someone, because I don't think either of us has a clue about how to take it forward. He desperately wants things back how they were (so he says) and can't explain what on earth got into him, but I don't know how to structure this process so that it does the job properly. I guess I am worried that we will end up 'doing some time' and then after however long assume that that's long enough and treat everything as resolved, but that would not be the right answer. It needs more than us carrying on as before.

"I'm back to work on Thursday again after my sick leave and dreading it, to be honest. Although I've really enjoyed being back at work since finishing mat leave, it is clear that I need everything else to be ticking along well in order to feel on top of things. Since that's hardly the case at the moment, am I going to get stressed out and implode?"

Be aware that it isn't easy. I had 2.5 days compassionate leave, then a week working from home and then back into it as normal. It was so so hard to concentrate. And I have just discovered how much I took my eye off the ball (one of the ones I was supposed to be juggling, to painfully extend a metaphor) when I first found out - and sadly the shit is about to hit the fan with one project. I needed time off and didn't take it. Please take it slowly and tell your manager if you aren't coping.

Re DH, try this book DH read it and I noticed his response to me changing almost immediately.

I agree with Ormi- if you're not coping at work then do speak to your manager and/or your GP and get signed off for longer.
I found solace in work, mentally leaving my problems at the door on the way in unfortunately they always waiting for me on the way out it was the place where I could just be me and get on (although I'd have much preferred shopping, a night out rather than work). My job though, at that time wasn't very demanding nor stressful. I probably wouldn't have felt able to cope if I'd had customers screaming at me daily or managers breathing down my neck (current job)

From what you've said above, it does sound like a good idea to get some external help to enable you move forward. It's no good trying to wing your way through it when you're both unsure what to say and what to change. If you revert back to carrying on as before of course HE wants this but it won't help you.
Your H NEEDS to learn to listen to you and more importantly, actually understand and take on board what you're saying.

Let him get ratty, he's caused this, now has to face the fall out with all it involves.

He CAN explain what got into him Brassica, he's choosing not to be open about that. Whatever the damn reason- he needed sex, he just wanted to, it was offered on a plate, you were too busy or whatever other shitty reason men do it- you NEED to know. If he's serious about saving the relationship he has to be honest and open.

Take care xx

Sounds like you would definitely benefit from marraige counselling - maybe you should try it x

Good to hear from you, Brassica, and to hear you sound so level-headed and honest about where you've got to.

The book Orm mentions sounds good. Hopefully your DH will shift and recognise that he can't expect to get past this without going through it, if that makes any sense.

I would also recommend marriage counselling brassica - either on your own to help you understand how you're feeling now or as a couple to explore the why's and wherefores of what he has done - they will also advise you of methods of starting to rebuild trust again

Hi Brassica, how are things?

Hi again, thanks for checking up on me Beryl. After my last post on here I did get signed off work for another couple of weeks, which is coming to an end in a day or two. This time I feel more ready to get back to things.

In the course of my thinking, I have realised that I'm the kind of person who gets very uncomfortable when I'm in uncharted territory and don't know how to navigate it - hence getting so hung up on how I 'should' structure our discussions and putting ourselves together again, and in fact feeling it should be 'structured' at all. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that we just have to do lots of talking and see where we get to, without a map for now.

The reason for the affair does seem to have been to add excitement/variety to life - we have discussed our wish lists for what our marriage should be like, and his was to get out and about more as a family, not be so 'routiney' about everything, be silly, have sex for fun (it all got very stale while we were TTC), have some space for a hobby etc. Mine were to be enabled to have time to myself frequently, without chores, to be more supported in balancing my work with other demands, and to have more spontaneous displays of affection. I think this is do-able if we both pull together - it's hardly outrageous, ambitious stuff. It just means avoiding complacency and laziness towards each other.

I'm still waiting for the bomb to go off - am still quite numb and only tearful in quite small chunks. Maybe it'll come, maybe it won't. My doctor thinks it's a coping mechanism to keep managing the children and not go off the rails.

I wouldn't be surprised if we end up with counselling if we stall, but for now we're going to try doing it for ourselves. Thanks again for all being so helpful towards me!