please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

It will be incredibly hard however I agree with not talking to him tonight.

You will get nothing but pain and confusion and probably lies from this conversation right now.

Ifyou are working take a couple of days off find out where you stand legally and financially and then have your solicitor contact him.

If the house is rented please check asap he hasn't given notice to leave!

Ignore me just seen you have a mortgage.

I'm lost for words, what a despicable twat. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

His 'extreme' actions and weird behaviour makes me wonder if there is more to it? I hate to say this, or think it even, but could the OW be pregnant?

What a horrible, shocking experience and you have my sympathy. It's very difficult to think straight at a time like this.... I remember from when something similar happened to me.... but you sound like you're keeping it together.

I would suggest you don't talk to him for a while. I made the mistake of giving my ex air-time for him to lay the big guilt-trip on me and tell me all my alleged faults. It really doesn't help. If he's left you for someone else (and it looks that way) then there's really nothing useful he could add and anything he could say to justify himself would only make you feel worse than you do now.

Echoing the advice to get finances separated as priority. Spend time with good friends. Solicitors can come later. Good luck and look after yourself.

Agree with Cogito above, I was convinced my STBXH was having a mid life crisis and would come out of it at some point. I wrote him a wonderful letter, telling him how lovely he was, great father, husband etc.

He wrote me a letter detailing all my many many alleged faults, which he had never previously mentioned to me. He threw everything he could at me , to make me feel bad and blame myself for him walking out. Dont let your H do this to you.

Let all your friends know. I spent evenings chatting to friends on facebook or phone, going over and over everything. I have maybe 6 great close friends that were there for me and I owe them everything for keeping me going. and my mum has been fantastic through it all, and my parents cried too, at what it did to my DD when he first walked out.

I got fantastic support on here too. You dont always like what you hear and some of it sounds harsh, but the thing to remember is that the people posting have all been through what you are going through.

Its four months since my H left at Easter. My decree nisi has already been filed (my choice not his, Ive taken back the control). Its still early days for me, but at the same time, I am so much further on in four months that I could ever see at the time that it happened.

Keep posting and you will get great support and please do PM me if you want a private chat. xx

I am so sorry. His behaviour is atrocious.
If he was 'thinking things over', he would not have removed all belongings. Any noises that he makes with regards to returning should be seen as keeping options open. Do not engage!
You need to look after number one now.
Talking to him will not help you. It may serve to ease his conscience a little.
Whether or not you want him back, the best option is to refuse to engage.
No meeting, no talking.

I know how hard it is, but if you manage it will give him a huge kick up the arse.
I promise.

Thanks everyone. I spoke to a neighbour who said he had a big rental van on the drive all day yesterday. She burst into tears and was so sorry, but said they knew something was up yesterday. I am totally devastated to hear this, again all the more pre-meditated.

Been to the doctor and got valium and antidepressants. Got solicitors on Monday for briefing on my rights, plus getting all locks changed over the weekend. I wouldn't put it past him to turn up again in the next few days to try and take the TV and computer.

He has also been through drawers and cupboards in the kitchen and systematically moved out all stuff he believed to be his. So no chutneys, no sauces, no oils,..... The house looks half bare and he has left me to look at it all day whilst he's pissed off to someone else's house. How can she want him in these circumstances. WHY would she want him in these circumstances?!! I'm either frantically angry or shaking or just crying my eyes out. Feel like I've lost everything.

What a fuckwit. Only a total arsehat sneaks out taking his fucking chutney with him. Pathetic. They deserve each other, OP. And you deserve better.

Im glad the doctor has taken you seriously. I wish I had gone earlier as it would have helped me through it a lot easier. Im on Citalopram antid depressant currently and also having counselling to come to terms with what H did.

I cant believe how calculated your X was, to get you out of the way and hire a van to clear everything out, including food . That is not the actions of a man who just needs some time to think. Everything he has done, like you say, was in preparation for leaving, fixing things, talking to your parents. No doubt he feels guilty somewhere inside, but it will be buried deep as he is only thinking of himself. You need to do the same from now on.

Is he on the mortgage? as I believe you are not allowed to change the locks if he is. He is legally allowed to break into the house while he is on the mortgage and the police wouldnt do anything about it (as I understand it). My STBXH handed his key back after I had asked him several times. In the end, I said to him, I dont have a key for your house, so why should you have one for mine?!

He wanted space, so give it to him. At least until you feel strong enough to talk to him and when you do, tell him you want honest answers from him or there is no point. You dont need to discuss finances etc with him now, unless you desperately need money for anything. He should keep paying towards the mortgage for the moment.

Ok, listening to people on here have decided not to engage with him today. I think everyone is right, it's probably only going to be to make him feel better, and they'll be more 'placatory bullshit' just to, in his eyes, soften the blow. And he'll probably feel like he's done the right thing.

How about an email to say I'm seeking legal advice on Monday and if he wishes to contact me then he is to do so only by email?

I wondered about the locks, and whether we should wait until we seek legal advice. At the moment we're alterning the padlocks on the side gates, won't be able to get the front door done until next week. So keeping options open, but I wouldn't put it past him to start taking fucking furniture or something.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. Not heard from his parents today, may be theyr'e waiting to contact him before anyone contacts me,....

So sorry this has happened to you, you are doing exceptionally well under the circumstances, which shows what a strong woman you are, certainly one that this absolutely sorry pathetic excuse for a twatcuntbastardarsehole 'man' does not deserve.

I think the others have given some excellent advice. Don't engage him in any contact whatsoever, he will only use it to emotional damage you further. Your trump card is totally ignoring the prick and only communicate through a solicitor - being as cold as he is being.

It certainly does appear that he has no intention of coming back as he has literally moved every thing out, so when if it goes wrong with the OW, I'd say tough shit, that's the risk he's taken.

If there is OW (really think that that there is) just remember that she had been fed a pile of shite by this idiot about you so do not play into their hands because then he will be saying to her "see I told you.....blah blah". IF it survives, and there's a fair chance it won't, this is what she can expect at some point, and in the mean time, she will just live in fear of it the silly cow.

You can and will get through this. Look after yourself x x

"How can she want him in these circumstances?"

I seriously doubt any woman wants her lover to bring along his chutney collection. He's planned and executed his plan in very close detail, well in advance, lulling you into a false sense of security, swindling the holiday money out of you and even hiring a van. His actions are those of a man that has completely checked out of a relationship entirely voluntarily. It is not your fault and nobody has a gun to his head. He's a very cold fish....

Totally shocked reading your thread. There are no words to describe the sort of lowlife he is. You will be MUCH better off without him in the long term.

Meantime well done on organising important things. Make it all about you now - he doesn't deserve you.

My brothers wife did exactly the same thing to him, he was told never change locks she still part owner and has a right to come and go!! take care

Change the locks, then get the legal advice. Better to be secure and him fighting to get access than for you to go out for the day and come back to bare floorboards.

Hi Lou, been lurking. I'm so sorry, this is utter shit, but your latest instalment is just gobsmacking. He went through the kitchen and took "his" chutneys and sauces?? How low can this worm get?

Huge well done on doctors/solicitors/locksmiths too, you are moving fast despite being in bits which I think will come as a well-deserved shock to him. He probably thinks that text message is enough to placate you and keep you focussed on HIM rather than the fact that he has bulldozed your life. Every move you make to safeguard your legal/financial position at this point is something he won't be expecting at all.

Have you still got your mum in residence? Is there anything you could contemplate doing to the house/the kitchen today that might keep your hands occupied and somehow make the place feel a bit familiar and friendly again?

And yes, although I guess we shouldn't dwell on the OW thing, what kind of person is ok with somebody turning up in a removal van to start a new life hours after trashing their spouse's life and house with all their chutney?

What bafflingly horrible people. Unless of course he has totally lied to her about his spouse, his situation and his chutney collection which seems perfectly possible given that he what a cold and evil manipulator he has been towards you.

Jesus christ that is cold and calculated. :(

I hope you're ok. Try to eat to keep your strength up.

Another thought: I think I wouldn't send that email except to get rid of him if he's very persistant about emailing/calling you. The reason I say this is it might be better he's left in the dark as much as possible about what you're doing, what day you're seeking legal advice etc. Someone who's capable of what he's done in the past couple of days is capable of anything.

I'm not a lawyer type though. What do others think about that email?

This is odd. Really odd
Is it another woman? He sounds like he got the practicalities sorted but he feels confused, unsure..

Total longshot here..... Could if be another man rather than woman?

What a fucking twatbanger your ex is?
And keep thinking of him as an ex. He is not worthy of you.

I don't know where you live OP, but if you are near me I would live to come and see you, bearing a basket of chutney. I would also help you write a nice email explaining your position.

I am rarely gobsmacked by threads on here, but gosh OP. what a giant arse.