please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

I definitely would not communicate other than through a legal professional. He does not deserve it and and I feel it would only serve to allow him to damage OP further.

He planned this for who knows how long and kept OP totally in the dark.

You will get answers love at a later date when you are stronger and better able to cope x

"might be better he's left in the dark as much as possible "

I agree with this. He's whammied you with the nastiest surprise of your life and, if you can manage it, keep your cards (and your money and your new house-keys) very close to your chest. E-mails only give him an 'in'. Like the 'I'm so hurt' text message, any communication platform only gives him chance to rationalise his actions, play the pity card, blame others ... etc.

I haven't got anything to add Lou you've already received amazing advice. I just want to send virtual hugs and strength to you. Stay strong and don't play into his hands.

I would agree with what some other posters have said re changing the locks. He has shown himself to be cold and calculating, so it really wouldn't be a surprise if he arrived to remove further items, or even moved himself back in at his own convenience. You must legally be able to protect yourself from that in some way, surely? Is it possible to add another lock, rather than change the existing ones? If you have an alarm, have you changed the code?

i know he has treated you awfully but i think it is illegal to change locks on jointly owned house, unless there is court order for him to stay away, ask your solicitor,

nothing to say you can't deadlock them from inside so keys won't work or put bolts across

this was planned out in advance, so you can also take as much time as you like to plan your next move, just ensure that finances separate, also make sure he can't take loan out secured on house or similar

if you do discuss tihngs may wish to have a third party there

agree totally - keep him in the dark. the drawbridge up. He's walked away (in the most callous way imagineable) and, although he has his oils and his chutney, he has lost everything he had.

Keep communication non-existent if at all possible. I wouldn't answer one comm from him from now on in and don't initiate comms: let the lawyers do that when the time comes, but not yet. Don't let him know what you're up to until the last possible minute, to give you time to get yourself together. He's going to get a shock.

Nothing like you have though my love - I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You didn't deserve it. it is small consolation but if he is capable of something as callous and calculated as this, which makes me shiver tbf, then you are well rid. Thank goodness you found out what he is capable of before you had children together.

Move quickly OP, as you are doing. well done for surviving the past 24 hours or so. xx

Jesus Christ!
I've read some shocking threads on here over the years, but this might just take the gold. I actually feel pole-axed reading it, so what the hell must you be feeling?
How can a human being behave like this? Apart from this gut feeling you've had over the last few weeks (well done, you) has there ever been any inkling that he had such a side to him? Have you ever seen him kick puppies, or barge old ladies out of the way or anything? Anything to help you see that it's not you, it's him?
So very, very sorry.

I agree that you should change the locks, but just wanted you to be aware of the law. I agree better to change them and argue about it later, but if he did break in, it would just incur you further costs. Also, he is just as entitled as you are to change the locks..... so maybe you should, in order to protect yourself and your property.

"i think it is illegal to change locks on jointly owned house"

The OP is now a woman alone in a house whilst a set of keys is .... where? He could still have them, could have given them to a friend/accomplice or he could have lost them. He's taken all his stuff so she isn't denying him access to his things. She is therefore quite entitled to make her home secure and I there is no court that would reprimand her for doing so.

Just spoken to his parents. They DID speak to him last night, but didn't tell me, I had to ring them. He said 'I've left LouP19' - WELL AT LEAST HE TOLD SOMEONE. And of course his parents are just very worried about him and his welfare.

And then his Dad said where are you, and he said 'a friends'. And his Dad said 'male or female' and he said 'friend'. So female. It'll be the woman on his camera from Italy.

He said he was going to Italy last week for a business trip with his boss. He stayed over a week and most of his pictures were of the bay of Naples. His boss is a nice guy, what do you think about ringing him and saying 'Know this puts you in a very difficult situation and that you might not be able to answer, but can I ask if you were with xxxx in Italy last week from,....'. I'll do it diplomatically and calmly and but sound worried (not hard because I can't speak without my voice shaking). Don't see what there is to lose, but it does give me some proof if he's able to answer.

Or is this crazy. I just want to ring up everyone and talk about it.

Resist the temptation to call the boss or his parents or anyone else connected with him. I know exactly how you're feeling at this stage. On the one hand you want to out him to everyone, or push him under a bus and on the other you still want him to walk back through the door and say it's all been a horrible mistake.

Maintain your dignity because it will serve you well and you'll be glad you did. Resist the urge to find out all the painful details and you will emerge stronger. Keep your friends close and be careful what you say and to whom. Drop all contact and you'll recover quicker.

You could try ringing his boss, of course he may not want to tell you. I do think it is better to be armed with the facts, so that they can lie themselves into a corner without realising that you know.

I printed off a ream of paper showing texts between my SYBXH and OW. I then calmly asked him how much contact he had with her. He said not much. I said do you text her. He said a couple times a day. I said how often do you email her. He said never. I was then able to provide him with proof of the 100+ texts a day, emails etc. So he lied through his teeth and I let him in order to prove he was a liar........

are you able to check emails on the computer? or mobile phone records? you need to print anything you can find now, as if he changes passwords etc, you wont be able to get into it again.

Agree, I know it's exceptionally hard but resist all contact, even with his parents as they will feed back to him. Part of the kick him (and OW if there is one) is knowing what is going on.

He is in for one hell of a shock when the bubble bursts and he realises what he's lost.

Why do any of those things skeybluesapphire?..... The OP has as much information as she needs at the moment. He's gone in pretty emphatic fashion. Why degrade herself poking into dusty corners and finding out yet more painful information?

Nice guy or not, his boss's first loyalty is to your h, not you. And actually, what difference does it make to know for sure who he was with in Italy? OW or not, he's still behaved atrociously.

"He is in for one hell of a shock when the bubble bursts and he realises what he's lost"

Well, for a normal person, maybe. But this guy has shown himself to be way outside the parameters of normal behaviour. He's planned this with military precision, God knows why he thought it a good idea to send flowers and tell the OP he loved her before shitting on her from a great height. As for making her transfer her holiday money to him in advance. Unbelievable.

because I didnt want to believe that there was OW, even when I had the evidence staring me in the face, I wanted to believe the best that my H wouldnt do it to me.

It stopped me from going mad, once I realised that there was more to it than just him being unable to live with me because Im such a horrible person. If I hadnt found out about OW, I would still be thinking that its all my fault and beating myself up about it (I still do on occasion even though I know that OW is at the heart of it all).

Some proof that its him not you, can stop you going mad sometimes, thats all.

But OP must do what is right for her in her situation, she cant follow all advice given as some of it differs wildly..

The flowers are a pathetic 'don't hate me' gesture. Like giving a dog its favourite supper before having it put down... He probably does feel guilty at some level.

My ex left a card on my father's grave apologising, sent flowers and planned lots of stuff too. It still went wrong. He now bitterly regrets it and his life is a pile of shit. I speak from experience.

Hi LouP19

Sorry you are going through this....but atleast it is dramatic and sudden which in the long term will mean you will grieve and it will be terribly painful (sorry) but there is also very little chance of you ever allowing this SH*t Head back in your life, to hurt you again

Re the locks, I would go with one of two options.

LIE, say you where in such a state on the way to the doctors pharmacist etc that you lost your keys. You can "find"them tommorow or what ever. Offer STBX a new key if your solictor says to.

Or, go with the locks on the inside of the doors, paddlocks, or add an additional drop bolt etc. to keep everything secure.

If you are friendly with STBX boss then I don´t see why you can´t ask, preficite ofcourse with I do understand if you can´t answer etc.etc.etc. But you are panicing about STD´s and your health.

Get to the STD clinic sorry but you have to go.

Document everything he has taken (now whilst you can)

Set up a new email address and email him saying contact via email only. Check it once every day / week / what ever but control the contact on your terms.

If he turns up do not let him in particularly if you are on your own. Call a friend to be there with you or you could call the police if worried.

Tell everyone that can support you, ask for HELP, friends family neighbors will WANT to help you.

Call relate and get some counciling for YOU on YOUR OWN!!!!!

If you have a Joint bank account go and speak to the bank.

Take care and remember no alcahol whilst you are on tablets but lots and lots of nice yummy things / drinks, little and often anything you fancy just eat and drink.

YOu will get through this.

Dear Lou, how bloody awful this must be. Devastating.

I can imagine your instinct is to want to talk to/about him and glean more info - but I think it would be best if HE CAN'T GET ANY INFO ABOUT YOU OR HOW YOU ARE DOING.

I only say this because I want him to be tormented with worry and punished with grief about what he has done to you.

Think it better if he gets no news of you or what your reaction is.

Is there any chance that he is mentally ill?

What a body-blow, Lou. You must feel like you've been married to an alien in human disguise

FWIW, I agree with taking control of all the money, the locks and your communications. The illegality of changing locks doesn't come into it right now - you need to feel safe in your own house, and if he wants to play sillybuggers he can send the police to get new keys. If you've not done so yet, call your mortgage lender to inform of the situation. I wouldn't be trusting him to make that payment, though it's good if he does.

I'm really glad you've got nice people around you. Keep it that way - and eat! Anything will do, as long as it's food.

He absolutely must have lied to OW - moving in with your tools and chutneys implies a permanent relocation from living alone. The bastard.

You may as well call his boss, I think, as long as you can manage not to rant and have your mum beside you. The boss might lie for him, but equally might fill in some missing information.

You're doing extremely well, using that adrenalin to lock things down and support yourself. Remember to rest, even if you have to double your valium to sleep. You're getting sterling advice here - keep talking!

A friendly hug from me. xx

I can see why gathering evidence might be useful for further down the line. But I'm not sure this would achieve that. The boss may be in on it, or he may have been lied to himself - who knows what your H has told him about you - so whatever he says may not be conclusive anyway. He will almost certainly feed back the fact that you called to your H, even if only in innocent concern.

Also I think once you've started down that road, you'll need to call someone else after the boss, friends of your H or whoever, to get more info, and before long you'll be leaving a trail of words for your H and you WILL let little things slip, and the whole thing will ramp up your stress levels. That's what I think we don't want.

You know, your parents know, and incidental witnesses your H wasn't able to fix like the neighbours know what really happened. Definitely tell your friends if you're confident they would be onside, but with anyone who's basically his network I think you'd be taking a risk and exposing yourself to unnecessary stress. He could tell them anything about you.

Ok, the headfuck continues. Just received this:

'I really really want to stay with you and I love you more than you will ever know. I want to talk with you and resolve our differences. I never ever mean to deliberately hurt you and I feel absolutely awful at the moment. I need to know that you love me and need me and that you will listen to my concerns before we go on. Please, I know you must be hurting as I am, and if you don't want to talk yet then that's fine, but just let me know if you want to try and soort things out. I love you. xxx'

Now me and my Mum (she's being great, permanent cups of tea, chats, then soup, neither of us had any sleep last night and she's 66 and could do without this,......) are wondering about a breakdown? What the FUCK is any of this about? How to reply and when? (PS He has had similar episodes before and my cousin today suggested he's schziophrenic, but how far can I take these before I just think he's a cnut?)

Agree about lack of contact with his family, he's always been their golden boy and their chief concern is him.