please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

I couldn't stop shaking for days after my H left. It's down to shock initially, then as the days go by and you don't eat it happens due to low blood sugar .

Please look after yourself. I spent weeks barely eating a banana a day and lost three stone in three months.

I didn't go to the doctors early enough and spent days crying and not able to deal with life or my 4yo dd. so your mum is right in getting you to the doctor.

Xx

Thank you. Have taken the diazepam and can feel it taking effect, so going to bed now. I know I keep repeating myself but I am in total shock. He has cleared out everything in the house that says he ever lived here. It's the sheer calculatedness of it that astounds me. He has no reason to come back here now. I'm thinking of getting the locks changed, but dont' know if that's petty and an unnecessary expense. My Dad has said he'll try and get me a solicitor's appointment for either tomorrow or Friday.

Yes, Skye is right, do try to eat properly.

I collapsed in the street a few days into this trauma, and a passing good Samaritan called an ambulance and I was taken into hospital. The consultant said it was a physical demonstration of shock and stress.

So please eat proper meals and keep you fluid intake high, even though you do not feel like it. Listen to your Mum, she will have your best interests as a priority.

Ask your bank if they'll put a stop on the holiday money transfer. Mine was very helpful to me when I found myself in a similar position.

Be kind to yourself, and try and look upon this as a lucky escape.

I drank gallons of water and took a multi vitamin each day. Made me feel that I was being healthy, lol.

Please try and eat little and often, even if its only a biscuit. I do know what its like though. I had friends trying to cook me tea and one spoon of pasta and I was done. My appetite completely vanished.

You have had one hell of a shock. Try and look after yourself, dont take any crap from him. Talk to him when you are ready. Be prepared you may never get the answers you want. (My H has lied repeatedly and confused the hell out of me). Also be prepared for the fact that there could be somebody else. Trying to be gentle with you here as Ive been through the whole "head in the sand" approach and it didnt do me much good.

I Hope you get some sleep and will check back tomorrow.

So sorry, *Lou." Have only just seen your thread! Stick with MN and take heed of the advice of all of the good women who have been through the same experience. Know that it's very hard for you! High five to your mother - she sounds like a star!!!

Best wishes!

Back again, no sleep, spent the night churning it through my head, could hear my Mum in tears in the bed next door. The cats were miaowing because they're stressed.

Working it out slowly. There have been increased business trips for 'one' night to London. He went to London the day but one before we went on holiday and then went pretty much as soon as we got back. Each time it was for a breakfast meeting. His work commitments have gone up, but whenever I've asked him about them he's got aggressive and told me not to be paranoid. So I've been silently panicking for weeks but have felt so powerless. Oddly, I have also been reading these pages during this time and have been getting cross with myself for feeling negative, when deep down I felt it was going to happen to me.

So many things indicate it was planned. He came back from a business trip (probably Italy with the other woman) on Tuesday, and then painted the hall on Wednesday. It has needed painting for 18 months. He also repaired a tile in the bathroom. He was tidying things up. He did a shop 'for me' on Tuesday evening, saying he'd bought all the things I like. He then, yesterday afternoon, went round to my parents and starting talking to them saying 'I love Louise very much, I'd never do anything to hurt her' and started crying. My parents were disturbed and kept telling him he needed to talk to me. But he never did. I think they were also crocodile tears, a job he feels he had to tick off before he went.

What on earth is in this for the other woman? He sent me a text last night saying he loves me so much. Will she know he's telling me that shit? He'll already be lying to her.

Today: plan to speak to my boss at work (telling her, close relationship, don't care), go to the doctors to get something to make me sleep, and make an appointment with the solicitors. Also change the padlock gate so he can't get in.

Frightened, shocked, angry, disbelief. Still shaking.

You are doing well Lou. It's been a massive shock but excellent you are sorting out practical things. I guess it's stops you sitting dwelling about it.

The texts sound like he's feeling guilty. Try not to reply if you can. He's sounds like a prize twat. Talk to him on your terms, through a 3rd party if you need to.

And I know it won't feel like it now but it sounds as if you've had a lucky, lucky escape.

FWIW as another male here,

His behaviour is appalling! He does not deserve to be called a man for sucha callous, heartless attitude towards you.

My DW and I have had problems over the years but we always talk them through and because we love and respect each other we sort them out.

He obvioulsy has very little respect for you or your marriage. He is also a selfish prick. To have put so much cold hearted planning into yesterday is stunning.

Quite frankly you are sooooooo much better off with out the twat.

It will take a long time for your heart to heal but it will and you will come out of this so much stronger and a better person than he can ever hope to be.

Stay strong and keep calm.

We are all here for you.

Oh no what an awful thing to happen! I can't believe someone would PLAN this!

Can't imagine how you're feeling

Thank you, particularly reassuring to hear a male's response. Just stunned, I know I keep repeating myself, but I guess it's stopping the reality of everything else sinking in just now.

He has texted to ask if he can call me tonight. Do not know what to do as I want to know what's going on, but don't want to get upset on the phone.

I'm also going to sound a round robin text to friends to let them know I need support. I honesty don't care right now about being so vulnerable and needy. Also going to speak to a couple of neighbours.

The more I think about it, the more all of his behaviour over the weekend has made sense. There was this yawning space between us, I kept asking him to talk but he insisted nothing was wrong. It's his birthday soon, he wouldn't give my present ideas. We were going to buy a rug for the living room, he wouldn't go. And then on Tuesday he was ALL OVER ME, like the relief and guilt had taken over.

He's taken everything he owned, I am surrounding by empty wardrodes, shelves, cupboards. It is so shocking. Why would another woman want all his shit? What is in it for her? Filling up her garage with all his crap. I just hope it goes horribly horribly wrong for them.

And I have no money. I work part time because it's the only job I could get a couple of years ago and it suited us on a dual income. Now I've been shafted and also need to find more work. Can't stop my mind running away with myself.

It's good that you're making sure you get support.

If you talk to him tonight do you really think you'll get the truth?

This must be so heartbreaking for you. Nothing really to add I'm afraid but a hand to hold. I'm sure your mum was crying last night because her 'little girl' is in such pain. It sounds like she's being supportive. And despite you being in a muddle it sounds like you have got your head screwed on & a good plan of action. Just be very wary when he calls.

Good luck x

just shows what a selfish bastard he was. I own nothing....... I share it all with DW. Thats what a marriage is all about!

Lou, you will be ok. You sound lovely and despite the trauma you already have a plan to get through the next week or so which shows enormous strength. Small steps, try not to worry about the big stuff just yet.

I wouldn't talk to him but if you decide to, have someone with you.

5 years ago my best friend lost her dh (different circumstances I know). She was 36 and they were ttc. I remember so clearly holding her hand telling her she wouldn't always feel so totally pole axed, that one day she would find a way to be happy again. Of course she didn't believe me and thought her life was over. She got married a couple of weeks ago and has a baby boy. This experience will change you and your life will change and it will take some time, but you will get through this.

Well done, Lou - you've got through the first night. The next few Will feel tough but gradually your body Will start to process all the adrenaline that's charging round it at the moment. Get signed off for a week this morning so you know the pressure's off in terms of work. I know you want to feel 'sorted' asap but there's no rush to increase your hours etc - that can come in time as and when you're ready.
Be very wary of talking to him at the moment. Im sure you want to but in my experience it got me nowhere and just gave my ex another chance to mash me up emotionally. Your power lies in being unavailable and leaving him guessing. If i was dealing with this again, i would avoid all contact at this time.
I am thinking & thinking of you. I wish i could 'fast forward' you in time to show you that you really Will be ok. This Will get worked out, you Will feel safe and content again.

Thank you. I might not speak to him tonight then. I just can't take any more LIES. That what hurts me the most. Last night we sat and discussed our fertility treatment and I said I needed to feel he would be on board later in the year, and he was all arms around me and saying 'Yes, yes, it will happen and I am committed'. It's THIS that just astounds me. He proudly brought in some fucking vegetarian beans and sausages for me and said 'I know this is your favourite'. The emotional headfucking he has given me is just jaw dropping. I haven't eaten since yesterday lunch time but can just feel my body thudding with adrenelin.

I know all the processes because I've been reading these pages the last few weeks. I just had this gut instinct. I texted him whilst he was in Turkey (how the hell do I know that now) and said 'I'm very worried and anxious that something is wrong between us and you're not telling me. It's a gut feeling and it won't go away. Please talk'. And I got such a bullshit, non reassuring answer back. I texted him last week when he was in Italy (was he?) and said 'I'm feeling lonely and a bit down and miss you'. He got all this and kept saying 'I'm sorry you're feeling that way,.........

Jesus.

Definitely do not speak to him - esp after that horrible text last night. He will just want to justify his cruelty by blaming you and rewriting history.

You know none of this is your fault - you have him plenty of chances to open up.

Sorry to hear your dh has left you.

He's an utter coward, and he probably has got someone else. Fedora, my arse, that's a hat, not some Italian name

I too would do everything on YOUR terms, and take charge of the situation. He's put you there, it's you who decides what will happen next, not him. Take control, and I wish you all the best. You sound like a lovely lady, who deserves a lot more x

So sorry Lou, this brings back all th awful feelings when DH did this to me 3 years ago and yes, the friend he was staying with was the OW.

He did all the same things (except clear out all his things as he wanted an option of coming back ). All the confusing texts and answers to questions, refusing to discuss/admit anything was wrong, distanting etc.

I would not talk to him ATM, what can he possibly say to make things better. Wait until you are ready to talk to him, you call the shots now.

It really is one day at a time and I lived on sweet tea, microwave popcorn and rich tea biscuits for ages.

I am still with my DH but we have 4dcs and he made massive changes to himself through counselling etc. I think if I didn't have the DCs, there would have been no way back for us, the amount of hurt and deception involved is/was crippling.

One day at a time ATM and accept all the rl support you are offered, friends and family got me through that terrible time.

Take care.

Wow Lou you poor thing.
Stay strong and focussed, see your solicitor and find out what help you're entitled to. What an utter bastard.

Well done, you are through the night
One step at a time.
He's had a while to get used to the situation whereas for you it's brand new and shocking.
He thinks he is in control, you need to flip that.
Gather your strength and get practical, you are doing amazingly already getting a support structure in place.
Find out what you are entitled to. Speak to him on your terms, not his. I wouldn't speak to him at all until you know where you stand.
Leave him in the dark for a while, I doubt he will be expecting that
Good luck, you really do deserve so much more

Blimey, this guy sounds like a piece of work!
Lou, you will be fine.... You had a very, very narrow escape. It's the other woman I feel for .... Saddling herself with a spineless loser like that!
What the hell stopped him from sitting down and telling you face to face he wanted out as he'd met someone else...
Sounds like a manipulative, calculated person to me... Low life, drop kick!