please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Wow, you are all so brilliant - read all of your posts since last night, I can't tell you how much YOU are all helping me. Family being amazing, friends texting and offering to meet up, but I don't have any people close to me who have experience of divorce, or affairs and what not, so all your advice and encouragement has been very very useful.

Felt dreadful again this morning, like it all hits me and I'm so shocked and scared and frightened. Can't stop crying and shaking. And I miss him, how do I get over that?!!!!!

Solicitors 'ok', but has made it all frighteningly real and I came back exhausted because my brain couldn't absorb the half of what she saying. We had the 30 minutes free advice, so it was all fairly blunt and factual, and to be honest it was too much. Even she said it early days, but agreed there was probably little hope for the marriage. Financially I am screwed - we bought our house last year and used existing equity and savings to do improvements, which have left us with a very large mortgage. This fact terrifies me and had me in a complete state in the car on the way home - not only has he ripped apart my whole life, but the financial situation is incredibly dire too. Honest to god, I am terrified about this. All I want now is to get new stuff for the house, new clothes, a 'new me', but I just cannot see this happening. Clearly I'm going to have to get a full time (better) job, but solicitor advised keeping the 'status quo' for now. Well that's good, because I've applied for 'better' jobs in the past and not got them anyway.

Sorry, this post isn't very positive. All this because he wouldn't sit down, tell me what was going on, and have an adult conversation about what WE were going to do.

Having a very weak moment and not sure how I'm going to get through this. We've decided to see another solicitor within the next week and compare notes, the one this morning was good but it didn't click for me 100%.

Sorry to hear that, Lou. It must really be overwhelming. It sounds like you are making very good decisions, though - take a couple of days to absorb what the solicitor said, but also get a second opinion when you are ready. You have a lot to work through but it will be worth it in the end, your new life.

And don't feel you have to be positive all the time on here or apologize for how you are feeling. Just let it all out!

Hugs for you Lou. I know exactly how you feel. The shock is immense and you can't just switch your feelings off. It's good to see more than one solicitor, I saw two and went with the second as I had a better feeling about him.

Just take it easy, you don't have to make any decisions yet, just arm yourself with knowledge xx

Going to see that solicitor was probably the hardest step you will take. Knowledge is power, and you now know what you are dealing with. The financial stuff sounds scary but you will cope. Your family and friends sound fantastic, and will, almost certainly, help you practically. You may be feeling wobbly but you are doing amazingly well, and you will soon be free of the arrogant twat..

Is there any way the sums could add up if you took in a lodger? Just until you get your career up amd running?

Hi Lou,
Sorry this morning has been so tough - I guess it would be strange if it wasn't. My ex cheated on me (not on anything like the same scale) but he did a lot of sneaking around before I caught up with it all - the OW used to send him map co-ordinates of where they were going to meet, it took me a while to work out what they were! In the end his best mate told me what was going on, I was so grateful to him. Makes me laugh now, but at the time it all happened, I couldn't get my head around what was going to happen with the house, pets, bills etc...it all seemed too massive to deal with.
Everytime I thought about it, I would just start crying and shaking, and couldn't think straight at all.
There will be light at the end of the tunnel, and yes you might end up living somewhere else, but there is no immediate rush to change all of that. Even the most arsy of mortgage lenders has to be understanding when things like this happen, just keep them updated, and in the end you might be glad of a change of scene and a place that is 'all you' - but you don't need to worry about that yet. Give yourself time - you are clever and capable, so you want to get things in order straight away - but you don't need to do it now.

Time, no contact and remember how he has made you feel, you need to grieve for him, unfortunately. You will no doubt be remebering the "nice" times as these can over-take the bad times, try to remeber the bad times too Lou.

It is a good idea to see a few Lawyers, I went to one who told me I had no chance in "something", I went to another and the "something" was in court within 2 weeks!!

I am glad you have family and friends around you.

Stay strong!

I'm just impressed you have ANY moments that aren't spent in a state of collapse. I think you're still on the adrenalin train (after only five days!) and there's nothing to do but try and act decisively during the furious moments and hide away during the horrible moments. Sounds like a good plan about the second opinion.

Hopefully someone will be along to give you advice about the house and finances who's been through the divorce process, but I did have one idea about the "new you". It's probably a bit drippy so please ignore if so . When you talked about how much you love being a homemaker I remembered a scrapbook I used to keep when I was dirt poor and had no prospect of even renting on my own, never mind buying anywhere (I'm in London). It was full of scribbles, ideas, pictures from magazines and catalogues. It made me feel like I was planning a future home all of my own even though I had no immediate prospect of one at all. Some things I WAS able to do - like buy pretty china from charity shops and know that one day (somehow!) it was going to go in MY kitchen and not be crammed onto the mantelpiece in my flatshare bedroom. And even that wasn't so bad - it was one of the smaller and darker bedrooms in the flat, but everyone always commented on how lovely it was, because I knew how to make the most of even unpromising surroundings.

I think I have similar feelings to you about homemaking/nesting, it is hugely, hugely important to me and, even though I am very attached to my current place, all other things being equal I know I have the ability to "nest" anywhere and on any budget, on my own or not. I'm sure you do too. It must be incredibly difficult to be in your (recently violated) house and not know if you're going to stay there, but one way or another you WILL build a place of safety for yourself again.

Forgot to ask earlier, Lou - is your mum joining you in going no-contact? Or minimal contact, not imparting too much information kind of thing? Was reminded of this when you mentioned she showed you the stupid text he sent her earlier in the week. I would not be surprised if he turns to her when he can't get the reaction (attention) he wants out of you - it'll be "oh I'm so worried about Lou, I don't think she's coping without my glorious presence to give her life purpose, I'm not sure if she's feeding the cats blah blah". Hopefully she will also give him exceedingly short shrift or indeed also stop replying completely?

I can identify with all you say about the solicitor Lou; it was the same for me, in that it all seemed so suddenly real and hit me (again) like a ton of bricks.

It is very important that you find a solicitor you 'click' with. You must feel that they have your very best interests at heart.

Last year the law changed with regard to mediation (it actually changed two weeks before I kicked twunt out). It means that you have to try mediation now if you wish to divorce. However, there is a loophole which my solicitor pointed out to me (and I jumped at). The petitioner can try mediation on their own, to see if they think it is viable. So I went for one session, told the mediator that it was a waste of her and my time, because I would never be able to sit in a room long enough with twunt to be civil, or trust him an inch. She agreed, and we referred it back to my solicitor to sort. Mediation can be cheaper, but it does mean meetings with a mediator and your ex - I simply couldn't face this at all.

You are doing well, there is a lot to process, and some of it is scary. My advice is to take really small steps, and just deal with the stuff that is immediately ahead of you. I still don't think too much further than a day at a time - it helps.

Take care

Oh dear. But surely the improvements you have made to the house and prices rising generally must mean the value of the house has gone up? If there was no choice but to sell, would that not cover the outstanding amount?

On the positive, the solicitor agreed that there was little hope for the marriage. Try to find one who specialises in marital law. Is there any chance of you getting legal aid as you work part time, if you can it will be a great saving on solicitors fees.

I wouldn't rush into anything either, let D(ESPICABLE) H continue to pay the bills until you know what you can reasonably do.

I don't agree with the advice to keep the status quo regarding your job situation, Lou. One of the things that will improve your financial circumstances and your self-esteem in one fell swoop is getting a career that will realise your intellectual potential. It won't happen overnight if you've been out of the FT job market for a long time, but the first and second jobs will be a stepping stone to better things. I think it's awful that this has happened to you Lou, but in some ways it's a salutary lesson to women who fail to capitalise on their earning potential and who invest all their financial independence in a partner. Even in the best of relationships, that's often a mistake and it applies to both sexes.

Lou... I was expecting you were going to be told something like that. I think it was great of the solicitor to give you a good idea of where you stand even if that is not what you wanted to hear. I would also say, be careful about "clicks". I didn't click with my solicitor when I met her but if it weren't for her we would have been left empty handed on the street. I did click with another solicitor but she was not remotely as good. So remember, you are not recruiting a 'friend', you are recruiting a mercenary that can fight your corner like a dog, but who would be also able to tell you the truth rather than raising your hopes unnecessarily. Unnecessarily for you, I mean, there are some solicitors that would happily tell you what you want to hear even if that means spending years in court to get nothing, at the end of the day, with a flat rate of £3 per minute in average, the longer it takes the better for them, so choose your battles and do not go into those whose cost is higher than what is at stake. And remember, it is in very very few cases that the other party will be asked to pay the costs of the other one, so don't run a big bill because it is more than likely you will have to pay it yourself. Get "The Which? Guide to Divorce" and have a good read so then you can spend your free or paid for minutes asking specific questions to your rather than wasting them in the mere basics you could have got from a book or internet.

Considering the circumstances, my advice would be to start moving out of the house now: start planning what you want to do, where would you like to live, start looking online for possible places to find out what you can afford. Ask 3 estate agents to value the house to have an idea of how much money you may have left once the house is sold and the mortgage paid. I was heartbroken about the idea of leaving my house but the looking around for a smaller place certainly brought my spirits up. So... fight for the best, but plan for the worse.

Yes, don't keep the status quo, keep looking for jobs, and keep a record of every application you send. Whatever happens, you will be much better off and protected if your salary is higher. (whether is to get a new mortgage, rent a house, or even spend an afternoon in a spa or simply put, peace of mind).

If you don't get the job, you have not lost anything. And if you get it, well... you would need to end up earning more than your ex in order for the balance to be tipped in his direction.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It must seem so final actually talking it through with a solicitor.

A house is just that! A building! A home is something quite different and it sounds like you're the kind of person who could make a lovely, warm, cosy, welcoming home anywhere on this earth.

There are solicitors here on the MN legal boards who can advise you free on here. I think some of them will actually take your case for you as well if you find their advice useful. Why not give it a try if you haven't already.

Hi Lou, I'm sorry to hear you feel so shit after the solicitors, but I suppose it's going to be suddenly very 'really happening' instead of a weird nightmare.
Just wanted to send you a big hug and some strength (and maybe a glass of if it's not too early?)

I know up here (Scotland) I was advised to wait until mine had left for a year then thid makes divorce proceeding easier, they cannot contest it.

It does feel very real when you visit a Solicitor but I would do as you suggested and try another one, like someone said earlier one Solicitor can differ very much from another.

Take care

Oh my god, it is just one shock after another.

Just saw the nurse about getting tested for STDs. I told her I've had a chemical pregnancy but no sign of my period. She's tested me twice and I'm pregnant.

I just collapsed instantly. I'm now just numb. I don't know how any of this could get any worse.

Oh Lou- been following from afar. Is there anyone who can be with you? You just need to focus on yourself .

I know legal stuff is a shock but I would try and try to park that til see next solicitor as your physical well being more important.

And it is possible to be a lone parent- I know there enough fantastic Mn like that but I am worried that you have had one shock after another.

I can't think of a single useful thing to say this time . Just here to handhold till someone coherent comes along!

Does your mum or dad know about pregnancy? I think usual rules about not telling don't apply given your circumstances.

Are you home now?

What was the nurse's response to you being clearly in shock? Did she signpost anywhere to go for advice?

Have you got someone with you right now, or can you get someone?

Hun, been following but no commented up till now. You have been amazingly strong and dignified through the whole of this. I know it's not a great situation (to put it mildly) to bring a DC into but is it possible to see this as an amazing positive to come out of something so horrid?

I think you def need to have someone (mum or dad) with you right now xx

My solicitor pushed me to divorce at our first meeting but I resisted. I had one final talk with H to be totally certain it was over and told him I'd be filing for divorce . He didnt see the point unless one of us met somebody but I didnt want to wait two years, I wanted it over and done with.

It's not been easy and it's very difficult filing for divorce when you dont want the marriage to end.

I am so much further on now than I ever dreamed I would be but it all seems so surreal and I just want to wake up from the whole nightmare.

You will gradually find things easier but it is a long process. Like somebody said to me, you can't go over it you can't go round it, you just have to go through it. Xx