'Another man' has made me realise just how much my husband is not right for me. Is there any way back from this?

[HazeyGaze]

I have been married for 14 years. I was only 20 when we settled down and bought a house together. We have 2 children, aged 9 and 3.

In the early days of our relationship, my husband was somewhat flaky and untrustworthy. I however, was besotted with him and could never face the prospect of leaving him.

He did however gradually grow up, and since we've had the children he has been very reliable and dependable.

He is a very placid, laid-back person who will do anything for an easy life. He has very little interest in anything, has no opinions on anything, has little in the way of a sense of humour, and absolutely no 'drive' to achieve or get things done.

Now this sort of thing didn't bother me much when I was younger. I still enjoyed his company and I suppose a critical factor in the attraction was looks. As I have got older I am finding all this apathy very unattractive and am really questioning whether I would be at all interested in him, if I was to meet him now.

Over the last 6 months, I have become very close to a man at work who is the complete opposite of dh. He's confident, opinionated, makes me laugh, and has lots of 'drive' for life. We are both clearly very attracted to each other, but equally neither of us want to destroy our families.

Physically, we have never let things go any further than kissing and I have now transferred to another part of the business so that we no longer see each other, although we do keep in touch by text.

Before all this with OM, I have never so much as glanced at another bloke. I have been besotted with dh for many years.

This OM has completely burst that bubble. Now I realise what it would be like to have a relationship with somebody that I can laugh and chat with on an equal level.

Sadly, I doubt very much that there is a future for me with OM. It is just too messy, and too many people will be hurt.

So now I am left wondering, is it possible for me to get through this phase of my life and 'fall back in love' with dh? Or, now that I have 'seen the light' am I never going to satisfied with the relationsip I've got?

I don't think he is 'playing you' based on what you've said - well, no more than you're playing eachother I suppose. If anything, there's more evidence that you're playing him but what we don't know is whether he's done this before and I doubt he'd tell you if he had.

So the catalyst was going back to work and becoming a woman in your own right? That explains so much. You'll probably groan when I tell you that SAHPs returning to work are especially vulnerable to affairs, won't you? It's obvious why. For the first time in probably ages, you felt like an individual and that's quite a heady feeling after being 'mum' for so long. The important point about it is that this catalyst was unrelated to your marriage.

Again it doesn't surprise that the other offers all happened around the same time as the friendship was deepening with the OM. The imagery that comes to mind is of you opening a window to others and getting responses. What you can be fairly certain of is that you were emitting signals, probably without even realising it.

The OM's catalyst might well have been bereavement-related. It's very common and it's especially sad if his partner supported him through it. That will sting if and when she finds out, I'm afraid. From what you've said about him though, I don't get the sense that he is a 'player' but just a rather selfish character who is using this affair as a form of self-medication for mid-life reckonings. Don't read anything into his later bedtimes. This might be a new habit since the affair started and he's probably lying to his wife that he is immersed in work or is so stressed that he needs to watch mindless telly/internet surf. If he's telling you his marriage is good, believe him. What he means is that it was good before his involvement with you. I don't suppose it's very good right now though, because of his own actions.

Just to add too that the OM does know what he wants. He wants his wife and his family. The texting is not because of any conflict about that, it is because he's finding it difficult to break the habit and he doesn't want you to think this was just a bit of fun. He's probably also keeping his options open in case he changes his mind about offering a full affair. The horrible thought is that he's systematically sabotaging his marriage right now to allow him to do that, but he's not there yet.

I'm not going to demonise him though, any more than I would you. But if you care for this man and have any sense of fraternity towards another woman, actually the kindest thing you can do for him is to close the door, because he does not want to lose what he's got.

Gosh that is frightening thought.

My mind is a whirl of 'I want him to want me, but I don't want him to be suffering or sabotaging his marriage'.

Thank you so much for such useful and considered advice here. I have taken it all on board and it is very helpful.

I'm still not sure that I am at the point where I could say 'no' to him of he asked to see me again, but at least I am seeing the while situation z bit more clearly for what it really is.

Hazey you need to knock this fantasy on the head, seriously

You didn't even mention your husband or children in that last post, ony worrying about whether OM really wants you and not causing HIM any suffering

You sound very blinkered atm

You need to be your fiercest critic here as well as your own best friend. Think about why you 'want him to want you' and how much of that is about ego and pride. If he did want you, you've said that in the past that's caused you to back off and you mentioned games. This is serious stuff here and there's no room for games, because the hurt it will cause will be immense.

Don't let this man sacrifice his marriage for your ego Hazey.

Don't sacrifice your own happiness and that of your husband and children's for it either.

My strongest advice to you is to put your adult woman hat on and take responsibility for this now. End it cleanly and don't participate in any more games.

Talk to a therapist about the games you've played and opetaing from the adult ego state and not the child's.

I'm glad this has helped you and others.

operating

Just wanted to acknowlege your clear-thinking insights without insults, Charbon. If you're not a counsellor by trade, I think you most definitely have the talent. I have two friends in similar situation to the OP and I've directed them to this thread to read your posts. Thank you.

What LyingWitch said. You're spot on, Charbon!

hi anyone still here?
I am in a similar situation - have fallen for another man. Marriage sexless since the beginning, one child by ivf and found out husband had been using escorts. other man swept me off my feet and i fell fallen madly in love. we made plans for the future (he is single) (had a 3 month affair - am shocked that I did it) and he said in November we couldn't meet again until i was free and things needed to be in the proper order. OM said he wanted to see me the relationship with the OM gave me the impetus to file for divorce but i texted OM before xmas to say I am now separated and divorce progressing and not heard anything!! suspect I am being really silly here but is the OM gone for good or is he waiting until i am really free i.e. divorced. any advice/common sense needed please!

Tell your husband you want to have an affair with him (your husband) but not as he is. Tell him you want get up and go, laughs, talking and loads of hot sex. Good luck.

@silverfoxman this is an 8 year old zombie.

Probably resolved one way or another by now!