'Another man' has made me realise just how much my husband is not right for me. Is there any way back from this?

[HazeyGaze]

I have been married for 14 years. I was only 20 when we settled down and bought a house together. We have 2 children, aged 9 and 3.

In the early days of our relationship, my husband was somewhat flaky and untrustworthy. I however, was besotted with him and could never face the prospect of leaving him.

He did however gradually grow up, and since we've had the children he has been very reliable and dependable.

He is a very placid, laid-back person who will do anything for an easy life. He has very little interest in anything, has no opinions on anything, has little in the way of a sense of humour, and absolutely no 'drive' to achieve or get things done.

Now this sort of thing didn't bother me much when I was younger. I still enjoyed his company and I suppose a critical factor in the attraction was looks. As I have got older I am finding all this apathy very unattractive and am really questioning whether I would be at all interested in him, if I was to meet him now.

Over the last 6 months, I have become very close to a man at work who is the complete opposite of dh. He's confident, opinionated, makes me laugh, and has lots of 'drive' for life. We are both clearly very attracted to each other, but equally neither of us want to destroy our families.

Physically, we have never let things go any further than kissing and I have now transferred to another part of the business so that we no longer see each other, although we do keep in touch by text.

Before all this with OM, I have never so much as glanced at another bloke. I have been besotted with dh for many years.

This OM has completely burst that bubble. Now I realise what it would be like to have a relationship with somebody that I can laugh and chat with on an equal level.

Sadly, I doubt very much that there is a future for me with OM. It is just too messy, and too many people will be hurt.

So now I am left wondering, is it possible for me to get through this phase of my life and 'fall back in love' with dh? Or, now that I have 'seen the light' am I never going to satisfied with the relationsip I've got?

Ouch! house of pain is pulling no punches here - but ask yourself this OP, how would you feel if the decision was taken away from you, if you go home tonight at your DH says, you know, lately i have been thinking you are x, that we dont have y any more and im going to do z? Not from a "see how you like it point of view", but if this thought fills you with horror, then you have your answer, your marriage is not over! If however you feel genuine releif (be careful with this, its not real so you don't really know, but you get the idea) then maybe you do need to really adress how you are feeling.

I could identify quite a lot with what you were saying in your OP about your DHs lack of ambition etc. My DP can be like this, but then actually, so can i (we have had a stressful period of crap to deal with, getting there). There are times when i question if i'm still "in love" with him, but when we have talked about splitting, the pain was terrible, so theres my answer. I have to make changes in myself if i want my life to improve, no one else is going to do that for me, no one - not my DP, not a new man (especially one who would do the dirty on his wife and family). What i find is when i get positive so does my DP, so maybe you are in as much as a rut as he is and just need to look inside yourself for the answers - This OM is like a real life 50 shades to you, its just escapism, fantasy - tis much better in a book (just not 50 shades, its shite) or in your head, that way, you can include the people you love. That'l be your DH, in case you need reminding .

Does that make any sense? i just read it back, im not sure it does

Regardless of what they would say, sonofarabia it happens, gender aside.
Hence the saying, marry in haste, repent at leisure.

All these posts about the OM being a scoundrel are a bit rich, especially since he has shown more decency towards his spouse than the OP because he's pulled back from ratcheting up this affair to the next level. He's being ridiculously naive if he thinks that he's not still having an affair though, by continuing any kind of relationship at all with the OP. I expect he actually doesn't want to take much responsibility for what happens next and so if the OP keeps up the contact, he will kid himself (and his wife when she finds out) that the OP 'wore him down'

OP there's nothing new in any of this. You were happy with your husband until you got your ego stroked. You've had your head turned with a load of nonsense about how wonderful you are, in turn leading you to thinking that the donor of these compliments is Mr. Wonderful too. Neither of you are wonderful at all. You're just ordinary human beings playing out a tried and tested script and it's served to magnify any minor fault in your husband, including old mistakes he made that he's entitled to believe you'd long ago forgiven. Of course I'm sure they were forgiven too, but it's a depressingly common bit of the script to unearth past misdemeanours and claim fresh pain.

I'm sure you've got your own faults that your husband would suddenly find were dealbreakers if he met someone else too. Imaine how he might feel if another woman was stroking his ego and telling him how wonderful he was? What a contrast that would be to the way you are treating him right now eh?

Go no contact with the OM and end this friendship for good. Then see what can be salvaged from your marriage, but wait until those sex specs come off about the OM. They are evidently completely clouding your judgement right now. Making decisions about a marriage that you were happy in before meeting an OM, needs to be done once the addiction is over.

And you are addicted.

OMG you really need to grow up, seriously.

Or leave your husband and let him find someone who won't cheat on him.

OP how are you doing? With a weekend ahead you may be feeling the pressure a bit more?
Hope you're alright, have you come to any decisions about how to handle the situation, or talking to your dh?

Hope you're ok.

Been there, done that. It's very exciting, hugely flattering but ultimately pointless. Focus on your husband and marriage. Work hard to breathe life back into that. If you fail you will know you have at least tried and dh truly isn't right. Don't dnd your marriage over a fantasy.

Lost - yes, the weekends are somewhat daunting. My tactic is usually to be out and busy as much as possible. I drive myself crazy thinking too much, so I try and keep my mind occupied.

LEM - you're right about me being addicted to OM. It is very hard to see the wood for trees whilst in that state. And I can't believe how long the feeling is lasting. When it first started, I thought it would just be a bit of a crush and would come to nothing. Now, here I am more than 6 months later still not able to give him up.

Got to be honest though, the thought of dh leaving is awful. Absolutely awful. What I'm not sure about is whether that is really at the thought of losing him, or whether it is the awful thought of breaking up the family and being alone.

I really need to break the addiction in order to see clearly, but that is a LOT easier said than done.

Have received lots of excellent advice here though. It is very much appreciated and means a lot.

Hazygaze, you have absolutely nothing to break up your family for. Don't do it. Don't bust up a family because you're a bit bored with DH. Put some effort into him and into your own life, and into your DC. If you really get passionate about what you have, not what you don't have, you'll lose interest in OM.

If you can see what you are doing, you are halfway there to fixing it. My STBXH still cant admit that he is infatuated with OW. He cant see it, wont see it, it may have even gone further by now. I fear that one day the bubble will burst and he will wake up to realise that he has lost his house, wife and DD. It will serve him right when that happens

What this mainly shows is how much of a crap idea it is to get married young, particularly for women. OP, it sounds like what you are currently starting to extricate yourself from is a 'starter marriage', though once you're out of it, don't proceed too quickly to the next one. It's actually better to be single anyway, and never a good idea to rely on some man to make your life perfect..

It is strange. As soon as there is an affair- whether you are the OW or the married one it is so so hard to work out reality (I know because I am there!) Suddenly it is impossible to be sure of anything and it moves your world sideways a little because you start to question everything- the morals and values you thought you had, the life you thought you had, what everyone is feeling. You spend so much time in your brain thinking about it that everything else loses out a little and second guess what everything means.

And it is so difficult to work out what is true and what is a result of this overwhelming addiction. And it IS like an addiction- almost drunk with the NEED for someone, it becomes your priority and the focus of your thoughts, not able to see the massive destruction it is causing around you, not able to function normally, incredibly hard to break. But just like an addiction you need to go cold turkey, let the dust settle and only then will you be able to see clearly and make a judgement as to where you are with your life and your marriage.

Time is a great healer and makes things clear in the end. Don't make any quick decisions (except to try and go no contact if you can!) and don't try and force yourself to feel things you do not. I can really recommend the Baggage Reclaim website- she is a wise woman!

Good luck- it is not easy at all and I feel for you

Cut contact with the OM. Decide whether you want to work on your marriage or end it and then do it.

Cutting contact really is not that hard. Tell him I don't want any contact and please respect that even at work. Delete his number. Maybe even change your number, add a rule on your workand personal email to block his emails (unless you would need them for your job). Done.

I don't think marrying early always is bad for 'women'.

An extraordinary and offensive extrapolation to take from the thread.

Personally I know three couples who are childhood sweethearts and all are solid, happy marriages. Two have had wobbles, but those weren't OM/OW relayed, and those that marry late are equally prone to adultery, this MN board is testament to that. If you are committed, work hard at the marriage and frankly, have a dose of good luck, then when you marry is neither here nor there.

Poppycock.

A man posting on here that he is being unfaithful to his wife and children with a woman who also has a family would be slated, great to see double standards on Mumsnet. If you're not in love with your man any more, talk about it, and take appropriate action, dont have an affair!

Honesty is the best policy I think though so best to be open to your hubby and start from scratch. No doubt he will feel that you have been distant from him as well.

What melbie said. Good luck, OP, not easy to deal with but you'll have to, one way or the other. In your position - if I could - I'd try to get away by myself for a day or two to think about what I wanted from life and my partner - and make a decision from there.

Breaking the addiction is the key then! Any tips on this?

He's such a lovely guy, and we click in a completely different way to what I had with dh back when we first got together.

I really think that if I hadn't settled down when I was so young, he is exactly the sort of person that would attract me now I am in my thirties.

AND HE IS SO SO DIFFERENT TO DH!!!

This is impossible .

Hi Hazey, sorry it is so hard for you.

Have you ever had a crush and then got over it?

Actually, you know I don't think I have.

Obviously, mild passing crushes on celebs or people that are nothing really to do with me, but the only person I've ever felt like this about (although for very different reasons), is dh.

AND, bloody hell, that 'crush' has lasted best part of 18 years!

And as I've just said on another thread... "If only crystal balls and time travel were available from all good supermarkets..."

Sorry, Hazey, no help at all. I don't know what the answer is.

Therein lies the problem, I think, Hazey.

I have had crushes on real life people. I have even had relationships with others. But however much I thought they were the 'one' but were not suitable for one reason or another, I have always managed to get over them. So I know nothing is forever.

I had crushes at all ages in my life. They changed as I changed. But the person who is the one for you is the one you chose to be with and have children with.

You will get over OM, if you give yourself a chance and allow yourself to. Easier said than done. But do something to distract yourself. Time is a healer.

You stop all contact, spend more time with your H and occupy your time. Delete his number. It's simple.

Skye... It's easy to say and difficult to do. I know that you're on the other side of the coin and it's difficult for you to see things from another perspective, but it's really not that simple. If it were, there would be no affairs and everybody would be with their partners for life like swans...

It is that simple really. If she is undecided and feels bad at the thought of her husband leaving. Anything else is self indulgence.

Op he's not lovely....he's cheating on his wife and kids with you. You end up with him, what then? In ten years you'll probably find you are in his wife's position with a younger model.

If your marriage is over, it's over, but this guy isn't your answer.

Yes I am biased as my H wouldn't stop the contact and is still I fatuated with her now. None of my business what he does any more but she is still married to his friend...

I was a bit blunt but at the end of the day, stopping the contact is the only way to burst the bubble. My H was texting OW from 8am to 11.30pm every day. he was thinking of her all the time. If he had stopped the contact he would have been able to think about his wife and daughter instead.