'Another man' has made me realise just how much my husband is not right for me. Is there any way back from this?

[HazeyGaze]

I have been married for 14 years. I was only 20 when we settled down and bought a house together. We have 2 children, aged 9 and 3.

In the early days of our relationship, my husband was somewhat flaky and untrustworthy. I however, was besotted with him and could never face the prospect of leaving him.

He did however gradually grow up, and since we've had the children he has been very reliable and dependable.

He is a very placid, laid-back person who will do anything for an easy life. He has very little interest in anything, has no opinions on anything, has little in the way of a sense of humour, and absolutely no 'drive' to achieve or get things done.

Now this sort of thing didn't bother me much when I was younger. I still enjoyed his company and I suppose a critical factor in the attraction was looks. As I have got older I am finding all this apathy very unattractive and am really questioning whether I would be at all interested in him, if I was to meet him now.

Over the last 6 months, I have become very close to a man at work who is the complete opposite of dh. He's confident, opinionated, makes me laugh, and has lots of 'drive' for life. We are both clearly very attracted to each other, but equally neither of us want to destroy our families.

Physically, we have never let things go any further than kissing and I have now transferred to another part of the business so that we no longer see each other, although we do keep in touch by text.

Before all this with OM, I have never so much as glanced at another bloke. I have been besotted with dh for many years.

This OM has completely burst that bubble. Now I realise what it would be like to have a relationship with somebody that I can laugh and chat with on an equal level.

Sadly, I doubt very much that there is a future for me with OM. It is just too messy, and too many people will be hurt.

So now I am left wondering, is it possible for me to get through this phase of my life and 'fall back in love' with dh? Or, now that I have 'seen the light' am I never going to satisfied with the relationsip I've got?

You have to force yourself to take practical steps. If you work together, apply for a different role within the company or avoid projects together. Better still if it's possible, look at the possibility of working somewhere else. Delete his contact details so that it would require some effort to get in touch. Tell him you're doing all this too. Luckily because he wants to stop this relationship more than you, he will co-operate and will be relieved that you've seen sense too.

The only thing that works in these situations is distance and no contact. Proximity and contact on the other hand just feeds the addiction.

I'm not going to say he's a bad man because the logical extension of that is that you're a bad woman, given that your circumstances are absolutely no different to his. But what you're both doing is wrong and grossly unfair to your partners and families and you didn't like it when it was done to you, even though that was a one night stand before you were married and no children were hurt by his actions.

I'm pretty sure you're romanticising how well-suited you are but even giving you the benefit of the doubt, there are definitely loads of men out there with whom you'd click just as well. He's not your one true love and you're not his either. So if you decide you don't want to stay in your marriage once this addiction is over, you will meet someone else just as compatible but hopefully you'll get to see the real person next time and not the facade that all people in affairs adopt. You are no more aware of the real 'OM' than he is aware of the real 'you'. You don't get to see how he is at home coping with the mundanities of real life, or alternatively the joy he experiences with his wife and family. He's probably been a complete shit to his wife for the past few months and she's probably suffered terribly, but didn't know why on earth he was behaving so badly towards her. Now he's pulled back from you, he's probably trying to make it up to her and because he's investing more, is probably seeing qualities in her that he'd ignored to allow his obsession with you. You see none of that and he won't tell you any of it either.

He doesn't see you being distant and horrible to your husband either, or the times when you're as irritating as hell (like all of us can be!) and of course you won't tell him any of that bad stuff either.

If you both weren't addicted and had the opportunity to see eachother in your home settings, you'd see how you're behaving with your partners and conclude that you might one day behave that way with eachother. Since you are (although him less than you) I think you'd delude yourselves that it wouldn't be that way if you were a couple, neatly forgetting that you would have both said that once about your marriages.

So, practical steps first - these are 'musts' and your emotions will follow later.

Absolutely what Charbon says... hard to hear though it will be for you, OP. It's absolutely right. There are no winners in this game, never have been - never will be.

Have name changed for this. OP, been in exactly the same situation very recently. But it can all be turned around. (Thanks wise MNers for your help!) Will PM you, OP.

What charbon said.

I have also been the om's wife and it stinks. Have some compassion and decency.

When I had my ea many years ago I moved jobs. It did the trick.

PS What Charbon said is very true

I've also been cheated on. I think you should re-read this thread from the start and actually listen to the advice you've been given. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you don't seem to be really hearing it.

He has said he doesn't want a relationship with you. You need to listen to him and respect his decision.

A year ago, my DH had a brief affair with a colleague whilst working in her office on a different continent. He ended the affair by text, which I later read. The text was along the lines of 'if things had been different/believe me when I say I will always love you' etc etc. I asked him about that text recently and he said he was just trying to let her down gently and is now ashamed of the way he lied to her. He felt he'd treated us both very badly for his own selfish and ego-boosting ends.

Despite the lovey-dovey stuff, your 'crush' has made himself very clear. He doesn't want you, he wants his wife. For your own sanity, sort yourself out.

Also, the adrenaline and all those other exciting chemicals rushing round your body making you feel so alive and loved-up - treat them like you would any other chemical addiction. They WILL disappear in time.

Charbon - Thank you. I know this is all stuff that I needed to hear.

I have always had a big problem with wanting what I can't have. I remember even as a teenager I would fancy someone like mad from afar, but 9 times out of 10 as soon as they paid me any obvious attention it would put me off them straight away.

To this end, OM is playing my game perfectly. He keeps on trying to end things between us. I tell him that, yes I respect his decision and that he's doing the right thing.

Everytime, within a couple of hours of us parting, I get the 'are you ok?' text.
He always says he wishes things were different, he thinks about me a lot, etc..., but he doesn't want to be the kind of man that does this.

And so the cycle goes on.

As for my marriage, I very much empathise with another thread on here "I am so lonely in my relationship". It's the need for someone to be close to that led to this, and that is what I am finding so hard to give up.

Oh FFS, just stop playing the game then! Why can't you make the decision to end it and stick to that?

All you're doing is prolonging the cycle and the longer you do the more you are risking.

If you've been into game-playing all your life, then have you considered therapy on your own? That's a fairly familiar vulnerability in OW and a good therapist would be aware of it and could help you behave from the adult ego state more frequently. Perhaps the OM senses this in you and knows instinctively that if he made more sacrifices for you, they would be in vain because it's not about him, it's about 'winning' and then backing off when you do.

Your OM just doesn't want to appear heartless or uncaring, that's all. But that's more about his image of himself than his concern for your feelings. I also don't think he does wish things were different, otherwise he would have made a different decision, but it's a familiar line and one that will satisfy your ego and game.

Have you been scrupulously honest with yourself about how 'lonely' you felt in your relationship before the OM came along - and about your own efforts back then to create a better marriage? There's just this sense coming through from your posts that you might have difficulty taking adult responsibility for some of the choices you've made in your life and that you blame your husband for this.

How have you demonstrated the drive that you think your husband lacks for example? Have you achieved your potential in your career and if that hasn't been possible as a SAHP, whose decision was that? Might he have been better as the SAHP or could you have 'shared' careers and childcare? What might he say about his own disappointments in your marriage and with you? You say he lacks drive to achieve or get things done, but what do you mean by that? Do you mean he is ambivalent about his career, or that his ambitions and aspirations relate not to material success or measurable 'achievements' but in other areas of life, such as being a good Dad, a good friend, or being skilled in a hobby or past-time?

The point is that you've got no hope of viewing your husband objectively or your feelings for him while you are still involved in this 'game' with the OM. It really is best to take responsibility for this now and end it emphatically, not responding to his texts. Just because he plays your game, doesn't mean you have to evade the responsibility to stop playing along too.

Funnily enough, I have just made some calls today and organised some counselling for myself.

I only hope that my therapist has the level of insight that Charbon has!

I think probably most of this is all about me, and where I am in my life.

I keep asking myself 'why now?'. I have been with dh for so long and really never so much as glanced at another man. Indeed, I have been friends with OM for 5 years before all this and have never been romantically attracted to him before.

The problems in my marriage were definitely there before this and there were clearly needs if my own that were not being met in the marriage which has caused me to look elsewhere. It is also fair to say that I was coping with the problems before OM offered a shoulder to lean on, and was not in any way thinking of ending my marriage before all this.

Also, yes OM is quite a sharp cookie and I would not be at all surprised if he has twigged on to the way that this game playing works for me.

Indeed, maybe that is what he gets a kick out of?

I'm glad the thread's helping. Some of what I've said must be difficult to swallow and I admire you for considering it.

Be a bit careful about this belief you've got that the OM was meeting needs that weren't being met in your marriage. It might be that he was meeting a need in you that would be impossible to meet in a long-term relationship, or any marriage. If I had to guess, I'd say that until the OM started taking a romantic interest in you, you had no like-minded feelings for him at all, especially now that you've said you knew him for 5 years. Maybe it was his interest in you that sparked this, rather than a meeting of minds and slow-burning mutual appreciation?

So this sounds to me more like you're addicted to the buzz and the excitement of the whole enterprise rather than the man himself. It's the feelings this affair is giving you about yourself that are addictive and not the feelings about him per se. This isn't meant to sound disparaging of him, but he could have been anybody as long as he was 'new'. A longstanding partner on the other hand can't compete with those heady feelings you're getting and the sad thing is, his more longstanding appreciation of you has probably been devalued because of this experience.

If that resonates at all, this is going to be much easier than you think because it is therefore not love or anything approaching it, on either side. It's just an adrenaline fix and in a way, a love affair with yourself and not another person. I think it's probably the same for him.

Really pleased you've booked some therapy .

I meant to say therefore that the 'Why Now?' question might have a very simple answer - because someone showed an interest and gave you an opportunity. Unless you know that you've had lots of serious offers that you've turned down in the past despite your unhappy marriage, it really is impossible to say with any conviction or truth that if you'd been in a happier marriage, you'd have had 'no cause to look elsewhere'. It's really hard to admit that to yourself though, because it's an uncomfortable realisation to admit that this was all about opportunity and nothing much deeper than that.

But if it's the truth, it will help you and it will certainly help your decisions about your marriage.

Get rid of OM. As you said nothing will come out of you & OM & it's really not worth hurting anyone. Thank your lucky stars it's not gone further. Worst thing I did was let myself fall for a taken man, it was only when his OH kicked him out for drinking too much that I realised how much he loved her & much as I tried to tell him she'll come back to him if he tries to stop drinking, it killed me knowing nothing really will happen & I suddenly felt worthless. I backed off & in fact feel a lot more attracted to my bf.

It's funny you should ask about turning down other offers actually.

I can't really think of any situations over the years of serious offers that is have rebuffed.

However, there is clearly something about me at the moment which I cannot explain because I have had at least 5 serious offers in the past year which I have turned down flat.

OM however I just could not turn down. We have always got along well and kind of 'clicked' as just work colleagues and friends. The realisation that something more was growing out of this was (is?) very powerful indeed. I was never 'friends' with dh before we were lovers.

So no, I don't think he could have been just anybody. Although it's my issues that have allowed this to happen now, he could never have been just anybody. It was the emotional connection that was so attractive.

And that's what makes it so hard to break. I wish we could go back and save our friendship because now we are going to have to sacrifice that completely.

Would I still have taken the opportunity presented if my marriage had been happier? I really don't know. I wish I could answer that.

This thread is helping enormously though. Giving me lots to think about. Thank you, x

What charbon says us exactly what my STBXH has done, he did t walk out on me until he formed emotional attachment to her. He then devalued our relationship and vilified me and walked out. He is still infatuated with her, still denying it. And spending every opportunity he can to be with her whilst living with her and her H.

He destroyed our marriage for the buzz he got with her.

If you value your H at all, please detach from OM before you destroy your marriage.

Thankyou for this thread.

I am currently trying to disengage myself from an addiction to an OM, he is single & I am married.

I am veering between self disgust and missing his flattery and attention intensely.

I would be devastated if DH did to me what I have been doing, reading this has explained to me in simple terms that the OM is not important at all it is how he has made me feel about myself that I have enjoyed. I knew all this logically but the EA has been going on a couple of months and I have been neglecting reality to such an extent I could persuade myself I almost loved him.

Ridiculous. Am off to delete his number, thank you for the adult discussion of a really difficult situation. What I have done is wrong but I am trying to make it right.

Good luck OP

That 'something' about you is that you started signalling your availability and it's really no more complicated than that. The OM received the signal too of course. You don't state the chronology of this i.e. whether the 5 offers all happened before the OM's, but it would be worth thinking about whether there was some catalyst before the first; sometimes it's because of a rise in personal confidence through weight loss, appearance changes generally or work success. Sometimes it happens because of a death of a loved one and a feeling of mortality. It's not always (in fact hardly ever) because of a change in feelings for a spouse or a marriage. Think hard about that because it's very relevant. Of course if the majority of these offers transpired after things changed with your colleague, it's no great surprise because you would have been exuding sexuality and that is magnetising to others.

What's more interesting is that none of this happened in all the years beforehand - and that you'd known the OM for 5 years without ever thinking of him as a sexual partner.

You're right therefore to say that you really don't know whether this affair is linked in any way to your marriage, because you have no evidence either way.

Affairs at work are nearly always about proximity rather than the genuine compatibility of the partners. Which is why it would be best if you no longer worked together. You cannot be friends because you've compromised that now and there's no going back.

HazeyGaze

FFS, grow up will you. You sound about ten years of age. I'm sorry, but you really do.

It's quite difficult to put a timeline on any of this. My relationship with OM developed very slowly and gradually over many months. There was a long time where I think we both knew where it could be heading without ever thinking that we would really get there, IYSWIM?

Most of the other serious offers I refer to were around the same time period but it was him that I clicked with and that I was already close to.

Thinking about a catalyst for all this, for me I think it was the rise in confidence and the re-discovery of my own identity associated with getting back to work after many years as a SAHM.

He has suffered a recent bereavement, and now that makes me feel like utter crap. I know very well how much this debacle has torn him apart and to think that I have exploited a vulnerability in someone who I know has always been completely loyal and faithful before now is saddening and humbling to say the least.

Happy that anyone else reading is getting some help or perspective from the thread. It's helping me greatly too

So how soon after you went back to work did all this start? I'm a little confused because you said you'd known the OM for 5 years. Did you work alongside one another all that time or was this a new working arrangement?

Are you sure he's not 'playing' you? For him to say he doesn't want a relationship then initiate the texting again sounds very suspect to me - like he's keeping you dangling Is he using you to boost his own ego? A lot of cheaters do that.

Sorry, yes to explain, I have been back in work for about 2 years now. Back to the same company I was in before taking time out to have babies. I have kept in contact with my friends there whilst I have been off work and so have got to know OM through them. It is only in the last 2 years whilst I have actually been back in the office that we have gradually built up our relationship. That's not to say any sort of affair has been going on for 2years! Just that we have gradually been getting closer all that time.

And yes, I do very much wonder how much he is 'playing me''. Although I can't imagine him doing this consciously or just 'for a laugh'. It seems to be because he really just doesn't know what he wants......? I don't know......

The OM aside, it sounds like you are reassessing your choices earlier on in your life and regretting them. But you can't turn back the clock. You did what felt right at the time.

You say you were besotted by your dh before this OM came along. not many people can say that ....So why are you so willing to chuck everything away on a maybe? you've listed things that are'okay about your H but that doesn't match what you said about him in your opening post

I think you're feeling very flattered that someone seems to 'get' this new you that is emerging. Your husband might too, if you give him a chance. I wonder what a post by him might say about how he views you at the moment...

And yes it is possible to fall back in love but youve got to stop taking the other person for granted and treating them like a mug, and put the effort in