'Another man' has made me realise just how much my husband is not right for me. Is there any way back from this?

[HazeyGaze]

I have been married for 14 years. I was only 20 when we settled down and bought a house together. We have 2 children, aged 9 and 3.

In the early days of our relationship, my husband was somewhat flaky and untrustworthy. I however, was besotted with him and could never face the prospect of leaving him.

He did however gradually grow up, and since we've had the children he has been very reliable and dependable.

He is a very placid, laid-back person who will do anything for an easy life. He has very little interest in anything, has no opinions on anything, has little in the way of a sense of humour, and absolutely no 'drive' to achieve or get things done.

Now this sort of thing didn't bother me much when I was younger. I still enjoyed his company and I suppose a critical factor in the attraction was looks. As I have got older I am finding all this apathy very unattractive and am really questioning whether I would be at all interested in him, if I was to meet him now.

Over the last 6 months, I have become very close to a man at work who is the complete opposite of dh. He's confident, opinionated, makes me laugh, and has lots of 'drive' for life. We are both clearly very attracted to each other, but equally neither of us want to destroy our families.

Physically, we have never let things go any further than kissing and I have now transferred to another part of the business so that we no longer see each other, although we do keep in touch by text.

Before all this with OM, I have never so much as glanced at another bloke. I have been besotted with dh for many years.

This OM has completely burst that bubble. Now I realise what it would be like to have a relationship with somebody that I can laugh and chat with on an equal level.

Sadly, I doubt very much that there is a future for me with OM. It is just too messy, and too many people will be hurt.

So now I am left wondering, is it possible for me to get through this phase of my life and 'fall back in love' with dh? Or, now that I have 'seen the light' am I never going to satisfied with the relationsip I've got?

I know lostbut it's true. She was besotted with her dh, before om. All these issues have appeared since om. It's classic.

I don't see any fault with the dh here. So unless she stops being so self absorbed and bucks up and starts making that effort. Rather than. Not being bothered as she'd rather be mooning. He dh may well kick her to the curb.

Sometimes people just don't see the obvious.

It all depends on whether you have feelings for him or not. If your feelings for DH have simply been overtaken by feelings for OM, then once you get OM out of your head, you will discover your true feelings for DH, as to what those are, only time will tell.

Ok, replace 'fight for her' with 'fight for the marriage'.

He is not perfect, has been described as having little personality and drive, and OP still hopes it might yet come good.

Hell yeah, I'd say 'fight for it'. Not a problem for me!

Sorry house, x posted....

But you see, even though I'm advocating trying to make it work, I read the op as saying actually, the dh is a bit is a wet weekend? No drive, ambitions... Maybe if he realised what he might lose, he'd buck up a bit?
Not confining EA behavior, BTW, not at all, think the OM was, and remains a big mistake...

OM is a scoundrel. Why do you want to be with someone who cheats on his wife and small children? Why would he not do the same to you in future?

Your relationship with him is in a perfect little secret bubble with no aspects of real, everyday life to contend with. I am sorry but your posts make me sick. My h cheated with a colleague who was married with kids. You cannot imagine the pain and devastation it caused and the number of people affected. I suggest you have a good read of affair threads on the relationships board.

She did lost. But I took that with a pinch of salt. She admits herself she was besotted before om, not the talk of an unhappy wife with a useless husband.

She then goes into say it was the om, that burst the bubble and showed up all these issues. Classic magnifying and detaching behaviour to justify here affair.

No ones perfect, but she's made all these problems appear to justify om and magnified them. So if she does not snap out of it soon and start making the effort, the choice may not be hers any longer. She seems to be thinking she's got all the times in the world to continue mooning and not bothering with her marriage. Without realising if she keeps it up, it may well be her out on her ear, when he gets sick of it

House - you may well be right about magnifying and detaching behaviour. I suppose really, I am hoping you're right because that would suggest that I can get over this fiasco and put it all behind me.

I am fearful however that this is actually something that has been brewing for many years, and that it was always going to happen one day when the opportunity presented itself.

The untrustworthiness that I refer to in the early days of our relationship includes at least 1 one night stand that I know about. This was many years ago, before dc and it has long since been forgiven and forgotten. Indeed, he has been a different person in the last 7-8 years of our relationship.

Except I haven't ever really forgotten, and that is how I 'gave myself permission' to get close to OM. And I suppose I thought I could handle it. I thought I could have a bit of fun, feel better about myself after being a SAHM for a long time, and a bit of secret revenge in there to boot.

I didn't bank on falling in love with him and managing to destroy my marriage even without having a proper affair

That's not his fault though. He had a one night stand, way before marriage. You forgave and moved on. It was a handy excuse. If you didn't have that, it would be because he did not get you the right present for Christmas, or cancelled a meal out, or forgot your birthday. It's just an excuse.

It's sounds very much like a "proper" affair to me. The only way your marriage will work, is if you start making the effort and stop mooning around over your lost "love". Then look really hard at the choices you made to allow yourself to have an affair. At which point befor he entered your life, you were besotted and happy with your dh.

Sounds like it's all over at home for you. Things haven't been good for some time, there's some residual resentment over his infidelity and, when you get to the stage where you're motivated by getting your own back, things are a long way from healthy. I think all that will happen if you stick your head in the sand about your marriage and say nothing is that you'll keep making comparisons, he'll keep falling short and it'll end up a very nasty combination of contempt and bitterness.

OP to be honest, I do think that you need to talk to your husband. Not us!

I don't recommend disclosing the OM but at the moment j don't think you know what you want, nor whether he is what you want? You cannot possibly use his known one nighter to excuse your own EA, that is wrong on any level. Sounds like you both need to be open and honest and if its time to call if z day, so be it. But you need to make that decision based on honesty.

OP once that bubble has burst there is no going back. That is the whole point of bubbles! And also the risk of kissing the wrong man.

You have lost the rose tinted spectacles you wore for many years to make life with your DH bearable and you are going to have to dig deep to find some reasons to stay with him. Can you list his good points? What he does for you to make you happy? The positives about living together?

Can I list his good points? Good question.

He is mostly kind and helpful (or at least he tries to be!).
He's pretty good with the kids (most of the time).
He has been faithful (as far as I know) for many years now.
He has stuck by me through some pretty tough times.
We have a lot of history together.

I know I need to talk to him, but is it possible to do this without confessing to OM? I really think that confessing would be the nail on the coffin, but on the other hand can we get through this without total honesty?

Of course you can talk without confessing. It would be different if you were planning to leave him for the OM or if you thought a third party was going to blab..... then you'd have to be utterly honest. But to throw OM into this particular conversation beyond something general like 'I've found myself feeling attracted to other people' would really only be a selfish attempt to salve your conscience, and would not be helpful in the slightest.

total honesty?

Oh come off it, you're not some teenager.

Part of adult life is making judgements that help another person. This is one of those times. You will hurt him a LOT. Do you want that? or is it your get out card for him deciding to end the marriage, thud removing the decision from you?

Decide for yourself what you want to do as regards sticking the OM out with the rubbish, and keep it to yourself.

Without getting all deep and meaningful, who would know about the (right) decision you'd made? You and God. Not a bad audience. If you can't get through this without having to bare your deepest darkest, then FFS...!

I think it's more common than you might think. Married young and fast, have kids, grow up, grow apart, meet someone else that makes you face up to the things missing in your marriage.

Happened for me except despite the guy being a twit, I am grateful that I did meet him and finally split from stbxh. Difference being I suppose, that stbxh was a heavy weed smoker and drinker, had no ambition and became gradually more violent.

The fact of the matter is that I don't believe a relationship with the 'OM' ever works. You put them on some pedestal, think everything will be rosy in the park but it soon wears off.

Best thing you can do is decide if you want to fight for your marriage or not. If so cut all contact with OM and go for counselling. If you don't want to stay married without OM in the picture then separate and be single for a while.

I went into a new relationship a couple of months after separation and it hasn't all been plain sailing with adjusting to life after marriage and 'finding myself' as such, working out what I want.

Just think hard and try not to wear rose tinted glasses when making your decision.

No, no, I absolutely do not want to have to tell dh about the OM!

I really think it would be the nail in the coffin and I don't want that at all.

What I seem to have discovered is that 'love' to me is like a drug or an addiction that I can't control.

If I'd had any sense, I would never have put up with dh back in the early days and we would never have got as far as marriage and kids. But I was under his spell then and nothing would make me change my mind about him.

In all my life, there's never been anyone else but now OM has got under that same totally irrational spell.

Why can't my feelings have any resemblance to my conscious, logical thought processes?

The problem for me would be the seemingly huge task of trying to work with your DH to change the whole atmosphere and dynamic in your marriage.

Do you think your DH would, for example, take up some new acitivity with you, be it surfing, hillwalking, stock car racing? Do you go out with friends for meals, drinks, to concerts etc? Do you invite people round to eat and to bring their children to play? Or, do your home lives consist solely of going to work housework, the needs of the DC (a bottomless pit sometimes) and sitting in front of the TV? Perhaps your DH is as bored as you sound...

No, don't tell DH about OM. No need. It didn't go anywhere. It was a wake up call for you, that's all. You want some excitement in life. It doesn't have to come from an affair. Find something else that gets you dying to jump out of bed in the morning, and then you'll suddenly stop longing for this OM and see him for the office flirt he is.

FWIW, I think we fall in and out of love in long term relationships, and when we're out of love, we feel so down on our OHs, it's as if it will never work. Then we fall back in love and are soooo glad we didn't sneak off when things were duller.

My trick, when this happens, is to work massively on what I am not doing to make life good, and to stop wanting DH to supply all my needs. Amazingly, as I get happier and more active, he becomes more attractive.

One thing really revealing and positive is that you say your DH changed for the better during your marriage. Used to be a bit fly and is now reliable. So he can change. I'd see if you can boot his backside a bit to get him sparked up about something, get his drive going, and see how you feel about him then.

Hazey, the work colleague - has he done something like this before? In my opinion there are types of men (and women) who are of that type and it's a circle of deceit and there are the kind who don't.

Try to be the second type and don't use it as a crutch to get you through your difficult stage.

"Why can't my feelings have any resemblance to my conscious, logical thought processes?"

There is nothing quite so invigorating as a crush or a mad passion. Life tends to wobble along being fairly predictable and boring but an injection of romance can put a sparkle in your eye and a spring in your step. Love, lust, attraction, passion, whatever you want to call it .... are not a product of anyone's conscious, logical or thinking self any more than hate or jealousy are. You can't choose how your emotions respond to stimuli but all of us can choose how those emotions translate into actions. All it requires are things like self-restraint & maturity.

Married young and fast, have kids, grow up, grow apart, meet someone else that makes you face up to the things missing in your marriage.

Not knocking, but I do wonder what the MN reaction would be to a man who came on here and said this sort of thing about his marriage and meeting an OW that made him feel that way?

My reaction would be 'normal'. Everyone is a fallible human being, everyone needs to feel loved and I don't see why it's such a surprising or horrendous idea that some act on impulse, make mistakes, behave badly or look outside their marriage or partnership for affection or thrills. Don't think anyone is telling the OP that what's happening is right or acceptable. But it's entirely understandable, whatever the gender.

You are already being unfaithful to your husband. There is no way you can rebuild the emotional connection with your husband while you are spending every evening exchanging texts with OM like some giddy lovestruck teenager.

It's not fair to blame your DH because you now think you shouldn't have married him - you were "under his spell " ?? Sorry, but it sounds like you are not prepared to put the work into a relationship unless it's all hearts and flowers and swooning. You need to start taking responsibility for your actions. Many people have crushes on others - but if either of you is in a relationship, the emotionally mature thing to do is to not act on the crush.

Thanks Cogito - and I think you're right.