marriage advice from muslim women please!

[HardlyEverHoovers]

(and also non-Muslim women if you have any insights!)

Hello/asalam u alikumm and also Ramadan Mubarek. This is my first post, after browsing for some time, so please forgive me for any mistakes in etiquette.
I need some advice regarding my marriage, and from reading some old posts it seemed other muslim women may have dealt with similar issues. I'd be particularly grateful for advice from anyone who has managed to move beyond the point I'm at now.
I converted, by the Grace of God, to Islam about 8 years ago, I got married about 3 years ago, to a Muslim man from a different country, who has a position of authority within the Muslim community. We now have an 18 month old son and live in the UK.
My husband is great in terms of practical help in the house and with the baby and all that, and the bottom line is that he is a good man. However, he has restricted my freedom more than I could ever have imagined. There are a couple of things I do regularly (go to the local shops alone and meet wiht some Muslim women once a month a so) but to do anything beyond this takes a lot of negotiation and is met with much grumpiness and dissapproval. Even a simple thing as taking the baby to the park with a friend. I no longer am able to visit my family for a night without my husband, let along go and stay with friends. I don't attend any Islamic events or lectures (before marriage I was active in the Muslim community). I may occasionally be able to meet a friend or go to town alone, but I find the process of getting him to agree so stressful that I don't really bother asking.

Sometimes he will just say no, and not have a good reason, which is bad enough, but a lot of the time he gets his way by making everything around an event so stressful that I never do it again. Frequently I have been in floods of tears minutes before I'm due to go out, friends to arrive etc. I'm reluctant to resort to the word abuse, but this sort of behaviour makes me feel that way.
I am becoming very isolated, and I'm concerned that my relationship with my non-Muslim family, which has always been positive, is being affected.
On an emotional level I feel that I can't be myself. he doesn't respect my needs or my emotions. If I try to talk to him about how I feel, I get hit with the Islam hammer, and made to feel that my feelings are 'wrong' Islamically.
There was no warning of this before marriage, either in what I had seen of him (he was my teacher before we married) or in the discussions we had before marriage.

Because of the baby I've tried to keep a very peaceful atmosphere despite all this, but I am feeling I really need to take action as it is making me emotionally and physically unwell. I have had several miscarriages this year, and I believe that stress is not helping.
I've tried to be brief here, I can say more if needed. Has anyone dealt with similar issues in a positive way? I would hate the marriage to end and my family to break up, but I really can't imagine living like this forever.
Thank you.

Greetings,

I am the daughter of a muslim/western union, so i understand a little of your angst.
My mum converted to Islam and was completely dominated by my father- socially, economically, spiritually- she became a shadow of a what women should be- her will was no longer hers, she was utterly supressed. She became afraid to voice an opinion, to see her parents, ect, ect, ect.
My sister and I were raised within a strict islamic structure, we went to mosque and were instructed in the ways of his religion.

I was always told by my father (my mother was silent) that i would be sent abroad to be married- i remember knowing this from age 7- and i knew then, that i would kill myself before i would submit.

Ours is a happy story, of sorts. We ran away (I was 12) changed our identities (it was necessary) and I am now a happily married 37 year old.
My mum has a wonderful life, she travels, she has a great career, she has friends. She is a person in her own right.
To look at me you would never guess my background. Blonde hair, blue eyes, but the scars, the horrors, are embedded within me.

So, my advice. You worry about the impact upon your children not being socialised- i would worry more about the devastating impact that having a powerless mother has. It transfers on to your children, like a posion.

My husband and I do not play games, I donot 'manipulate' him, I am not 'clever.' We are best friends, equals, and we look after each other. How did your pre-muslim self feel about relationships, freedom of expression and personal power?

I wish you the very best of luck.

Having started this thread (and cattyness you were more than welcome to 'hijack', it's nice to have company, I'll PM you inshAllah), I feel I need to make a few things clear about my own situation and perhaps the situation of some of the other quiet voices on here.
Some people have posted who have been through horrendous experiences, which are unquestionably abusive. Many have posted who have been from a different religion to their husband, or perhaps pressured into converting in some cases. It's been really valuable to read these posts, and changing these situations has obviously taken a lot of courage. Arrgh, it was really good to read that you and your mother had escaped a horrendous situation.
I have experienced both a Muslim marriage and a non-Muslim long term relationship, before I came to Islam. My experience was not like yours Arrgh, unfortunately in my previous relationship I was the one with the power and when I look back I feel very sad about how I treated that person. Maybe that's partly why I went the other way so much in my marriage.
I had been Muslim for many years before I set eyes on my husband. My marriage was not arranged (no-one to arrange it) but was 'traditional' in that we had very little informal contact before the marriage.
The thing I have learnt from posting on here, is that where ever my husbands behaviour comes from, the impact it's having on me is that of an abusive behaviour, and I need to make it clear that I won't tolerate it. Like crescentmoon and others, I think I made the mistake of being too 'eager to please' at the beginning.
But I can't with a clear heart label my husband as an 'abusive' man (even anonymously!). A man who has made it his priority to help me complete my studies no matter what, a man who has been making sure I get a nap every afternoon in ramadan, I could go on and on.
I feel very apprehensive at the moment, as having decided on some boundaries in my own head, I'm not sure what the result will be of me making these known. But I do know that if ever the marriage fails (may God protect me from this) I will feel sad that two decent people couldn't make it work, not that I have escaped an abuser.
I really have appreciated everyones advice, especially to be willing to share thoughts about such a personal and sensitive issue.

sis you sound very brave and intelligent mashallah. May Allah guide you to whats good for you.

Hardlyeverhoovers,

Thank you for your good wishes.
I hope that the situation improves so that you can be happy.
I am saddened that in the era in which we live, there are still women struggling to negotiate enough power in order to live.
Very best wishes.

Wow - OP and others. I have to admit to certain 'prejudices' about muslim women (Islam in general really) but I have to say, the dignity, the grace of you women really comes through. Maybe it's because you call each other 'sister' or because you really have faith, i don't know.

But i think it's beautiful.

^ #itsAllAboutTheLurkers

but seriously captain if you would like to discuss your prejudices with us we would be happy to have the opportunity to try and correct or explain some of them from our perspective.

Naila and crescent I have written u an essay. Sorry!

Hardlyever I can sent to you but feel I'd be burdening you. I've gone mad.

Ahoy there Captain! X

was it good to get it all out sis! lol

please send it to me catty, I feel left out!
captainmummy, that's a lovely thing to say thank you. It's probably bizzarre to admit but I think even I had prejudices about Muslim women before I came to Islam, and even for a little while when I was Muslim.

I'll never forget when I first started wearing the headscarf, catching a glance in a restaurant of a Muslim woman dressed in black, and having a vague impression of an oppressed sort of person. It took me a couple of seconds to realise I had caught sight of a mirror!
I've always thought being a Muslim woman is very different from the inside than it looks from the outside.

If you don't speak his language well and he is just now learning English, how do you communicate? Sorry, I'm curious.

walaikumasalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

sister, i too am a muslim revert of 12 years masha'Allah. i completely understand exactly where u are coming from. i hear alot of revert sisters talking like this. and i think sometimes the husband forgets that the wife is a person- with feelings, intrests and above all 'needs'. its ashame because this is not the the way a muslim man should act towards his wife. i cant quite put my finger on what it is with these men from the east that marry women from here. (my husband is arab). it niggles at me. anyway, my advice to you would be to make lots and lots of duaa, especially in these last few days of ramadan, and start making tracks to get a life that you deserve. islam gives us rights- no one should take these rights away from us!!! I think it is a HUGE thing when ur husband is not letting you learn the deen. its an obligation of every muslim and the fact that you want to and hes not allowing you is bad. and its easy for me to say go and get a khulah but its never that easy-.... especially for us reverts.

i would definitely say go to ur family and tell them whats going on. but also make them know that this is not islam and that you will remain steadfast in your faith, bi'idnillah. that may make him understand and then only go back to him when hes agreed you a little bit more freedom. its hard when you love a man and he treats you bad... and its even harder to let people know how hes treating you and having to deal with the dissaproving of the man you love... but this is serious... sounds like a case of emotional abuse.... but im a spoiled cow and if i dont get my way i feel im being victimised, its jus who iam. i am trying to be more open minded before anyone judges me. (its his fault- he spoiled me).

then when uve made him realise (and he will) by ur abcense- then he will either agree to some compromise or go off like a fire work. inshaAllah u get the compromise. but if he does go off like a firework the i think u should write it down in history and move on... u can live a sigle life, find who u are again, learn some more islam, strengthen ur eemaan and then hopefully inshaAllah a brother that deserves you and will treat you right will come along. Allahu Alim.

but first and for most before any advice, make duaa, pray istikhara and seek counsel from Allah SWT.

love from you sister in islam x

Crescent moon, I agree it's been really beneficial alhamdulillah.
Cote, normal day to day stuff we can talk about quite easily, but we struggle more with the deep and meaningful stuff, which really doesn't help with this issue.
ColourMe, wali kum asalam, yeah, it's wierd how universal this problem is. I certainly feel ready to go forth and make some changes, inshAllah the outcome will be positive.

i need to aswell.. so make duaa for us both n i will too.

I recieved an email containing these links today, and I thought these were very relevant to this thread. This is Sheikh Habib Ali Al-Jifri, responding to some questions about Muslim women. This may give me and some of the other women on here struggling with similar issues strength and certainty, and it may help non-Muslims to understand the real place of women in Islam. They are very short, and well worth listening to. Hope the links work, I've never done this before.

radicalmiddleway.co.uk/article/the-plea-of-a-woman?utm_source=MailingList&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=10%2F08%2F12%28pleanew%29

radicalmiddleway.co.uk/article/the-mosque-women-and-prophetic-advice?utm_source=MailingList&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=10%2F08%2F12%28pleanew%29

Salaam
I've not read the full thread but yep I agree. This has nothing to do with Islam but it is a culture issue.
How was he brought up?
Did his dad do all the 'out of house chores' probably yes.
To him it may be the norm but to us it's not.
He needs to understand 'our way of living'
My dh is from another country and he couldn't understand at first but once he got the hang of things everything is now mashallah better.

Pm if you would like to chat
X

Just read your full post too.
It doesn't really help much as he was the dominate one when you met but he needs to realise your not his student, your his wife

X

Isitme, it's nice to know you managed to sort it out. His family is very traditional. I must admit the women are honoured and respected, and his mum is certainly the head of the household, but their autonomy outside of the house is virtually nil, for practical reasons as much as anything else.
Do you have any advice on how I can get past this?

Alhamdulillah there are still ulema like this, and alhamdulillah for modern technology and travel so we can get to hear what they say!
I completely agree with you crescentmoon. The funny thing is, I thought I was prepared. I did a marriage course before I got married, I knew my rights, I knew all about the contract etc. What they don't tell you is that however well you know your rights, have stated in your contract, know what a husband should be doing to make this a good marriage, if he's not willing to do it, you can only ever make it 50% better, as in, you're the only one trying to change so it will only ever get so much better.
And subhanAllah I can't believe I'm saying this about a man like my husband, who really believes he is following the sunnah (for example, will happily mop the floor while reminding me how the Prophet pbuh used to help his wife).
There just seems to be a complete lack of awareness of my needs, and this seems to have been echoed by other women on here. I think the men need help as well as the women!